Thoughts - Part
2
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
What do you do when you
discover and an endangered
animal that eats only endangered plants?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell her she has the right to remain silent?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
If you got into a taxi
and the driver started driving backward,
would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?
Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
The light went out, but where to?
Why do banks charge you a
"non-sufficient funds fee"
on money they already know you don't have?
Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?
If the universe is
everything, and scientists say that
the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do orientals throw hamburgers?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do people without a
watch look at their wrist
when you ask them what time it is?
Have ex-locomotive engineers been derailed?
Have ex-mathematicians become dysfunctional?
Have ex-punsters been expunged?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
Have ex-bankers become disinterested?
Have ex-civil lawyers been distorted?
Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?
Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
Why is Mickey Mouse bigger than his dog Pluto?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?
Why is there an eject
button on the VCR remote?
Don't you have to get up to get to the tape?
Why doesn't superglue stick to its container?
Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
Why is it that when you
transport something by car, it's called a shipment,
but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
Why do they sell a pound cake that only weighs 12 ounces?
Why do 'tug'boats push their barges?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
Why do people who only eat natural foods drink decaffeinated coffee?
Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?
Why are we afraid of falling? Shouldn't we be afraid of the sudden stop?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Why are builders afraid to
have a 13th floor but
book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
Why are the cabs from the Yellow Cab Company painted orange?
Why are there never any artist's materials in a drawing room?
When vultures are on their deathbed, are they ever tempted to eat themselves?
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
When you're sending someone styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
Who tows the tow trucks when they break down?
What part of the monkey do you use a monkey wrench on?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
What's another word for synonym?
When people lose weight, where does it go?
What happened to the first 6 ups?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What happens when you call a 1-800 number collect?
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
What do sheep count when they can't sleep?
What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?
What does it mean if you break a mirror with a rabbits foot?
What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
There are 24 hours in a day, and 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
What did we do before the Law of Gravity was passed?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Is it progress if a cannibal learns to eat with a fork?
Can you grow birds by planting birdseed?
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia can you read correctly?
If you're traveling at
the speed of light and you turn your headlights on,
what happens?
Instead of talking to your
plants, if you yell at them would they still grow,
only to be troubled and insecure?
If you play a blank
tape at full volume and have a mime for a neighbor,
will he complain?
If you spend your day doing nothing, how do you know when you're done?
If you take a shower, where do you put it?
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
If you dive into a pool of dry ice, can you swim without getting wet?
If you have a bunch of
odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,
what do you call it?
If you have a friend who
works for the Psychic Friends Network,
should you plan a surprise birthday party for them?
If you have an open mind why don't your brains fall out?
If women ran the Pentagon, would missiles and submarines be shaped differently?
If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?
If you bear a child, why do you have a cow?
If you can read the marking, isn't that end already up?
If the folks at the
psychic hotlines were really psychic,
wouldn't they call you first?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
If superglue is so good, why doesn't it stick to the inside of the tube?
If the #2 pencil is the
most popular, why's it still #2?
If the cops arrest a
mime, do they have to tell
him he has the right to remain silent?
If the Energizer Bunny attacks someone, is it charged with battery?
If soap is used to make you clean, why does it leave a scum?
If someone has a mid-life
crisis while playing hide and seek,
does he automatically lose because he can't find
himself?
If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?
If someone with multiple
personalities threatens to kill herself,
is it considered a hostage situation?
If inert is to be stationary, what is ert?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why does he keep doing it?
If love is blind, why is
lingerie so popular?
If a woman can
be a meter maid, can a man be a meter butler?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If all those psychics
know the winning lottery numbers,
why are they all still working?
If God sneezes...what should you say?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a tree falls in the
forest and no one is around to see it,
do the other trees make fun of it?
If a
tree fell on a mime in the forest,
would he make a sound and would anyone care?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
If a chronic liar tells you he is a chronic liar do you believe him?
If a dog sweats through his tongue, why does he have armpits?
If a jogger runs at the speed of sound can he still hear his walkman?
If a man speaks and their
is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong.
If 7-11 is open 24
hours a day, 365 days a year,
why are there locks on the doors?
If 75% of all accidents
happen within 5 miles of home,
why not move 10 miles away?
If a bus station is
where a bus stops,
and a train station is where a train stops,
why do I have a work station on
my desk?
If a case of the clap spreads, is it then considered a case of the applause?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
How many people
thought of the Post-It note before it was invented
but just didn't have anything to jot it down
on?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If all those psychics know
the winning lottery numbers,
why are they all still working?
If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
If a mute child swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap?
If a woman can be a meter maid, can a man be a meter butler?
If a synchronized swimmer drowns, does her partner also have to drown?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
How does a shelf salesman keep his store from looking empty?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
How fast do you have to go to keep up with the sun so you're never in darkness?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
How come you press
harder on a remote control
when you know the battery is dead?
How do they get a deer to
cross at that yellow road sign?
How do you know when
yogurt goes bad?
How do you know when you're out of invisible ink?
How can overlook and
oversee be opposites,
while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?
How can someone "draw a blank"?
How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?
How come Superman could
stop bullets with his chest,
but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
Does anybody ever vanish with a trace?
Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?
Does the Postmaster General need a stamp of approval?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Do one legged ducks swim in circles?
Do Roman paramedics refer
to IV's as 4's?
Did Adam and
Eve have navels?
Did the early settlers ever go on a camping trip?
Did
you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?
But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window!
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Can I get arrested for running into a Fire House yelling Movie! Movie!?
How can you tell when your out of invisible ink?
Why
is there an eject button on the VCR remote?
Don't you have to get up to get to the tape?
Could someone ever get
addicted to counseling?
If so, how could you treat them?
Health
is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Get the last word in:
Apologize.
Whenever I feel
blue, I start breathing again.
How is it one careless match can
start a forest fire,
but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
If a cow laughed real
hard, would milk come out her nose?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Aren't all generalizations false?
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
Do you need a silencer
if you are going to shoot a mime?
Never take life seriously.
Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds
of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
An unbreakable toy is
useful for breaking other toys.
Don't like my driving? Then
quit watching me.
If you can read
this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you.
Some people are only alive because it
is illegal to shoot them.
Try not to let
your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.
The proctologist called...they
found your head.
Everyone has a
photographic memory...some just don't have any film.
Save your breath...You'll need it to
blow up your date.
Your ridiculous
little opinion has been noted.
Reading whilst sunbathing
makes you well-red.
When two
egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."
Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an idiot.
A gossip is someone with a
great sense of rumor.
Without
geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a
pigment of your imagination.
Condoms should
be used on every conceivable occasion.
Banning the bra was a big
flop.
Sea captains
don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful
diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
A hangover is the wrath of
grapes.
Corduroy
pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping
tome?
Dancing
cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Shotgun wedding: A case of
wife or death.
I used to work
in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I used to be a lumberjack, but I just
couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
A man needs a
mistress just to break the monogamy.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as
before.
Practice safe
eating - always use condiments.
I fired my masseuse today. She
just rubbed me the wrong way.
A Freudian slip
is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Energizer Bunny arrested -
charged with battery.
A man's home is
his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A pessimist's blood type is always
b-negative.
My wife really
likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
Santa's helpers are
subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you a flat minor.
What's the definition of a will? (Come on, It's a dead giveaway!)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Do illiterate people get
the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever
notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you,
but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window.
Why is it that when someone tells you
that there are over a billion
stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there
is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
A
man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
If a man is talking in the
forest, and no woman is there to hear
him, is he still wrong?......Well, yeah! (sorry had to respond)
If electricity
comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Is Disney World the only people trap
operated by a mouse?
Why do the
Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star
have the same tune?
If corn oil is made from corn,
and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If Wile E.
Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap,
why didn't he just buy dinner?
If quizzes are quizzical,
what are tests?
Why does Goofy
stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!
Can a hearse carrying a corpse
drive in the carpool lane?
If the
professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of
a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist
when asking for the time, but
don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your
OB-GYN leave the room when you get
undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Who was the first one who
thought that the white thing
that came from a hen's butt looked edible?
Why do toasters
always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge
and not in the freezer?
If Jimmy cracks
corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
Experience is a wonderful thing.
It enables you to
recognize a mistake when you make it again.
Someone who
thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
Blessed are they who can laugh at
themselves for
they shall never cease to be amused
Who was the
first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?
Eat well, stay fit, die
anyway.
Men are from
earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
Middle age is when broadness of the
mind and
narrowness of the waist change places.
Opportunities
always look bigger going than coming.
"What the caterpillar
thought was surely the end,
the butterfly knew was just the beginning."
For
every person with a spark of genius,
there are a hundred with ignition trouble.
Bills travel through the
mail at twice the speed of checks.
A conscience is
what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Not one shred of evidence supports
the notion that life is serious.
It is easier to
get forgiveness than get permission.
For every action, there is an equal
and opposite government program.
If you look
like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
Going to church doesn't make you a
Christian any more than going to a
garage makes you a mechanic.
Artificial
intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
If you must choose between two evils,
pick the one you've never tried before.
My idea of housework
is to sweep the room with a glance.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Marathon
runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
If you're too open minded, your brains will
fall out.
Age is a very
high price to pay for maturity.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are
in Seine.
When an actress
saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead
to know basis.