Thoughts - Part 3
 

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

Take my advice, I'm not using it!

You know you're getting old when you stop to think and forget to start again.

I love to give homemade gifts, ... umm, which one of the kids would you like?

I have a million dollar figure -- but it's all loose change!

By the time you find greener pastures, you can't climb the fence.

 A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it aint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

If it's true we are what we eat, I am either fast, cheap, or easy.

Discover Wildlife!  Have Kids!

Our policy is to always blame the computer.

Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends.

I'm not aging, I just need re-potting.

I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully.

God, if I can't be skinny, let all my friends be fat.

If you don't like my attitude, call 1-800-Who Cares.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
 
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

Budget: A method for going broke methodically.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error...

I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
 
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
 
Mental floss prevents moral decay.

We cannot change the direction of the wind... but we can adjust our sails.

There are two kinds of pedestrians-the quick and the dead.
  
Life is sexually transmitted. (Ok...)

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

I love cooking with wine.  Sometimes I even put it in the food.

If not for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.

Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Dogs have owners.  Cats have staff.

 Middle age is when broadness of the mind and
 narrowness of the waist change places.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Experience is a wonderful thing.  It enables you
to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
 
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
 

A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
 
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
 
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

If you must choose between two evils,
pick the one you've never tried before.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of
consecutive days I've stayed alive.

No one ever says "It's only a game!" when their team is winning.
 
Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old,
you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

How come we choose from just two people for president
and 50 for Miss America?

I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

I love being married.  It's so great to find that one special
person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
 
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.
 
I am a nobody.  Nobody is perfect.  Therefore I am perfect.

I saw a rather large woman wearing a sweatshirt
 with 'Guess' on it.  I said, "Thyroid problem?"

I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the
same effect just by standing up really fast.

Sign In Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable.
Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

The only thing wrong with a beautiful drive
to work is that you still end up at work.

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school was my blood alcohol content.

I live in my own little world, but it's OK, everyone knows me here.

Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

The difference between the Pope and your boss.
The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once, the seat folded up, the
drink spilled and that ice, well it really chilled her mood.

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
 
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
 
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
 
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
 
Get a new car for your spouse -- it'll be a great trade!
 
Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
 
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
 
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
 
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
 
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
 
Support bacteria -- they're the only culture some people have.
 
When everything's coming your way, you're in the
wrong lane and going the wrong way.
 
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
 
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
 
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
 
Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.

Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
 
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
 
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
 
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

  There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

    Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to
recognize a mistake when you make it again.

    Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

     Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for
they shall never cease to be amused.

  Men are from earth.  Women are from earth.  Deal with it.

   Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness
of the waist change places.

    Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

     Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away
three weeks before you need it.

  For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

 Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

 A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

 Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

 Disney World - a people trap operated by a mouse.
 
When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case heaven is like the IRS.

I got this motor home for my wife - best deal I ever made.

All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

Born free taxed to death.

Don't be sexist - broads hate that.

I just got lost in thought.   It was unfamiliar territory.

Beauty is only skin deep - Ugly goes straight to the bone.
.
Conserve trees - eat a beaver.

Lead me not into temptation -I can find it myself.
 
Boldly going nowhere.
 
All men are animals - some just make better pets.

Don't piss me off, I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
 
Wanted meaningful overnight relationship.

I is a college student.

Get even - live long enough to be a problem to your children.

Grow your own dope - plant a man.

Fight crime - shoot back.
 
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
 
If you think I'm a lousy driver, wait till you see me putt.

Honk once if you're Jesus - twice if you're Elvis.
 
If it's too loud, you're too old.
 
It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.
 
I haven't lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.

My karma ran over your dogma.

I tried to daydream but my mind kept wandering.

Evacuate the road - student driving!

Where are we going and why am I in this hand basket?
 
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

You! Out of the gene pool!
 
I fought the lawn and the lawn won .

Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

How come we choose from just two people to run for
 president and 50 for Miss America?

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having
 a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
 "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and butthead's.

Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

I have my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I got a sweater for Christmas...I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.

Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said, "Implants?"

I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get
the same effect just standing up fast.

A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

In democracy it's your vote that counts. 
In feudalism it's your count that votes.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

 A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.

Go ahead and hit me, I need the money.

My wife's other car is a broom.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's a scenic route.

If you lived in a car, you'd be home by now.

I wouldn't touch the metric system with a 3.048 metre pole.

Ask not what you can do for me - just do it!

Never mind the dog - Beware of owner!

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

The face is familiar but I can't quite remember my name.

He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit.

I don't suffer from insanity - I enjoy every minute of it.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Very funny Scotty, Now beam down my clothes.

Out of my mind - back in five minutes.

I'm not a complete idiot - some parts are missing.

Good cowgirls keep their calves together.

A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.

If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

I bet you I could stop gambling.

Heck was created for those who refuse to believe in Gosh.

Skydiving - good till the last drop.

I still miss my ex but my aim is getting better.

Gun control means using both hands.

Save the whales - collect the whole set.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Wear short sleeves - support your right to bare arms.

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

Say no to shampoo - demand real poo.

Prevent interbreeding - ban country music.

Please tell your pants it's not polite to point.

To err is human, to forgive is against company policy.

If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty liter?

People who think they know everything are a great
annoyance to those of us who do.

If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

Preserve nature - pickle a squirrel.

Corduroy pillows - they're making headlines!

Photons have mass, I didn't know they were Catholic.

Hypochondria is the one disease I haven't got.

Air pollution is a mist-demeanour.

Half the people you know are below average.

I plan to live forever - so far so good.

Trust in God-but lock your car.

Marriage isn't a word - it's a sentence.

Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister.

There's no future in time travel.

Mind like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.

Deja vu the feeling that somehow, somewhere,
you've been kicked in head like this before.

Take an interest in your husband's activities - hire a detective.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Practice safe sex - go screw yourself.

Forget the Joneses, I can't keep up with the Simpson's.

My other wife is beautiful.

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

I suffer from a sexually transmitted disease - children.

I'm not in heat so get off my tail.

 How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?    It's not hard.

 Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance
 than improving their minds?
 Because most men are stupid but few are blind.

 What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
 A guy will actually spend an hour searching for a golf ball.

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

Eat a prune and start a movement.

I took an IQ test - it came back negative.

My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her or something like that.

OK, who's been messing with my anti-paranoia medication?

Today is the day for decisive action.... or is it?

10,000 sperm and you were the fastest?

Give blood - play rugby.

Diarrhoea is hereditary - it runs in your genes.

To all you virgins - Thanks for nothing!

OK, so God made Heaven and Earth. But what has he done recently?

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood
 when one of them was suddenly a-salted.

Toilet stolen from police station. Cops have nothing to go on.

Failure is not an option. It's bundled with your software.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Madness takes its toll - Please have exact change

Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.

Toilet stolen from police station. Cops have nothing to go on.

If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

 I've found Jesus - he's in my trunk!

Make love not war - see driver for details!

Born again pagan!

Gone crazy - back in 10 minutes

Money is the route to all evil - send $10 for more info!

Veni, Vidi, Visa: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.

Veni, Vidi, Video: I came, I saw, I got it on tape.

Veni, Vidi, Velcro: I came, I saw, I stuck around.

Veni, Vidi, VD: I came, I saw, I cankered.

Veni, Vidi, Icky: I came, I saw, I felt sick.

Veni, Vidi, Vicky: I came, I saw, I got a talk show.

It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.

Vote Democratic...it's much easier than getting a job

It’s easier to vote republican than to get an education

Jesus is coming, look busy!

Annoy the media, re-elect Bush.

UFOs are real, the Air Force doesn't exist.

Go ahead and honk, I'm reloading!

If you don't like the way I dive, get off the sidewalk.

Earth first, we'll strip mine the other planets later.

Surgeon Generals Warning: television promotes illiteracy.

Piss off a liberal, buy a gun.

I'm not deaf, I'm ignoring you.

What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is using a feather... kinky is using the whole chicken.

A young person knows the rules but the old person knows the exceptions.

FORD's...Fix Or Repair Daily

FORD's...Found On Road Dead

Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.

Lord, make me the kind of person my dog thinks I am.

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

A smart husband buys his wife very fine china so she won't trust him to wash it.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

I love my Country, I fear my Government.

If we quit voting will they all go away?

The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.

Like what you see? Dial: 1-800-YOU-WISH

You've been a very bad girl, go to my room.

When I grow up I want to be just like Barbie, that b**** has every thing.

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What does Kodak film have in common with condoms?
They both capture the moment.

There are three sides to any story, my side, her side, and the truth.

Chastity is curable, if detected early.

One workman asks another, "How long have you been working here?"
The other one replies, "Since they threatened to fire me."

Go to Thoughts -Part 4
 
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