| Is it really annoying to have a lack of continuous format in a journal? |
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| Truthfully, I just can't make up my mind on one design long enough to live with it for more than a day or two (gee, I wonder why? hehe). So every journal entry ends up looking different. I'm beginning to wonder if this is a bad thing. Most of the entries don't really stand on their own very well; they need the rest of the journal for context. So perhaps I should try to keep the design changes down to once a month (if I can anyway). That way it doesn't look so.... disjointed. |
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| Argh. Even my journal is dissociated. I'm toying with the idea of asking Nikki and Mallory and anyone else here who wants to participate to make their own templates as well, so that readers will always know who's who. We'll see. What do you think? Is it hard to follow the author here? I think I'm a little spoiled by communicating with other multiples online. I think I'm getting too accustomed to not having to explain myself or make a point of saying "this is me writing, not Nikki or anyone else". People close to me know already (most of the time), so I forget that I have to keep the disjointedness to a minimum in order to be understood. |
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| I can't find any other online journals written by multiple members of one system. Other multis keep journals, but they are almost exclusively written by the host. If you have found any, will you let me know? I'd really like to see how they accomodate conflicting style preferences without losing "cohesiveness" of presentation. |
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| I'm talking about design because I don't want to talk about me. If this was a paper journal, I would never have written that. |
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| I know I should talk about how the first appointment with the new therapist went. I should talk about how it feels to get this diagnosis officially stamped and "approved" by a professional. Other people should know what this is like, in case you or someone close to you has a psychiatric "disorder" some day. I'm avoiding talking about it because I'm too busy pretending not to have learned that bit of information about myself. |
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| I know that must seem totally whacked. Here's lysergia, publicly flaunting her dissociativeness online, talking about her alters like it's old hat, accepting her multiplicity and proclaiming to embrace it. Then a qualified doctor gives her a bunch of tests and agrees with her and she's terrified out of her mind. It is whacked. |
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| Part of me still hangs on to the idea that it's all a lie, that I made it up or imagined it, that one day I'll be able to say "hey I was wrong, I'm not dissociative, lookie here, I'm really alone in my body and just have a real bad memory... go figure". I have been dependent on that idea to get me through the really rough moments. When I feel out of control and know I am being forced out of consciousness by another alter, I tell myself "this isn't happening". I tell myself it's anything else but true. And then when I stop panicking (later), I stop fighting the voices and listen for the reason it happened. What happens now that someone will be telling me on a regular basis that I am NOT making it up, that I am dissociating, that I am truly losing control of my body and my life on a regular basis? What am I going to tell myself now when I am terrified? |
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| It also means I can't change my mind and lie to the therapist now. It means that he'll be looking for them when I speak. It means I can't pretend to always be the one talking, because he'll know. This not only terrifies me, it has some of my alters in an uproar. To some of them, identification equals a fate worse than death. Being inside this head, hiding behind me and the others, has been the only safe place they could hide from the world. They are terrified to be discovered, cornered, and made to "do things". I don't think I need to explain what those things are. |
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| And that's what the fear really comes down to for me. If I am really this fragmented, then the "things" they're scared of are also real. I don't know anyone who split their consciousness because they couldn't handle soccer practice. I only know people who split because they were forced to endure terrible acts as children. I have had flashbacks of similar acts for about fifteen years now, way before ever knowing about DID. But I tell myself that I imagined that, too. Believing I am a multi is akin to believing the abuse happened. I don't wanna, I don't wanna, I don't wanna. I want to be making it up. I don't want those small voices in my head to have ever had to go through that. I want to think some of them sexually act out (and always have) for any other reason than that someone taught them to be that way. But there isn't any other reason, is there? Is there? Do children ever really want to know "those" things that they know, do what things they do? I'm grasping at straws. I'm sorry. And I am doing a dishonour to those children that live behind my vision to claim that they instigated any of it. |
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| I have to stop talking about this now. I feel really sick. |
