| it's been awhile, eh? i'll think of a way to make it up to you somehow :) |
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| my apologies for being slack with this journal. it's been a busier week than usual. i finally got my meds (yay!), but this means that for a few weeks i'll be a nauseous space cadet until the side-effects ease up. so please excuse me while i'm making even less sense than the babble you're used to. |
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| it's our daughter's birthday today. she's NINE. i know it's a clich� to say where has the time gone, but, really.... where has the time gone? yesterday she was three. i swear. i'm sad that i cannot be with her today (she's at the campground with my folks, and i am transportationless). we talked on the phone, though, and she doesn't seem too upset about it. she's having enough fun to forgive my absence :) |
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| i don't talk about her much because i'm still grieving the loss of living with her. it still hurts too much to talk about her in detail. it was my choice to send her to live with her father in november, and i know i made the right choice... i don't make a very good parent right now. but i never wanted it to be this way. sometimes the only reason i keep trying to get better is so that i can have her in my home again every day without being triggered. |
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| that's enough about that. |
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| i'm very proud of myself for staying home this weekend. R's family is having a big important gathering at a cottage outside of the city for the weekend. by friday this week, i had already maxed out my tolerance for stress... i can only take so much, then i need to withdraw before the anxiety leads me somewhere stupid. normally, i would go no matter how stressed i felt just because i can't stand to disappoint R. this time, i put my foot down (after wavering awhile) and said no. i felt guilty as hell, i felt like i was being a selfish bitch, but i said no anyway because it's what "i" needed to do. i've come to a point in my life where it's okay for me to say what i want, but if i have the slightest inclination that i am inconveniencing anyone in the process i'll just shut up. example: if you get up to go fetch a glass of water, i might ask you to get me one too. but if you aren't getting one yourself, i won't ask you unless i am deathy ill. is that fucked up or what? this applies to just about every decision and interaction in my life. saying no is very very hard, no matter what the consequences are to my well-being. i'm too afraid of what might happen if i do say no. so staying home alone this weekend was a big deal to me, and i'm proud that i did it (guilt and all). |
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| i'm also not writing much lately because i've been having some serious recall about my childhood, and to put it mildly it's fucking with my mind. specific details of the sexual abuse have always eluded me, like faces or names or places where it happened. until now, i have only remembered the physical and emotional sensations (the pain, the fear, the sick feeling it brings). now i see faces, i know names, i see places where it happened. i don't know how long it went on, but i know who. my sense of reality is even more elusive now than ever. i am not freaking out, and i am not sure why. i feel like i should be flipping, but instead i feel numb. i know i'm dissociating like crazy, but i don't know who i'm losing time to, and i can't hear the other kaleidescopes very clearly. it's almost as if they've backed away from me, or i from them, i don't know. i don't know if they're in on this recall or not. i think i'm in serious shock, or denial, or something. something's not right. |
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| so it may or may not be awhile before i write again. |
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| one more thing before i go... happy belated birthday to anarchia... love you hon :) |
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| what we're eating: |
| toast, coffee, coffee, and more coffee, crispy crunch bar |
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| what we're reading: |
| Shampoo Planet, by Douglas Coupland |
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| what we're wearing: |
| jeans and a tank top, new sandals (yay!), new bright red hairdo too |
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| what we're listening to: |
| Dead Elvis, Death in Vegas |
| Risotto, Fluke |
| Evanescence, Scorn |
| Wired Injections, a Cleopatra Records compilation |
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| Quote of the day: |
| "As of today I feel like I was sitting in a calm, quiet room when suddenly a Tomahawk cruise missile roars in through one window and out through another, all in a ten-thousandth of a second. Sure, my room is quiet now, but I can never see it as totally safe ever again." - Dougas Coupland, Shampoo Planet. |
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