| Oh christ....I hate writing when I'm like this.... it seems though that most of the time when I feel like writing, it's because I am this desperate and don't know what else to do. I have no one to talk to, so this is what I do. I can't talk to K anymore, since she's too self-absorbed to care, I can't talk to W because she feels even worse than I do. My other friends care, but get really uncomfortable with other people's problems. I don't want to talk to Cryogen, because I don't want to take away from the one thing that ever makes me feel better anymore.... our relationship. It's strained enough right now with my crap, I don't want to add anything else to it.
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| I know I'm slipping badly again...I've felt it coming on for awhile now, but it's getting worse fast. I know I gave up my meds too quickly... I was on such a high from starting again and falling in love that I thought everything would be okay.... but it's not okay. I really really want them back now, but I can't afford them. That is part of the problem in the first place... I can't afford anything anymore. |
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| I am having such a hard time "exhaling" in this relationship now that I'm so poor. I owe Cryogen money, and I can't stand it. Neither can he, and it shows. He continues to help not because he really wants to, but because he's a good person and he knows he "should". It's like the woman who hates sex but does it anyway because she loves her husband and she wants him to be happy. In truth, he would be much happier if I didn't need his help financially. He never says it, but it's there in his expression and his tone of voice whenever it comes up. It's in that sigh he makes when he opens his wallet to pay for two instead of one, it's the way he rolls his eyes and tries to be sarcastic (unsuccesfully) when he says "I suppose we'll be using MY card AGAIN". He's not trying to be mean.... he's just so passive-aggressive that he won't say "no, I don't want to do this", but he'll still unconsciously resent it later. He doesn't think so, but I have watched him having a really good time being out with me until it's time to pay, and then the laughter and the conversation stops. His mood swings almost 180 degrees, and then he wants to go home. When I actually had money, it was never like that... he stayed happy. We still joked and only went home if we really wanted to. Now I am feeling helpless and dependent, like a child, and I hate it. I would feel like that even if he didn't get annoyed, but it certainly doesn't alleviate my worries. I cannot feel like an equal in this relationship until this is resolved.
On top of this, it's been a rough week anyway, with bad money news and stress from work and hormones from hell and my usual Halloween panic attacks. I'm emotionally exhausted. I feel drained, like I only have the energy left to cry, but the tears never come that easily for me. My eyes water and the rest of it gets stuck in this lump in my throat that gets bigger every day. Half of the time, I'm miserable and trying to forget about it, a quarter of the time I'm actually happy, and the other quarter I want to crawl under the covers and never come out again. I feel good when I'm working at something that occupies my mind, like painting or housework or cooking, or when I'm drinking and out of this house, or when I'm making love with Cryogen. Sometimes just being with him is enough too, when I can forget about the money thing and he's in a good mood. |
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| I'm going to crash soon though... I can feel it coming. What am I going to do to stop it? I don't want to wreck my relationship or be a bad parent or lose my job. Cryogen says he can be there through anything, but it's easier said than to live with someone who's really depressed. He can't take my moods all that well (he's too moody himself), and I don't want to change the way he sees me. I have a horrible fear that he expects me to be like his ex... if he sees me this way, will he expect me to behave like her? Sometimes assuming other people's intentions/meanings/beaviours is the same as if the person actually says or does them. You react the same way. I have seen what she put him through out of her own neuroticism, and I'm afraid he'll think I'm being manipulative and dramatic also. She and I are so different... but I don't know if he would see that.
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| It feels good to get some of this out of me. I can't cry it out, maybe I'll write it out. I am sick of feeling sorry for myself. I want another job so I can have my power back... my power over myself. Then if I need to deal with anything I can do it on my OWN terms, not have to ask someone to help me. I can buy meds. I can get out of here when I need to. I can drink and smoke all I want. Whatever it takes to make me feel better, then I can do it.
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| Oh please, let tomorrow be a good day. Let good things happen to me, let this weight lift from my body just for a little while, let Cryogen and Sydney be happy. Let me be optimistic and not be disappointed. Let me be normal, whatever that is.
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| -lysergia, november 1997 |
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