| Remember when I said that I had found God for fifty bucks a month? Well, the last entry is what happens when you quit your religion too soon. Not only do you become utterly miserable, you also assume everyone else feels the same way about you.... |
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| I have no idea how much of what I wrote about Cryogen is true and how much is the product of my newly misfiring neurotransmitters. Because I am having a relatively good moment right now, I can look at this and see that I was wrong in thinking that he has no real desire to help me... that is uncalled for, without justification. When I see things like that in people I love, it's usually because I am afraid that the other shoe is finally dropping and that's the way it REALLY is.... being depressed just makes it incredibly easy to believe. I still think my being poor bothers him, just not as much as I have been thinking for the past week. |
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| I have taken Paxil for the past few days... K stopped taking hers and I was desperate, so I bought them from her. I hope they work, at least long enough for me to get to the doctor to beg for Fluoxetine again. I cannot afford them, but there's got to be a way somehow. Without them I have serious doubts that I can ever get out of this. I had my first suicidal thought in years the other night, and I don't like it. It's not that I want to die, but in my worst moments I'm just sick of trying to hold it all together and it looks so much easier to just give up. I WANT TO LIVE!!! I don't want this illness to ruin my life. |
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| I am craving excess again.... or rather, more so than usual. I want to get high, I want to drink until I am obnoxious and loud, I want extremes, I want to fuck the world. I want to give up on everything that's good for me, everything that's responsible. I want to climb up on my roof and scream. I want to try drugs I've never done.... I want ecstasy, I want speed, I want cocaine. I want color back in my world instead of varying shades of gray I see everywhere. I want to be with uninhibited, angry people. I want to break things. I want to hurt someone who deserves it. I want revenge. I want to be hurt, I want to bleed. |
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| I can't look for someone to take this out on, someone to blame. This monster is in my head. I own it. It's always been there, waiting for me to let it take over my life. It wins every now and then in little pieces, the piece that spends her last ten bucks on booze, the piece that stays up until four even if I have to work in the morning, the piece that makes me hurt Cryogen in bed (even though he likes it). That monster will always be there, and if I don't let it win every once in awhile I will go mad.
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| I wish I had a real God to fall back on, I wish I had faith in something. The world I live in is fucked, and there's nothing I can do about it. People are mean, greedy, selfish, arrogant, ugly. Every once in awhile I meet someone who I think is different, and I'm wrong. Every once in awhile I meet someone who I think is different, and I'm right. And most of the time, it turns out that they're just as fucked up as I am. I've lost my faith in people. If I had religion, I might have something to look forward to, or an explanation for why my life is this way. But I don't. I am going to die and rot one day, and the world will go on without me just the same. AND SO IT GOES!
Fuck, I have to stop now. This is irrational ranting. |
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| -lysergia, november 1997 |
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