| what the hell am i going to do? |
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| the doc's appointment was today. we talked about what kind of anti-d would be the best idea. he thinks i should try the effexor again, which is fine. he thinks i should ease into it a little slower so the inital anxiety effects will not be overwhelming. that's fine too. he looked around for some free samples but there were none. he wrote me an rx for two weeks worth of meds. when he handed them to me, he looked me in the eye and said "i will not give you more pills than this at one time until you get better. if you take all of these, you will not die. you'll get very very sick and feel even worse than you do now, but you will not die. come back in two weeks and i will increase the dose then if you are able." |
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| i couldn't help the tears when he said that. i felt like a little powerless child being scolded for wanting to die. i was so embarrassed i couldn't wait to get out of that office. i hid behind my sunglasses and a kleenex while making another appointment, then bolted out of there as fast as i could. i cried all the way home and i am still crying now, but i need to write as a distraction so that i can pretend to be dealing with this. i'm not dealing. i don't know what to do. |
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| there is just no money for this medication. it's expensive. it wasn't supposed to happen this way. he was supposed to have samples from the drug rep like before. he says that its totally unpredictable who sends him samples of what, and that there is nothing that he can do to influence that. |
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| right now i feel like i have three choices. one choice is to forego the meds altogether and see how long i can make it. the second choice is to officially become single in the eyes of the welfare system (which means either a lot of lying or actually leaving R) so that they will help me. my third choice is to reneg on my new family boundaries and go home, where if i act like i am grateful (and forgive their abuse) they will keep me medicated and under their wing. |
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| getting a job is not an option. i haven't even been able to get any work done at home, let alone anywhere else. i am far too drained and confused to keep up with even the slowest pace. not to mention that we're switching way too much to guarantee following any kind of schedule. |
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| i don't wanna be sick anymore. i want to be a good girl and be able to do all the things i am supposed to. i feel so worthless and small right now. |
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| the want of death is so strong i can taste it. |
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| i need support right now from people who understand this, from people who will not expect me to "buck up" and play courageous. i need people who can witness pain and not run or try to solve it or squish it or mock it. i can't go to my favorite forum, my lifeline in so many ways, because the community is grieving the loss of a special woman who befriended many there. she died of cancer on sunday. it was so sudden and it really rocked the community. we didn't know her very well, but we will miss reading her posts. unfortunately, all the talk of her death and the grieving our friends are experiencing is amplifying my death fantasies right now, and i can't risk participating in their mourning. i feel like such a slimeball for abandoning the community during such a terrible time. but i know that every time i have gone there today, seeing the mourning made me crave death so badly i could hardly stand it. i keep wishing it had been me, not her. she was so much further along this road than we are. she had healed to the point that living became a blessing rather than a curse. she was beginning to enjoy life again. and then she died. why? why not me instead? |
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| i don't care how bad this sounds today. i don't care if my writing sucks, i don't care if i sound pitiful, i don't care if i come off as yet another melodramatic sniveling teenager. there has got to be one place in the world where it's okay for me to say I WANT TO DIE without being punished. this is that place. wanting to die should not be a secret. |
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| and before somebody thinks this is a suicide note or a cry for attention, please know this: i won't act on that impulse because i still have some small thread of hope that it can get better than this, and i still have my internal roommates to watch over and make sure i don't do anything irreversible (i hope). and i don't know about attention, but i am crying for help. |
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| - Nikki |
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Sunday is Gloomy,
My hours are slumberless,
Dearest, the shadows I live with are numberless
Little white flowers will never awaken you
Not where the black coach of sorrow has taken you
Angels have no thought of ever returning you
Would they be angry if I thought of joining you
Gloomy Sunday
Sunday is gloomy
With shadows I spend it all
My heart and I have decided to end it all
Soon there'll be flowers and prayers that are sad,
I know, let them not weep,
Let them know that I'm glad to go
Death is no dream,
For in death I'm caressing you
With the last breath of my soul I'll be blessing you
Gloomy Sunday
Dreaming
I was only dreaming
I wake and I find you
Asleep in the deep of
My heart
Dear
Darling I hope that my dream never haunted you
My heart is telling you how much I wanted you
Gloomy Sunday
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- Gloomy Sunday, Rezso Seress and Laszlo Javor
read about the Gloomy Sunday legend here
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