| I am back to this again..... I hate it so much. How can I have this many good things in my life and still feel like giving up? Today it's really bad - I understand today why people just decide to die rather than keep fighting this monster. |
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| But I am not going to die, because I remember that not every day is like this. Some days are still wonderful, and I would keep living for those days or moments as long as I remember them. |
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| So what triggered this one today? It's a money thing, which if course means more than just money or I wouldn't feel like this. My bank account is empty because I was stupid enough to leave my paycheque in long enough for the student loan people to find it. Now I can't pay my rent, and I don't know what to do. I feel like a failure because I am having so much trouble looking after myself and my daughter. I can't get out of this situation until I find better work, and I can't find better work until I feel like myself again, so it's a catch-22. I need a solution today for this though, and I'm not sure what that is. |
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| The first thing I did upon learning this last night was get really drunk. I can't just keep getting drunk and pretending I am not in trouble, because the trouble never goes away. I actually cried last night for a long time, and today I feel like I've had the wind knocked out of me. I could just keep crying forever. I don't want to be this sad, but I know that I have to get used to feeling things instead of running away from them. I guess right now when I do actually feel something, when it breaks through the surface, it's overwhelming instead of just "normal". I guess eventually I will feel things on a more even keel instead of in extremes. |
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| I should be angry and upset about this. It is a problem. I need to just give myself permission to be frustrated and whatever else I feel right now. I don't have to kick myself over this. I don't have to grin and bear it, and I don't have to be okay just to make anyone else feel more comfortable. This is where I am. Easier said than done. |
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| On that note, I have to call K and tell her what's going on and that I will not be at work. I absolutely cannot handle her today, which is another problem in itself that needs to be rectified. I am doing this while I am having a stronger moment. |
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| -lysergia, december 1997 |
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