| I have to write this down while I feel it with such clarity. I woke up this morning in my usual way when I don't have to work... late, and kind of depressed. I sat drinking my tea (there was no coffee left) and thinking about the conversation Cryogen and I had last night about being validated as a couple even though we aren't married. I had told Cryogen that being made to sleep in seperate rooms at his parent's house (which we will be expected to do at Christmas) makes me feel as if our relationship and our commitment to one another is not taken seriously, and that while I respect his family's religious beliefs, I will do this only once before I expect that my belief systems are also respected. I went to sleep last night wondering exactly why this bothers me so much... really, the way his parents view our relationship is not that important in the scheme of things. But it did get to me, and so I meditated on it subconsciously the way I always do. |
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| The conclusion I came to while drinking my tea this morning (after a night of meditation) is quite startling to me. I realized that for the first time, I view myself as a lifetime partner, a wife I guess. Because this is SUCH a big step for me, I want it acknowledged by everyone. If I sit and think about it even now, I feel overwhelmed - I never want to leave this man. I want to belong to this relationship forever. I would promise him that today, that no matter what happens I am never leaving. Can you imagine, trusting someone that much? I trust him so much that I give him my very innermost self and truly believe he will care for it always... not abuse it, not mock it, not treat it lightly. I believe that no matter what happens he will care for me, and that I will care for him through anything. |
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| It's not only that I am finally able to trust someone this much. It's that I love him this much. I found myself thinking of this with my tea.... where, exactly, are the boundaries of my feelings for this man? I have always had boundaries before, I have always known exactly where my love for a person stops. I know what I will not do for someone, because I know what they will not do for me. I know the limits of my dedication to anyone. I know under what conditions I will abandon anyone. I cannot seem to find these boundaries with Cryogen. My love for him is so encompassing..... does everyone have this moment where they realize that their love for someone is limitless? I believe that he will never test my love for him so much that I will question whether I need boundaries. |
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| The walls are crashing down! Berlin was nothing compared to this. I am free! Don't ask me how knowing you want to be tied to someone forever makes anyone free, but for me it's true. |
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| -lysergia, december 1997 |
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