magic bus
| See that bus? That's the one I want to board, right now |
| It's bright and shiny and I cannot imagine being anything but happy riding in it. I just wish it would drive down my street once in a while, so maybe I could catch a ride outta the land of reality for a few hours. |
| My buddy Anarchia taught me an analogy about a bus that's been a great help in my healing. She told me that no matter what happens in my life, that i am driving my own bus. What she meant was that I have the right as human being to choose what I will and will not do - and if I don't drive my bus, somebody else will (and I might not like where it's going). |
| If you're lucky enough to have survived the horror that is childhood with your self-esteem intact, you probably think that this is common sense, right? Wrong. It isn't common sense to everyone, and it isn't common sense to me. |
| Somewhere along the way, I forgot (didn't learn?) that I was allowed to drive my bus. I thought I might have a few options as to what kind of features my bus would have (like what color I painted it, or how big the tires might be), but I never in a million years thought that I would be the driver. Exactly who would be driving my bus would depend on who was closest to me: my parents, my teachers, my peers, my boss, my lover, my child... anyone who had a recurring presence in my life. My only way to control where the bus was going was to influence, manipulate, threaten, or bribe the current driver (you can guess that it didn't always work). Sometimes the bus went down some pretty terrible roads: garish boulevards of humiliation, empty streets of neglect, hidden paths of deceit, crowded avenues of violence, back alleys of rape... |
| My bus is a little worn down. |
| I'm glad I know now that my bus is mine to drive (or wreck). Now I also know that what little driving skill I do have was gleaned from less than adequate drivers. |
| My brain granted me a small clue this morning that I can't relearn to drive properly while I'm still on a public road. I need to stop the bus. I need to get out, take a good look at it, learn how it works, study the rules, and then get behind the wheel to practice. Also, it might take a long time to understand how to drive my bus, since it has a few dozen engines instead of one. But lots of other people have buses like that, and they're really good drivers, so there's hope for me yet. |
| I am scared that I will never be allowed to turn off the ignition for awhile. I am scared that I won't be able to pay for parking, so I'll have to keep driving myself into these terrible accidents all the time. I'm scared I'll run out of gas before that day comes. I'm scared that if I do make it that far, nobody will want to give me driving lessons. |
| Where did that magic bus go? |