| July 17, 2002 things are really stressful. I Feel bombarded and alone. What a combination . Jon and I are over. I suppose we were over for a very long time, we just never relized it.My bulemia is getting worse. I'm thinking of giving up on food all together. My cutting has started up again. I haven't seen my mommy in ages. Dad is just himself. I feel so empty, alone, nothing. I'm crying right now. I just get so emotional. Why do things have to be hard. I like the way Jeremie looks at things, he says no matter how bad you have it, there's allways someone worse off than you. I feel alone cuz i haven't seen Jeremie today i think. I've seen him every day for that past week and a half. It just feels weird cuz he said he'd be here by 2pm and it's now 3:45pm. I guess something more important came up. Oh well. July 27, 2002 He came to me, last friday. I wasn't expecting him, and I was in shock. I didn't know what to say. I was at a loss of words, all I kept saying was that he shouldn't have came. He just had this look on him, like he was discusted with me. I was stupid, i just kept saying "You shouldn't have come". It was his birthday on thursday. It would have been the 1st that i've known him that i've missed. I feel awful. I feel like I'm killing him. I know he's really mad at me. Gui said so. He even made a new e-mail account. Of course he didn't tell me. I don't blame him, I hate me too.I wrote him an e-mail at this old account , the one i know, and i hope he gets it. I need him to read that letter.Chances are slim though. What have I done? I want him to forgive me. I just want to apologize. I'm sorry Jon... July 29, 2002 Pan had her babies. Last Thrusday accually, I've been upset so i haven't written about them.There's five of them. I was so happy when they were born. Now they're getting bigger, their eyes are almost open I think. They're so tiny.They're all little grey and white creatures. I want to keep one. but I think it's highly outa of the question. Oh well. I'm going to my mom's tomorrow. I'm really nervous. I just remember last time, and It was terrible. I was so uncomfortable, and home sick. Luckily it's only for a few days.Just till thursday.Then I'll get to see Jeremie again. He really makes me feel happy. He's allways there when i have a problem and doesn't bullshit me. He eats like a pig tho. LOL, it's adorable. LOL. He's an awsome guy. A real brother to me, a friend August 5th, 2002, Well, it's a new month and a new start on life i suppose. Jeremie and I are going out. Jon got everything he needed to say out. My kittens are beautiful. School it almost here. Luckily Casey's moving back from Kingston and I'll be going to school with her again!! YAY! I went to a party on the weekend at Chase's house. It was a party from friday to monday but Jer and I only stayed till sunday. Saturday, my bladder infection came back and I had to call my mom and she brought me to the hospital. I have more medication for it now.This one guy, Eric i think his name was, took alot of pictures of me. It was funny cuz i found out he wanted Kerry and Casey to flash the camera. Good thing they said no. *Sigh* I'm so bored with life. Do you know the feeling. Like you've done it all before. And nothing's new? That;s what I feel like. I haven't heard back from the lady at the Apple Orchard yet, and i'm worried because training starts this week I was sure i got the job, why hasn't she called? August 8th, 2002 I got the job at the orchard. I start thursday next week, I have an interview test thingy today.No wait, a "STUDY" It's about depression and stuff like that. I get 20$ so that's good. :) yay me. Now i'll have enough to buy my boots. YAY me again. Jon keeps writing me these mean e-mails. I deserve it to a degree. He wrote me a nice e-mail about me and Jeremie, but i thought he was being sarcastic and it made me mad that he thought i was never happy with him.I got mad and wrote him back telling him to get over himself and now he keeps writing me e-mails back saying "fuck you" and other stuff. I don't think i deserve it considering i said i was sorry and that I truley meant that i was sorry. I guess he'll just have to deal with it as I must. August 12, 2002 I went to my mom's last thursday. I needed to get away from here. We went shopping yesterday. I got some nice clothes. I'm shocked, i founc a pair of womens bondage pants. What are the odds? Anyways. It's good to be back home. I missed Jeremie and my dad. I find out today if i got the job at Jumbo Video. I really hope i did. I need that job. Suprise suprise, Guess who got an interview there, Jeremie, LOL. I think that's funny, although he may get the job and I won't. >:-( Mmmm... David Bowie... don't ask. August 15, 2002 Last night was amazing. Jeremie, Chase and I were walking back to my place,and it started to pour! We all got drenched! Jeremie took his shirt off in the cold rain. It was adorable. We got back to his place (we ran down the street) and he gave me probably the bigest t-shit in his drawers. LOL, i slept in it last night.I love sleeping in his clothes, they smell so good. I start work in a couple hours. I'm kinda tired so i dunno if i'll have fun. GTG. August 17, 2002 Dad never told me my grandparents were coming to visit. don't get me wrong, i love them to death, it's just there's way too many people in the house. I can't handle it. Nana just went to the hospital. she's not feeling good, I wish i could do something to help. August 19, 2002 I'm writing a book. I've come to the conclusion that maybe i can help people with similar problems as me by sharing my adventure through life with them. It's really just to help me remember things that have happend before i forget it all and remember nothing. I needed to start from the begining. When everything started. So far i have 4 pages, which is alot considering those are computer pages. I hope to not give up and write the whole thing. |
 |