| (continuation of May 15th 2002) okay, so anyways... at this very exact moment, i feel very low. I want to fly away from here. Far, far away. And I'm not sure I want to bring anyone with me. I feel alone, and I just can't embrace the love and comfort my loved ones give me. I just don't want to be near anyone. I don't want to be touched. I don't want to be kissed. Hugged. Looked at. Nothing. I want nothing. Last week, daddy and I fought like we were in a war. Apparently, I am manipulative. It's my disorder. I manipulate everyone. Hell, for all you know, you avid reader you, I might have already mainuplated, corrosed your poor mind. I shouldn't be near anyone. I shouldn't speak. I should just sleep forever. Away from everything. I also got kicked out of my home. I can't keep fighting like this. I can't keep going on and on like everything will be okay in the end. I'm sick of telling myself that's the answer. It's not. Things won't be okay unless I act on it. And if that means being away from my mommy and daddy and brother and lovers, so be it. Am I allowed to be selfish? Am I allowed to want? To need? Am I allowed to be a child clinging to those? No, I don't think I am. I don't deserve any of it. I deserve to die for my manipulation. Hung, publicly exposed. Humiliated. I deserve that much May 16th, 2002, I've come home sick again today. I puked up my lunch because i just kept eating and eating and then i got sick. It hasn't happend in while. I'm afraid of what people will say when they find out i've thrown up again. God, i mean i thought the pills would make the pain stop and i wouldn't throw up. I was wrong again, as per usual. Daddy comes home tonight. I hate talking with him. It's like no matter what we talk about, it turns into a battle. I'm afraid of him. Now, i know you avoid readers are thinking, my god, he hurts her! Well, no, he wouldn't hurt a hair on my head. I'm just scared of his intellegenxe. They say i'm manipulative, well, discuss with my father then we'll see. Why do the God and Goddess hurt me so? May 19th, 2002, Today was such a wrong day. I've done nothing but laze around the house. I love my brother, I hardly see him. But he's just in my face constantly. And I just want to shake him and say "Leave me alone! Please!" but where's the justice in that? I'm horrible... I just can't seem to deal with the standards of people. Anyone for that matter. I wish like most that I could fly far far away from where I am.Enough with the self-pity. May 21st, 2002, Today I was relly sick. Maybe it's because I tounged my meds. I don't need those fucking things! They do nothing! We have a tenant who lives in my house, his name is Greg, he's 21 I think, has a daughter, but she doesn't live here. She's over right now. Adorable. I love her to death already. She's about 2 years old. Has blond hair. I think her name's Haley. This guy has issues. I mean he can't make up his mind. What am I going on about? Fuck it. May 22nd, 2002, I cut my arms up last night. Really badly. Then I did is again this morning. I don't know if I'll ever get over this you know? I thought I had stopped cutting,Stoped fantasiing about some form of demise.. but again, i was wrong. I'm so sad. I want to end everything. But there are so many who claim to love me.and i can't let them down. I mean, if I accually worked, you know, like i accually died, no one would really care. It hurts more when you fail and still live then if you die June 23, 2002, Wow, it has been ages. It's hard to keep writing in this. But i suppose i've made a commitment and i'll have to stick to it one way or another. So what's been up with me? I've gotten kicked out of my house a few times. Dad is now "refusing to fight" asif everything were my fault. It's so hard living like this. I want to go back to my mom's but i don't think i could live with her rules. I want to stay with my dad, but i don't think i can stand him for much longer. I want to move out but i'm not old enough and have no money. It's asif everything is saying, " you know Renee, there's only one way out. and you know it!" and I don't want to die, i honestly don't, but it's a no-win situation, and i'm afraid that i'll flip and end up really hurting myself.What is wrong with me?! Why am i like this? I'm either flipping out, or i'm moderate. I'm never happy. I can pretend so well, and then people think i'm fine. But when will they understand that it's not me? I mean i could act like i feel 24/7 right? Then end up back in the hospital. GOD i'm paranoid!!! Fuck, why isn't life easy?!!? June 27, 2002 I'm so frustrated. I'm so upset, first Jon, now I find out my god son is being put up for adoption. I can't handle this.Why do things allways want to kick me when I'm down? Am I a bad person? Did i do something wrong? Was I bad as a child? What is so wrong with me?! I make myself sick.I hate this! I hate everything. I hate who I am, and What PEOPLE preceive me to be. Fuck you Jon. I've changed? Please forgive me for growing up. I'm sorry. I'm tired and i'm sorry. I'm guilty, i'm insane, I'm dramatic, I'm a pain. Kill me please! July 3, 2002, It's so constant. The fucking critism. I do anything and it's , no this is wrong, or, you're messing it up, or here let me do it. what am i useless? July 11, 2002, I don't understand why everything is so complicated. Jon, finally relizing that he has to get his life in gear has sacrificed everything, even me. I think maybe he lost me a long time ago. I love him so much. I don't want to lose him, but i don't know if i can stay with him. I'd rather be friends with him than continue the relationship we have now. what we have now is really nothing. He knows it as much as I. He says he'll never love again. Do you believe that? I'm having a hard time trying. I know he's going to read this. He allways does. But i suppose I want him to understand my emotions.We're on a "break" right now, and I mean we've been on alot of them, but this is the real trial. I want him to find someone new, someone better. But he refuses to. My hands are tied. He loves me. And I love him. Just, am I "in love" with him? |
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