| April 9th 2002, I don't know how to help anyone. Eustanik for example, I wish I could be there with her to comfort her. Give her hugs. But I can't. I'm helpless. And she's so kind to me. No matter what. My age, doesn't matter. Nothing matters to her. I'm just me. No different. She's an amazing person. I didn't sleep again last night. I just can't do it. I'm so scared. If I sleep, will I ever wake up? And GOD! the pounding, I close my eyes, and my heart pounds, my head throbs and something screams at me, "Renee, opens your eyes, NOW!" I have to obey, I can't do any better. I'm not sure if i'm tired either. I suppose I might me. I should be shouldn't I? I don't feel tired. Jeremy's upset about something. I'm not sure what. I wish he'd talk to me. We used to talk all the time. He liked me at one point aswel I think. I think he told me that during the last stages of being drunk. I got to see Kristin today, so that cheered me up. She's so nice to me. Christian brought me to IRVINGS FUNERALS today. He had an interview to do with the funeral director. As I sat there, I periodicly zoned out of the questions Christian was asking the Director. I sat there and tried to imagine my funeral. I tried to imagine it in the parlour. I tried to visualize myself laying motionless in my casket. Jon sitting on a chair crying. My mother hunched over my casked banging her fists over it crying "Oh GOD! How could you?! My baby! Renee, Oh why?!" My dad was there, trying to comfort my mother, which is strange because they hadn't had any physical contact in over 4 years. My Grand-dad was there, shaking his head. My Nanna weeping mournfully. My friends still in shock. My little brother, being the strong little trooper he is, and not crying but screaming on the inside. I was in my white casket, in a white dress my mother had worn and I had worn when I won my perfeicency award. I had my Blankie and Pillow in my casket. And I had a white rosary. It was made of ivory, or some glass. I noticed this rosary because, I allways have vowed never to touch one of them. It had a crucifix on it. And a medalian of the Virgin Mary hanging like a charm upon it. The sick part is, I was smiling. I knew what was going on, and I was smiling. I thought to myself, see what you've all done to me. I'm here because no one ever cared enough. No one hugged me. No one gave me kissed without something to gein. No one ever tucked me in. And, as I lay there, in my casket, with my smile, I shed a single tear. Isn't that pathetic. I enjoyed that. I wanted that! I URNED for it. I wanted to be that. I wanted to be dead. I wanted them all to suffer on account of my own selfish demise. I hate myself for it. April 9th 2002, 10:10pm, My journal, oh my salvation. My train of thought. My window. I'm stressed. I'm very anxious about my birthday. Every year, I get nothing of grave importance to me. Yes, I know it is the thought that counts, but where does that end? I think mine ended about 4 years ago. when this all started. This year, all I wanted wasone thing for my birthday. Nothing unreasonalbe either. My tragus peirced. You be the juge. I can undersand where parents stand on the issue of peircings. But I honeslty cannot understand the harm in it all. I've asked for nothing but that for the last 2 birthdays and Chrismas'. At one point, my mother, the BORN AGAIN CHRISTIAN, was slowly getting weened onto the "yes" side of things. Now, when it's my father's turn, she denies ever going onto the darkside. I am now, at the last minute being tormented in what I'd like for my birthday. Ever notice how it's the small things that drive you insane first? I mean, it's a birthday, not the Apocolypse. But for some reason or another, this is very important to me. I need something of importance. I want something of meaning. Not just another CD. Not just another sweater, bath soap, perfume. I want something that would mean something. I want something with love in it. I supposed the reason I'm so pro the idea of the peircing is that I've wanted it for as long as I can remember, and now, that I'm of age, I am urning for it. It's driving mad. I absoloutly need what I was at this time. It seems like I never get what I want. Althought I know this isn't the case. Let me rephrase that. I never get what I truley desire. Am I just selfish? April 11th 2002, I went to see my councelor Lori today with my dad. He makes me so mad. And he's such a liar. He was going on and on about how he wants me to live with him (I do now, but how he accaully WANTS me to live with him) But see, he has "conditions". I'm not allowed to cut, binge, strave or purge. It's not that I want to do these things, it's jsut it's hard for me to help it sometimes. I read the report from my new phyciatrist today aswell. Aparently, the doctor detected no psychotic behavioius. Good! But, they took me off my med because they were dangerous to me because I was "abusing them". If I attempt to take my life again, I will be taken away to a controled environment to be assesed and medicated. How tragic is that? LOL So on went night number 3 without sleep. My dad is blaming me fo his lack of sleep because he apparently "can't sleep when your not sleeping" I think he's full of bull shit personally. He tried to kick me outta the living room last night because he wanted to talk to Carole (GF) Now, first of all, we have a portable phone, second of all it's mine and I was letting him use it to talk to the one person whom I despise and third of all, all I was doing was making a hemp necklace and watching tv without the sound on. How is that "disturbing the peace" ???!! I am so agrivated. Stressed and pissed off. I want to fucking die!!! April 19th 2002, Next Tuesday is my birthday. All I wanted was one thing. My tragus peirced. My father I suppose, was alright with the idea. But my mom, who still happens to have custody of me, said no. It was all i wanted! It was what i've been asking for for the last 2 christmas' and last birthday... I can understand the concept of not getting it when it's a demand like a pony. But a ear peircing?! What the fuck is wrong with that?! I'm so upset. I saw my mom for the first time in ages on thursday. Apparently, she didn't want to take my posters down, and get rid of my music. Oh no, the doctors told her to do it. That's just like saying the fucking voices in her head made her do it. What a square. I hate her so much sometimes. I mean, i want to impress her so much. I want her to to be proud of who I am, but i get the feeling that the only chance of that happening, is if i join a convent. GOD! I mean, I try! I try soooo hard! I just want her to fucking love me! I want her to hold me and say "Renee, you're perfect just the way you are. You don't EVER need to change" But the odds of that happening are slim to none. She doesn't care about anything but her social status. Fuck her! I hope she burns in her hell. Fuck! April 21st, 2002, Yesterday was an alright day. I say Jon, and he still loves me. I'm happy. Despite the hickeys. :P So, counting down the days, only 1 and half days lef till my b-day. I'm nervous. I keep thinking somethins gonna happen. Like, something BIG you know? I mean disasterous. So i guess you can can comprehend why i'm scared. May 15th, 2002, Alright, it's been a long time since i've been in my journal. Things have been really happening for me. The good, the bad, the incomprehnsible... Alright, 1st off I must say my b-day was okay. After all that, I got my tragus peirced. And note this, unless you're not afraid of pain, DO NOT GET IT DONE! I don't care for pain. The right ear felt nothing but the left ear was done bawtchy. It started litteraly gushing blood, thank God for Casey, she held my hand and cleaned up my blood. She moved away. She's in kingston now. I miss her so much. She was my best friend. No one will be able to replace her. And to be honest, I don't want to replace her... |
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