I currently live in Brockville Ont. Canada. Nothing too special. I was born in Vanier Ont. then moved to Barheaven then to Morewood Ont. where I lived for years until about a month and half ago. See, what happend was this... I was very suicidal. And my mother wasn't helping much. Everytime I'd get upset, she'd yell at me. So basically, that really gave me now reason to live. My life really sucked. So, after a while, I had attempted to kill myself again, and I ended up at the Winchester General Hospital. My mother, freaked out and spazed on the doctor on call. Yelling stuff like "Oh, she's sick! She needs to ne in a hospital! I don't want her to come home! " Et cetera... So anyways, the doctor said I was fine, and sent me home. The next day, I think it was a thursday, my mother woke me up and said to get dressed and ready cuz I was going to Roberts Smart...
Now, I need to explain this... Roberts Smart is a crisis center at the Royal Ottawa Mental Intution.
I was furious! I had no need to go there. SoI called my father in tears who gave me the number for a child worker and I called her and she told me that I should just cooperate and I'll be out on sunday.
So I went.
Now, here's the real knee-slapper... At the center, you don't get your own clothes. You have to ask to change spots on the couches.The food is horrible and the staff are very snotty people.
Well, one day, while i was in there, I think it was the saturday, my mother came to see me. She explained to me that she had taken down my psoters in my room and gotten rid of my CD's. Now, she took away my life; Music was the only thing keeping me sane. So, naturally, I freaked! I yelled at her to get out! She refused. So I ran upstairs to my room, wait, that's an understatement, my "cell" and started to bang my head on the wall. After, a staff member came in, calmed me down, and said if I didn't go back and talk to her, that I wouldn't be getting out the next day. I was furious! So I said i'd call her that night.
So I did and i decided that I couldn't live wit her anymore. So The sunday, I moved in with my father. BAM! Just like that.
So yeah, now, I've relized that my mother "born again christian" ways are out of control and I can't deal with that. That's another story. But yeah, I changed schools, I have new friends and I'm semi-happy again.
I must admit, i've had a few little eppisodes since i've been here, but i'm doing alot better.
April 7th 2002,
These past few weeks have been horrible. I over-dosed again and ended up in the hospital. My bulemia has been attrocious. I've been upset at everything and on top of everything, I'm getting taken off my anti-depressants. At the moment, i'm on 50 mg's. Tomorrow, I'm completely off. I've been on ZOLOFT for about a year and a half now. And i don't remember what it's like without them. I'm scared, I must admit. and usual, it takes alot to scare me, but I am absoloutly Petrified. I'm scared I won't be able to think. I'm scared my grades will slip even more than they have. I'm scared I'll end up back in the hospital. I'm scared I won't be able to live up to expectaions. And I'm scared I'll let everyone down...
April 8th 2002,
I joined my father in a rather interesting trip to the doctors today. It was suposed to be a check up for him, but ended up being a dramatic repose from every day insencertiy. My father, cared that I refure to sleep, and dictated so to the doctor. Apparentlym not sleeping makes you weak. Au contraire, I think it makes you stronger. I'm so afraid to sleep. I refuse to sleep. I'm afraid I won't wake up. Then I'll let everyone down. I need to go to school. But, if I sleep, I won't get that oppurtunity because, I won't wake up. It's like there's something in my head screaming! Yelling at me, "Something is coming, don't let your guard down." So, I obey, as a lonley sheep, I obey. I keep my guard up. I cowar in the darkness of my lowly room. Waiting. Anticipating. I lay there, waiting for "it" to come. The one thing that haunts my mind. Day by day. Without letting me recoil into understanding.
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