jokes

JOKES

A couple was waiting at the bus stop with their 8 kids, and a blind man joins them. The bus arrives, but is nearly full, and only the wife and kids get on, so the husband decides to walk with the blind man. They walk down the street, and the husband gets annoyed by the clicking sound of the walking stick. He says to the blind man, "Cant you put a bit of rubber on the end of your stick?"
The blind man replies, "If you'd have put a bit of rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we would be in the bus and not walking home, so shut the hell up!"

An Englishman, Irishman and Scottishman are attending a conference, and they all have to make a speech. The Irishman walks up to the stage and says, "Watch this!" He steps up, points to his chest, and then to his balls.
He then goes off, and the others ask him what he was doing. He replies, "By pointing at my chest, i was imitating breasts, signalling ladies. Then i pointed at my balls, signalling men. So what i said there was `ladies and gentlemen`" The others thought this was quite clever, and the Scottishman says, "I can do better". He steps up, puts his hands on his head making 2 horns, then points to his chest and balls. He steps off and says, "By doing horns, i was imitating a deer. So what i said was `Dear ladies and Gentlemen". The Englishman thinks, and then walks up to the stage. He makes horns on his head, and then points to his chest and balls. Then he begins to jack off. When he came off, he said, "I was saying` Dear ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure........."

George went on a vacation to the middle east with most of his family, including his mother-in-law. A few days later, his mother-in-law died. George phoned the American embassy and decided to send her back to America for a proper burial. The ambassador told George that sending the body back could cost as much as $5000, and would only cost him $150 to bury her here in Jerusalem. George told him that he would send her back no matter what. The ambassador said, "You must really love your mother".
George replied, "No, its just that I heard about a man who was buried in Jerusalem thousands of years ago, but came back from the dead, I just cant take that chance."

Daniel volunteered for military service in WWII. He signed up to be a pilot, and was so good that he was given a gold wing and sent straight to the Pacific to an aircraft carrier. He took off on his mission, and shot down 6 Japanese fighters, he then flew higher, and shot down another 10. He realised that his fuel was low, so he decided to return to the carrier.
He landed on the carrier, and asked the captain to comment on how he did.
The captain answered, "Ahh Daniel-San, you make one velly impoltant misstake."

In school the kids had to do an assignment of salesmanship.
The time came to give their reports in. Sarah came to the front, and got out �30, "I sold chocolate bars at breaktime."
Then Dave came out to the front, "I made �45 from selling magazines."
Finally little Johnny went to the front, and took out �2756. The teacher asked, "�2756, what on earth were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes." replied Johnny
"Toothbrushes?! How the hell did you sell �2756 worth of toothbrushes?!"
"Easy, I set up a Dip&Chip stand in the busiest corner of town, and gave everyone free samples. They took it, and said` Hey this tastes like shit!` I said it is shit, wanna buy a toothbrush?"

A farmer sells 2 pigs to 2 men, 1 pig each. They gad trouble deciding which pig to take, so one man(Dave) said, "Cut the tail off that one, you have the one with the tail."
The next morning, they come in and find that the tail-less pig has eaten the tail off the other pig. So Dave says, "OK I'll cut the ear off this one, you have the one with the ear."
Nex morning, they find that the ear-less pig has bitten the ear off the other one. Dave says, "OK I'll cut the other ear off the pig, you have the other one."
The next morning, they find that the pig has bitten the ear off the other one."
So Dave says, "OK, i'll take the black one, you take the white one."

One day at a Sunday School, Bob decides to teach Pete a thing or two about wresting. He puts his arm on Pete's arm, and puts another on his neck, "Whats this called Pete?"
"Thats a half nelson."
"Well done, now this....."
Bob takes his hand from Petes neck and binds his other arm. "Whats this Pete?"
"A full nelson"
"Good, one last one....."
Bob puts pressure on Petes neck and forces Pete to bend over, then he rubs Pete's arse with his hips, "Whats this Pete?"
"Thats Father Nelson.........."

A woman sends her laundry to the laundry service to get washed, when she gets the back, she notices stains on her knickers, so she sends a note to the service saying `USE MORE SOAP ON KNICKERS`, the 2nd time she gets them back, she still gets the stains, so she sends the message again. The 3rd time round, she collected her laundry and noticed that the stains were still there, so she sends the note again. Fed up with the notes, the laundry man sends his own note, `USE MORE PAPER ON REAR END`.

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