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JOKES 2 |
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A flat chested woman was delighted to hear from her fairy godmother that her breasts would grow an inch everytime `pardon` was said to her by a man. The next day, she was walking in the street when she bumped into a man, `pardon me` said the man, and her chest grew an inch, she was delighted. The next day, she was in the laundrette when a man accidentally knocked her over, `pardon me` he said, and her chest grew another inch.
The next day, she was in a restaurant when a waiter bumped into her, `a sorry pardons for my clumsiness` said the waiter. She couldnt remember what happened next, until the next day, when she bought the newspaper and read the headlines, `WAITER IS CRUSHED TO DEATH IN RESTAURANT.` |
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A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich. The waited brings him the sandwich, the panda eats the sandwich, then pulls out a gun and shoots the waited dead. He then begins to walk out of the shop, when the manager calls `hey! you cant just walk out, you've not paid for your sandwich, AND you've killed my waited, so the panda replies, `Im a PANDA, look it up!1
So the manager gets a dictionary, and looks up the word `panda`, the defination of a panda was, `a tree dwelling marsupial of asian origin, mainly found in China. Characterised by black and white stripes. EATS SHOOTS AND LEAVES.` |
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A man is diagnosed with a brain tumour, and in fact it is so big that they have to do a brain transplant on him. He was offered a choice of brains, `�10 for an ounce of a rocket scientist's brain, �15 for an ounce of a regular scientist's brain, or �800 for an ounce of a lawyer's brains`. Outraged, the man asks, `Why is the lawyer's brain so expensive??`
The doctor replied, `Are you kidding? Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get out an ounce of brains?` |
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A blonde woman was sick and tired of everyone thinking that she was thick just because of her hair colour, so she went to the hairdressers and got it dyed brown. She then went for a drive in the countryside to test out her brainpower. She stopped by a field, and strode into it to a shepherd. She said to the shepherd, `If i can guess the number of sheep you have, can i have one?`
The shepherd thought that she was never going to get it right, so he accepted the offer, amazingly, she guessed 98 and was correct, so she took a sheep and began to walk back to her car. But the shepherd called out to her, `Hey, if i can guess your natural hair colour, can I have my dog back?` |
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A woman wanted to learn how to fly, so she went to a flying school. As they were all out of planes, the instructor decided to let her fly a helicopter, and would contact her by radio. As she radioed in at 1000 feet, she said, `hey everythings great, its really nice up here.`
At 2000 feet, she radioed agains, with more or less the same message.
Then the instructor began to worry, as she climbed to 3000 and 4000 feet but didnt radio in. Then he watched in horror as the chopper crashed down in the field. Amazingly she survived, and told him, `After 4000 feet it began to get cold, so i turned the big fan off.........` |
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A farmboy is on his way to the market in his horse drawn wagon when it goes over a big rock and tips over. A local man sees him, and says, `Hey son, dont worry, come to my house, get some food, then I'll help you get your wagon back up.`
The boy replied, `No thanks, dad wont be happy.`
`Oh go on, just a little bit to eat.`
`OK, but dad wont be happy.`
They eat, and then the man says, `Come on then, I'll help you with your wagon.`
The boy says, `OK but we better hurry up because dad wont be happy.`
The man asks, `By the way, where is he?`
`Under the wagon...........` |
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One day a little boy walks in on his mother in the shower, and points to her vagina and asks, `What that mommy?`
The mother says, `That's mommy's sponge`.
The next day, he does it again, but his mother had shaved, and he asked, `Wheres your sponge gone mommy?`
`I lost it darling`
The little boy walks out, but comes back in 10 minutes later, `Mommy i found your sponge in the neighbour's garden. Mrs.Jones of nextdoor was washing daddy's face in it.` |
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A man suffered from a stomach ache, and went to his doctor. The doctor told him that he could only cure it by inserting a medication tube up his anal passage. The man agrees, and the doctor proceeds with the medication.
After it was done, the doctor gave him a tube of the medication, and told him to do it again in six hours.
So in 6 hours time, he got the medication, and tried to insert it, but couldnt reach, so he got his wife to do it. She inserted the tube, and the man yelled `DAMN!!`
`What? Did I hurt you?` asked the wife
The man replies, `No, but i just realised that when the doctor was inserting the tube, he had both hands on my shoulders.` |
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