[GREEN EGGS & SPAM]

PART 1

Karen awoke with a start, darting up out of bed as though it were on fire. A sheen of cold sweat ran down her skin. Her breathing was labored and there were tears welling up in her eyes. That same terrible nightmare which had plagued her time and time again had returned to haunt her one peaceful sleep. It was a dream too terrifying to think about...

She glanced absent-mindedly at the butterfly-shaped clock that was tick-tocking away on the opposite wall. 3 a.m. In another hour, Stacie would be waking up to prepare the large breakfast she made every morning, to feed the entire household.

'That girl works too hard,' Karen thought to herself. And then an idea struck her. Today was July 24th: "National Help-Out-the-Person-Who-Works-Too-Hard Day!" Karen, being the good-natured and kind-hearted girl that she was, passionately upheld the traditions and values of such useless holidays, for nothing but the sake of good citizenship, world peace, and commercial advertising.

Perhaps she could do Stacie a favor, while still boosting her own self-esteem and earning the respect and adoration of her peers for her noble deeds, which would undoubtedly drive Chelsea bonkers, leading to further pain and torment on Shiro's behalf. Everyone would be happy!

Karen quietly tip-toed down the hallway, forgetting her horrible nightmare and ignoring the creepy clown peeking out of the closet, and prepared to set her masterful breakfast plan into action....

**********
Stacie both was surprised and delighted when she sniffed the scent of fresh food that was permeating through the house. At least, she thought it was food. Rika could have had another experiment with her cat-litter box again. Regardless, Stacie hopped out of bed and pulled her white robe and fuzzy slippers on, and proceeded downstairs to the kitchen.

Her feeling of surprise increased tenfold when she saw Karen in the kitchen, sporting an over-sized chef's hat, buried up to her elbows in a pot of what seemed to be octopus. There were pots and pans strewn abut the kitchen, along every other cooking utensil known to mankind, and various exotic foods laid out on the table. Karen quickly looked up from her pot of still-kicking octopus and gave Stacie a warm smile.

"Good morning! Did you sleep well?" she asked. A tentacle shot out of the pot and stuck to her face. The octopi in the pot seemed to be putting up quite a struggle.

"Karen...um..what are you doing?" Stacie asked, rather dumbfounded to see Karen awake before noon.

Karen continued to fight with the small army of mollusks that were fighting for there lives. After a few more minutes of struggling, and a bit of coaxing from a rather large butcher knife, the octopussies accepted their fate and were slowly boiled to death in the pot bubbling stew. And they all lived happily ever after! The end!

Just kidding...

"Wow, Karen. You sure went through a lot of trouble. You didn't have to---oh dear! Is that a turtle?"

"Is that a turtle?" Yuki asked. She picked the squirming reptile up, looked it over for a bit, and after deciding it didn't look good to eat, promptly threw it out the window.

"Heeeeeyyyy," Karen squealed, obviously frustrated, "I spent all morning trying to catch that turtle!" Yuki gave her an incredulous look, wondering how on earth it would take anyone under the age of 90 more than two minutes to catch an animal that moved at rate of about three feet per hour.

"Karen was nice enough to make breakfast for us all this morning," Stacie explained as she stepped over Tsurugi's lifeless body to examine a peculiar jello mold on the counter. She jumped back and squealed when it barked at her.

"So, um, Karen, what do you call this dish?" she asked, pointing in the direction of an almost-edible-looking bowl of rice.

"Thats my Super-Secret-Special-Recipe-Homemade-Rice-Pudding-Curry, a-la-mode!" Karen declared proudly. Yuki's eyebrow shot up to her hairline. Who serves curry with ice cream? At this point, Rika and Chelsea entered the kitchen, paying no attention what-so-ever to Tsurugi's unconscious body in the middle of the floor, or Karen or the mess that surrounded them. They were far too busy arguing over whose fish-net stocking were the sluttiest. They weaved around Yuki and Stacie, sat down at the kitchen table, and continued to bicker amongst themselves.

"Anyway, Karen, can I try this one?" Stacie asked, taking a spoonful of the ridiculously-named curry. The spoon melted...

"Um...maybe this one instead..." She moved over to a plate of what looked to be eggs, and quickly placed the tiniest forkful in her mouth, and before Yuki had a chance to scream "NO!", she turned blue and hit the table.

"Stacie!" Yuki yelled at her now-unconscious cousin, "How many times have I told you, you must never, ever eat Karen's cooking!" At this, the red-head leapt up, abandoned her octopus (which was still alive) and got right up in Yuki's face.

"Excuse me," she said with more than a little bite in her voice, "Just what is that suppose to mean?"

"I means that last time you made toast, Alfredo was in a coma for a week!" Yuki yelled dback. Karen quickly backed down. "Hell, he STILL can't walk straight."

As if on cue, Alfredo stumbled into the room. The blond boy looked around for a moment, drooled, and slumped to where Stacie was still laying on the counter. He looked at her quizzically, then turned on his heel and went to sit at the table by Rika and Chelsea, who had moved on the fighting over whose eye-liner was the blackest.

"Karen," Yuki asked calmly, "Just what in the name of God possessed you to wake up in the middle of the night and destroy our kitchen anyway?" Karen looked around nervously.

"I...I had the...mango dream again."

Yuki smacked her forehead, muttered some incoherent swear-word and asked the higher powers why she was cursed with such incompetent housemates.

"You don�t understand," Karen began frantically, "they were after me! Roaring and hissing and snapping at me with their terrible, foamy jaws of death! And the fangs! Oh, the fangs!!"

"Mangos do not have fangs!" Yuki retorted, slamming her fist on the counter, "They're produce!"

"Yes!" Karen exclaimed, waving her hands in the air, "They produce evil! And spread it throughout the world, like a plague!!"

At this point, Yuki had given up on having a sensible conversation with her deranged friend, and left Karen to rant on and on about the evils of the "Tropical Fruit of Doom." She rounded the corner and proceeded down the hallway to the den. She flopped down on the couch, ignoring her grumbling stomach. She found a small inkling of comfort when her favorite cartoon appeared on the TV screen, and smiled to herself as the animated tomatoes and broccoli chased each other around a meat-processing factory. Her peace was short-lived, however, as another set of tomatoes and broccoli (meaning Rika and Chelsea) barged into the room.

"We're hungry," Rika bellowed.

"Excuse me," Chelsea chimed in, "I believe I was the hungry one. I don�t think you really need to be hungry at all, Rika. Your self is spilling out of your shirt." Rika looked down at her bosom, which was about to burst from her three-sizes-too-small tube-top. She quickly re-adjusted herself and returned to glaring menacingly at Chelsea.

"Well, if you MUST know," the red head began, "I just happen to not be hungry at all. By we, I of course meant you, considering you can eat enough to sustain the both of us."

"Yeah...well.." Chelsea struggled to come up with a come-back. "FATTY-LEGS!"

Rika's face turned as red as her hair.

"Alright," she roared, "That is IT! THIS MEANS WAR!!"

She and her blonde adversary gave each other death-looks, before stomping in opposite direction out of the room, having declared war on each other for the third tie this morning. Yuki sighed, yawned, and returned her attention to the TV. Her peace was again interrupted by a terrible shriek from upstairs. Rolling her eyes and cussing at the world, Yuki got up and hurried to the second-floor bathroom, where the horrible wailing had come from.

Karen, Shiro, and Alfredo were already standing in the doorway, peering cautiously inside.

"What's going on?' Yuki asked. She squeezed between her friends in to the bathroom. There she found Chlsea, standing on the toilet with a look of shear terror and disgust on her face.

"I..I was just emptying my bedpan into Shiro's mouthwash, like I always do, and when I looked in the sink, I saw THAT!!" The frantic blonde pointed a shaking finger at the sink, where a large, green, slimy egg was currently lodged in the drain.

"Ewwww..." Karen grimaced. Shiro was still staring dumbfounded at Chelsea, having discovered the reason his mouthwash tasted so funky. Alfredo cautiously moved up to the egg in the sink, sniffed it, then scurried back, like some sort of retarded crab.

"Who..or rather, what would lay an egg in our sink?" Karen asked, "That's just gross!"

"Yeah," Yuki agreed, "I brush my teeth in that sink."

"I pee in that sink," Chelsea said. She turned to Yuki, "We must get to the bottom of this matter! No one defiles the communal wash-room but me!"

**********
Chelsea officially called an official meeting of officialness in the living room. All the housemates were present, except for Tsurugi, who was still passed out on the kitchen floor, Stacie, who was passed out on the kitchen counter, and Tai, who was passed out in the back yard, where Shiro had buried him last week.

Yuki sat bored and hungry in her big comfy chair, while Karen, Shiro and the octopus took the couch. Rika preferred to sit on the television set. Chelsea stood at the front of the room, sporting a business suit and a poking-stick, which she had named "Sylvester." She was pointing out various crudely-drawn stick figures on a large green chalkboard.

"Now, the perpetrator is obviously not me, as even I'm not narcissistic enough to shriek at the sight of my own baby..." She paused to stroke 'Sylvester' and make kissy-faces at it. She then pointed it as Yuki.

"It also can't be Yuki, as I am now entirely convinced that Yuki is in fact a man in disguise, and therefore unable to produce eggs..." Yuki gave her the finger.

"And I doubt it was Shiro, for, though despite his wearing-out by multiple encounters with the Tiki-Men, I don�t believe anything that big could come out of even his rear-end..." At this, Shiro muttered something and stared down at his feet.

"It can't possibly be Karen, as she is my faithful and loyal slave...er, sidekick, and I will need her later to blame future misdoings of my own on her, but not at this time...." Karen would have smiled, but was too busy chasing the octopus around the living room with a hammer.

"Which leaves none other than my arch-nemesis and all-together nasty dummy-face, RIKA KURO!!" Everyone in the room (except Yuki) gasped. "Rika," Karen exclaimed, "It can't be...!"

"It's not!!" Yuki cried, smacking Shiro in the back of the head.

"Why did you hit me?!" Shiro whimpered, "She was the one being stupid!" Yuki smacked him again. The blue-haired teen stood up, snatched 'Sylvester' from Chelsea and threw him/it out of the room. She picked up the octopus and dumped it in the aquarium near the window, and pushed Rika off the TV.

"Now listen up everybody," her voce boomed, scaring everyone else into attention, "It's 6 a.m., I"m tired, I'm hungry, and I'm PMS-ing. You all need to stop being stupid for once in your lives and attempt to use at least one brain cell in your heads. Now THINK! Who, in this entire house, is even capable of layin anything even remotely resembling an egg?!"

The group all thought for a moment, each furrowing their brow and thinking as hard as possible. Suddenly, it clicked, and everyone looked up, and said in unison:

"Fee-Fee."

**********
+On to Part 2+