Chelsea spent the rest of lunch performing random acts of kindness for any unfortunate student caught in her path. She even managed to find clothes for the kendo team (much to Rika’s dismay) and taught the math club kung fu, so that they might defend themselves from bullies. She then baked the bullies cookies, and persuaded them to stop bullying the math club and “follow the righteous path of goody-goody-goodness.” She also weeded out the entire garden, read stories to the younger students, gave a speech on “The Loveliness of Loving Love” to the jocks, scrubbed the walls of all obscene graffiti, and replaced it with a giant mural that said “LET THE LOVE IN” and still had time to give all the girls within a twenty foot radius manicures. And all of this before lunch was over.
Rika was pissed. She was so mad, in fact, that she didn’t even adore Tai for the rest of the day (even though he was very much dead and being made into soup) and instead pushed Alfredo’s body around in a shopping cart. She also didn’t say a word to Benito the plant, who was feeling very sad about being abandoned. Rika didn’t talk much to anyone that day.
Yuki found it hilarious. Karen was extremely worried about her friend’s new take on life, but her head was far too swollen to show any real emotion. In fact, she had to carry her head around the building in a wheelbarrow just to keep from falling over. Stacie forgot that Chelsea was a nun, and introduced herself to her every ten minutes or so, thinking she was a new student. Tai and Alfredo were still dead, and the latter remained in the shopping cart for the rest of the school day. Tsurugi, after changing out of his nasty pee-filled pants, remained thoroughly uninterested, and avoided Chelsea like the plague out of fear of “holy cleansing.” After all, Tsurugi was a very naughty little boy.
“Why hello there! I’m Stacie. It’s so nice to meet you,” Stacie said to Chelsea for the forty-seventh time that period. The blond merely sighed and said a prayer for Stacie’s soul, lest she be caught up by the sinfulness of her own stupidity.
Yuki snickered evilly as she closed her locker. She had just finished laying her weekly Monday prank. This week, she had coated the inner walls of Shiro’s locker with mayonnaise and onions. By tomorrow, the entire school would stink so bad that they’d have to cancel it. The bell rang, and the devious blue-haired girl hurried after her friends to class, cackling evilly the whole way.
It was now the last period of the day; Computers. Yuki, Tsurugi, Chelsea, and Stacie were in the classroom, seated at their stations, pretending to work diligently. Karen had been rushed to the nurse’s office a few minutes earlier; her head had swollen up so big that she got caught in the doorway to the girls’ restroom and nearly died from overexposure to the fumes. Rika skipped class to go outside and burn things out of frustration (she had just reached the petting zoo that the Biology class built last week).
Yuki took out a permanent marker and began absent-mindedly doodling on Alfredo’s stupid dead face, glancing every now and then at Tusurgi, who was looking up porn on the internet.
“So, Yusuke, any idea what you’re gonna write about for that assignment?”
“Uhh…” was Tsurugi’s reply. “What assignment was that again?”
Yuki smirked evilly. She took this as another glorious opportunity to use Tsurugi’s stupidity against him.
“Oh yes,” she began slyly, “Mai Dam Weasel assigned us this huuuuuge writing assignment. We have to write a book. Two-hundred pages. Size 2 font. Twelve-thousand word minimum. About the meaning of life. Due tomorrow.”
Tsurugi began beating his head off the computer screen, prompting a moan from the woman in the porn video every time his face came in contact with the monitor.
“You’ve (moan) got to (moan) be kidding (moan) me! (oh yes!)”
“Nope,” Yuki replied nonchalantly, “Better get cracking. Weasel said whoever fails gets sent to The Room for a week.”
“DUN DUN DUN!” Rika bellowed from outside the window at the mention of “The Room.”
Tsurugi squealed. The last time he got sent to The Room (DUN DUN DUN), he couldn’t sleep by himself for two weeks, and even then, only with a bottle of maple syrup in the room.
“Not The Room…” he whined.
“DUN DUN DUN!!” Rika yelled again, this time from beneath the table.
“Oh man,” Tsurugi squeaked, “What am I gonna do? There’s no way I can write all that in one night. Dammit, and we’re all out of maple syrup! What am I gonna use to defend myself if…they…return.”
His face became very pale, and he threw up on the kid sitting next to him.
“DUN DUN DUN!!!” Rika cried, hanging upside down from the ceiling, pointing dramatically at the student covered in Tsurugi’s lunch.
“Hello. It’s so nice to meet you,” Stacie said to Chelsea, yet again, “My name is Stacie. What‘s yours?”
“For the 53rd time, I am Sister Chelsea,” the blond replied, forcing a smile. She had the misfortune of sitting right beside Stacie this period.
“Omigosh,” Stacie gasped, “I have a sister?!”
“Er…sure. Why not? And actually, I do believe we’ve already met…like, thirty seconds ago,” Sister Chelsea replied.
“Well, I hope that if we’re sisters, we’d have met by now,” Stacie said, “Say, I know a girl named Chelsea! She’s kind of a bitch though…”
“Yes, Stacie,” Yuki piped in, “What a great way to befriend the nun; call her a bitch.”
“Why, Yuki, that’s a horrible thing to say to a nun!” Stacie scolded, not realizing that Yuki was being sarcastic. She turned to Sister Chelsea and whispered: “You’ll have to excuse my cousin. She’s kind of a bitch too. Oh, but please don’t tell her I said that! She really is nice deep down inside…really deep…I think…maybe…ok, probably not.”
Yuki glared at her.
“I’m right here, Stacie,” she growled.
“Oh! Hi Yuki!” Stacie said cheerfully. “Say, did you meet my new friend Chelsea? She’s a nun, you know.”
Yuki was very much prepared to punch Stacie in the back of the head.
“By the way, did you know I have a sister?!”
Just then, the bell rang, ending the world’s shortest class ever, and Yuki was run over by a stampede of overjoyed students, just as her fist was about to connect with Stacie’s skull. After the dust settled, the blue-haired girl lie twitching in the doorway.
“Yuki, you really shouldn’t lay on the floor like that,” Stacie said sweetly as she walked by, “There could be all kinds of germs on that tile. You have no idea where that floor has been.”
**********
“Well Puu, it’s official,” Yukei said, looking up from her map, “I have no clue where the fuck we’re going.”
She quickly panned her surroundings, taking note of the sand and cactuses.
“Wait…cactuses? That can’t be right. This convention is in Norway!” She collapsed on the side of the road with a loud sigh.
“We’re lost, Puu,” she said solemnly. Puu climbed out of the backpack he had been riding in and hopped up onto Yukei’s shoulder.
“Puu puu” he said, trying to comfort her.
The two had been walking along the side of the road for the better part of three hours, after being kicked out of three diners and accidentally blowing up two more. Yukei was still wearing Shiro’s pervy corset. Now, they were stuck in the middle of the desert. Well, they were stuck on the side of a road in the middle of the desert. Well, they weren’t so much stuck as--oh, you get the idea.
“Well, I suppose it’s not TOO too bad,” Yukei said hopefully, “We’ve got the sun, the sky, the dust, the…animal skulls. I guess we could always do some sight-seeing, since we’re stranded and all. There’s a really nice collection of tumbleweeds over there.”
That’s when they saw the light. It came from the sky, shining on a cactus near a pair of mating coyotes. Curious, Yukei and Puu decided to investigate the strange stream of pink light. Halfway there, however, Puu began to shiver and whine in fear.
“Puuuu,” he whimpered. Yukei quickly tried to look up what he said in the handbook.
“What? You say you smell aliens?!”
But by the time the words had left her mouth, it was too late…
**********
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