[3:]

Karen’s head continued to sweel and was about the size of a basketball now, and very similar in color. Strangely, no one had noticed.

For the past several minutes, the class had been listening to Mai Dam Weasel describe her “shiny new nickel.” Soon after, the nice men in white coats arrived to take her away. She bid the class a cheery farewell and was gone. Everyone in the room sighed with relief as soon as the door closed behind her.

“Thank God,” Yuki said, “Two more minutes of that, and I’d have to start shooting spitballs at myself to keep from going insane.” “Thee ith a bit…stwange,” Karen said. Her words were further muffled by her swollen lips and enormous cheeks.

Running out of things to say, the class fell into an uncomfortable silence. A few long, monotonous minutes passed before Chelsea spoke up.

“I’m going to become a nun!” she declared very suddenly.

Again, silence. Then, everyone burst into hysterical laughter all at once.

“Oh, Chelsea, you’re too much!” Stacie said between giggles. She of course thought Chelsea was joking.

“That *laugh* has to be the *laugh* stupidest *laugh* funniest thing I’ve ever heard!” Yuki cried, holding her stomach from laughing so hard.

“Oh, you don’t think I can do it?” Chelsea said defensively.

“Chelthae,” Karen began, “You haff thoo undewsthdand iff we donth beweef you. Why aw you thaying thith anyway?”

Chelsea stood up and walked to the front of the classroom. Standing straight as a board behind the podium, she addressed her friends, who were still laughing at her.

“This morning, when I was viciously attacked, I had one of those moments where your life flashes before your eyes. I saw…breasts. Incredible breasts! As far as the eye can see!! Oh, the curvature! It was beautiful…” She trailed off, taking a moment to dab the tears from her cheeks. She closed her eyes, and lifted her head proudly.

“And then,” she continued, “I realized something. My life has been a waste! All these years, I’ve done nothing but compete with Rika and torment all of you. I have come to the conclusion that life is far to short to waste on breasts. I must go out into the world, and help to make it a better place. No longer shall I sit idly by as drunken hobos starve in the streets, as wives cheat on their husbands, as poor defenseless ants are crushed by rotten little children! No, I Chelsea Beotchawa, shall take a new lease on life! I shall--”

She opened her eyes to find that the room was empty. The bell hand rung during her speech, and since no body was really paying attention to her anyway, they all left.

**********

Yukei was at that time digging through a junk heap in the back corners of Shiro underground laboratory. She had found a sticky note addressed to Yuki on the door, stating that most of his weapons were being leased out to a small army of illiterate naked rebels in Venezuela and to “stay the fuck out of my stash.”

So far, the only things Yukei had found in the stash were some porno mags, a few broken shards of metal, a toaster, an inflatable woman, and the access codes for the government’s missile defense system. None of it was suitable for slaying an evil washing machine.

“Dammit,” she grumbled to herself, “Shiro must have hidden the good stuff in his underwear drawer again. And I am NOT going in there…not after what happened last time…”

Puu began picking his nose with a screwdriver he had found on the floor, enjoying the way it made his brain tingle.

“Puu, now is not the time,“ Yukei said calmly, “Karen told me not to let you shove metal objects up you or anyone else’s nose until after lunch time.”

“Puu, puu puupuupuu, puu puu,” was Puu’s reply.

Using the Puu’s Friendly User Handbook, Yukei managed to translate what Puu was saying into “It’s lunchtime in China, so there.”

“Now, don’t get lippy with me, mister,” she chided ,waving her finger at him shamefully, “If you don’t wont to be grounded from the dog park, you’ll be good and do as your told. Now, I know you don‘t like me, and I don‘t much care for your definition of personal hygiene either, but we‘re going to have to work together to get through this.”

Puu promptly pelted a fireball at her, causing her clothes to burn up and disintegrate. A now very naked, very pissed Yukei growled an Puu in frustration.

“That’s it! One more outburst from you, mister, and I’ll feed you to the Evil Washing Machine of Doom myself!”

As if on cue, the Evil Washing Machine of Doom appeared behind her. It let out a ferocious roar and sprayed Yukei’s naked self with soap bubbles. The angry girl glared at the wicked appliance through sopping wet hair.

“You son of a bitch,” she growled, “My hair must never, EVER be touched by cheap generic laundry-cleaning products! ”

Yukei let out an angry screech and produced a stick of dynamite from God-knows-where, which she hurled it at the Evil Washing Machine of Doom. The dynamite exploded with a loud KERPOW, because that’s the sound that dynamite makes in real life. It succeeded in breaking the dials off the top of the washing machine, leveling half of Shiro’s lab, and burning up most of his porn.

The Evil Washing Machine of Doom was a bit miffed at having its dials blown off. It whipped out a giant wooden mallet and swung it madly at Yukei, who as previously mentioned, was wet and naked. The girl produced a giant mallet of her own, and the two began to duke it out JedI-style as Puu watched from the sidelines, all the while chewing on the neighbor’s cat, which was still mostly alive.

The Evil Washing Machine of Doom cheated and lit its giant mallet on fire, chucking it at Yukei’s head. Luckily, it missed, but the Evil Washing Machine of Doom managed to eat Yukei’s mallet while she was distracted, leaving both of them unarmed.

So they did what any other sensible fighters would do: arm wrestle.

Yukei was soon outmatched however, and she called desperately to Puu for help, who was still chewing on the neighbors cat, which happened to be pink by the way, just so you know.

“Puu!” Yukei yelled, “Get your mouth off of that pussy and get me some clothes, dammit! A lady can’t properly arm wrestle a washing machine in the nude!”

Puu looked at her thoughtfully for a moment, before spitting out the cat, which turned out to be a chicken in disguise. However, had we known that, the previous line would have sounded a bit inappropriate.

Instead of listening to Yukei, both for the fact that he didn’t like her and because he enjoyed having naked women around, Puu ignored her order and hurried into the fray. He jumped on the Evil Washing Machine of Doom, taking it by surprise. The brave little green monster was prepared to do what he did best in any fight: hump washing machines.

And that’s just what Puu did.

**********