Lunch was everyone’s favorite part of the school day. The gang, minus Chelsea, was gathered in their usual spot beneath the tall oak tree in the courtyard behind the school. Tsurugi was stretched out on one of the lower branches of the tree, taking his third catnap that day, as the girls (Yuki, Karen, and Stacie) sat themselves in a circle at the base. Rika was scuttling from one end of the courtyard to the other, collecting the debts that various students owed her. Those who couldn’t pay with money paid with their clothes, and Rika found joy in disrobing the entire kendo team and half the chess club. Tai was following her around, holding (and occasionally breastfeeding) Benito the plant. Alfredo was sniffing a caterpillar he found on the branch near his head. He decided it didn’t look good to eat, and instead began chewing on the shiny piece of gum he discovered under his desk this morning. Again, Chelsea was no where to be found.
Stacie handed out their lunches, which she made that morning. They were each given a soda and a box of yakisoba, topped with a little cherry tomato with a smiley face drawn on it. Tsurugi finished his in about 3.7 seconds before climbing back up the tree. Alfredo was trying to slurp his noodles up through his nose. Stacie busied herself trying to feed Karen her food, but gave up and instead fed her sauce through an I.V. in her arm.
“Wow, Sthacie,” Karen tried to say, “Thith ith weawy good.”
“Hey Karen,” Yuki chided, “Say this three times fast: ‘I saw a purple turtle in the rural neighborhood.’”
Being more than a little dimwitted, Karen complied.
“I thaw a poipew toidew in thhh--Hey! You guyth aw mean!” she yelled.
Yuki bellowed with laughter and fell backwards. Karen threw a tomato at her. It was then that Yuki noticed, upside down, a pretty young woman entering the courtyard. She wore a very plain white dress with a high color. Her obviously bleached blond hair was pulled into a tight bun. Yuki watched curiously as the girl approached a sad little boy who had just spilled his lunch all over his girlfriend’s head and gotten beat up.
“Here,” she said sweetly to the boy, handing him a familiar boxed lunch, “You can have mine, oh unfortunate soul.”
Yuki jumped up when she heard the voice.
“W-T-MOTHER-FUCKING-F!! Is that Chelsea?!“ she cried in disbelief.
“Oh, Yuki, don’t be silly,” Stacie giggled between sips of her soda, “Why would Chelsea come to lunch with her legs covered?”
Stacie was quickly proven wrong when the young girl hurried up to them excitedly.
“Good afternoon, my lovely friends!” the blond proclaimed cheerfully. Her voice was definitely Chelsea’s. “Is it not the most beautiful of days? Oh my, how adorable you all look seated together so. Might I join you?”
The group stared at her in disbelief. Stacie spit soda all over Alfredo, who was now choking to death on his tomato. Yuki’s face went white. Tsurugi peed himself out of fear, then promptly fell asleep again. Karen looked on in bewildered wonder.
“Wow Chelthea,” she said, “Thath’s a weawy good dithguise. Where’d you gid ith?”
“Oh, Karen, you’re so darling,” the freakishly nice Chelsea Nun replied, “My, whatever happened to your face? Are you alright?”
Karen’s mouth dropped open. Well, as far as it could open, anyway. It was very much unlike Chelsea to show concern for one of her slaves. The group sat this way for about ten minutes, all of them staring at Chelsea as though she were dressed as a nun. Wait…she was dressed as nun. OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111one
Rika and Tai returned shortly after. Rika was cuddling Benito the plant, who was now nothing more than a mere stick with a rotten cherry attached to it. Tai was lugging an enormous bag of money and clothing.
“Hey guys,” Rika began, “Guess what Benito jus--HOLY SHIT, WHAT IS THAT?!!”
“That…uh…that would be Chelsea,” Yuki answered, still trying to recover from the near-fatal heart-attack she almost kinda just had, sort of.
“Nuh-uh!” was Rika’s articulate reply. “Why the hell would Chelsea bother coming to lunch with her legs covered? That’s crazy talk! Who is this foolish imposter who dares eat lunch in the presence of my slaves?!”
Chelsea answered her, “Why, good afternoon, Rika. Your hair looks very cute today! That beehive compliments the countless other curves of your body very well.”
Overcome with the sheer impossibility of the woman before him, Tai peed himself.
“What is it with all the pee in this story?” Yuki said to no one in particular.
“Maybe we‘re all just comfortable enough around one another that it doesn‘t matter,” Stacie replied calmly, as though it were the most obvious answer in the world.
Alfredo died from the tomato lodged in his throat was as currently being nibbled on by squirrels. Karen was also being chewed on by squirrels, who had mistaken her head for a large, skinless watermelon. Because Karen is allergic to squirrels, by the end of this chapter, she will have swollen to about the size of a large hippopotamus.
“GASP!” Rika cried, pointing a very devastated finger at Chelsea the Nun. “It cannot BE!!”
She fell to her knees. “OH THE HORROR! OH THE INSANITY!! OH, THE CAPS LOCK!! Such a dreadful, horrible plot-twist!”
“Jeez, Rika, cut it out,” Yuki said, very much annoyed at her sister’s outburst, “I know it’s a little freaky but come on, you’re dragging this scene out way beyond its entertainment value.”
Rika ignored her. “OH THE AGONY! THE IRONY!! Damn you, holy woman, DAMN YOU I SAY!!”
While Rika continued to point at Chelsea as though she were on fire, Karen and Stacie began poking Alfredo’s lifeless body with sticks and stirred up an unnecessary side conversation.
“Oh my,” Stacie said, examining Karen’s swollen head, “I had no idea you were allergic to make-up.”
“Oh yeth,” Karen answered, “I’m allergic to lots of things; peanuts, dust, avocadoes, and corn, but not creamed corn. Oh, and squirrels. I’m very much allergic to squirrels.”
“OH THE PAIN! THE PAAAAAAAAIIIIN!!” Rika bellowed in the background.
“I’m also allergic to country music. And weasels and pine nuts and pine trees and pineapples and anything made in the 1970’s…”
“OH YOUR HAIR! IT’S SO NEAT!! AND YOUR CLEAVAGE…IT’S ALL…CONCEILED!!”
“…porcupines, Spanish verbs, rectangles, orangutans, the Internet, other people’s boogers…”
“IT’S MADNESS! MADNESS I TELL YOU!!”
“…the Theory of Relativity, stale biscuits, Chinese food, raccoon droppings, the number 23...”
“WHY?! WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS?!! I’M AN ANGEL!!”
“…cashews, Canadians, clouds, communism, clams, crickets, air, and the color purple. And I know because I‘ve tested all of these things out.”
“Wow,” Stacie replied, “Not only is it amazing that you miraculously managed to talk even though your head is bigger than Shiro’s Aunt Maggie, but you’re allergic to 473 things in this courtyard alone. I suppose that is slightly above average…”
Rika had finally shut up after running out of breath. That, and Yuki stuffed a squirrel down her throat in yet another failed attempt to kill her. Chelsea knelt down next to Rika and put a comforting arm around the boisterous red-head, causing her to shriek, which caused the squirrel lodged in her throat to shoot from her mouth like a missile, which caused it to ricochet off the oak tree, causing it to bounce back and impale Tai in the head with its buck teeth, causing him to die.
“There, there, Rika,” Chelsea said calmly, “Although I have absolutely no idea why you are having a complete spaz attack in the middle of lunch, rest assured that I, your friend, am here for you.”
Rika fainted. Yuki took the opportunity to run off with her sister’s enormous bag of money and stolen clothing, after dumping Tai’s body in the cafeteria recycling bin, where he would later end up in tomorrow‘s soup. Benito the plant peed himself.
And somehow, Tsurugi managed to sleep through it all.
**********
Puu was still humping the corner of the Evil Washing Machine of Doom while Yukei’s naked self continued to arm-wrestle the ironically armless appliance. The Evil Washing Machine of Doom was winning on both fronts.
“Puu, I don’t think I can last much longer,” Yukei said weakly as her hand was pushed ever closer to the ground.
“Puuuuuu,” Puu whined. He was becoming sore and weak, which meant he was getting sleepy, which made him hungry, cranky, and horny, which made him fight harder against the Evil Washing Machine of Doom, which made him feel sore and weak, which meant he was getting sleepy, and thus the vicious cycle continued.
Suddenly, and idea struck him. The Evil Washing Machine of Doom was temporarily blinded by the light bulb that appeared above Puu’s head, even though Evil Washing Machines of Doom don’t have eyes and they can’t really see. Using this paradox as a distraction, Puu hurriedly ran to Shiro’s ridiculously huge computer and began slamming away at the keyboard. He flipped though about six dozen porn pop-ups before coming to what he was looking for.
“Puu, now really isn’t the time,” Yukei said in a very strained voice. Every second that passed, the Evil Washing Machine of Doom grew inches closer to victory in the Great Arm-Wrestling Match of Doom, as it shall now be called.
Puu continued to type away like there was no tomorrow. Typing is hard without thumbs, you know. After a few moments however, he finished, and jumped up and down in glorious victory.
Just then, Yukei lost the Great Arm-Wrestling Match of Doom. The Evil Washing Machine of Doom loomed over her menacingly, prepared to claim his prize. She looked up at the monstrous appliance weakly, noting that her final moments were spent in Shiro’s lab, naked, covered in dirt and soap bubbles. Just the way Shiro would have wanted.
The Evil Washing Machine of Doom leapt forward, prepared to swallow Yukei up in a second, when it was interrupted by a high-pitched squeak. It turned around as an acorn was pelted at its head…er…metal thingy.
There, on the ground before him, were Puu’s sex slaves/friends: an Octopus, George the Turtle, the neighbor’s chicken, and Karen’s arch-nemeses, the Squirrel Brothers.
“PUU!” Puu cried, which was meant to be taken as a battle-cry of sorts. The adorable animal army lunged at the Evil Washing Machine of Doom, each of them attacking at once. George the Turtle attacked it using the side of his face; the Octopus shot a stream of gooey ink; the Chicken began meowing and scratching at it, still thinking that it was a cat; the Squirrel brothers began throwing balloons filled with their infamous “tea.” Puu of course, lent his hand, in the form of adorable yet gross little piles of pink doo-doo. The terrible battle reduced much of the house to rubble.
Within a matter of minutes, the Evil Washing Machine of Doom was but a Pile of Evil Scrap Metal of Doom. Puu’s friends had emerged victorious. After the fierce battle, Puu thanked all of his friends, rewarding each of them with an article from what was left of Shiro’s stash of naughty magazines. With that, the troop of little animals parted ways.
Yukei emerged from the wreckage of the house, now wearing a conveniently-placed leather corset that she found under Shiro‘s computer desk.
“Wow, Puu, that was amazing,” she said, “I didn’t know squirrels knew how to use e-mail. Thanks so much for your help.”
Puu smiled up at her and nodded.
“Well, I guess this means you and I have a bit of cleaning up to do, huh?”
Puu smiled again and shook his head. He produced form his fur a folded up piece of paper and handed it to Yukei. She unfolded it and read it to herself quickly. It was an advertisement for a very special event.
“The International Convention of Yellow Liquids? So that’s what all the fuss was about the lemonade! I suppose that explains all the urine too…”
She glanced down to notice that Puu was staring up at her hopefully.
“So, you want to go to this thing that bad?”
Puu nodded excitedly.
“Alright then. We’ll go. I suppose there’s nothing to do here anyway, seeing as the house is all destroyed at what not. But we’re bringing lemonade, you hear me? I’ve had enough of your bladder contents for one day. It’s bad enough that all I have left to wear is this damn corset of Shiro’s. Ugh, it even smells like him. I wonder who wore it last…”