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| Ok, I know some of you may be totally offended by this, but to tell you the truth...I dun really give a shit. It makes me laugh, so I put it on here. I actually wrote this when I was in my 'boredededed' period, which was when I finished school, and during the Christmas holidays. Well anyways..... |
| This is a guide to all the types of chicks that I have encountered during my days as a roaming bachelor. I am still a 'bachelor' but not so much now because of stuff....for later. But meh. Some of the graphic portrayals of the said ladies were done by yours truly, and Marcusismness. He would have done more if it weren't his slackness, obviously. Anyways...onto the chickas... There are many different kinds of chicks, some may be interconnected with others, and some aren't...weird that. They aren't in any particular order of ferocity, so meh. |
| Suicidal: Ok, seriously, these chicks have some issues. And when I say issues I mean freaking psycho murder suicide issues. You never know a chick is a Suicidal until the last minute. She is fairly good looking, acts normal, flirts with ya and hey presto your going out. Then the emotional baggage talk. She goes on and on about her life. And you have a feeling that you should have told her to suck your balls and then leave. Well dude, your in hot water if you are going out with one now. Coz she keeps telling ya that without you she has no purpose in life. The only way to deal with this type of chick is to tell her you have some form of genital disease. That is after you have sex. Then say that this other guy likes her. Then run. |
| Slut: You sir, have hit the sexual jackpot. But only if you feel that you like a chop chop that has been dooshed a fair bit. Coz this chick has been around the block like a zillion times. Sure the sex is good, but seriously do you trust her that much? She is hot as, usually a ditzy blond, with nice tits and ass, and sucks ur dick like everytime you go out with her. But sure, tell yourself that she loves you. Because she doesn't, no sir, she thinks ur a total wanker. Which you are. But she won't mind if you tell her where to go, because she doesn't give a shit what you say. She'll then tell her friends that you are gay. Sorry dude, you could spot her sluttiness a mile away, but still the tell tale signs of you getting a bad reputation afterwards was not enough to sway you from the complete hole of shit. Oh and these chicks love to be showered with gifts or no punani for you. |
| Slut
Wannabe: These chicks are like envious of chicks that can turn a guy into goo but can't themselves. These chicks either are ugly, fat, completely ignorant, or just chicks that can't get none. They try to get guys with shit pick-up lines (worse than we can do) and then end up completely embarressing themselves and the victim. They have money, but are too stingy to spend it one you, and if you are stuck with this type of chick for a girlfriend (god knows why) then you have no worry about her sleeping around. You'll probably be the only guy that gets to bang her anyways.... Bwahahahaha!. But meh. Avoid these chicks at any and all costs. |
Dicktease: The hotness. The total hotness. Like these chicks are the one's that you dream about all the time. She looks at you like she wants you, you look at her like a stunned mullet. But you know she'll never put out, nope, no sir. She was made to torment the common man. She usually wears really tight clothes, which usually includes either hotpants or a mini skirt. You can also see her in all her glory at the beach on hot days, and wow the only reason the day is hot, is because she is on the loose. Not to mention if she ever has sex it is with her husband, and what a lucky bastard that guy would be. Sorry guys, she was placed on earth to stun unsuspecting men so people could like rob them or something. I dunno, the only way to deal with these chicks is to like avoid them at all costs. Dun even mention them. No wait, stuff that, go gawk at them some more. |
| Sister's
Friend: Ha ha, either your sister's best friend or like the one that comes around and sleeps at your place. The bane of all brothers, older brothers mostly. They are young, hot and nicely shaped, but if you ever touch her, your sister will shave ur head while you sleep and burn something onto your forehead. Then she'll tell your parents, which mean you will be grounded for the rest of ur youth or no money, or car, or stuff. But meh, that's the price to pay for fresh meat. She flirts with you, almost every time she comes over, has either seen you naked or busted you while whacking off. She knows it isn't over a porn mag or something, and only thinks it is over her. You've spied on her once or twice getting changed and whenever she talks to you, you stutter, and make a complete jackass out of yourself. Yes, it's true. I like titties. The only way to deal with the 'sister's friend' is to lure her into your room only when your sister is asleep, and then yeah...heh heh. They are dispensible. They don't make good girlfriends coz they bitch and whine and want to play with dolls or something like that. Maybe it was makeovers or something. And they want presents all the time. Which leads me to the next type... |
Teeny Bopper: Yes, the dreaded teeny bopper. They are like ur sister's friend, but you are allowed to date them. They are hot, but kinda immature. They want to be spoiled by you, and they always come to you with homework or some form of labour other than sex. She reckons she ain't ready, nearly everytime you put your arm around her or scratch your balls or something. You of course get to do stuff to her, like the old titty play, but teeny boppers are usually lacking in that area. They listen to Aaron Carter, Britney Spears, Backstreet Boys and all that kind of shit. They whine and cry whenever you say something like, 'I'm kinda tired, I think I better like go now'. Mind you this is on the phone at 3am when you are truly tired, and have nothing to talk about. Then they ring you at 7am, and want to talk. This is the age where they can morph into any other catagory in this thingy of chicks. If you treat her nice, she'll love you forever, if not, then off to slutsville for her. Oh and these chicks are good, coz they dun have alot of emotional baggage. Or any at that. And you can teach her to do stuff...for later... |
| Dirty
Whore: Every chick that dumps you becomes a dirty whore. No matter their excuse, they are lying, cheating, deranged chicks. They must get some form of enjoyment out of it. They become a pox on you, because they then brag to their friends about how unclean you were and stuff like that. They are the heartbreakers, the truly evil. The only way to avoid your ex becoming one of the many dirty whores, is to dump her first. You will know when the time comes, because she usually sits you down and says something lame like 'I don't think this is working', which you should promptly say something like 'Damn straight, it's over biatch, now suck my balls and then piss off.' or maybe 'Yeah, I know how you feel and I was about to say the same thing to you....now suck my balls.' Try to avoid saying something like 'What do you mean?' and 'I thought we were destined to be together.' Coz that shit only leads to her wasting your ever so precious time, where you could be looking at porn or doing stuff. As I said before, every chick is a potential dirty whore. In lamens terms, it means that it is alright for them to get with other guys coz you are broken up. They plan this mutiny a long time before they break up with you, coz they like calculate every possible answer. Except mine of course. Yes, always add in 'Suck my balls.' I dunno why, but just do it. |
| Stupider-Than-A-Shoe: They are blond, complete dumbasses, but boy are they the epitomy of sexual desire. Let's just say, in a rating out of 10, these chicks usually are around an 18 or so. They laugh at your jokes, fall for your compliments, and melt in your arms when you give them gifts. Yes, they are awesome as. You may be asking to yourself, 'this is like the awesomest chick in the world, why the hell am I breaking my back for some dicktease, when I can have a girl that does what I say?'. Yes, I agree, this is the question that all of us are saying, but it is known that they are friggin' hard to please. They have very short attention spans, so that is like you having to buy them a present at every single store that you visit with her. She likes you when you try and do it with her, but she gets bored rather quickly. She doesn't know when the 70s were, coz she is a moron, and she keeps asking you whether her ass is too big. But if you have lots of money, and patience, this chick is perfect. But alas, since you are a sexually deprived little man, this holy grail is nothing more than a stupid blond that you don't deserve, because frankly, you can't look at a chick for more than a minute without blowing your load. Go back to looking at porn you stupid wanker, and let me get back to fucking my stupider-than-a-shoe girlfriend. |
| I know some of you may have found some of this material offensive...I didn't, so I don't really care. No, I do care... Ok, I can't back that up. But I am a reasonable guy, really I am, so I apologise if you are a female who falls into one of these catergories other than the Stupider-Than-A-Shoe one, because if you were, you wouldn't have found this site...or turned on the computer...or infact be able to read. As I was saying, I am sorry if you fell into one of the catergories...well not really, it amuses me. |
