rchistory2

TOW The Cuffs

Rachel: That's weird, she locked the door.
Sophie: Y'know why? She's got the Christmas bonus list in there. I saw her working on it this morning.
Rachel: Okay, swear you won't tell, but when Mark left he gave me a key to Joanna's office. Do you wanna see the list?
Sophie: Yeah!
(Rachel unlocks and opens the door to reveal a half-naked Chandler handcuffed to the chair. They both gasp and Chandler stares at them in shock and surprise.)
Chandler: Hi! (to Sophie) How are you?

[Cut to Rachel's office as her intercom buzzes.]
Rachel: (answering it) (angrily) What?!
Chandler: (in a serious, businesslike tone) Rachel, could I see you for a moment?
(Rachel goes into talk to Chandler.)
Chandler: Okay, here's the situation. The keys to the cuffs are on the back of the door. Could you be a doll and grab them and scoot on over and unlock me? And on a totally different subject, that is a lovely pantsuit.
Rachel: You promised you would break up with her!
Chandler: I did break up with her! She just took it
really, really well!
Rachel: And the fact that you were jeopardising my
career never entered your mind?!
Chandler: It did enter my mind! But then something
happened that made it, shoot right out.
Rachel: Y'know what Chandler, you got yourself
into those cuffs, you get yourself out of them.
Chandler: No-no-no-no-no-no-no!! I can't get myself right out of them! You must have me confused with the Amazing Chandler!! Come on, you have to unlock me, she could be gone for hours, and I'm cold, and (Stops and looks up the skirt on a statue behind Joanna's desk.)
Rachel: Oh, Chandler!! All right, this is it! (Grabs the key) You never see Joanna again!
Chandler: Never!
Rachel: You never come into this office again!
Chandler: Fine!
Rachel: You give me back my Walkman!
Chandler: I-never borrowed your Walkman.
Rachel: Well, then I lost it. You buy me one!
Chandler: You got it! Here we go! Come on! This is great! (Rachel goes over and unlocks the handcuffs) Ahhh! (He starts rubbing his wrist)
Rachel: Does it hurt?
Chandler: No, I just always see guys doing this when they get handcuffs taken off them. (He runs over to where his pants are hanging) Hello sweet pants!
Rachel: Wait a minute! What are you gonna tell Joanna?
Chandler: About what?
Rachel: When she sees that you're gone, she's gonna know that I let you out, and that I was in here, and I'm gonna get fired!
Chandler: I'll make something up! I'm good at lying, I actually did borrow your Walkman!
Rachel: No, there's nothing to make up, she's gonna know that I have a key to her office, I've got to get you locked up back the way you were! (She tries to drag him over to the chair, but Chandler stops her.)
Chandler: Oh-ho-ho, I don't think so!
(He starts to put his pants on, but Rachel manages to drag him to the chair. When they get to the chair, Chandler drops his pants and knocks the chair away. Rachel then backs him up and locks him to the top drawer of a filing cabinet.)
Chandler: Well, this is much better.

[Scene: Joanna's office, Rachel and Chandler are having a little tug-of-war with his pants.]
Rachel: Chandler! Chandler, please, I have to get you locked up back the way you were, I am sooo gonna lose my job, she's very private about
her office. Now I know why.
Chandler: Hey, look, you're in trouble either way! Okay?
If she comes back and sees me locked to this instead of
the chair, she's gonna know you were in here. So you
might as well just let me go.
Rachel: What if I clean your bathroom for a month?
Chandler: It still wouldn't be clean. (Rachel makes an
'Eww, disgusting!' face) All I want is my freedom.
Rachel: Foot rubs for a month!
Chandler: Freedom!
Rachel: I'll take all of your photos and put them into photo
albums!
Chandler: Freedom! I want my freedom! Why won't you
hear me?! (Opens the door) Sophie, help me! Help me!!
(Sophie stands up)
Rachel: Sophie sit!!
(She closes the door and puts his tie into his mouth as a gag.)
Rachel: No! God, would you just calm down!
(Chandler screams a little bit, then realises that he can spit out his gag. He does so with a 'Pouff!')
Chandler: I'm gonna say this for the last time. Would you please just? (He moves his arm which opens the drawer and hits in the back of the head, which proves his point.)

Rachel: I ah, will buy and wrap all of your Christmas gifts.
Chandler: No!
Rachel: I ah? Oh! I'll squeeze you fresh orange juice every morning!
Chandler: With extra pulp?
Rachel: (happily) Yeah!!
Chandler: No!
Rachel: D'oh!! (pause) I've got it!
Chandler: You don't have it.
Rachel: I have so got it. There's gonna be rumours about this, there's no way to stop it. Sophie knows, Monica and Phoebe know.
Chandler: How do Monica and Phoebe know?
Rachel: Oh, I called them. And when they ask me what I saw, I can be very generous (Holds her hands far apart) or very (In a high pitched voice) stingy.
Chandler: (intrigued) Go on.
Rachel: I can make you a legend. I can make you this generation's Milton Berle.
Chandler: And Milton Berle has a?
Rachel: Ohh, not compared to you. (Chandler nods in agreement)

Chandler: (hello) Hello.
Joey, Rachel, and Ross: Hey!
Monica: (in a sexy voice) Hello, Chandler. (Phoebe has a huge smile on her face.)
Chandler: (to Rachel) I love you. (Kisses her on the forehead)

Mismatchmakers: Rachel then asked Chandler to set her up with someone from his workplace. The results of which were quite embarrassing in TOW the Girl from Poughkeepsie.

TOW The Girl From Poughkeepsie

Rachel: Hey, y'know, at least you have somebody to miss that stuff with! I hate being alone this time of year! Next thing you know it'll be Valentine's Day, then my birthday, then bang!-before you know it, they're lighting that damn tree again. Ohh, I want somebody! (hearing this, Gunther moves in) Y'know, I want a man!! (Gunther leaves depressed) I mean, it doesn't even have to be a big relationship, y'know, just like a fling would be great.
Chandler: Really?! I didn't think girls ever just wanted a fling.
Rachel: Well, believe me, it's been a long time since I've been flung.
Joey: Well, I know what I'm giving you for Christmas.
Chandler: Y'know what? There's some nice guys at my office, do you want me to set you up?
Rachel: Yeah! Wait a minute, it's been a long time that I've been single. How come you never offered this before?
Chandler: Well, I have a girlfriend, I'm-I'm happy. So, I no longer feel the need to go out of my way to stop others from being happy.
Rachel: Okay! No accountants. Oh, and no one from like legal. I don't like guys with boring jobs.
Chandler: Oh and Ross was like what? A lion tamer?

Chandler: (to Rachel) Have I got the 50 guys for you!
Rachel: Really?!
Chandler: Oh yeah, I just showed this a picture of you and guys were throwing themselves at me! They're buying me drinks! They're giving me stuff! (to Joey) Knicks tonight?
Joey: Sure! Where are the seats?
Chandler: Wherever! I've got like 20!
Rachel: So, will I like any of these guys?
Chandler: Y'know what, I'm gonna uh, play the field just a little more.
Rachel: Chandler!
Chandler: Guys are signing over their 401-K's to me?
Phoebe: (shocked) You work with robots!!
Chandler: (pause) Yes. (to Rachel) Okay, there's this one guy, Patrick, I think you're gonna like him, he's really nice, he's funny, he's a swimmer.
Rachel: Ohh, I like swimmer's bodies!
Chandler: Yes, and his father invented that magnetic strip on the back of credit cards.
Rachel: Op, I like credit cards!
Chandler: See, I'm not bad at this fixing up thing, huh?
Rachel: Well, so what does he do?
Chandler: Oh, he works in the Fine Foods division.
Rachel: Your company has a fine foods division?
Chandler: It's a big company, I don't-if you-I?
Joey: Now, wait a second! You make food and robots?
Phoebe: No! No, the robots just work for them.

Rachel: (entering) Chandler!! You have the best taste in men!
Chandler: Well, like father, like son.
Rachel: Patrick and I had such a great time last night! I mean I think this could maybe turn into something serious.
Chandler: Really?! I-I thought you weren't looking for something serious? I thought you were looking for some kind of a fling.
Rachel: Well, y'know, possibly. (pause) You didn't tell him that, though? Right?
Chandler: Ummmmmmmm, no.
Rachel: You told this guy that I was looking for a fling?! You don't tell the guy that!
Chandler: Why not?! I'd be thrilled if I heard that some hot girl was just looking to get-oh I see.

Rachel: You don't tell a guy that you're looking for a serious relationship! You don't tell the guy that! Now you scared him away!
Chandler: Oh, man. I'm sorry, I'm so-so sorry.
Rachel: Y'know, you should never be allowed to talk to people!
Chandler: I know! I know!
Rachel: Oh! See just I'm right back where I started! Aww, this sucks! Being alone, sucks! (She sits down heavily in one of the new chairs)
Chandler: Well, y'know, you're-you're gonna meet somebody! You're a great catch! Y'know when I was telling all those guys about you, I didn't have to lie once. (He sits down on the arm of her chair)
Rachel: Really?
Chandler: Yeah! You graduated Magma Ku Laude, right?
Rachel: No.
Chandler: Oh, it doesn't matter. (Kisses her on the top of her head.) Hey, y'know what, I've got two tickets to tonight's Rangers game, you wanna come with me?
Rachel: Cute guys in little shorts? Sure.
Chandler: Well, actually it's a hockey team, so it's angry Canadians with no teeth.
Rachel: Well that sounds fun too. (They hug.)
Chandler: Have you ever been with a woman?
Rachel: What?! Chandler, what is the matter with you?!
Chandler: So there is no good time to ask that question.

Chandler first kissed Rachel in TOW All the Kissing, a hilarious ruse in order to prevent the others from finding out about him and Monica. When Rachel and Phoebe see him passionately kissing Monica, he decides to follow suit with each of them, causing them all to wonder 'what's gotten into him?'

(They start kissing and turn around so that Chandler is facing the door. And Chandler sees Rachel, Phoebe, and Joey walk in and quickly ends the kiss with Monica.)
Chandler: So, thanks for having me over! Rach. (Goes over, grabs her, and kisses her.) Pheebs. (After a moment while he decides how to kiss her around her belly, grabs her and kisses her.)
Joey: (Jumping out of his way) See ya!! (To the girls.) What the hell was that?!
Monica: Probably some y'know, European good-bye thing he picked up in London.
Rachel: That's not European!

Rachel: (stopping him) Hey-whoa-whoa-whoa!! Ho-ho-hold on a sec there, Mr. Kissey! Y'know, I've been meaning to talk to you about this whole, little, new European thing you got going on, and I just need to tell you that it makes me very uncomfortable and I just-y'know-stop it!
Chandler: I was just trying to bring a little culture to the group.

Chandler and Rachel both have a big competitive streak, not so much as Ross and Monica, but still pretty strong. We see this between them in TOW the Embryos where they play the now infamous 'Who knows who better?' game. Their betting gets higher and higher until it reaches a boiling point.

TOW the Embryos

Rachel: What the hell is that?!! (to Monica) What the hell is that? Is that you? (Monica nods her
head no, and Rachel realizes what is making that sound.) Ohhhhhhh! (storms over to Chandler and Joey's with Monica in trail.)
Monica: Boy, you are really not a morning person.
Rachel: (angrily) BACK OFF!!! (She starts
banging on their door.) Get up! Get up! Get up!
God damn it! Get up, get up, get up, get up, get
up!! (Chandler opens the door, finally.)
Rachel: What is that noise?
Chandler: You!

Rachel: We'll take Literature!!
Ross: Every week, the TV Guide comes to Chandler and Joey's apartment. What name appears on
the address label?
Rachel: Chandler gets it! It's Chandler Bing!
Monica: No!!
Ross: I'm afraid the TV Guide comes to Chanandelor Bong.
Monica: I knew that! Rachel! Use you're head!
Chandler: Actually, it's Miss Chanandelor Bong.

Rachel: (entering from Chandler's bedroom, I guess, and sees the foosball table.) Oh my God! I
can't believe you guys are actually think you're moving in here!
Chandler: Well believe it baby!
Rachel: Well I-I-I'm not moving.
Chandler: Cool, girl roommate.

Most recently Chandler and Rachel discovered the forbidden fruit...well, it was more like Cheesecake in TOW All the Cheesecakes. They devoured almost three entire cheesecakes, and I say almost because it was so good they had to eat part of it off of the floor. Egh! You have to see it to believe it.

TOW All the Cheesecakes

Chandler: Ohh. Mmm.
Rachel: (Comes in the front door and walks towards the kitchen.) Hi.
Chandler: Hey, you have got to try this cheesecake.
Rachel: Oh, y?know I'm not that much of a sweet tooth. I?(Chandler puts a forkful of the
cheesecake in her mouth.)?Wow. My God, so creamy. Oh my God, this is the best cheesecake I
have ever had. Where did you get this? (She reaches over to look at the label on the box.)
Chandler: (nervously) It was at the front door. When I got home. Somebody sent it to us.
Rachel: Chandler, this is not addressed to you. This is addressed to Mrs. Braverman downstairs.
(Gasping) Thief.
Chandler: I?no! I didn't read the box before I opened it. And you can't return a box after you've
opened the box.
Rachel: Why, why not?
Chandler: Because it's too delicious.
Rachel: Chandler, you stole this cheesecake. That is wrong.
Chandler: No-no-no! It is going to be okay, because Mrs. Braverman is gonna send away for a free
one and that way we all win! The only losers are the big cheesecake conglomerate, (Reading the
label) Momma?s Little Bakery. (Pause) I feel terrible, I?m a horrible, horrible, horrible person.
Rachel: (taking a bite) Oh, I?m sorry what?

[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Rachel enters to find Chandler staring at another cheesecake box.]
Rachel: Hi!
Chandler: Another cheesecake came! They delivered it to the wrong address again!
Rachel: So just bring it back downstairs, what?s the problem?
Chandler: I can?t seem to say goodbye.
Rachel: Are you serious?! Chandler, we ate an entire cheesecake two days ago and you want more?
Chandler: Well I?ve forgotten what it tastes like okay?!
Rachel: It was cheesecake. It was fine. It had a buttery, crumbly, graham cracker crust, with a very rich yet light, cream cheese filling? (Pause) Wow! My whole mouth just filled with saliva!
Chandler: (closing the box) Y?know what? Forget it! We are just hungry! We have not had lunch!
We are just light-headed! So let us go out and have lunch and forget about the cheesecake.
Rachel: Yeah and we?ll drop it off downstairs so that we?re not tempted.
Chandler: Good idea. Where do you want to go to lunch?
Rachel: Momma?s Little Bakery, Chicago, Illinois. (They exit with the cheesecake.)

[Scene: The Lobby of Chandler and Rachel?s building, Chandler and Rachel are returning from lunch.]
Chandler: Well, thank you for lunch.
Rachel: What? Wait a minute, I didn?t pay, I thought you paid!
Chandler: So apparently we just don?t pay for food anymore. (Rachel laughs then Chandler notices something.) Do you see what I see?
Rachel: (gasps) Its still there! (The cheesecake they returned to Mrs. Braverman is still lying in front of her door.)
Chandler: Mrs. Braverman must be out. (They move closer to it.)
Rachel: She could be out of town. Maybe she?ll be gone for months.
Chandler: By then, the cheesecake may have gone bad. We don?t want her to come back to bad
cheesecake.
Rachel: No that could kill her.
Chandler: Well, we don?t want that.
Rachel: No so we?re protecting her.
Chandler: But we should take it.
Rachel: But we should move quick.
Chandler: Why?
Rachel: Because I think I just heard her moving around in there.
Chandler: Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! (Rachel grabs the cheesecake and they take
off upstairs.)

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel and Chandler are eating the cheesecake right out of the box.]
Rachel: (taking a bite) Oh my God! That is so good!
Chandler: I?m full, and yet I know if I stop eating this, I?ll regret it.
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Rachel: Hey!
Joey: (seeing what they?re doing) What do you got there?
Rachel: Oh it?s umm, it?s tofu cake. Do you want some? (He makes a disgusted noise and heads for his room, Chandler follows him in.)

[Scene: Joey and Rachel's, Rachel is eating the cheesecake and Chandler enters and catches her in the act.]
Chandler: Are you eating the cheesecake without me?!
Rachel: (with a mouthful) Mm-mmm. (Nods no.)
Chandler: I will give you a hundred dollars to whistle right now. (She tries to whistle and blows little chunks of cheesecake out of her mouth.) How can you eat the cheesecake without me?!
Rachel: Oh, what are you going to do?! Are you gonna go run tell Monica?! Are you gonna tell
Joey?! No! Because then you will have to tell them what we did! We are dessert stealers! We are living outside the law!
Chandler: Y?know what? I don?t trust you with this cake anymore! And I got it first, and I?m takin? it back! (Grabs the cheesecake and heads for his apartment.)

Rachel: What?! What?!
Chandler: Oh yes!
Rachel: Wait a minute!
Chandler: Oh yes!
Rachel: Oh no-no-no-no-no, no you don?t!
[Cut to Chandler and Monica?s as they enter.]
Chandler: Oh yes! Oh yes!

Rachel: You think I trust you with it?! No! We?re gonna split it! You take half and I take half!
Chandler: Well that?s not fair, you?ve already had some!
Rachel: What? Oh, well then y?know what? I think Monica would be very interested to know that
you called her cheesecake dry and mealy.
Chandler: What do we use to split it?
Rachel: Okay! (Grabs a knife and cuts it in half.) All right, pick a half.
Chandler: (examining the cake) Okay well, this side looks bigger. Uh? There?s more crust on this
side. Y?know? So, maybe if I measured?
Rachel: Oh for God sake just pick a piece!
Chandler: All right, I?ll pick that one. (Points.)
Rachel: That?s also the smaller piece. (Puts the piece onto a plate.) Okay, there you go. Enjoy your half my friend, but that is it. No sharing. No switching, and don?t come crying to me if you eat your piece too fast. (As she?s saying that she is backing out the door, when she finishes she turns around to return to her place, stumbles and drops the cheesecake on the floor.) Oh!!!!
Chandler: (gloatingly and holding his piece) Ohhh!
Rachel: Okay, you gotta give me some of your piece.
Chandler: Oh-ho-ho-ho-no! No! No switching! No sharing, and don?t come crying to me!
Ha-ha-ha! I may just sit here and have my cake all day! Just sit here in the hallway and eat my?
(Rachel knocks the plate from his hand and it falls on the floor. That process leaves just the forkful Chandler has, Rachel starts to go after that little bit and Chandler retreats into his apartment.)

[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler and Rachel are on their knees with forks trying to salvage what they can of the cheesecake off of the floor.]
Rachel: Oh! Yay! Look! There?s a piece that doesn?t have floor on it!
Chandler: Stick to your side!
Rachel: Hey, come on now!
(Joey finishes climbing the stairs and sees them. Chandler and Rachel both stop and look up at him. Joey sits down on the step.)
Joey: (pulls out a fork) All right, what are we havin?? (Starts digging in.)