(c) Nicole F. Hall 2003
no one would ever love her.
I was the little girl who's daddy thought she was mentally challenged (his word - "retarded") until I was in my late 20's.
I was the little girl who grew up to be a very unworthy, insecure, needy woman.
I was the little girl who saw no future, no hope, no life.
I was the little girl who tried to take her own life at 13 years old because
things were just that bad.
I was the little girl who was always a disappointment and never a source of pride.
I was the little girl who's brother told her not to go to college because she would never make it.
I was the little girl who was homely.
I was the little girl who cried herself to sleep every night and pretended to be sick every morning so she didn't have to go to school and face "them" another day.
I was the little girl who became a promiscuous young women to
try to find that feeling of being loved.
I was the little girl who married and had babies the first chance she got because she knew it would be her only chance.
I was the little girl who stood against the wall, face to the floor, hoping not to be noticed but desperately hoping someone would see through the charade and notice me any way.
I was the little girl who was always trying to help and to please and to make others happy, only to get into more trouble some how.
I was the little girl who watched her father get drunk and beat her mother.
I was the little girl who grew up in poverty.
I was the little girl who was called a "slut" even though she avoided sexual activity with great strides.
I was the little girl who was raped and molested at the age of 4 till ? and protected her family from the evil bastards by keeping the secret.
I was the little girl who grew up and has defeated a multitude of demons.
I AM that little girl who won't let the bastards get me down, WON'T let them continue to control my life, WON'T let them continue to defeat me.
You see that little girl no longer exists. This woman that I now am looks back at all those horrible incidents.
Am I unworthy? NO!
Am I a bad girl? NO!
Am I mentally challenged? NO!
Am I all those things they said I was? NO NO NO!
But I believed it for a very long time. Today I look back with adult eyes and I can now see that I was told what other people may have believed, but what they believed was a lie. I was believing a lie. So today, and yesterday, and tomorrow I redefine who I am! I take control of MY life TODAY because the lies of the past are dead! I model myself after those whom I have great respect
and admiration. I do not model myself after the losers and liars of my past. I do not let myself believe what I now KNOW to be false.
As long as we continue to believe all those things we have believed all our lives, THEY continue to control our lives and they continue to win.
If you care to read it,
I wrote The Trilogy during my momentous time of healing.
Be well, Be whole.