So I felt scared in some ways, that my family might disown me to some degree (ie. I didn't really think that anyone would refuse to talk to or see me again, especially my dad who always felt "responsible" for me being born a dwarf... another long story for some other time perhaps), but I was also a bit excited that I wouldn't have to "cloak myself in half-truths" any longer. Moreover, I had minor hope that my parents WOULD BE RELIEVED that "my news" wasn't about something more horrible, such as: being arrested/indicted for some major felony, going into rehab. for multiple drug/alcohol addictions (ie. especially considering that both of them were hardly sober themselves for most of my life & this scenario wouldn't be that surprising) and/or having only a few months to live after being diagnosed with some super-aggressive type of cancer...! Needless to say, neither my greatest fears, nor were my minor hopes ever realized then or even to this date.
...That's when I got the only "nice" surprise from that or any discussion with my parents. My mom looked up at me, with that "knowing look of worse news to come", spoke softly and admitted those errors of their/*her judgement (ie. *since she was always the most vocal with the challenges to "my decisions"), saying they were afraid for me, fearful that I'd end up "paralyzed from the surgery" or just felt "unwilling to see the many benefits to all from my gains in independence", etc. Upon hearing that admission I hesitated, wondering if what I was now hearing was sincere or just a means of delaying this inevitable disclosure they, at least semi-consciously, knew was coming. After telling them I was gay/lesbian, I was fairly certain it was the latter, again especially from my mother.
I asked them: "Do you remember from yesterday, when you asked me "if there were any gay people "out" in LPA?" ...and I had said, "not yet, but there may soon be!". I continued,
Neither of them looked directly at me when they spoke, but my mother, who is usually the most vocal about her displeasure in my announcements or decisions, was surprisingly quiet during this time. I acknowledged how "upset and surprised they might be about this particular subject", but I also added that "this was a part of my life that took the longest for me to accept and feel okay about", so that "I waited until I WAS SURE, before telling them and/or my siblings, etc.".
My father said little more about what he was thinking or feeling, except that he worried for my salvation, unless I denounced this "lifestyle" and repented, etc. When I asked my mother how she felt about this news, she said "...what he said!", as she continued to look over to my father for his further response. I told them that while I knew this announcement would be difficult to hear and/or my orientation would be difficult to accept, I hoped they would accept it eventually, that I didn't want to lie or hide who/what I was with them or anyone else.
-- One of the last things I remember my mom said to me during this specific time was, (ie. in her usual sarcastic tone, though not an exact quote): "Well, you'll change your mind about all that when [I tell and/or] everyone else finds out!" When I replied that I was planning to write to my siblings with this news, and that I was no longer afraid of anyone else knowing either, she then exclaimed: "I'm not telling anyone about this!" Obviously, she had hoped a "threat" of telling her friends and our other relatives might either change my mind and get me to "straighten out", or at least keep me quiet to avoid embarrassing her. I said she could tell whoever she wanted to know, especially if she needed someone to just listen to her latest disappointments or woes, that it might be therapeutic to discuss her worries or anger, etc. This suggestion was not just meant to be about my orientation, but for her life in general, because of the many issues she had. However, I would never say that specifically to her, unless, that is, I wanted to "raise more hell" than I already had that night!
After those statements, I don't really remember how that evening ended, except that my parents were still quiet and angry. I only spoke to them once more by phone, before they left for their annual sojourn to their other house in southern California, (ie. Palm Desert/Springs area) for the rest of the winter. I told them I loved them and hoped they would eventually understand this decision, like the others I had made after prolonged consideration and spiritual guidance. My father again repeated his concerns for my spiritual health (ie. my words, not his) and that I should pray for forgiveness. My mother picked up the other phone and again said that she agreed with my dad. She added that she felt "It was only a phase I was going through, and that I shouldn't talk about something that upset my father so much". I repeated that if I thought this was only a phase, if after 3 years of living and feeling much less at ease with myself, I never would have bothered to tell them anything, especially something like this that I knew would disappoint them. My final statements and questions to them then were about books I had recently purchased that I hoped they would read for a better understanding and/or attempt to accept me as I am.
The books were:
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Although I have more to tell you about my coming out to family & other friends (eg. friends from college I might see ~2x annually), especially to my siblings (as you cited you were really interested in, etc.), I will have to wait for another time. Actually, I want to see if I can find a copy of the letter I wrote to my siblings, as well as the follow-up letter to my parents. If I can retrieve them from a box somewhere here in my apartment (ie. from many left unpacked since my move here more than 4 years ago), I'll transcribe them here for you.
� 2004+
Chgo_LtlDyke
MSN.COM
