Parts 91 to 100
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 91
(a.k.a. Of Fast and Forwarding)
After some battles that are actually quite boring and thus will not be shown...
Max: Well, that took a while, but we're finally almost to the Major Leagues. Now let�s listen to a conversation among the other members of the Minor League!
Master Crash: It is quite lonely without King K around BOMB...
Cleftor: No lonely... Him too weak... Now him not here. Sound normal to Cleftor.
Master Crash: You are in BOMB denial, Cleftor. I saw you weeping in that locker BOMB-BOMB!
DM: King K was this one guy in the Minor Leagues who recently retired.
Grit: Who are you talking to?
DM: No one.
Max: Isn't Jolene supposed to enter with a Swooper now, as the Swooper is a new fighter?
DM: Maybe it was cut out?
E. Gadd: Let's just reserve a match, shall we?
Thus they reserve a match and start the battle. Unfortunately, when Goombella looks up how to defeat their enemies (Iron Clefts), she finds out something unfortunate...
Goombella: What's WITH this book? It says no attack will work against Iron Clefts! It says nothing in the world is as hard as an Iron Cleft, so its Defense is impenetrable. If that's true, the only way to beat one is to whack it with the other one... Running away may not be a bad idea at this point.
And so our heroes cowardly run from the battle.
DM: What did I say about editorials?!
Okay, okay. They just run, and thus lose the match. A short time later, in the Minor League locker room...
Max: Whatever happened to that egg we found, but apparently was skipped over?
E. Gadd: Darn it! I wanted to perform horrible experiments on it!
Max: Really?
E. Gadd: No.
It turns out the egg has hatched and a young Yoshi is what hatched out of it.
DM: Now we have to name him. I say...Yoshi.
Grit: That is very uncreative, but thinking up names takes work, and work is the opposite of relaxation, so okay.
Yoshi: Okay, let's go out there and do some damage!
DM: After we go through the explanation of your abilities.
After the explanation of his abilities...
After using Yoshi to defeat the Armored Harriers (the people they lost to before) by having him gulp them in and spit them at each other, thus damaging them, and repeating this lame joke a THIRD time...
Grit: Well, we're in the major leagues now. That means we get a nicer locker room...as we already are in, as we apparently fast-forwarded through some things.
Max: If memory serves right, as it often doesn't, I think the storyline gets a lot more interesting now.
Rawk Hawk enters.
Rawk Hawk: Studly guy, coming through! Listen up, losers! I've been hearing about some rising star tearing up the league... (he notices our heroes) It's you, isn't it! Yeah! You fit the bill, skinny! A mustache named Gonzales!
DM: Why does everyone keep thinking I have a mustache?! WHY?!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 92
(a.k.a. Of Hawks and Hammers)
Rawk Hawk: Man, I came all the way over here for YOU?!? Harharhar! What a waste of time!
Whichever partner is currently out takes a look at Rawk Hawk's champion belt and concludes that the Crystal Star on it is a fake. Rawk Hawk gets mad at them and says he'll tear them apart if they ever fight in the ring. Suddenly, they get an e-mail. E. Gadd opens it. It says "iF yOu WaNt ThE cRyStAl StAr, HeEd My InStRuCtIoNs. FrOm X"
DM: Whoever the "X" character is, they obviously have no concept of when they should be using capitalization.
After two more battles...
Spooky music starts playing and our heroes get an e-mail. It says "gO tO tHe WaTeRiNg HoLe OuTsIdE ThE gLiTz Pit. FrOm X"
DM: I see that "X" still has no concept of capitalization.
Grit: Okay, so to the watering hole we go! Er, what's a water hole?
E. Gadd: According to my "Weirder Slang To Slang That's Only Weird" translator machine, it's the juice bar.
DM: Okay! To the juice bar we go!
E. Gadd: Could you stop saying "To the 'Whatever' we go!" all the time?
DM: No.
And so our heroes go to the watering hole...er, juice bar.
DM: Okay, where's our weird informant who doesn't know when to capitalize? I don't see anyone here that wasn't in this store before.
Podler: Oh, you're Mr. Gonzales! Yeah, that's the mustache I've been waiting for!
DM: I DON'T HAVE A MUSTACHE!!! Yes, maybe it wasn't grammatically correct to use three exclamation points, but it was necessary this time!
Podler (continuing as if DM had never said anything): Actually, you're pretty late... Somebody left a package and a note by the door a bit ago. The letter said "Look for a thick-'stached man named Gonzales and give him this."
DM: I don't have a mustache! Why do people keep saying that?
Podler (still continuing as if DM never said anything): The "this" the letter was talking about is...this.
Podler gives DM a "Super Hammer". We then go through a rather boring yet useful explanation about it.
Podler: So far's I could tell, that hammer's a new model, the HAMMAWHACK 2005... Real nice hammer all around. Solid craftsmanship, good grip, high bonkability. The commercials for this thing say that the hammer chooses its user... They aren't cheap, either, so whoever gave this to you must be a big fan. But... Why leave it in this juice shop? Doesn't that strike you as a bit odd?
DM: Not any more odd than anything else on this adventure.
Podler: I mean, it's not like it's that hard to hand a gift to a pro fighter...
The spooky music starts again and our heroes get another e-mail. This time it reads "SmAsH tHe BlOcKaDe In ThE mInOr-LeAgUe LoCkEr RoOm. FrOm X"
DM: While I'm grateful for this, whenever we meet up with this "X", I'm going to give them an important lecture on correct capitalization.
Max: Why does DM get all the lines? IT'S NOT FAIR! IT'S NOT FAIR AT ALL!
Grit: Max, if the best line you can come up with is a corny parody of a Twilight Zone episode, maybe you're better left not saying anything.
Max: Ooh, good point.
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 93
Previously, there was a part I'm too lazy to summarize.
-Blue Moon-
Black Hole Soldier: Just let me capture you guys already!
Olaf: No!
Black Hole Soldier: Oh well. I tried.
The Black Hole Soldier makes a signal to retreat. They all leave.
Grit: Why does it keep alternating between capitalizing the word "soldier" when they write "soldier" after the name of the country?
Olaf: Don't ask me.
Grit: I wasn't.
Olaf: Phew!
-Black Hole-
Sturm: We lost in Blue Moon?
Black Hole Soldier: Yes.
Sturm: HOW COULD WE LOSE?!
Black Hole Soldier: They said they didn't want to be conquered.
Sturm: CURSE THEM! HOW DID THEY KNOW OUR ONE WEAKNESS?!
-Blue Moon-
Colin: Olaf! Grit! You're alive and safe!
Olaf: Yep. Well, Colin, it's time to teach you important grown-up things.
Colin: Like what? The birds and the bees?
Olaf: Already did that. But let's make sure you remember. What's the difference between a "normal" bee and a bumblebee?
Colin: A bumblebee is more fat and fuzzy. Kinda like you.
Olaf: Exactly!
Grit: That joke was disturbing.
Olaf: I know. One more question! What is the major difference between a bird and a bee?
Colin: A bird is part of the "bird" family, whereas bees are part of the insect family.
Grit: THIS is your idea of the "birds and the bees"?
Olaf: What else would it be?
Grit: I do NOT want to be here for this.
Grit leaves.
Olaf: All right, Colin! Time to each you about drinking games!
Colin: Drinking games?
Olaf: Oh, it's simple.
Olaf pulls out a large jug of liquid.
Olaf: We take turns drinking this. Whoever has to go to the bathroom first, voluntarily or involuntarily, loses.
Colin takes a sip.
Colin: This is water.
Olaf: What did you THINK we were going to drink?
Colin: I was thinking orange juice.
Olaf: No, that's for professional players. We normal people use water. And that's how you play a drinking game.
Lord Seth: Side effects may include bladder infection, extreme pain, and kidney damage.
-Orange Star-
Max: So what do we do about Yellow Comet's invasion? They think we're Black Hole.
Nell: I have absolutely no idea. Who do you think I am, the person who who's in charge of the defense of Orange Star?
Sami: Yes.
Nell: INSUBORDINATION! GUARDS, FEED HER TO THE SHARKS!
Guards come and drag Sami away.
Andy: The best defense is a good defense, so I say we bolster up our defenses!
Nell: That is an excellent idea that I am going to completely ignore!
What's Green Earth doing? How will Orange Star survive Yellow Comet's attack? Why am I having writer's block in terms of the questions to ask here? Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.875!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 94
(a.k.a. Of Smashing and Secrets)
DM: Okay, so let's go to the minor-league locker room.
And so our heroes go to the minor-league locker room. The security person mysteriously lets them in, despite the fact every single other time he says it's against "regulations".
Grit: Wait. Every single other time you said it was against "regulations" to let us in if we ever tried to get in after we were in the major leagues. Why are you letting us in now?
Guard: The regulations say we can break regulations if it's necessary to propel the story forward.
Max: I don't think this part was from the game...but oh well.
Guard: It's against regulations to say things like this in the game.
They enter it. DM takes out the hammer and breaks open the block. They enter a small secret room. Using Yoshi's gliding ability, they manage to get to a piece of paper above a bookshelf. They pick it up and start to look at it.
E. Gadd: Hey, this is some kind of scientific paper on the Crystal Stars! It's got all sorts of information about it! Let me see it! I'm a scientist! A mad scientist, true, but a scientist nevertheless!
Max: Fine, but let's get out of here first. I'm kinda claustrophobic.
They leave the small room, but find Jolene in the minor-league locker room.
Jolene: You again... Mr. Gonzales, what are you doing here? Major-league athletes are forbidden in the minor-league locker room. And it's inappropriate to bash down our walls.
She walks over and takes away the piece of paper.
Jolene: I'll be confiscating THIS, thank you very much.
Max: You're welcome.
They all stare at Max.
Max: What?
Jolene leaves.
DM: You just HAD to say we had to get out of there because you were claustrophobic.
Grit: Let's just get back to the major-league locker room. I don't want to be worried about getting in trouble for being here...it's so unrelax-
Everyone: SHUT UP!
Another fight later...um, I mean fight in the arena and stuff. Not between our heroes, which isn't to say that isn't likely. Anyway, after that fight, they get another e-mail...
E. Gadd: Does our inbox have enough space for all these e-mails?
Grit: I think we get unlimited space.
Max: For free? Who's providing this service?
Grit: I don't know.
Max: Sounds mighty fishy to me. Giving us unlimited space for free, not telling us who they are...
DM: Be quiet. Let's see...the e-mail says "Keep sticking your noise in where it doesn't belong and you are D-E-A-D- M-E-A-T." Well, we know that can't be "X", because this person knows when to capitalize.
Max: I don't want to be dead meat! I want to be meat that's alive!
One battle later...
Max: Hmmm. Someone left us a cake. I say we ignore it. I'm trying to watch my weight.
Everyone stares at Max.
Max: What?
Grit: Fine, I'LL eat it. Everyone's saying I'm too skinny.
Grit eats the cake.
Grit: That was delicious. Must...have...more! (Grit gets a frenzied look in his eye) MUST...HAVE...MORE! (pause) Ah well. Never mind.
Our heroes fight another battle in the Glitz Pit. After that, but while they're still on the stage...
Unseen Person: MAAAAAAAAARIOOOOOOO!!! Um...I mean, GRRRRRIIIIIIITTTTTTT!!! And MAAAAAAAAAAAX!!!
Sturm enters.
Grubba: Whoa! Another fighter's stormin' in, screamin' his fool head off about somethin'! Gonzales has lots of foes, folks! Some who don't even know his name! Will he live?
Sturm: Word on the street was that some mustached doofus was in Glitzville...and lookee here!
DM: I don't have a mustache!
Max: Why is it always about you? What makes you think they're not just talking to us when they say the person with the mustache?
DM: None of us have mustaches!
Max: Good point.
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 95
(a.k.a. Of Mayhem and Mysteries)
Max: Okay, so Sturm's here for Grit and me.
Sturm: Actually, I'm here to destroy all of you. But especially Grit and Max. Now can I finish my speech?
Max: Go ahead.
Sturm: Talk about perfect timing! And now all these folks get to watch me murdalize you!
DM: I don�t think �murdalize� is even a word.
Sturm: Shut up!
A battle starts.
Sturm: I'm gonna destroy you! And I have witnesses! Wait, maybe that's a bad thing, because they can prove my guilt if this goes to court...whatever! I've never been one to think things through!
Sturm and our heroes battle, but our heroes emerge victorious, mostly because Sturm used Meteor Strike but accidentally hit himself.
Grubba: Hoo! That's our Gonzales! He don't even bat an eye when some nut ambushes him!
DM: Which one of us is Gonzales anyway?
Grit: Does it matter?
DM: It just would be nice to know.
Grit: Maybe we're all "Gonzales".
Max: Then we need a way to tell us apart! DM will be Gonzales I, Grit can be Gonzales II, E. Gadd will be Gonzales III, and I'll be Gonzales IV!
DM: That's a stupid idea.
Max: Oh, shut up, Gonzales I.
One fight later...
The spooky music plays yet AGAIN and our heroes get an e-mail. It reads "gO tO tHe TeLePhOnE bOoTh OuT oN tHe PaViLiOn. FrOm X". There is then a silence.
E. Gadd: DM, aren't you going to complain about the incorrect capitalization again?
DM: Why?
E. Gadd: You always do!
DM: So?
Grit: Let's just go to the telephone booth.
And so they leave, but encounter Rawk Hawk.
Rawk Hawk: Gonzales! Good timing, you pudgy little punk. Uncle Rawk Hawk's got some advice for ya.
DM: I don't think you're my uncle...
Rawk Hawk: It's a figure of speech! Anyway, if you keep stealing the spotlight from me, you're gonna enter a world of hurt! Quit making such a splash, if you value your puny life! Harharharhrharharhar!
Rawk Hawk leaves.
Max: Wasn't his "Harharharhrharharhar!" supposed to be in those cool wavy, moving letters?
Grit: I don't know! Who do you think I am, Lord Seth?
After a quit trip to the telephone booth...wait, did I say quit trip? I meant QUICK trip.
Max: So what are we supposed to do here?
E. Gadd: Maybe PICK UP THE FREAKING KEY IN THE TELEPHONE BOOTH THAT'S OBVIOUSLY THERE?!
Max: I meant BESIDES that.
E. Gadd sighs.
They take the key and are about to leave when they get another e-mail instructing them to go to the storage room. Sorry for not giving it word for word, but it takes a while to type them out, and this is quicker.
DM: To the storage room!
They go to the storage room and unlock it. They have another encounter with Ms. Mowz, who you don't know of because of the fact we skipped over all the times she appeared. Then they get another e-mail, telling them to find the staircase switch to reach the attic.
Max: According to the player's guide, it says we're supposed to use Flurrie to blow away the covers on the blocks so they can break them.
Flurrie blows away the blocks and they subsequently break them. Then they hit the switch that appears, and it makes a staircase appear.
E. Gadd: What kind of technology do they have that can do things like that? I've gotta get my hands on something like that!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 96
Previously, Black Hole gave up its invasion of Blue Moon, and Orange Star decided to bolster their defenses against Yellow Comet's attack.
-Orange Star-
Nell: Are our defenses bolstered?
Andy: Yep. Nothing could get through them except the whole Yellow Comet army.
Nell: Excellent!
Max: You know, if I were actually intelligent in this story, I'd notice the flaw in that logic. But I'm not, so I won't notice it, sadly.
-Black Hole-
Sturm: Aha! So Yellow Comet is invading Orange Star because they think they're attacking Black Hole?
Flak: It seems that way.
Sturm: SEEMS?! Be sure, darn it!
Flak: Uh...okay...
There's a pause.
Sturm: Are you sure now?
Flak: Absolutely!
Sturm: Now, this would be a PERFECT time to take advantage of this temporary confusion and conquer parts of Wars World!
Flak: So we'll attack some countries?
Sturm: Nope! We'll do absolutely nothing!
Flak: Excellent plan!...I think.
Lord Seth: Is it correct to put an ellipsis after an exclamation mark?
Flak: Well, YOU'RE the person who did it!...Right?
Lord Seth: Oh, forget it. I'll just write pause instead! (pause) Yeah, that's a great idea!
Meanwhile, outside of Orange Star...
Kanbei: So how goes the invasion of Black Hole?
Sonja: This is Orange Star!
Kanbei: Oh? Where's your proof?
Sonja points to many signs saying "Welcome to Orange Star!"
Kanbei: It's a Black Hole trick! (pause) Yeah, it must be!
-Green Earth-
Eagle: So are we ready to help out Orange Star?
Drake: We're only doing this to give us some screen time, aren't we?
Eagle: Maybe.
Jess: Don't give us a maybe! Give us a definite "yes" or "no"!
Eagle: Okay! Yes or no!
Jess: That joke was pathetic.
Eagle: Maybe.
-Blue Moon-
Olaf: I'm bored. Nothing interesting has happened for one whole minute.
Grit: I don't know what to say to that statement.
Colin: I know what to say to it!
Grit: What?
Colin: I just told you. "I know what to say to it!" (pause) Is that good?
Grit: I REALLY need to find a new line of work.
-Yellow Comet-
Yellow Comet Citizen: The entire army has gone to invade Orange Star-
Kanbei: Black Hole!
Yellow Comet Citizen: How'd you get here so quickly?
Kanbei: Magic.
Yellow Comet Citizen: That makes no sense.
Kanbei: You dare contradict Kanbei? GUARDS! ARREST HIM!
A bunch of guards arrest the citizen, despite the fact that they're all attacking Orange Star...er, I mean Black Hole.
Kanbei: Now to get back to attacking Orange...I mean, Black Hole.
Will Yellow Comet defeat Orange...er, Black Hole? I doubt it! (pause) But then again, maybe I'm wrong. Will I be wrong? Was that just a reiteration of the first question? Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.875!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 97
(a.k.a. Of Talking and Tediousness)
Our heroes...well, to make a short story shorter, they look around the storage place and fall down a hole. They end up being above the ceiling of Grubba's office. He's talking to Jolene.
Grubba: ...So you didn't find hide or hair of nobody in the storage room, that's what yer sayin'?
Jolene: Yes, Mr. Grubba. It appeared to be secure. Don't worry about it, sir. I've taken the necessary precautions. It was most likely just a rat or something.
Grubba: Well, no big deal either way. Ain't nothin' in there we'd miss much anyway. Thanks fer stayin' on top of this, Jolene. Hey, an' by the way, any word on King K?
Jolene: I'm afraid we still don't know the whereabouts of King K, Mr. Grubba. And so... I deleted his spot on our roster per regulations. The Glitz Pit no longer has any official connection to KP Pete, a.k.a. King K. I have, of course, taken the same steps with all fighters who have gone missing.
Grubba: Hoo, fighters have sure been goin' missin' a lot lately! That's the fifth this year! What in tarnation's goin' on? I even heard some security ijit sayin' the Pit's cursed!
Jolene: I doubt that, sir, but I certainly don't understand the disappearances.
Grubba: Well, fer the time bein', tell the other fellas that King K headed on home for a spell. If word gets out about missin' fighters, it sure ain't gonna be good for business, no siree! Nasty rumors have a way of sendin' folks runnin' to the hills, know what I mean?
Jolene: I understand completely, Mr. Grubba. I'll take care of everything, sir.
Grubba: Y'know, Jolene... Yer a dang fine manager, but you just plumb disappear sometimes... I gotta know! Where in the world do you go, darlin'?
Jolene: Uh... Th-That's... Mr. Grubba, I know you're my boss, but I don't believe that's any of your business.
Grubba: Easy! Didn't mean to pry, now! How 'bout this, then... Heard of the Crystal Stars?
Jolene: N-No... I've never heard of such a thing, Mr. Grubba.
Jolene: Okeydoke, well, I 'preciate yer time, Ms. Jolene. You go ahead an' run along, now, y'hear?
Jolene leaves.
Grubba: Well, if this ain't a fine how-do-you-do! Seems like good fighters are a dyin' breed. That wild child Gonzales is just about the only draw I still got 'round here.
Max: Wow! He complimented us!
Grit: Quiet you idiot!
DM: Fighters going missing? That's strange...
E. Gadd: I thought King K retired! He's gone missing instead?
Grubba: What in the hey?!? Dang ceilin' is spookin' me! HEY! Somebody up there?
E. Gadd: Quick, make a sound! Just pick one from the list!
Max: Which one?
DM: It doesn't matter! Just pick one!
Max: Uh...belch!
Grubba: Hoo, nelly! Just a little burpin' beetle... Here I am, thinkin' someone's up there a-peepin'! I gotta relax...take some yoga classes or somethin'... Yep. Well, back to the ring!
Grubba leaves.
Max: That was close. And my claustrophobia is acting up again. Let's get out of here.
DM: Hmmm...Jolene acted strange after he mentioned the Crystal Stars...But let's get out of here before we get caught. Because getting caught is BAD.
Max: You sure?
DM: Yes.
Max: Sure wish I knew that a while back. It could've saved me a LOT of trouble.
DM: MAN this part was boring. It was mostly just dialogue directly from the game. Well, I guess that's where the "tediousness" part came from. At least I don�t have to listen to Grubba spell everything wrong.
Grit: How can you tell he�s spelling things wrong when he�s saying them out loud?
DM: I have my ways.
Grit: You just read it directly from the text bubble, didn�t you?
DM: Uh...maybe.
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 98
(a.k.a. Of Tricks and Twists)
And so our heroes manage to sneak out.
X battles later...
Once again, the spooky music plays and they get an e-mail.
DM: That stupid music gets so annoying! Why can't we have anything different? I liked the normal e-mail music a lot more. You know, the one that sounded like the intro music in Super Mario World.
Sorry, DM, I didn't make the game. Anyway, the e-mail says "This is your last warning! Stop snooping around about the Crystal Star! If you don't, you'll suffer the same fate as the others who have gone missing..."
E. Gadd: Cool! The plot thickens!
Grit: Why can't the plot ever thin? Why is it always �thicken�?
Max: Because plots don't ever watch their weights.
Our heroes reserve another match. Just then, a cake arrives for our heroes. Whichever partner is currently out eats it and gets paralyzed.
Grit: No problem. We can just switch partners.
Max: Um...no...we...can't.
Grit: Why?
Max: I don't know. We just can't.
Grit: Curse you, whoever made it so we can't switch! CURSE YOU!!! (pause) Darn! I got unrelaxed!
So our heroes battle and manage to win despite not having the partner.
Y battles later...
Max: What are the values of X and Y?
Well, X+Y=Z. Does that help?
Max: X+Y=Z...let's see...
While Max appears deep in thought, the spooky music starts up again. This e-mail says "rEmOvE tHe GrEaT gOnZaLeS pOsTeRs In ThE lObBy. FrOm X"
DM: But if we do that, then we'll lose all our exposure! And I want to get paid to do endorsements!
Grit: You need to take more chill pills, DM. Luckily I've got some.
Grit pulls out a pill marked "chill pill", except the "c" and "p" on it are capitalized.
Grit: See? Lets you be nice and calm.
DM: That thing probably has a zillion bad side effects.
Grit: Oh, that's ridiculous. I gave a bunch of these to Olaf, and look at him! (pause) Er, I think I see what you mean.
Max: X+Y=Z...equals Z...
E. Gadd: Let's just remove the posters.
And so our heroes go and, using Flurrie's wind powers, blow away the posters. Suddenly a key pops up.
DM: All right! A key that opens a door in the Glitz Pit storage room!
Grit: How'd you know that?
DM: It said at the bottom of the screen "A key that opens a door in the Glitz Pit storage room" when we got it.
On cue, they get another e-mail message. This one says "gO tO tHe SeCoNd FlOor oF tHe StOrAgE rOoM. FrOm X"
DM: All right! Plot thickening/dramatic plot twist time!
After a quick trip to the storage room and unlocking the door...
Yoshi: Whoa! You gotta be kidding me! Bandy Andy! And King K!
Grit: Why was Yoshi out right then?
DM: Must've been who was out when Lord Seth was writing this. And for those who don't know, Bandy Andy is one of the minor-league fighters in the Glitz Pit.
E. Gadd: We all know that already.
Max: X+Y=Z...X plus Y...
Bandy Andy: Gonzales! Listen...to me...URK!...man...Don't...get...near...the...ring...when...no...one...is...around...Ohhhhhhh...
Max: I think that might not have been the exact number of h's that were in the game.
Our heroes start to leave the room but spot Jolene just outside. She quickly closes the door and leaves.
Goombella: Whoa! Did you see that, guys? Was that...Jolene? What the heck is going on?
Grit: Why is Goombella suddenly out?
DM: Lord Seth must've changed partners when that happened.
Max: X+Y=Z...x plus y equals z...that's it! I've got it! X, Y, and Z can be any numbers!
Everyone stares at Max.
Max: What?
DM: Great. Another overused joke.
Max: DM? Do you know you get too many lines?
DM: That was a pointless remark of yours.
Max: See what I mean?
DM: I'm afraid I don't.
Max: Exactly.
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 99
Previously, a bunch of stuff happened that didn't really amount to anything.
Lord Seth: So what if my recaps aren't very good? I'd like to see you do better! (pause) Actually, I wouldn't like to see you do better, because then I'd have to actually improve the quality of the recaps. So...uh...well, I don't know. Forget it. And I mean that literally. (Lord Seth pulls out a pendulum and moves it back and forth) You are getting sleepy...very sleepy...despite the fact this is all text...when I snap my fingers, you will forget everything that happened between now and when I said "So what if my recaps aren't very good?". Understood?
-Green Earth-
Eagle: So were we going to help Orange Star?
Drake: I don't know. I know we were at least planning to do so.
Eagle: All right! Let's go!
So Green Earth sets out to aid Orange Star against Yellow Comet. Unfortunately, they get completely lost and have many adventures that, while fascinating, will for some reason never be shown.
-Yellow Comet-
Yellow Comet Citizen: Now that the army isn't here, it's time for us to REVOLT!
Yellow Comet Citizen 2: Isn't that the kind of thing that's supposed to happen in Orange Star, not here?
Yellow Comet Citizen 1: We need SOMETHING new.
Yellow Comet Citizen 2: Wait. Are you the same citizen who was talking earlier? Because now there's a "1" after your name but there wasn't a "1" before.
Yellow Comet Citizen 2.875: So why should we revolt?
Yellow Comet Citizen 2: And why is he "Yellow Comet Citizen 2.875"?
Yellow Comet Citizen 2.875: I sorta lost 1/8 of my body.
Yellow Comet Citizen 2.875 leaves, then comes back.
Yellow Comet Citizen 3 (formerly 2.875): Well, I-
Yellow Comet Citizen 2: Wait! I thought you said you lost part of your body!
Yellow Comet Citizen 3: I managed to find it. So now I'm Yellow Comet Citizen 3 again.
Yellow Comet Citizen 4: Let's quit with the weird jokes and get on with the revolt.
Lord Seth: Um, it's spelled "weird", not "weird".
Yellow Comet Citizen 4: Huh? I thought it was "i before e except after a c, or in sounding like "ay" as in neighbor or weigh"
Lord Seth: That's the general rule, but the spelling of weird is rather weird! (pause) Hey, THAT'S a good way to remember! The spelling of weird is rather weird! It's "weird" because it violates that general rule! I love it!
Yellow Comet Citizen 4: Wait a minute. �Weird� wasn�t spelled incorrectly at all!
Lord Seth: Oh, darn that spell-checker of mine!
One massive revolt later...
Yellow Comet Citizen 7: We've revolted. Now what?
Yellow Comet Citizen 6: I wish I knew. I wish I knew.
Will the army take back Yellow Comet from the citizens? Will the Yellow Comet army defeat Orange-
Kanbei: Black Hole!
Uh, defeat Black Hole? Will Kanbei ever figure out that this "Black Hole" is actually Orange Star?
Kanbei: Nope. Never.
Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.875!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 100
(a.k.a. Of Titles and Traps)
Our heroes leave the place they were in and reserve another match.
E. Gadd: All right! The title match! Once we beat Rawk Hawk...uh...well, SOMETHING will happen.
The security person, as per usual, enters and takes our heroes out. However, he leads them to the Minor League locker room instead.
Grit: Why are we going here instead of the ring?
Security Person: Uh...it's a special match, so you come here instead. Now just stay here.
He leaves them in the locker room, alone.
Max: Where is everyone anyway? And we're going to miss our fight against Rawk Hawk if we stay here.
A short time later...
Goombella: OK, they are like, totally, ridiculously late now! I'm gonna find out what's up.
Goombella tries to open the door, which is strange because she has no arms.
Goombella: Omigosh! Omigosh! Guys! It's locked! The door's locked! We're totally trapped!
DM: Maybe it's because you don't have arms that you can't open it?
DM tries to open it but can't.
DM: Darn! It is locked!
E. Gadd: Wait! Let's try a Strength check to see if you can wrench it open!
E. Gadd rolls a die.
E. Gadd: Guess not. Sorry.
Goombella: If we don't do something soon, we're gonna forfeit that match! We gotta get out of here!
DM: Darn it! The shreds we have left of the guide don't tell us. Max, YOU played this game. How do we get to the match?
Max: Let's see...now I remember! We have to get out of this room!
Grit: He meant BESIDES the excruciatingly obvious.
E. Gadd: Intelligence check time!
E. Gadd rolls a die.
E. Gadd: Yes! I succeeded it! I know how we get out!
DM: I'll play along. How?
E. Gadd: See that poster of Princess Peach?
Max: I got it! We just sit here on our butts and do nothing, right?
E. Gadd: No. We use Flurrie to blow it down. I bet there's a secret passage.
Flurrie blows it away and they enter the secret passage.
They enter a major-league locker room after we started a second paragraph unnecessarily.
Grit: Hmmm. So there's another minor-league locker room and another major-league locker room than the ones we were in. I was WONDERING where all of those other minor-leaguers and major-leaguers were...
DM: Now where do we go?
E. Gadd: Hang on a minute! Let me try an Intelligence check again!
DM: We're doomed.
E. Gadd: We're not doomed unless we fail a Save vs. Being Doomed check. Calm down.
Read on!