Parts 101 to 110
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 101
(a.k.a. Of Champions and Chicanery)
E. Gadd: Woohoo! I succeeded in my Intelligence check!
DM: Those Intelligence checks aren't very realistic, are they? I mean, if they were, you'd be failing them all.
E. Gadd: Shut up. Anyway, we need to enter the bathroom.
Max: But I don't think any of us have to go.
E. Gadd: Just stop talking for a while, would you?
The four enter and find...a toilet. What were you expecting?
E. Gadd: Now we just have to enter the toilet.
DM: I am never going on another one of these adventures again...
And so they go into the toilet like they would go into a pipe. You know, one of those green pipes. They emerge from the toilet in the OTHER major-league locker room.
Grit: That was disgusting. Now let's go get to that fight.
E. Gadd: Disgusting? It also probably violated a few laws of physics! You think someone with our mass and density could manage to fit through those tiny pipes? Seriously, we'd better be careful or else the Physics Police will be after us.
Our heroes exit the locker room and enter the arena. The battle with Rawk Hawk, complete with excellent music, starts. Man, I've got to get an MP3 with that music...but back to the story. But I still love that music...best battle music in the game...or at least one of the best.
Yoshi: All right, Gonzales! We're fighting the champ! I'M...SO...FIRED...UP!
Rawk Hawk: Harharharharharharhar! You wimps should've stayed locked up, safe and sound!
Yoshi: What kind of trash-talking are you doing now? Wait... Did YOU get that security guard to lock us in the locker room?
Rawk Hawk: You're darn right I did! I also sent you that poisoned cake, suckers! That's what happens when you mess with me, baby! You meet the pain train!
Yoshi: So YOU'RE the coward who's been sending nasty e-mails about the Crystal Star!
Rawk Hawk: Huh? I have no idea what you're babbling about now. What's a Crystal Star? No, wait... I DON'T CARE! I may not play exactly fair, but I got skills, punks! And now, you're about to meet 'em all, baby! Prepare to be RAAAAAAAAWKED!
After a battle that's excellent if you play the game, but isn't that suspenseful when reduced to text, especially as you don't get the music...
Rawk Hawk: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I... Rawk Hawk... The champ... The undefeated master... I've lost to...such...losers...
A short time later...
Grubba: Well, you finally did it, son! Today's yer first day as the new champ! Here's yer belt!
Grubba gives you the Champ's Belt.
Grubba: Tell you what: I'm gonna go ahead an' get you set up in the champ's room right away. Ms. Jolene, be a peach an' show Gonzales here the champion's room, OK?
Jolene: Absolutely, sir. Well then, Mr. Champion... Would you follow me, please?
Jolene takes our heroes to the champion's room. She then leaves.
Grit: Well, we may have defeated Rawk Hawk and are now the champions...
DM: I can't wait for the endorsement offers!
Grit: ...but we still have no idea where the real Crystal Star is.
Max: Do you guys hear something? It sounds like a voice...
Grit: That was me talking.
Max: No, I meant someone else. I'm not STUPID.
DM: Maybe it's a ghost?
E. Gadd: All right! Ghosts! Time for horrible experiments!
They get another e-mail. I shouldn't need to tell you about the spooky music. It says "fInD tHe GhOsT iN tHe ChAmP's RoOm. FrOm X"
DM: Seriously, I AM going to have to teach this "X" about proper capitalization when we meet.
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 102
Previously, the citizens of Yellow Comet revolted for no real reason other than to make a new plot.
-Orange Star-
Nell: How goes the war against Yellow Comet?
Andy: Bad. We've all been captured and right now are being held captive in a dark and musty dungeon.
Max: Yeah, why did it have to be a dark and MUSTY dungeon? Why not just a dark dungeon? Or just a regular dungeon?
Nell: Well, notify me of any changes in the situation.
Meanwhile...
Sonja: News from Yellow Comet! The citizens have revolted!
Kanbei: Who gave you that information?
Sonja: Why does it matter?
Kanbei: We need to kill the messenger for bringing bad news!
Sonja: That's ridiculous!
Kanbei: No, it's the samurai way.
Sonja: I think you're getting samurai mixed up with ninjas.
Kanbei: No! Samurai never get samurai mixed up with ninjas!
Sonja: But because you are, that means you're not really being a samurai!
Kanbei: You know, you're lucky you're my daughter. Samurai are obligated to kill people who talk to them like that unless they're family.
Sonja: You're thinking of ninjas again...
Kanbei: Kanbei does not get ninjas mixed up with samurai any more than he refers to himself in the third person!
Sonja stares and Kanbei. Then she then quickly walks away.
Kanbei: What would a samurai do now? (pause) He would go get a cup of coffee! Of course!
Kanbei leaves. Sensei then enters.
Sensei: Did I miss something important?
-Black Hole-
Flak: Us need to invade we! Me no likey not invasion!
Hawke: Uh-oh. Flak is acting dumber than usual.
Sturm: I know how to fix that.
Sturms hits Flak in the head.
Flak: Energy equals mass times the speed of light squared. This can be used-
Sturm hits Flak in the head again.
Flak: ...GRRRRAAAAARRRGH!
Flak runs off.
Sturm: Ah, good. Back to normal. Sometimes it takes multiple hits, though.
Flak enters.
Flak: So are we going to invade?
Sturm: Why? We can let the countries fight each other, destroy each other, and then subsequently invade ourselves and pick up the pieces.
Flak: You mean like LEGOs?
Sturm: Maybe we should've kept with the intelligent Flak.
Hawke: The last time we tried that, he killed us all with some super-ray he made.
Sturm: Ah, good point. So when are we going to turn him into the genius Flak?
Hawke hits Sturm.
Sturm: I needed that.
Will the Orange Star COs escape from the dungeon? Will Black Hole succeed in their nefarious plan? Do you even know what nefarious means? Is it time to end with these stupid "ending" questions? Do I ask that question so often it isn't even funny anymore? Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.875!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 103
(a.k.a. Of Foes and Flashbacks)
E. Gadd: Okay, where's that ghost? Hey, I know! I'll do an Intelligence check to see if we figure it out!
DM: I'd rather suffer through another flashback than have you do this again.
E. Gadd: Okay! Coming right up!
DM: Aw, crud.
BEGIN FLASHBACK
END FLASHBACK
DM: Well, at least the flashback was short.
Grit: There wasn't even a flashback.
DM: Exactly! That's the shortest flashback possible!
Max: I remember what to do!
Grit: Let me guess. You're going to say we need to find the ghost, right?
Max: Give me a little credit. I'm not STUPID. What we need to do is jump up those boxes, then use Yoshi to float over and get onto the ledge above the door. Then, from that, we float over using Yoshi to the ledge to the right.
Everyone stares at Max, dumbfounded.
DM: I guess there IS a reason we bring him along other than to make more than just one party member related to Advance Wars.
After doing what Max said...
After using a Hammer to break open the secret passageway...
After proving we're totally out of ideas due to the fact we've repeated this joke so many times...
Max: Hmmm. We're in an air duct. I wonder where it leads.
Grit: What I'm really wondering is why it doesn't collapse under Max's weight.
Unseen Person: Hyuk hyuk hyuk hyuk! Well, THAT'S in perfect condition, as usual! Yep, long as I got THAT baby workin' for me, this ol' bod ain't NEVER gonna get weak! But I'm gonna have to watch my tootsies here fer a little bit... First I let that King K ijit walk in on me when I was with...THAT... An' now I can't shake the feelin' that Jolene an' Gonzales are onto me... Well, I guess I'll burn that bridge when the time comes. I'll just disappear 'em! Yep, just like I did to them others...like I did to Prince Mush, the first champ!
DM: There's only one person who talks in that fashion of incorrect grammar...
Max: I know! It's Drew!
Everyone stares at Max.
DM: Maybe we shouldn't keep him around after all. Regardless, that must have been Grubba.
Grubba (unseen): I better lock this room up tighter 'n a peanut butter jar at a squirrel convention. An' I'll just go ahead an' hide the paper relatin' to THAT in the desk drawer... There we go! Y'know what, though? Since I'm thinkin' aloud, here... Good fighters ain't nothin' to mess with. Even Rawk Hawk lost to Gonzales. This new champ might have to disappear purty soon. For my sake...
Grit: Why do people just talk out loud like that?
E. Gadd: Because they failed their Save vs. Talking Out Loud checks, a subdivision of Save vs. Uncommon Sense checks.
Our heroes leave the air duct and enter Grubba's office. Grubba has left.
Grit: He said something about his desk drawer. Let's look in it!
They open the desk drawer. Inside it is a paper that has the blueprints of a machine under the ring that uses a Crystal Star.
E. Gadd: Wow! This machine must be powered by the Crystal Star! Using my special blueprint-reading Level 4 skills, I can tell it sucks power out of people! THAT must have been what happened to King K and Bandy Andy!
Just then...Grubba walks in.
Max: PA-LOT TWIST!
DM: Shut up.
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 104
(a.k.a. Of Youth and Yearnings)
Grubba: GREAT GALLOPIN' GULPITS! How in tarnation did YOU get in here, son? Well, slap me an' call me Sassafras!
DM: I would, but I'm strangely frozen while you're talking. Actually, I've noticed that's happened a lot in this adventure.
Max: That part where he said to slap him was a figure of speech. Even I knew that!
DM: Oh.
Grubba (continuing as if he hadn't been interrupted, something also common in this adventure): Yer starin' at my secret paper, too!
Goombella: Quiet, you total scumbag! You sucked the life out of poor King K and Bandy Andy!
Grubba: Whoa, nelly! This ain't good!
Grubba leaves the office.
Goombella: C'mon, guys! We can't let that jerk get away!
Our heroes chase after Grubba and follow him into the ring, which is currently deserted except for him.
Grubba: I gotta say, y'all are a coupla slack-jawed idiots, sniffin' round my business... Now you know my big secret, I'm afraid yer gonna have to take a li'l ol' dirt nap.
DM: You know, I like the music that's playing right now.
Suddenly a machine with a Crystal Star at the top of it emerges from the ring.
Max: There's the REAL Crystal Star!
DM: About time.
Grubba: Hyuk hyuk hyuk hyuk hyuk! How you like my machine? Pretty dang nice, huh? Yep, I've been suckin' power from fighters with this baby! SLUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURP! Yer darn tootin'! An' you know why? 'Cause it keeps my bod forever young, son!
Goombella: Using a Crystal Star to look good? You're so totally vain! You're gonna pay for that!
Grubba: Oh, just shut yer traps, now! I'll use MY Crystal Star however I dang please! Check THIS out! HRRRRRRRRH! MUUUUUUUUUUUSCLE-UP!
Max: Wrong number of "U"'s and "R"'s again, I believe...
Grubba suddenly turns red and becomes Much LARGER.
Grubba: MAAAAAAAAAACHO GRUBBA!
Max: That's... big. And I'm not sure that was even the correct number of-
Grit: Be quiet. It gets annoying when people keep saying that.
Grubba: Hoo-wee! I'm gonna smash you guys into guacamole an' snack on YER energy, too!
The battle begins. There's some dialogue that we will skip, along with the entire battle itself.
Grubba: Noooo... How'd this happen? How could a perfect bod like mine lose to such a chub? Oh...Great...Gonzales...Great fight there, son. Great...fight. Urrrrrrrrrgh...
Offscreen Person: Mr. Champion!
DM: There's only one person who says that...
Max: Who?
DM: I have absolutely no freaking idea!
Jolene (who was the formerly unseen person): ...No, I mean...Mario.
DM: None of us is named Mario.
Grit: Lord Seth must've forgotten to change that.
Jolene. Please allow me to offer my earnest thanks for defeating that foul Grubba. I really have to apologize... I'm so sorry that I had to get you involved... But you must understand...I had to learn the truth about the arena by any means. Let me tell you everything. I had a little brother once, by the name of Mush. He'd have done anything for me. Our family was always poor, so he became a fighter here to support all of us...But he suddenly went missing one day. Our family was inconsolable. I suspected foul play, so I got hired on as the manager and investigated in secret. As I looked for clues about my brother, I accidentally saw Mr. Grubba transform. Seeing what I was up against, I almost gave up hope...and then you appeared. So I decided to secretly guide you.
DM: Shouldn't part endings end, you know, suspensefully, or at least comically? Not just like this?
Max: I don't know?
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 105
Previously, the Orange Star COs were captured and the Yellow Comet citizens had previously revolted.
-Black Hole-
Sturm: We're all ready to invade Yellow Comet. We just need information from our spy.
Adder enters.
Adder: We got a message from some spy! It says "(jgqe3 j92"
Sturm: That makes no sense.
Adder: Whoops, still in code. The deciphered version is "K75zcd 7ls"
Sturm: Excellent! Let the invasion begin sometime in the future!
-Orange Star-
Kanbei enters the dungeon where the Orange Star COs are being held.
Kanbei: You Black Hole COs think you're so smart, disguising yourself as the Orange Star COs. Well, Kanbei sees right through your disguises!
Max: Darn it! I thought we did a great job with the disguises!
Nell kicks Max.
Max: What was that for?
Nell: Being an idiot.
Kanbei: Amazing! You're even ACTING like the Orange Star COs. But you still have not fooled Kanbei!
Sami: So what are you planning to do with us?
Kanbei: Kanbei still hasn't decided. He's torn between public execution, just leaving you here to die of starvation-
Andy: You mean thirst.
Kanbei: What?
Andy: We'd die of thirst before we'd die of starvation. People live longer without food than they live without water.
Nell: Wow. You actually remembered a fact.
Sami: A completely useless fact that didn't help us out at all.
Andy: Well, I know what a continent is, don't I?
Nell: ...
Andy: Why did you just say "dot dot dot"?
Kanbei: Silence! Kanbei did not finish his sentence! You will either be publicly executed, die of thirst in this dungeon, or something else will happen. I haven't quite decided yet. Now Kanbei is out of here.
Kanbei leaves.
Andy: Now what do we do?
Nell: Well, where's Hachi? Maybe he could help us out.
-Black Hole-
Sturm: So you'll sell me WMDs for $100,000 each?
Hachi: They're EWDs! They're Evil Weapons of Doom, not Weapons of Mass Destruction. Get your names right.
Sturm: But you're selling them, right?
Hachi: Yep! Maybe a bunch of people will get killed, but it won't be me, and I'll be richer!
Sturm: I have a question. Where'd you get these EWDs anyway?
Hachi: They were leftover props from the movie. It's a good thing the director had them be actual EWDs for added realism.
Sturm: Excellent. Excellent. All is progressing according to my plan.
Hachi: What's your plan?
Sturm: To have everything progressing according to my plan.
Hachi: That's a terrible plan! Good thing that I also offer discount evil plans!
Sturm: Really?
Hachi: Yeah! And for a mere 1,000,000% increase, you can even have them personalized.
Sturm: Wow! Get me one quick!
Hachi: The price is doubled for an express version.
Sturm: I don't care! Just get it ready for me! I'll pay twice 1,000,000% of the normal price!
Hachi: Excellent. Excellent.
Back in the dungeon...
Nell: Or, alternatively, we're just screwed.
Will the Orange Star COs escape? Will Sturm annihilate Yellow Comet? Will we go down the nuclear weapons/EWD storyline again? Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.875!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 106
(a.k.a. Of Reunions and Resolutions)
Yoshi: Ah-ha! So our X buddy was...
Jolene: Correct... It was me. Once I saw you fight, I knew you were the only one who could challenge Grubba.
Jolene comes up onto the ring.
Jolene (to Grubba): Now, sir... ...No! Not "sir"! Grubba! I want answers, right NOW! What did you do with my precious little brother? You know exactly what I'm talking about! The first champion: Prince Mush!
Grubba: Urrrgh... Prince Mush... He... He...discovered the secret of my...power-suckin' machine... I had him...urgh...disappear. Any which way you look at it...oooog...he ain't around these parts no more.
Jolene: ...No! I...suspected as much... Oh... Poor, sweet Mush...
Yoshi: Boy, I thought she was kinda mean, but turns out she was just worried for her brother! Wow! Check it out, Gonzales! The Crystal Star!
DM: The dialogue that's taken from the game is never funny. We should skip more of it.
Max: See? You're getting too many lines!
Suddenly, Prince Mush pops out of the machine for no apparent reason.
Prince Mush: Whoa... Is this... Am I back in the Glitz Pit?
Jolene: MUSH!!!
DM: Boring!
Grit: Shut up! Do you want to get them mad at us? Don't you think enough people already hate us?
DM: Why does it matter? They're not paying attention, and nothing we say is going to stop their dialogue. We're also strangely frozen while they're talking.
E. Gadd: Welcome to the wonderful world of RPGs.
Max: Still too many lines from DM...
We now return to Jolene and Prince Mush's conversation, already in progress, parts of which we skipped.
Jolene: Now, Mario...the Crystal Star is yours.
DM: I'm not even going to mention that reference to Mario.
Max: You just did.
DM: Oh.
Max: You're just proving my point, you know.
The Crystal Star falls onto the ring.
Yoshi: Whoa! Are you sure? It's OK if we just take it?
Jolene: It's better that you have it...so that nothing like this will ever happen again.
Yoshi: It's all yours, Gonzales! Nab it, dude!
One of our heroes goes up and grabs the Crystal Star. As always, there's the cool music that we unfortunately can't replicate. Forget the MP3 of the Rawk Hawk music, I want an MP3 of THIS music! Regardless...
END OF CHAPTER
Glitzville's seamy underside was a dark, dangerous place seething with conspiracy... With the help of the lovely Ms. Jolene, our heroes revealed Grubba's true identity... And acquired the third Crystal Star by defeating the monstrous Macho Grubba. Grubba had used the power of the Crystal Star to run his power-draining machine... What other hidden powers might these strange and mystical items possess?
Meanwhile, in the X-Naut base...
Grodus: Beldam...Tell me, what good are you? You STILL haven't taken care of that Mario character?
Lord Seth: None of them are named Mario. They're DM, E. Gadd, Max, and Grit.
Grodus: Who are you?
Lord Seth: No one of importance! I'm not even here!
Grodus: Your Jedi mind tricks will NOT work on me.
Lord Seth: That wasn't a Jedi mind trick. That was a Jabit mind trick.
Grodus: The difference?
Lord Seth: Jabit mind tricks never work.
Grodus: Soldiers? Kill him.
Lord Seth: You can't kill me!
Grodus: Oh, and why not?
Lord Seth: I'm crazy! And crazy people can't get the death penalty!
Grodus: Fine. Torture him so badly he'll wish he was dead.
Lord Seth: Can you finish your conversation first? Now, I know it is completely out of character for you to obey me here, but...
Beldam (to Grodus, continuing the conversation as if Lord Seth had never interrupted): Well, yes, sorry, but... Only because he's tougher than we thought at first...
Grodus: You do understand that we X-Nauts must open the door first, do you not?
Beldam: Mweee hee hee hee hee... Well, rest assured that I will definitely nail him next time. We have prepared a weapon that will bring him to a quick and certain end.
Grodus: I trust your words...though I rapidly lose my patience.
Lord Seth: You know, you could just go and fight them YOURSELF...
Grodus: Can you get to the torturing now?
Lord Seth: Uh...uh...um...bye!
Lord Seth runs out screaming "Blaaaaaaaaaaaap!"
Grodus: Now, where were we?
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 107
(a.k.a. Back to the Ol' Something)
Beldam: Just leave it to us, sire. Mwee hee hee hee hee... Let's away, my lovelies! Marilyn! Vivian!
Marilyn, Vivian, and Beldam all do that disappear-into-the-ground thingy. Then there's another scene with Peach that we won't bother to show.
Meanwhile, in the Great Tree...
Puni: Th-That thing's...humongous! Everybody!!! HIDE!!! NOW!!! Save yourselves!
The Punis run away.
Offscreen Person: Stupid, cheating DM, E. Gadd, Grit, and Max...Who would've thought that they'd be in Glitzville...
The screen tilts so we see that the "unseen person" is Sturm, who is with Hawke.
Sturm: What were those tiny shrimps anyway?
Hawke: Honestly, am I the ONLY one who knows these things? They were Punies. One of them should know about the Crystal Star. They're afraid of you, so they're hiding. Let's find them and get the information we need.
Sturm does some looking around, only to find the Puni Elder, who does that "getting-very-big-for-a-few-seconds" thing and shouts "BEGONE!".
Puni Elder: You're one of them, aren't you? One of the evildoers! You want our Crystal Star!
Hawke: Ha! See?!? I KNEW it! The ugly thing knows where the Crystal Star is! Tell us!
Puni Elder: How RUDE! "Ugly thing"? How dare you, you wretched crone? I am the great Puni elder!
Hawke: Wretched crone?
Sturm: It's hag vs. hag! Awesome!
Hawke: What? Hag?
Sturm: Um, I didn't say anything. Let's move on. Where's the Crystal Star?
Puni Elder: You're too late. The Crystal Star is gone.
Sturm: Huh-WHAT?!?
Puni Elder: That's right, you rude thing! We gave it to a mustached man named Marty-o! He said he was collecting the legendary treasures to rescue some princess... What did he call her? Princess Pinch? Yep! He was off to save that lucky lass!
Hawke: I have no idea who this "Marty-o" is, but it's Peach, not Pinch. Your senility is behind the point. The princess and the treasures must be connected! Those guys are trying to get it all! Treasures, princesses... Does their greed never end?
Sturm: I thought we were the greedy ones.
Hawke: Uh...
Sturm: Anyway, those two belong to me! Once we find those guys, I'm going to finish them off for good! I know I've said that a zillion times before, but this time I mean it!
Hawke: Wait a minute! DM, E. Gadd, Max, and Grit don�t HAVE mustaches! How can they think that-
Sturm: Don�t question it, Hawke. Don�t question it.
Back in Glitzville...
Jolene: I hope you succeed in finding the rest of the Crystal Stars. Good luck!
Rawk Hawk: Gonzales, I wanna tell you... Rawk Hawk ain't gonna fight dirty anymore. I'm gonna hit the weights, take some vitamins, and win the title fair and square! And I'm never, EVER gonna lose again! Remember: when life rocks you, RAWK BACK!
King K: Listen, G-money... Thanks for everything, man. You're the nicest dude I ever met, and if you ever need it, I got your back. Me, I think I'm gonna chill here and improve my skills. King K's back, baby! And it's all thanks to you, dog! You're my boy!
Jolene: Now that's Grubba's out of the picture, I'm going to take over running the Glitz Pit. If you ever decide to return to the ring, just come back! I'll keep your spot open. You have tons of fans, and they'd absolutely love it if you made a comeback! Anyway, think it over, OK? And travel safe!
DM: I'll be back. I'm not missing those endorsements!
Grit: Shut up.
Meanwhile...
Lord Seth: Boy, did THIS chapter take a while to go through. I should probably do a bit more fast-forwarding in the future chapters...
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 108
Previously, Black Hole purchased some EWDs (Evil Weapons of Doom) from Hachi for their invasion of Yellow Comet.
-Yellow Comet-
Sensei: Well, putting down that revolution of the citizens was easier than we thought.
Sonja: Oh, of course Lord Seth is too lazy to show the combat.
Lord Seth: Fine! I will!
BEGIN FLASHBACK
Yellow Comet Citizen: The soldiers are returning! They must've defeated Orange Star, which they thought was Black Hole!
Yellow Comet Citizen 2: No problem. They must be considerably weakened. We'll manage to defeat them!
Yellow Comet Citizen: Why are we even fighting them?
Yellow Comet Citizen 2: It involves a misunderstanding, idiocy, seagulls eating donut holes, and even more idiocy.
So the Yellow Comet Soldiers return and crush all resistance.
END FLASHBACK
Lord Seth: Ha! I'm not so lazy after all, eh?
Sonja: You didn't go into much detail. All you did was say they "crushed all resistance".
Lord Seth: Stop complaining! Do you WANT to start dying over and over again?
Sonja: Not particularly.
Lord Seth: Exactly!
Sensei: Well, as long as no country launches a massive invasion with EWDs, we should be fine.
Yellow Comet Soldier: Bad news! Black Hole has launched an invasion with EWDs!
Kanbei: Gadzooks! Either Black Hole has managed to recover from our attack already, or the place we invaded wasn't really Black Hole!
Sonja: You're FINALLY coming to your senses.
Kanbei: You're right! Kanbei must have attacked Red Sun by mistake!
Sonja: Well, at least...wait, RED SUN?
Kanbei: Ah well. Red Sun was a bad country anyway.
Sonja: Red Sun doesn't exist.
Kanbei: And THAT little fact can prevent us from just having defeated them?
Sensei: Maybe it's just my senility kicking in, but shouldn't we be doing something other than just sitting here talking?
Kanbei: Must be your senility.
Sensei: Ah.
Sonja: Well, I'm sure we can't be completely doomed.
Lord Seth: Absolutely right! You'll be fine! Now excuse me as I leave for another country for a reason other than the fact I have "inside information" about our chances of survival.
Lord Seth runs off singing "She'll Be Coming Around The Mountain When She Doesn't Come".
Sonja: We're doomed.
-Blue Moon-
An alarm is sounding in the base.
Intercom: Everyone! Black Hole is attacking! Evacuate immediately! This is a drill! This is a drill!
Meanwhile, somewhere...
Eagle: Man, these adventures we've been having lately have been amazing!
Drake: Yeah, but we still never got to Orange Star to help them out.
Eagle: Who cares about Orange Star?
Jess: Uh, all the Orange Star people?
Eagle: I mean besides them.
Jess: Some nice and concerned people?
Eagle: I mean people who wouldn't normally care about it.
Jess: So you're asking who cares about Orange Star other than the people who care about it?
Eagle: Yep.
Jess: Uh...no one, I guess.
Eagle: My point exactly!
Was Eagle's logic horribly flawed? Will the EWDs finish off Yellow Comet? What adventures HAVE the Green Earth COs been having anyway? Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.875!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 109
(a.k.a. Warning! This story can cause -3 penalties to both Wisdom and Intelligence checks! But telling jokes from it to people can temporarily increase your Charisma stat by 2!)
And so our heroes return to Rogueport. Suddenly, they get another e-mail, but this time the "normal" music starts up, rather than the "spooky" music.
DM: Finally! I was getting tired of that "spooky" music.
This time the letter is from Peach, saying that she's discovered that the X-Nauts are planning to conquer the world using the Crystal Stars.
DM: Conquer the world?! They can't do that! If they conquer the world, I won't be able to!
Everyone stares at DM.
DM: Uh, did I say something? Nope, didn't say anything.
Max: Phew! For a minute there I thought you said something about you wanting to conquer the world.
DM: Well, we'd better get those Crystal Stars, both to make it so they can't conquer the world and so that it'll make it easy for me to do so.
Everyone stares at DM again.
DM: Um...
Max: Well, whatever DM said, it means nothing. Now to stand in front of the Thousand-Year Door and find out where we should go next!
Grit: Max, you played this game. Do you remember anything about what happens next?
DM: He's an idiot. He doesn't know-
Max: We go to Twilight Town. We try to enter the pipe but it rejects us. We find out there's something we have to do to gain access, which I will not reveal because it contains spoilers, despite the fact this story is full of spoilers anyway. After we do that, we enter the pipe, only to find out something weird is happening, which I again will not reveal due to spoilers. Then we go someplace, fight this one guy, get a new party member, fight the guy again, then get the Crystal Star somehow and leave. Then it's on to the next chapter! (pause) I think.
E. Gadd: Wow. I was thinking you had an Intelligence of only 3! It looks like you may be up to even 8!
Max: Really?
E. Gadd: Unfortunately, that bit at the end made me feel as if your Intelligence was only being temporarily raised. Someone must've cast Fox's Cunning on him, but then it wore off.
DM: You don't think it's more likely that Lord Seth just made him act smarter for a short period of time as a joke?
E. Gadd: I don't recall THAT being in the Player's Handbook.
Grit: The only reason he acts so stupid is because DM's power-ups have an adverse effect on personalities. It's the reason we act out of character.
E. Gadd: Hey, when was the last time those powers ended up benefiting us anyway? Give us the part number.
DM: Let's see...it was roughly in the ballpark of being approximately in the neighborhood of being around 50-ish.
E. Gadd: So why do we even keep you around? (short pause) Wait, don't answer that.
E. Gadd rolls a few dice.
E. Gadd: Darn it! We failed our Intelligence and Wisdom checks, so we don't know why we keep you around!
DM: I hate you so much right now.
E. Gadd: Darn it! I failed my Charisma check, didn't I?
Grit: Let's just go to the Thousand-Year Door already.
And so our heroes go to the Thousand-Year Door. On the way...
DM: Oh no! I just realized I forgot something important!
E. Gadd: What?
DM: I forgot to give Jolene that lecture on proper capitalization!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 110
(a.k.a. To Twilight Town!)
After some events that you would know about had you played the game...
Our heroes enter the pipe to Twilight Town.
CHAPTER 4: FOR PIGS THE BELL TOLLS
Our heroes now exit the pipe from Twilight Town.
E. Gadd: Ooh, it's all spooky here. I bet we can catch a ghost.
Max: I hate spooky things! They're too spooky!
Suddenly, the bell rings, and the Twilight Town resident who was talking to our heroes but whose dialogue we didn't bother to type turns into a pig.
E. Gadd: Did he just fail his Save vs. Polymorph check?
DM: No, but I think you failed your Save vs. Reality Check check.
E. Gadd: No I didn't. I rolled the die for that check just an hour ago. I didn't fail it.
DM: I rest my case.
Anyway, our heroes discover that every time a bell in the "Creepy Steeple" rings, someone in the town turns into a pig. And so our heroes set out for Creepy Steeple.
E. Gadd: Wow! A bell that can polymorph people with NO saving throw? It would be hard enough to put that into a Staff, but a BELL? Either the person must be a level 20 Polymorpher or they're using the Crystal Star to do it.
DM: They're using the Crystal Star, you idiot!
E. Gadd: Well, that makes the most sense anyway. There really aren't that many Level 20 Polymorphers now, mostly because they were all killed.
After some other stuff happens...
Grit: We're finally at Creepy Steeple.
Max: Wow! We did all sorts of stuff on the way here...we were nearly all killed, we got totally stumped at various intervals until I managed to remember out how to pass it...
DM: Only because I conked you until you DID remember.
E. Gadd: That's not what happened! I used an invention to figure it out!
DM: It blew up. The explosion was what nearly killed us.
E. Gadd: Ah, yes.
After progressing through Creepy Steeple quite a bit and freeing some 200 ghosts from a chest...
Grit: Why so glum, E. Gadd?
E. Gadd: After we let all those Ghosts out, now they're everywhere. It's TORTURE to see them all there and not be able to torture them horribly!
After several more events...
E. Gadd: All right! A long stairway! That's a dead giveaway we're going to fight a boss!
DM: That and the save block.
Max: I still say we should have used Tanks to get through.
Grit: Shut up.
Max: Okay.
After a quick trek up the stairs...and after we start up the part after the next part...
Read on!