Parts 111 to 120
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 111
Previously, something involving EWDs happened.
-Yellow Comet-
And so the EWDs all hit Yellow Comet, destroying (we can't say "kill" because this story is supposed to be G-rated...it's rated PG because of that one incident, so we're keeping it at G-rated throughout the rest of the story. So we cannot say "kill", only destroy. I know we've said "kill" plenty of times, but hey, what the joke needs, the joke gets) a rather large segment of the population. Then Black Hole invades Yellow Comet and takes the COs captive.
Black Hole Soldier: You do not have the right to remain silent. You do not have the right to an attorney. In fact, you have about as many rights as a stapler and I'm only giving you this speech as part of a joke. (pause) Man, I LOVE being a soldier of a military dictatorship. It's so nice to not have to worry about giving someone their Miranda rights.
Sensei: What are Mirand rights?
Black Hole Soldier: Well, first of all, they're MIRANDA rights.
Sensei: And secondly?
Black Hole Soldier: Enh.
-Orange Star-
Andy: Phew! Good thing all those Yellow Comet soldiers-
Sami: Man, Lord Seth can't be consistent, can he? Sometimes it'll be "Yellow Comet soldier" and sometimes "Yellow Comet Soldier". Why can't he keep it consistent?
Andy: Well, we managed to fight the remaining Yellow Comet Soldiers-
Sami: There it is again!
Andy: Let me finish! We fought off the Yellow Comet soldiers-
Sami: And again!
Andy: Forget it.
Sami: No, go on.
Andy: We fought off the you-know-whats and escaped.
Sami: Huh? The "you-know-whats"?
Andy: (sighs) Yellow Comet Soldiers.
Sami: And there it is yet again!
-Black Hole-
Sturm: Mwahahaha! Today, Yellow Comet! Tomorrow...a coffee break!
Hawke: Don't you mean "Tomorrow, the world"?
Sturm: Are you nuts? Do you know how hard it is to keep control of the entire world?
Hawke: That was your plan in Advance Wars 2!
Sturm: In case you haven't noticed, I'm an idiot!
Adder: Idiot? No, I would say you're an imbecile.
Lash: I disagree. I think lunatic is a better word.
Sturm: We'll compromise. I'm all three.
Flak: Ha! I'm all three AND a moron! I beat you! Hahahahahahahaha!
Lash: Flak? Could you go, I don't know, jump off a really high bridge with your mouth taped shut and a nose plug on, with your hands tied behind your back? It would really help us out.
Flak: All right!
Flak runs off.
Sturm: Well, I guess we should all go and do that.
Hawke: WHY?!
Sturm: You always ask "...and if Flak jumped off a bridge, would you?"
Adder: That joke didn't even make sense.
Sturm: Don't blame me, blame Lord Seth. Or alternatively, blame me.
Will Flak survive his "jumping off a bridge" adventure? Will the new cult "Thisisnotacultnoreallythisisnotacultism" gain more members? Was that question completely irrelevant? Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.8751
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 112
(a.k.a. Big Boss Battle)
Unseen Person: Hey, hang on there, Slick!
A weird guy in what sorta looks like a ghost costume is shown.
Weird Guy In What Sorta Looks Like A Ghost Costume: What are you doing, interrupting my "ME" time?
E. Gadd: Excellent! A ghost I CAN torture!
Max: Using my limited intelligence skills, I deduce this guy must be the person behind all of the bells and stuff.
Grit: In that case, let's fight him! But let's be sure to do it in a relaxing way.
Ghosty Guy Whose Name I Seem Unable To Not Change: Why do you need to pick a fight? I'm busy thinking up new pranks and stuff! It's not easy, either! Now get lost! ...Of course, you guys WON'T. No way you ninnies go away quietly, am I right?
DM: Definitely not after you put an ellipsis after an exclamation mark.
Ghosty Guy: Well, all right, then, Slick. Fine. Yes. I turned the villagers into pigs. Big deal.
DM: And fragmented sentences! He gets worse and worse!
Grit: Big deal?! Why'd you want to turn them into pigs, anyway? (pause) Oh no! The anger is making me unrelaxed!
Ghosty Guy: Well... You know, they're all so depressing and boring and dimwitted all the time... So instead of wallowing in gloom, I figured they might as well wallow in mud! HA! Now they're pigs, get it? Isn't that just sooo perfect? It's like irony, or something. You got a problem with that? I guess you do. So let's play, Slick!
DM: I have a problem with you incorrectly applying the idea of "irony" to this.
After a battle with "?????" (previously known as "Ghost Guy", previously known as "Ghosty Guy Whose Name I Seem Unable To Not Change", previously known as "Weird Guy In What Sorta Looks Like A Ghost Costume", previously known as "Unseen Person")...
????? is defeated and the cool "star music" plays. Our heroes grab the star while the brown/gray version of them ("?????" did some shapeshifting thing where he turned into a brown/gray version of them in the battle) is defeated.
END OF CHAPTER
Our heroes defeated the scourge of Creepy Steeple and found the fourth Crystal Star. The people of Twilight Town have surely recovered from their awful curse by now. At this rate, our heroes' quest to collect all seven Crystal Stars will be done in no time! With their back to Creepy Steeple, our heroes set out towards their bright future...
Our heroes and their partners leave. The purple version of our heroes then gets up. (did I say before that it was brown/gray? I meant purple). For some reason it's only showing this version of them. They, er, it, walk out and head towards Twilight Town...who knows what plans this evil being has?! WHO KNOWS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 113
(a.k.a. Rumplestiltskin Rip-Off)
Meanwhile, in Twilight Town...
The "Shadow Sirens" music starts up, and guess what? The Shadow Sirens are in Twilight Town! Apparently their plan is to use a "Superbombomb" to defeat our heroes. Unfortunately, Beldam loses it, and as usual, blames Vivian for it and tells Vivian she has to find it.
Meanwhile, the purple version of our heroes continues towards Twilight Town. I wonder why it's following the bad guy...maybe it's like when you played as Bowser? I digress. The purple version reaches the outskirts of Twilight Town. Who knows what evil nefarious deeds this evil and nefarious version plans to accomplish?! Who knows?! Anyway, once they reach the outskirts...
Unseen Person: Hey, what's up, Slick?! Been waiting for you!
What's this?! The normal versions of our heroes has appeared! (that was the person who was talking) But it's talking like the evil guy!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT'S GOING ON?! Well, either the evil guys' personality has rubbed off on our REAL heroes, or a dramatic plot twist has occurred!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Meanwhile...
Lord Seth: Did you forget to take your medication again? Because I remember you took it to prevent you from overusing exclamation marks.
NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lord Seth: Okay.
Back outside Twilight Town...
?????: Yeah, not only did I copy you guys, I also stole your bodies and identities! And I love it! But, I'll give you one chance to guess my name, and if you do, I'll give you your body and identity back.
NOTE: ????? uses all of our heroes' bodies to speak, but because I'm too lazy to show that, I'll just be writing "?????".
E. Gadd: Easy. We just wait for him to stupidly reveal his name when he doesn't think anyone is listening.
DM: Although the chances of you remembering it are low, do you remember what his name is, Max?
Max: I remember! His name is Doo...doo...doo...
DM: You can't remember.
Max: I do! I just can't say that letter for some reason!
Grit: What letter?
Max: You know...uh...well, I can't say it, but it's the one between the "o" and the "q".
DM: Oh, come on. I can say it. It's...it's...uh...Aaah! I can't say it either!
E. Gadd: He must've cast an Erase Memory spell on us to make us forget how to use that letter.
Grit: You just used it in the word "spell".
DM: That's because Lord Seth doesn't bother to check over every single word.
Max: Well, let's try something anyway.
Our heroes guess a totally random name, which doesn't work. They fight against Doopliss (might as well say his name here), but they can't damage him so they run away into Twilight Town.
Grit: Darn it! What are we going to do? It's SO unrelaxing to have your body and identity stolen.
Our heroes find Vivian, who's still searching for the "Superbombomb". Our heroes by pure luck manage to work together enough to find it.
Max: Let's see...we have to give the Superbombomb to Vivian.
Grit: Are you nuts? Isn't she evil?
E. Gadd: I think she's only Lawful Evil. That's not too bad.
DM: If it gives us back our identities, I don't care!
And so our heroes give it to Vivian, except it's broken. She gets all distressed about it. DM tries to cheer up Vivian by showing an extremely rare act of kindness.
DM: Aw, don't feel bad. I'm sure everything will be OK.
Vivian: What's your names, anyway? Won't you tell me?
DM: ...
DM's statement, "...", which involves raising his hand, somehow conveys everything.
Vivian: Your NAMES were stolen? That's absolutely crazy!
E. Gadd: Not any more crazy than the rest of this adventure, you know.
DM: Well, it's not as crazy as you may think. With identity theft on the rise, more and more people are having their identities stolen...it's not as rare as you may think!
After a bunch of stuff (and help from Vivian, who has apparently joined their party. WOW! THAT was a plot twist!), our heroes manage to discover the evil guy's name is Doopliss, which they already knew. More importantly, they manage to find the "Letter P". And that's where we'll end this part.
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 114
Previously, the Orange Star COs got freed and the Yellow Comet COs got captured by Black Hole.
-Black Hole-
Sturm: All right! Now that Yellow Comet is under our grasp, it is time to focus our attention on Green Earth.
Hawke: I thought you said you weren't planning on conquering the whole world.
Sturm: I'm not. I just want to conquer all of the LAND in the world. I don't give a rip about the oceans.
Hawke sighs.
Flak: Why are we going to attack Green Earth?
Sturm: Flak! Back from your jumping off a bridge adventure, I see!
Flak: It was really weird. I bound my hands like you told me to and all, then jumped into the water. So I couldn't breath or swim. Then there was this weird thing with a tunnel and a light. And I can't remember the rest. And now I'm a member of the new religion "Thisisnotacultnoreallythisisnotacultism"!
Sturm: Even though I'm an idiot, isn't that, like, a cult?
Flak: Of course not! It even says that in its name!
Sturm: What are its central beliefs?
Flak: Let's see...to give 120% of all of my possessions and income to it...to do whatever the people above me tell me to do without thinking...and to lose all sense of identity. I'm not even supposed to answer to "Flak" now.
Adder: Really, Flak?
Flak: AAAHHH! YOU'RE TESTING MY FAITH! BEGONE, EVIL ONE!
Flak hits Adder, knocking Adder out.
Flak: On the plus side, violence is allowed if it's for the cause. Isn't "Thisisnotacultism" great?
Lash: I thought it was "Thisisnotacultnoreallythisisnotacultism"
Flak: Yeah, but we call it Thisisnotacultism for short.
-Green Earth-
Green Earth Citizen: THE BLACK HOLE ARMY IS ATTACKING! AND THE ARMY AND COS ARE STILL NOT BACK!
Green Earth Citizen 2: What is "COS"?
Green Earth Citizen: "COs" said with emphasis.
Green Earth Citizen 2: Ah.
Green Earth Citizen: Where was I? Oh, yes. WHERE ARE THEY?!
Meanwhile, somewhere else...
Jess: Don't you think we should get back to Green Earth?
Eagle: Nah. These adventures are too fun! And it's not like Blue Moon is going to invade us for no reason.
Drake: Yep.
-Blue Moon-
Olaf: Let us invade Green Earth!
Grit: Olaf, one, that's not a nice thing to do, and two, Black Hole is already invading them.
Olaf: Yeah! Why let Black Hole have all the fun?
Grit: So you'll be sacrificing the lives of our soldiers for "fun".
Olaf: Yep. After all, they don't even have names.
Grit: What?
Olaf: All of their names are "Blue Moon Soldier" followed by some number. They don't HAVE identities!
Grit: I think Lord Seth is trying to make a joke on the "Actual-people-are-killed-in-war-but-it's-never-serious-in-this-story" idea but is doing a really lousy job of it.
Lord Seth: Hey, YOU be the writer!
Grit: Really?
Lord Seth: No.
-Black Hole-
Sturm: The invasion goes well, I see.
Flak: I can't believe they got rid of Thisisnotacultism! Man, just have a fanatical religious group kill a few hundred people for not joining it and suddenly everyone's in an uproar.
Are we treading a wee bit too far in our jokes? Is the "one-classic-part-for-every-adventure-part" a bad system? Should we change it to every other part for each? Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.875!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 115
(a.k.a. The Name Game)
Max: All right! Now I can actually say the guy's name! It's...Doopliss!
Grit: We all already knew that.
Max: Oh.
And so our heroes go back to Doopliss and guess his name again. This time they correctly guess Doopliss-
DM: Guess? We KNEW it was Doopliss!
Fine. They correctly SAY that it's Doopliss.
Doopliss: What did you just say?!?
E. Gadd: Darn it! When it's just text, you can't make it do that cool thing where it moves around like in the game?
Doopliss (as always, as if they never interrupted): It can't be...
Doopliss quickly runs away. Our heroes and Vivian follow him to Creepy Steeple. Vivian finds out who our heroes really are and joins up with them because...well, it's definitely better than getting blamed for everything by Beldam! Play the game for the full scoop. Anyway, the rest of the partners, who are somehow gullible enough to fall for Doopliss's trick (hello? He's ONLY acting just like the evil guy!), fight our heroes and Vivian, but our heroes end up defeating Doopliss. Doopliss is forced to reveal his true self, and our heroes turn back into how they normally look instead of that weird purple color. Doopliss runs away, all the partners realize they were tricked and return, and we get the Crystal Star...for REAL this time.
END OF CHAPTER
Our heroes defeated the rogue who had stolen their name and appearance. Now they have four Crystal Stars. That leaves a mere three more to find! And THAT means their quest to collect all of the Crystal Stars is more than half over! Now they head off toward their next adventure with their new friend, Vivian... ...But what about Beldam and Marilyn? And what became of the doppelganger, Doopliss?
Meanwhile, in Twilight Town...
Beldam: Vivian is so VERY late! Where has that scatterbrain been all this time?
Marilyn: Guhhhh...
Doopliss runs right past the two.
Meanwhile, wherever the X-Nauts are...
Grodus: Are you sure about this? Speak up, X-Naut!
X-Naut: Yes, sir, quite sure. I pored over all our research of the Thousand-Year Door...And it appears the sealing power has definitely been weakening, as Beldam said.
Grodus: Finally, the treasure of legend... The ancient power of darkness will soon be ours! Listen, and listen well! Keep giving the Crystal Star search top priority! Of course, that also includes the elimination of Mario! That meddling scum...
X-Naut: Got it, sir! But isn't it actually four people, and none of their names are Mario?
Grodus: Silence! Do you question my authority?
X-Naut: Uh...no sir. I'm leaving right now.
The X-Naut leaves.
Grodus: Soon I will have the power that has slept for a millennium... So very soon! And when that glorious day dawns, I'll throw the world into the depths of terror! No one can stop me now. All will kneel before the X-Naut regime! And then I, Grodus, will build a new world! A perfect, ideal world... Yes. A world made by me, about me, and for me! GAAACK ACK ACK ACK ACK!
Meanwhile...
Lord Seth: Scary, huh?
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 116
(a.k.a. Next Chapter, Here We Come!)
Meanwhile...
Hawke: Well, we've found out about a great secret in the floating town of Glitzville.
Sturm: What�s the secret?
Hawke: Well, if I knew, it wouldn�t be a secret, would it? Well, let's ride the Cheep Blimp now.
Hawke goes up to the Cheep Cheep attendant guy.
Hawke: Can we have two tickets?
Cheep Cheep Attendant: AAAAAHHH! LIFE IS TOO SHORT!
The Attendant runs off.
Hawke: Why do we never get this reaction back on Wars World?
Sturm: Yeah! Anyway, I'm going to Glitzville on a weird copter thing that has a clown's face on it.
Hawke: Where'd you get that?
Sturm: I don't know.
Sturm flies off to Glitzville but the copter malfunctions and he falls into the ocean.
Sturm: I knew I should have gotten one that wasn't only made out of paper!
Sturm tries to go through a watery level but sinks to his doom.
Sturm: Ouch. Dying hurts. Good thing I didn't actually die for some random reason.
Sturm gets through the level and finds himself at Rogueport. Hawke is there.
Hawke: THERE you are! I've been looking all over for you so I could confirm your death and take charge of the Black Hole army! Where have you been?
Sturm: Swimming.
Hawke: Hope you had fun! Glitzville was great! The fights! The hot dogs! Everything! It actually made me forget I was evil for a while and let me enjoy things! How about you? Did you have fun?
Sturm: METEOR STRIKE!
A meteor hits Hawke, but strangely leaves everything else intact. Well, meteors didn't destroy cities in Advance Wars 1 and 2, so...
Hawke: I take that as a "no"?
Sturm: Just get me information on Peach and the Crystal Stars!
Meanwhile...
Our heroes are apologized to by the guy in charge of Twilight Town. They leave and after a bunch of events, leave for Keelhaul Key (where the next Crystal Star is) in a ship.
CHAPTER 5: THE KEY TO PIRATES
Unfortunately, our heroes end up shipwrecked on a deserted island. Or at least it APPEARS deserted...mwahaha. Mwahahahaha! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
DM: Shut up.
Yes sir.
Anyway, after starting a new paragraph and having our heroes go through some stuff (we're trying to skip the most possible things in this chapter), our heroes bring Chuckola Cola (or whatever it was called) to Bobbery, as it was his last wish. He drinks it and APPARENTLY dies, but because this is a kid's game (well, based on a kid's game) Bobbery turns out to just be sleeping and joins our heroes' party. There's a bit of dialogue that's pretty funny, but if you want to see it, PLAY THE GAME. Or, alternatively, just read this part with the dialogue rewritten.
Grit: I think he's just sleeping, not dead.
Max jumps on Bobbery's head. He wakes up groggily.
Bobbery: Wow...you guys have adventures in the afterlife, also?
DM: This isn't the afterlife. And if it is, we must have been VERY bad in our past life.
Max: Well said!
Grit: I think you're being too negative, DM.
Max: Well said!
E. Gadd: Are you going to say "Well said!" in response to everything we say?
Max: Well said!
DM: Who didn't see THAT coming?
Max: Well said!
DM: I hate you.
Max: Well said!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 117
Previously, Black Hole invaded Green Earth, which is defenseless because the Green Earth COs and army are away having zany adventures.
-Blue Moon-
Grit: We've got a protest on our hands.
Olaf: Oh?
Grit: The soldiers are mad they don't have names. So they're having a "day of silence" to protest it.
Olaf: Maybe I don't get it because I'm an idiot, but why would they protest it with SILENCE?
Grit: Something about how the fact they don't have names has "silenced" them.
Olaf: So they're protesting silence with more silence.
Grit: Yep.
Olaf: Well, send a counter-protest of soldiers who don't mind the fact they're only known as "Blue Moon Soldiers" and not having an actual name.
And so the loyal soldiers have a counter-protest. In response, the already-protesting soldiers decide to protest the protest of the protest by going on a hunger fast, as do the other side. So each side protests the protest of the other, which was in fact a protest of a previous protest. The protests keep getting more and more extreme until they protest by leaving the story and never returning.
-Black Hole-
Sturm: Now that we have conquered Green Earth-
Hawke: We haven't conquered it yet.
Sturm: Now that we have almost conquered Green Earth-
Hawke: We haven't almost conquered it.
Sturm: Now that we are in the process of conquering Green Earth-
Hawke: All of our forces got thrown back.
Sturm: Why?! The COs and army were gone!
Hawke: A Black Hole appeared and sucked all our troops in. Then it sucked itself into itself.
Lash: That makes no sense!
Sturm: Yeah, and don't we like Black Hole?
Hawke: We like Black Hole. Just not Black Holes.
Sturm seems to try to consider this. Then his head explodes.
Lash: Darn it, we overloaded his robot clone again.
How can a robot be a clone, or, alternatively, how can a clone be a robot? What's been happening in Yellow Comet lately? How about Orange Star? What am I even talking about again? Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.875!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 118
(a.k.a. Tropical Trials)
Having dispensed with the pointless dialogue, Bobbery is the next person to join our heroes' party. After some more adventuring that we're going to not describe because this Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door parody has been going on too long anyway...
Our heroes are now in a ship. Some spooky voice says something about how it's "Too late" to turn back (said spooky voice told them to go away earlier).
DM: Let me guess. We're going to be stupid and enter the door anyway?
Max: Absolutely!
DM: If we die, I'm going to blame you. And finally be happy.
They all enter the room through the door. They find a weird pirate ghost guy named Cortez. Battle starts. Midway through the battle, Cortez sucks the souls (or life force, I don't know) out of some of the audience members.
DM: Darn it! And just when I was thinking I could start charging them money again...
After some more battle and having defeated (but unfortunately not destroyed) Cortez...
Cortez: Haha! You cannot kill that which is already dead!
Max: That wasn't from the game.
Cortez: Shut up! I was paraphrasing!
DM: Uh, we just want that little star thing.
Cortez: Oh, just that? Sure. I didn't really like it that much anyway.
And so our heroes get the Crystal Star and the cool music plays again...
END OF CHAPTER
Cortez, scourge of the seas... Our heroes soundly defeated this fearful spirit and claimed the Crystal Star. Perhaps the peaceful citizens of the world no longer need fear Cortez and his fell ship... The only problem remaining is how our heroes will escape this isolated island...And could there be another problem still, hiding beneath our heroes' noses?
Rather than, as usual, cutting to Peach here, we stay back with our heroes.
Cortez: Well, that should do it! If you don't need anything else, away with you, amigo!
Our heroes leave the ship and return to their camp, where they meet Flavio, who you would know of had you played the game. All of a sudden, they hear some explosions and some good music starts...
After starting another paragraph, we see a ship that's attacking them! One of the weird sailors that was with them turns out to be Lord Crump!
DM: HOW did we miss that? It was such a bad disguise!
E. Gadd: We failed our Intelligence checks.
DM: What?
E. Gadd: When I realized who he was, I rolled a die to see if we would succeed in an Intelligence check. We didn't, unfortunately.
DM: YOU KNEW THIS WHOLE TIME AND DIDN'T TELL US?!
E. Gadd: Hello? I can't act on knowledge if I didn't succeed in my Intelligence checks!
DM: I want to kill you.
Grit: Seriously, how did we miss that?
Max: One of his horns was folded down! It was a brilliant disguise!
E. Gadd: Yeah, but, you know how Intelligence checks are.
Suddenly, Flavio comes up with the idea of asking Cortez for his ship.
E. Gadd: Yay! He succeeded in his Intelligence checks!
DM: Shut up or I'll kill you.
And so they go back to Cortez and request assistance. They get his help, but Flavio has to give up his prized gem that he really likes. Regardless, Cortez and his crew of blue ghost thingies come out in his ship and a naval battle ensues between him and Lord Crump! It's amazing! Astonishing! It's like that Pirate of the Caribbean ride at Disney Quest except without all the virtual reality stuff! Anyway, while the battle goes on between the blue ghosts and the X-Nauts, our heroes fight Lord Crump and win (well, what did you expect? I ALREADY did that "Game Over" gag!). So Lord Crump leaves, defeated. And NOW we cut to the X-Nauts.
Grodus: You blew it again, Lord Crump. You sicken me.
Lord Crump: Look, I'm sorry. Seriously. We thought... We thought we had the guy cornered, but...
Grodus: Stop talking, Lord Crump. You just stand by until my next order. And, Lord Crump? Think of this as your last chance. Understand?
Lord Crump: Roger that.
Grodus: Then leave.
Lord Seth: Uh, first of all, he's on a hologram. He doesn't really "leave". And why do you keep berating him for failing when you yourself don't go and fight our heroes?
Grodus: SEIZE HIM!
Lord Seth: Uh...bye!
Lord Seth runs away.
Grodus: Find him and when you do, kill him. Oh, and tell the Shadow Sirens to attack Mario again, and not to fail this time.
X-Naut Soldier: You got it, sir.
Grodus: Mario have five stars...and I only have one. I must take some measures.
Lord Seth runs in.
Lord Seth: THEY�RE NOT MARIO! WHY DO YOU NOT GET THAT?
Lord Seth runs out.
Grodus: That guy is even more annoying than Mario.
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 119
(a.k.a. Another Boring Peach Scene)
TEC, who you would have known about had you played the game (man that gag is getting old), calls Peach in again. As you would have known if you had played the game, he's sort of giving Peach information that she can send to Mario because...oh, just play the freaking game. Basically, he (if you can call a computer a "he") wants Peach to sneak into Grodus' room and steal a data disk, which TEC doesn't have access to. Apparently TEC wants to know what's on it. Then he gives her some "instructions". Woo, Mission: Impossible time! Uh, they involve sneaking into this lab. Once there, Peach finds out she's supposed to help make a potion that will make her invisible so she can sneak into there.
Peach: Well, this can't be too hard, can it?
Peach tries to make the potion but accidentally makes one that makes her shrink, but she gets back to normal and tries again. And again. And again. Oh, and don't come down too hard on her...she has to have the potion heated for exactly 30 seconds--not even a nanosecond off, okay? It's harder than it was in the game, okay? It's not easy to get it that exact, okay? And, of course, TEC for some reason can't do it for her, okay?
Peach: Well, it can't take too long for me to get this right, right?
One Year Later...
Peach: Okay, I think I've FINALLY almost-
Some X-Naut Soldiers come into the room.
X-Naut Soldier: How did you get here?!
Peach: Uh...the internet?
X-Naut Soldier: I suppose that makes sense. But next time you escape, tell us where you're going, would you? We've been looking for you for a year!
And so the X-Naut Soldiers take Peach back to wherever she was being held.
One Year Earlier, in Twilight Town...
Sturm: What's this place? And why is the light so weird here?
Hawke: Being the evil lord of doom that you are, I assume you like this?
Sturm: No way! I'm afraid of the dark!
Hawke takes out a piece of paper and writes something on it.
Sturm: What are you doing?
Hawke: Taking notes on an unrelated manner. Now can we find that Crystal Star?
Sturm: Look! That guy that looks like Lord Crump, who I've never met! Let's talk to him!
Bowser goes over and talks to him, or at least tries, but Lord Crump isn't listening and just grabs the Superbombomb or whatever it was called. You know, the one Beldam lost. Then Crump and Sturm get into a fight, and Crump summons a bunch of X-Nauts. Then Sturm summons a bunch of Black Hole Soldiers. Crump throws the Superbombomb at Sturm, but it doesn't go off, because it broke (remember a while back when it broke?).
Sturm: That didn't even go off! Watch!
Sturm, who somehow suddenly has fire breath, breathes fire onto it. It explodes and everyone is blasted away.
Sturm: In retrospect, that may not have been the smartest thing to do...
Hawke: You THINK?!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 120
Previously, Black Hole's attack on wherever they were attacking failed.
-Black Hole-
Adder: Sturm! Reports of mysterious disappearances have come out all across Wars World! Apparently, people completely disappeared all of a sudden, but their clothes were...KEPT BEHIND!
There is a pause.
Hawke: Lash?
Lash: Yes?
Hawke: See to it that Lord Seth never sees the "Thank God, It's Doomsday" episode of The Simpsons ever again.
Lash leaves.
Hawke: Let's take stock. Who here has disappeared?
Adder: Not me.
Sturm: Well, Lash and I are here. Well, Lash isn�t here as in right here, but she�s here on this planet. Where's Flak?
There is a pause.
Flak: I DISAPPEARED, DIDN'T I?!
Flak starts sobbing.
Hawke: I never know what to say to things like that.
-Yellow Comet-
Kanbei: What was with all those disappearances?
Sensei: According to totally unconfirmed sources, it was something called the "Raptor".
Kanbei: Huh?
Sensei: Some people believe that everyone who fits in a certain category, which we apparently don't, will be abducted to somewhere else because of the Raptor.
Kanbei: Well, you and I are here. Where's Sonja?
Sensei: She seems to have disappeared.
Kanbei: Does that mean she wasn�t...KEPT BEHIND?!
Sensei: No, it probably means she was killed and this is one of those "in-between" stages before she mysterious appears again and we forget the fact she died.
Kanbei: Ah.
Sensei: Why is "Raptor" capitalized anyway?
Kanbei: Keyboard error on Lord Seth's part?
Sensei: Ah.
Kanbei: So what was the point of the Raptor anyway?
Sensei: Apparently it's to spare people the horrors of the Adoptaclypse. Apparently it's when there will be mass adoptions.
Kanbei: People were abducted to prevent them from being adopted?
Sensei: Lord Seth's just getting worse and worse, isn't he?
-Orange Star-
Newsperson: From all across Wars World, reports of strange disappearances have been going on! Some people claim that it was because of the Raptor. I don't know how a dinosaur caused those disappearances, though, but hey, who cares? Anyway, studies show that a certain percent of the population has disappeared. And now back to the actual news.
-Black Hole-
Sturm: So, uh, why were we �kept behind�?
Hawke: Well, it may have been the fact we're evil and never do anything nice except by accident. Because apparently it's good people who were abducted.
Sturm: Darn it! I knew I should've donated 1� to that charity! So, what can we do to avoid whatever bad things that are supposedly going to happen in the future.
Hawke: What bad things?
Sturm: It's the Raptor. I assume that means a bunch of velociRAPTORS will all attack and make life a living heck. So how do we spare ourselves that?
Flak: Kill ourselves?
Sturm: What's the point of that?
Flak: It would save us from a lot of pain.
There is a pause.
Sturm: Oh, darn it! I forgot how the rest of the joke was supposed to go!
(Part of the story which was a joke about suicide that some people may have found offensive was edited out and replaced with this waste of space)
Lord Seth, whose entrance we didn't see due to the part that was cut out, snaps his fingers and all the disappeared people are back. Unfortunately, they were all transported to exactly where they were before, and as other people took their clothes, the people who came back end up naked and are all arrested for indecent exposure.
Lord Seth: Well, now to watch that "Thank God, It's Doomsday" episode of The Simpsons again. Now, if...ack!
Lord Seth collapses. Lash has just stuck a shot into him.
Lash: Ah, yes. He'll be knocked out until the next part. And by then he'll have completely forgotten about that episode and we'll be spared his stupid parodies on parodies. OR WILL WE?!
Lash exits.
Will Lord Seth forget? Did this part end up being completely pointless? Will our heroes ever end up collecting the seven Crystal Stars? Was that a reference to the wrong story? Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.875!
Read on!