Parts 81 to 90
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 81
Previously, I did a useless previously, much like this one.
-Orange Star-
Nell: It's so nice to know we're safe from those aliens. I wonder if any of the other countries have sacrificed any of their COs to the alien invaders.
Lord Seth: Because it's annoying to cut to all the countries, the answer is no. Well, Hawke TRIED to get Sturm sacrificed, but you can't sacrifice your superior, so...
Andy: Would you quit popping up all the time?
Lord Seth: Sorry. I can't help it.
Meanwhile, on the news...
Newsperson: Well, Orange Star, at least, is safe from the invasion while the war against the aliens raged on in the other countries. But according to recent evidence, there is another alien invasion going on, even in Orange Star! This one is a silent invasion, so to speak. Basically, these weird slug-like aliens go into people's ears, enter their brains, and then take control of their body. There is no way to tell if someone is being controlled or not. Sources indicate that the amount of people being controlled by these aliens is increasing at a rapid rate. At the current rate of infestation, we could all be under their control in a matter of weeks. And now for the weather.
-Green Earth-
Eagle: Figures aliens will invade JUST when we were starting to get more screen time due to our invasion of Black Hole. We could protect Green Earth if we sacrificed one of our COs, but I can't.
Drake: Because you care too much about us, right?
Eagle: No, because that's the easy way out. I say we fight the aliens and defeat them the hard way, even if it takes the lives of half of our army to do it!
Drake: Maybe we should just do the sacrificing instead...
Eagle: Are you saying you WANT to be sacrificed?
Drake: Not really. How about Jess?
Eagle: I'm not suggesting it to her. She'd probably whack me with that giant pencil of hers. You give it a try.
Drake: Well, let's forget the sacrificing, then.
Lord Seth: Wait a minute! I said we didn't have to bother going to all the countries!
Eagle: Your point is?
Lord Seth: Uh...um...forget it.
-Blue Moon-
Olaf: Grit! We must find a way to repel the aliens' attack!
Grit: Uh...they haven't attacked us yet.
Olaf: But they're going to!
Grit: Well, to "repel" an attack, doesn't the attack have to actually start?
Olaf: I don't know! I have a vocabulary of three words!
Grit: You just used nine words.
Olaf: Oh. A vocabulary of nine words, then.
Grit: You just used two new words.
Olaf: NOTHING MAKES SENSE ANYMORE!
Olaf has a nervous breakdown and starts crying. Colin comes in.
Colin: I think I may have discovered the Achilles' heel of the aliens' force!
Grit: Really? What?
Colin: The heel!
Grit: What?
Colin: Yeah! According to my research based on completely unconfirmed sources, the aliens are weak in the heel.
Grit: Uh...I think the best plan might to just have a lot of Rockets and Missiles around Blue Moon. That way, if they ever try to approach, we can just destroy them before they get close. That is, of course, assuming I'm in charge. Otherwise our indirect units won't be as strong.
Olaf: YOU CAN BE IN CHARGE! JUST MAKE THE CONFUSING STUFF GO AWAY!
Colin: Should we worry about him, sir?
Grit: Nah. He gets like this at least once a week.
Will Wars World repel the invasion? Will they NOT repel the invasion? Will Wars World do something other than repelling or not repelling the invasion? Is it just me, or did we forget something in this part? Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.875!
Lord Seth: I'm bored, so let's continue on with this part a bit more.
You mean I did all those questions for nothing?
Lord Seth: Uh, yeah.
-Alien Spaceship-
Evil Alien Leader: This conflict bores me. Let's just put an end to it.
Evil Alien (not leader): Okay!
So the alien spaceship aims a giant laser at Wars World. It hits it, killing everyone on it.
Evil Alien Leader: Wait. I thought we were supposed to spare Orange Star.
Evil Alien: (slaps self) Oh, I forgot to set it so we wouldn't!
Evil Alien Leader: Well, I'm sure they're in a better place.
Evil Alien: Where?
Evil Alien Leader: Somewhere that's not in this story!
Lord Seth: And so everyone on Wars World was killed. And that's the end of this story. Well, at least we topped both Advance Wars 2.5 AND 2.75 in terms of length.
Evil Alien Leader: Not that I care or anything, as I'm evil, but if everyone's dead, how can we have an Advance Wars 2.9375?
Lord Seth: I'll think of something by then.
The End
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 82
(a.k.a. This Is a Rather Random Part Name)
Our heroes are all at the save block.
Grit: Let's just continue on, shall we? All of this walking and-
DM: Wait, weren't we just killed in an explosion?
Grit: Huh? What are you talking about?
DM: We were in this tree, it exploded and it killed us all, but now we're all back here! What's going on?
Max: What the heck are you talking about? The last thing we did was save our game.
DM: But...but...
E. Gadd: Your imagination is getting really weird. Even weirder than usual. I think we'd remember something like being killed in an explosion! Now let's go into that next room.
In the next room, Lord Crump hears our heroes coming in and hides, and a bunch of stuff happens. Suffice to say, he steals the Crystal Star and sets it so that the tree will explode in 5 minutes. Our heroes quickly try to find their way out.
DM: We should go this way!
Max: Man, you're good at this. It's almost like you already went through this whole thing.
Our heroes, mostly due to DM's help-
DM: Just mostly? You're giving me too little credit!
Shut up! Anyway, mostly due to DM's help, they manage to make it to the exit just in time, only to find that Lord Crump's escape route has been blocked by the Puni Elder. Seeing his escape route is blocked and that our heroes have caught up with him, he shuts off the timer.
Lord Crump: Don't think you've won.
Lord Seth, er, I mean, Lord CRUMP, then brings out this giant robot and does battle with our heroes. To make a short story even shorter, our heroes beat him, he loses the Crystal Star and runs off along with all the X-Nauts, and our heroes get the star. In a cool sequence, the Star floats above them and they grab it. Now for the cool end-of-chapter sequence, which unfortunately loses its coolness when reduced to mere text.
END OF CHAPTER
And so, after pummeling Lord Crump, our heroes obtained the second Crystal Star...With the X-Nauts gone, peace once again prevailed throughout the Great Tree. The Boggly Woods echoed with the Puni songs of joy. But...this may not be the last our heroes hear from the vile X-Nauts. They will surely continue to stand in our heroes' way and try to put a stop to their efforts...
After a somewhat pointless scene with Grodus...
After yet another rather boring sequence with Peach...
Sturm: Okay, so the Crystal Star is over there?
Hawke: Yes.
Sturm then goes through a level that's a parody of the Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door parody of the classic Super Mario Bros. games. After arriving in Petalburg...
Koopa: Hello, sir. Welcome to...AAAAHHH! YOU'RE STURM! EVERYONE, HIDE!
The Koopa rushes off.
Sturm: Oh, why don't I get that reaction back on Wars World?
Hawke: Don't forget we're supposed to be looking for Princess Peach.
Sturm: Wait. I thought we were after the Crystal Stars.
Hawke: We're after both.
Sturm: Why do we want Peach?
Hawke: We're supposed to be like Bowser and Kammy from Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door! Of COURSE we're after Peach!
Sturm: What does Peach look like?
Hawke: Uh...pink dress...blond hair...crown?
Sturm: Oh, that over there? No, wait, that's just a poster. Oh well.
There's a long pause.
Hawke: Weren't you supposed to mistake the poster for the actual Princess Peach?
Sturm: Huh? Why would I do that?
Hawke: Never mind. Forget it.
Sturm: Well, now let's go...somewhere else.
Back to our heroes...
Our heroes say goodbye to the Punis and leave Boggly Woods for Rogueport. On their way back, though, they get an E-Mail.
DM: Read it!
E. Gadd: It might be spam! Or worse, have a virus!
DM: Just read it!
They open the e-mail. It's a letter from Peach talking about how the X-Nauts are looking for the Crystal Stars.
Grit: Wait. It says this is her second letter. Whatever happened to the first?
E. Gadd: Oh. My spam filter must have blocked it.
Everyone glares at E. Gadd.
E. Gadd: What?
DM: I'm uninstalling it.
DM uninstalls the spam filter.
E. Gadd: Fine, but if we get overloaded with spam, don't blame me!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 83
(a.k.a. The Part After Part 82)
So our heroes finally make it back to Rogueport and stand in front of the Thousand-Year Door. The map they have changes to show a city high up in the clouds. Then they all somehow warp to Professor Frankly. He talks on about how the Thousand-Year Door has been sealed shut for a thousand years (that's where it gets its name, if you can't tell) by the Crystal Stars. Then Frankly mentions the city must be Glitzville, but to get there they have to use a blimp from Rogueport, but they need a pass to board the blimp, which they have to get from Don Pianta.
DM: Pianta Mafia? Now I've REALLY seen almost everything!
Grit: So how the heck do we even FIND this Don Pianta?
Max: Use tanks! Just smash through all the walls until you find him.
Grit: Why do our partners never seem to talk much?
DM: Oh, since Koops is the most quiet, I only have him out. The rest therefore don't talk.
Koops: So, how are we going to find this Don Pianta guy?
Max: I still say we go with the tank idea. You just can't go wrong with tanks.
Grit: We don't have any tanks with us.
Max: Oh...right...
Grit: And Artillery and Rockets would get the job done better anyway.
Max: Tanks!
Grit: Artillery and Rockets! And Missiles are also sometimes good.
Max: Tanks are still so much better.
Grit: I'm not getting into this argument again. Arguments are so...unrelaxing. Hey, where'd everyone go?
Max: I'm here!
Grit: I meant E. Gadd and DM.
Max: But you said "everyone". Shouldn't that include me?
Grit: It's a figure of speech! And hey, isn't DM the one who's supposed to take things literally?
Max: Yeah, but he wasn't here, and SOMEONE had to say it.
DM and E. Gadd enter.
DM: While you two were babbling on about Tanks and Artillery, we-
Max: No, it was Tanks, Artillery, AND ROCKETS.
DM: Whatever! We got the Blimp ticket!
Grit: How?
E. Gadd: I'm about to tell you...but you'll have to wait until the next part.
DM: No, next part is 84, which is divisible by 3 and thus doesn't have this story in it. You mean the part after that one.
Max: CURSE YOU, TWO-STORY FORMAT! CURSE YOU!!!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 84
Previously, everyone on Wars World was killed off by a laser the aliens had. Wait, why is this story even continuing if that's so?
Lord Seth: Yeah, good point. Ah well. See you in Advance Wars 2.9375!
It fades to black. We then zoom out to reveal the whole thing was just a movie.
Colin (in the audience): That was one of the worst endings for a movie I've ever seen in my life.
Lord Seth: I know! Even I could have done better than that!
Everyone stares at Lord Seth.
Lord Seth: What?
Sturm: I can't believe I paid $5 to see that. It was incredibly stupid. And the ending was terrible. Even I'M smart enough to see that.
Hawke: And 27 parts long? We deserve to at least have a halfway decent ending after all that.
Flak: I disagree. We deserved at least a three-fourth decent ending.
Eagle: Yeah, and-
Drake: We're out of time for complaints.
Eagle: Darn.
Sturm: Well, in retaliation to the badness of that movie's ending, I will METEOR STRIKE!
Adder: Sturm you idiot! That'll kill us also!
Sturm: Oh. I didn't think of that. Oh well. Too late.
A giant meteor comes by. It completely destroys the theater.
Andy: Ow. That hurt.
Grit: We're alive after a meteor hit us?
Sturm (slaps self): Silly me. I forgot that attack never kills anything. We're all just badly wounded. REALLY badly wounded. Let's get out of here before people start to poke each other, which is probably just enough to kill them off.
Lash: Shouldn't we just poke everyone to kill them all off?
Sturm: I would, but that's such a cheap way of killing them.
Hawke: I know. I'll kill Sturm in a more creative fashion.
Sturm: You want to kill me?
Hawke: Um...
Sturm: Must've been my imagination again. I keep hearing you talk about killing me...I should see a doctor.
And so everyone goes back to their own countries...and stuff.
Lord Seth: Well, that was yet another cop-out by me so I didn't have to continue with the alien invasion. You'll probably see many more cop-outs to come. To continue with my theme of recycled ideas, here's...uh...a recycled idea. No, we should do more. Let's see...reduce, reuse, recycle. So I'll reuse the idea! Sure sounds better than "recycle". I wonder what the difference really is. Well, outside of the story, "reuse" would seem to mean using the same thing multiple times, while "recycle" is changing it to something else (possibly a new version of whatever it was before) and THEN using it. So does what I'm doing fall under "reuse" or "recycle"? Let's see...you know, I should reduce, also. But reduce what? Well, I seem to have that covered, as I'm only doing this every third part. So reducing is down. Now back to reusing and recycling. Is this reusing or recycling? Let's see...man, it seems to fall between the two of them. I guess I'm reuscycling! That's not a word, but hey, that doesn't matter! You know, as long as I'm on this tangent, I might as well go on more tangents. Speaking of tangents, that brings up sines and cosines. If you're having trouble remembering what each of the three is, here's a useful tool: SOH CAH TOA. Sine=Opposite/Hypotenuse, Cosine=Adjacent/Hypotenuse, and Tangent=Opposite/Adjacent. Neat, huh? So just remember SOH CAH TOA. It sure helped me out in Math class! Strangely enough, Tangent has another meaning in math. You can say something is "tangent" to, say, a circle, if it only passes through one point of the circle. I remember my math teacher showed me a connection between that and the other tangent, but I forgot it. Oh well. Also...you know, no one's reading this, because they've just skipped to the end so I can say anything! Everything I've secretly been wanting to say! All right! It's all buried in here, and no one will notice. I love it. What to say? I can get away with anything! Um...things I don't like stink! Yeah, that makes sense. Ha! I bet no one even noticed that! I got away scot free! Now to babble on about other things to make sure I cover that up. My favorite game is Escape Velocity: Override. The sequel, Escape Velocity: Nova, while good, just doesn't live up to its predecessor. You know, I need to get back to playing that some...great game. I highly suggest everyone to play it! It's Mac-only, BUT if you have EV Nova and have registered it, you can download a plug-in to play EV Override FREE through EV Nova. Neat, huh? You know, Ambrosia Software, which made the game, has also made many other excellent games. But let's get back to reusing and recycling! I'll probably babble on about EV Override later. In conclusion, it doesn't really matter at all, and this whole thing was just a joke that wasn't even funny. So remember the three R's: Read, Right, and Rope. Yes, those were three completely random words. Now let's just get on with the "ending questions" already. This may be the longest blob of dialogue I've ever written...you know, speaking of blobs...no, I can't let myself continue...this is getting stupid enough already...I'll just end this here...
Is it the longest blob of text he's ever written? Where are we going next? Tune in next time, to this story!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 85
(a.k.a. There IS a Such Thing as Too Much D&D)
E. Gadd: Okay...I'll tell it all to you in a flashback.
BEGIN FLASHBACK
DM: Aw man, we have to do a FLASHBACK? I hate the way the text is always in italics when we do this.
E. Gadd: Huh?
DM: Never mind.
E. Gadd: Okay, so we need to find this Don Pianta. I say we roll a die for a Wisdom check to see if it occurs to us how we can get to him.
DM: That's ridiculous.
E. Gadd: You know what? You're right.
DM: Finally you're listening to sense.
E. Gadd: I don't know what I was thinking asking for a Wisdom check. We should be doing an Intelligence check.
DM (mumbling): Which you'll be certain to fail.
E. Gadd: What?
DM: Never mind.
E. Gadd rolls a die.
E. Gadd: Darn it! Our Intelligence check failed!
DM: I don't know why I'm even going along with this, but can't you reroll the die?
E. Gadd: Let's find out! (he rolls another die) Guess not.
DM: You rolled a die to see if we could reroll?
E. Gadd: Yeah.
DM: Okay, so if we won't figure out where he is based on (rolls eyes) an "Intelligence check", how will we find him?
E. Gadd: I can't answer that question. Failing an Intelligence check will do that to you.
DM: Wait, how could I forget? Maybe the Game Guide I had in my pocket will help us out! Sure, it's been torn to shreds, but maybe one of the remaining shreds can help us...
DM pulls out some shreds of paper.
DM: Let's see...how to get through the pipe to Twilight Town...how to start up the storyline while on the train...how to solve the maze in the castle in the final chapter...where to find Koopook....ah, here we are, how to get to Don Pianta. Let's see...go to the east side of Rogueport and talk to...darn it, the rest is cut off!
E. Gadd: We're supposed to talk to "darn it, the rest is cut off"? That's a weird name.
DM: That was out of character. That's the kind of thing Max would say.
E. Gadd: Yeah, but he wasn't here, and SOMEONE had to say it.
DM: Wait, there's one other part left about it...something about turning sideways.
E. Gadd: Well, let's go to the east side and...turn sideways!
And so the two go to the east side.
DM: Wow! A crack in the wall! Maybe we have to do that "turn sideways" thing we were cursed with.
E. Gadd: How is that a curse?
DM: It isn't.
E. Gadd: Then why did you CALL it a curse?
DM: Well, the weird spirit who gave us that ability said it was a "curse", so I figured I might as well call it that.
E. Gadd: Whatever. Let's just go through.
So they turn sideways and go through the crack between the buildings. They come out the other side.
E. Gadd: Hey, I just realized something!
DM: What?
E. Gadd: You cheated! You didn't take an Intelligence check to see if you would remember you had the game guide!
DM: Who cares?
E. Gadd: You shouldn't take that attitude, or else you might be cursed with permanently low stats.
DM: Whatever. Now there's a door that's conveniently here. Do you know what that means?
E. Gadd: Let me try my Intelligence check!
E. Gadd rolls a die while DM rolls his eyes. DM opens the door and goes in.
E. Gadd: Wait a minute...I didn't need an Intelligence check for THAT. Anyone with an Intelligence of 2 or higher would win that one automatically and know that we should enter the door. Oh well.
E. Gadd enters the building also.
DM: Quick, think of a funny way to end this part!
E. Gadd: Uh...uh...what do you get when you cross a mathematician and a baker?
DM: What?
E. Gadd: A piece of pi!
DM: (sighs) Well, I guess that's the best we're going to get.
E. Gadd: Well, would you prefer the alternate punchline, "A baker's dozen"?
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 86
(a.k.a. Zen and the Art of Overusing Flashbacks)
CONTINUING FLASHBACK
E. Gadd: Okay, I think we're supposed to talk to that guy over there. The snail-like guy, I mean, whose name is Ishnail.
DM: Let's just get it over with. I HATE everything being in italics.
And so the two friends-
DM: We're not friends!
Er, yeah. And so the two companions go and ask Ishnail for information on how to contact Don Pianta. He gives them a lecture on how bad Don Pianta is, but says he'll tell them if they give him 64 coins.
E. Gadd: That's highway robbery!
DM: There isn't a highway for miles.
E. Gadd: Fine, then! Rogueport robbery!
DM: Actually, I think it's standard for Rogueport...
E. Gadd: Fine! It's just robbery!
DM: We'll still have to pay up! I want to get this over with!
DM gives Ishnail 64 coins.
Ishnail: OK, then clean those ears out and listen here...There's a-
DM: Wait a minute. Have to clear my ears out.
DM takes out a Q-tip and tries to clean out his ear with it.
DM: Wait, never mind, I didn't need to. My ears are fine.
DM throws the Q-tip away, and it explodes randomly. (Aqua Teen Hunger Force homage!)
Ishnail: There's a parlor in the west part of town that's run by that worm Don Pianta...Go to the store next to the parlor. Buy a Dried Shroom and a Dizzy Dial. Make SURE you buy 'em in that order: Dried Shroom, Dizzy Dial. You got that? You do that and the shopkeeper's gonna ask you what your favorite color is. You answer "yellow." You got that? Not "green." Not "blue." "Yellow." You hear me? See, "yellow" is the password for gettin' into Don Scumbag's oh-so-comfy office. You got all that?
DM: Yes.
E. Gadd and DM leave, then go to the west side of Rogueport and enter the store. They buy a Dizzy Dial and Dried Shroom, though not in that order.
Shopkeeper: What color is your mustache?
DM: I don't have a mustache!
E. Gadd: No, you can't say that! You have to pick an answer from the four provided!
DM: Fine! My nonexistent mustache is black!
Shopkeeper: Wait, wrong question. What's your favorite color?
DM: Blu...I mean, yellow.
Shopkeeper: You must know Don Pianta...I'll unlock the door for you.
And so the Shopkeeper unlocks the back door. E. Gadd and DM enter, er, exit. Then they enter the office of Don Pianta after going up some stairs and entering another door. They then talk to Don Pianta. After some dialogue that will not be typed, he says he'll give them a Blimp Ticket if they find his daughter and one of Don Pianta's associates, who were about to elope or something. He says if they find them and bring them back, or at least tell him the location, he'll give them the blimp ticket.
E. Gadd: All right! Another quest we're on!
DM: Shut up. Let's just find them.
The two leave the office.
DM: Let's see...if I were to elope, where would I go?
E. Gadd: Probably the docks.
DM: How'd you know that?
E. Gadd: Player's guide. Sure, we only have the shreds, but...
DM: Well, to the docks, then!
And so the two go to the docks and find the two.
DM: Okay, let's get them over to the office. I want to continue already so we can get this all over with.
E. Gadd: Sadly, we'll have to wait until the next part to do that.
DM: No, you mean the part after that part, because the next part is divisible by 3 and-
E. Gadd: We already had this conversation!
DM: Then why are we having it a second time?
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 87
Previously, we discovered that the whole story was actually a movie, which ended, and thus the current story is the story of the real COs, not the movie versions...unless this turns out to be a movie also. You never know...OR DO YOU?!
-Black Hole-
Hawke: Adder! You're standing crooked!
Adder: So?
Hawke: So you'll need to stand up straight or I'll be forced to put a painful back brace into you!
Adder stands up straight.
Hawke: Good! Now let's see what I can criticize Lash for!
Hawke goes to Lash's room.
Hawke: Lash! What are you doing?
Lash: Um...top secret! Yeah, top secret!
Hawke: If you were going to those web sites again...
Lash: I wasn't!
Lord Seth: Darn it! We just went off track! Oh well.
Hawke: Off track?
Lord Seth: Well, this was being based directly off of Advance Wars 2.5, and was going exactly like it was before until Lash took it in a different direction.
Hawke: Well, that explains all the deja vu.
-Blue Moon-
Olaf: Bad news! Black Hole is now invading us! They want all our hot dogs!
Grit: Lord Seth is definitely reusing ideas...
Olaf: Didn't it skip that part where Sturm actually talked about conquering Blue Moon?
Grit: Wasn't that out of character to know that? You're supposed to be one of the stupid characters, after all.
Olaf: Grit, even in the games I wasn't as stupid as I usually am in this story. Everyone acts out of character her. So I'm actually acting in character by acting out of character.
Grit: Was that supposed to be a joke?
Lord Seth: Yes.
Grit: Well, it wasn't a very good one.
The wall of the base Olaf and Grit are in is destroyed by a Black Hole tank.
Grit: Well, at least Lord Seth is changing SOME things. It's us that's being attacked, not Colin's school.
Olaf: Colin's school attacked? What?
Grit: It was in Advance Wars 2.5.
Olaf: I thought Lord Seth fixed it so that it never happened, and thus no one other than him would know about it. How do we know?
Grit: That's a very good point. That's a major mistake in this story.
Lord Seth: It isn't a mistake! A wizard did it!
Grit: Wow. Another in-joke.
Black Hole Soldier: Okay, I waited enough time while you were talking. Can I just capture you two now?
Lord Seth: Not while I'm here!
Grit: Hey, you're not so bad after-
Lord Seth: Unfortunately, I'm not here ay longer!
Lord Seth runs off while singing "Old McDonald Had A Farm".
Grit: I hate that guy so much.
Black Hole Soldier: Now to capture you! Uh...uh...darn it, I never received any training in capturing people! I'll have to radio in for people who did. Please don't move.
The Black Hole soldier turns on a walkie-talkie and talks into it.
Grit: Now's our chance! Let's escape!
Olaf: No! He said that we should stay put!
Grit: Well, you're back to acting in your regular out-of-character self. Unfortunately, I'm not sure that's a good thing.
-Orange Star-
Andy: Come on! We need to get the heaters ready! Horrible blizzards are occurring!
Sami: That was just Olaf using his CO power.
Andy: I sure wish we had this conversation a while ago.
Will Olaf and Grit be captured? Will Black Hole get its hot dogs? Will Will finish his will? Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.875!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 88
(a.k.a. "The Piantas")
CONTINUING FLASHBACK (AGAIN)
DM: Okay, let's get on with this and talk to them. I want that Blimp Ticket, not to mention regular text.
DM goes up to them and raises his hand.
Francesca: Hey, back off, you creep! You want something, or you just lie sidling up to people?
DM raises his hand again, which somehow once again conveys everything.
Francesca: WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?!? Daddy asked you to find us? And take us to him?!?
DM: Is that the right number of A's in your long version of "What"? I think it was a different number in the game.
E. Gadd: I thought you didn't even play the game.
DM: Good point.
Francesca completely ignores DM and E. Gadd, as people seem to always do in RPGs. She has a short conversation with Frankie in which he suggests they go talk to Don Pianta one last time and explain things, but she says that would be a bad idea.
Francesca: Don't you see, Mister? I beg you: pretend you never saw us! Can you do that?
E. Gadd: Of course! (Sniff!)
DM: No way, sob sister!
E. Gadd and DM stare at each other.
E. Gadd: That was weird.
DM: Well, we HAVE to tell Don Pianta where these guys are if we're ever going to get the Blimp Ticket.
E. Gadd: But if I refuse their request, Otherwise I might lose my Chaotic Good alignment!
DM: Well, the last time I got a Mafia boss mad at me, something horrible happened!
E. Gadd: What?
DM: I ended up in this story!
E. Gadd: That IS bad. But I'm not giving up my Chaotic Good alignment for anything!
DM: Fine, fine! We won't tell Don Pianta where they are!
Francesca: Oh, thank you! Thank you! You're swell, Mister! You're a real stand-up guy!
And so E. Gadd and DM leave the docks.
DM: We have to at least tell Don Pianta SOMETHING...But... That stuff about our luck turning terrible didn't sound all that appetizing...
E. Gadd: Bad luck? AAAAHHHH! I bet I'll have to have -5 modifiers on all of my stat checks!
DM: That's not what I meant.
E. Gadd: Phew. I'm nothing without my stat checks.
DM: Let's go talk to Don Pianta already.
The two fri...er, I mean two COMPANIONS, go and talk to Don Pianta.
Don Pianta: Oh. Look who's come back. Da proverbial mustache. You gonna brighten my mood?
DM: I don't have a mustache.
Don Pianta: Oh, my mistake.
DM: Just go on with the speech.
Don Pianta: So give. What you got? You know da whereabouts of dese two runaways?
E. Gadd: Uh... I can't tell you that. (must...preserve...Chaotic Good alignment...)
Don Pianta: What? I must be goin' deaf. Did you just say to me dat you couldn't tell me?
DM: I don't think you're going deaf.
Don Pianta: It's a figure of speech! Now boys, beat him up!
Just then, Frankie and Francesca arrive. Because typing out all the dialogue is tedious and annoying, here's a summary: Frankie convinced Francesca to come back and talk to Don Pianta. Each claims it's their own fault. Don Pianta, however, is apparently mad at both of them, and says he doesn't ever want to see them again, and asks them to go somewhere else...which seems to be his way of saying it's OK for them to get married. So they leave.
Don Pianta (to DM and E. Gadd): You still here? Hmph! Well, you found my daughter an' got her to come back here...An' just lookit how things turned out! What a complete an' utter soap opera. But hey, a deal's a deal. You can have your blimp ticket, like I said.
Don Pianta gives them a Blimp Ticket.
DM: All right! Finally!
END FLASHBACK (FINALLY)
Grit: Wait a minute. That must've taken at least few minutes to do. You were gone for less than that.
E. Gadd: Rip in the time-space continuum?
Max: That explanation, which wasn't forced at all, answers everything perfectly!
Grit: No it doesn't.
Max: Please don't ruin my fantasy world.
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 89
(a.k.a. Glitziator)
And so our heroes go to the Blimp. They present our ticket, and the Blimp starts to take them to Glitzville.
CHAPTER 3: OF GLITZ AND GLORY
The blimp arrives at Glitzville. Well, what were you EXPECTING, them to arrive at Bowser's Keep? No, that was Super Mario RPG! Get your game parodies straight. Anyway, our heroes exit.
E. Gadd: What keeps this whole city afloat? A Chaos Emerald?
Blimp Driver: No, that's primitive. We use a state-of-the-art mechanical system that you'd never understand.
E. Gadd: I'm a genius! Of course I'd understand!
Blimp Driver: Too bad!
DM: Let's just go try to find the Crystal Star.
Max: I think it's in the Gmitz Lit.
Grit: What?
Max: I played this game, and I think that's where it is.
Grit: You mean GLITZ PIT, not Gmitz Lit.
Max: Not Gmitz Lit?
Grit: No.
Max: NOTHING MAKES SENSE ANYMORE!!!
Max starts crying.
Grit: Okay, let's check out the Glitz Pit.
The four (well, five, if you count their partner who's out who has been mysteriously quiet) enter the Glitz Pit and observe the battle. The current champion, Rawk Hawk, has just clobbered his opponent. He holds up his belt, which appears to have a Crystal Star on it.
Max: That thing on his belt seems vaguely familiar...
DM: It's the Crystal Star!
Grit: Darn it! That means we'll have to become the champs ourselves to get that Championship Belt, which has the Crystal Star on it. And that SO is not relaxing!
E. Gadd: Well, let's enroll in the fighting thingy so we can start...uh...fighting.
They find Grubba's office (Grubba is the fight promoter or something) and enter it. DM once again raises his hand which explains everything somehow. After some dialogue by Grubba...
After Grubba shows the guys around the place...
After we repeated this joke (which wasn't really funny the first time) again...
Grubba: Could you sign your name on this contract?
Grit examines the contract.
Grit: The typing is incredibly small. I can't even read it.
Grubba: Don't worry, it's nothing important. It's just regulation.
Grit: I remember from school that a contract is void if you're unable to read it or something...there was a case where some Spanish-speaking people had to sign a contract that was English, and the court ruled the contract was void because they didn't understand it.
Grubba: Not important.
DM: That was in the US, anyway...it doesn't apply to here.
Grit: What's the US?
DM: Enh. Now just sign it so we can continue on with this.
Grit signs the contract.
Grubba: Now, your names aren't too great, so let's go with...the Great Gonzales!
Grit: How about the Great Grit?
Max: No! The Mighty Max!
Grubba: Let's just stick with Great Gonzales. Now, Jolene, could you take these guys to the minor-league locker room?
Jolene enters.
Jolene: Right away, sir.
She takes them to the minor-league locker room.
DM: Darn it! Why do we always have to end these parts at the worst times, when we�re right in the middle of something?
Grit: Time constraints.
DM: Why didn�t I think of that?
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 90
Previously, stuff very similar to the beginning of Advance Wars 2.5 happened.
-Orange Star-
Andy: Here we are, once again, sitting on our butts, doing nothing. I wish something would happen to liven things up.
Max comes rushing in, despite the fact he was sitting down in the room a moment before.
Max: Bad news! Unidentified enemy units are attacking Orange Star! It's mostly composed of Battleships!
Nell: Andy, after we fight them off, remind me to kill you.
Andy: Why?
Nell: I don't know. I just wanted to. (to Max) What color are they?
Max: They're all yellow.
Nell: Why is Yellow Comet attacking us?
Max: Wait. How'd you figure out it was Yellow Comet?
Nell: Who else has yellow units?
Max: Good point.
Meanwhile...
Kanbei: We are now attacking Black Hole!
Sonja: We're attacking Orange Star, not Black Hole.
Kanbei: SILENCE! Kanbei is never wrong! Except, of course, when he's not right.
-Green Earth-
Eagle: The camera is almost never on us.
Drake: In Advance Wars 2.5, we got exposure when Yellow Comet attacked us, thinking we were Black Hole. But they're attacking Orange Star. You know, maybe we should help them out.
Eagle: Why?
Drake: More screen time?
Eagle: Great idea!
Jess: How do you remember things from Advance Wars 2.5 when it never happened?
Drake: Good memory, I guess.
Meanwhile, in a political joke having nothing to do with Advance Wars...
Lord Seth is speaking to a crowd.
Lord Seth: I'm here to rant about the guy you, and a lot of other people, all hate! DOWN WITH PRESIDENT GEORGE W.!
The crowd cheers in response.
Lord Seth: I mean, so what if he managed to bring about democracy in a country? It was an unnecessary war that we didn't have to enter!
The audience cheers again. Assume they cheer at various intervals in Lord Seth's speech.
Lord Seth: Who cares if it started a new chapter in that part of the world? A lot of people were killed in the war! Unnecessarily! I mean, who cares if he may have brought about a positive change in part of the world? We still got parts of Europe mad at us. And to think the guy won a second term! It's ridiculous! History should look back at this President and say he did a horrible job! Who agrees with me?
The crowd cheers loudly.
Lord Seth: CURSE YOU, MR. PRESIDENT! CURSE YOU!
The audience cheers even more loudly.
Lord Seth: GEORGE W. WAS THE WORST PRESIDENT OF ALL TIME!
The audience cheers still louder.
Lord Seth: Who agrees with me?!
Audience: WE DO!
Lord Seth: SO WE MUST REMOVE ALL POSITIVE REFERENCES TO GEORGE WASHINGTON FROM OUR TEXTBOOKS!
The audience stops cheering and stares at Lord Seth.
Lord Seth: CURSE YOU, GEORGE WASHINGTON! CURSE YOU!!!
Audience Member: You were talking about George Washington?
Lord Seth: Well, yeah. Who did you think I was talking about? I mean, what did you THINK the "W" stood for?
The audience quickly disperses, all grumbling.
Lord Seth: Darn it. I was hoping I really had a following in my anti-George Washington movement. Oh well. I can't think of something funny to end this part, so you think of something.
Lord Seth leaves during an unnecessary line of text.
Who did they think he was talking about anyway? Will Green Earth finally get screen time? And what's happening in Blue Moon right now anyway? Tune in, next time, to whatever the heck this story is called!
Read on!