Parts 71-80
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 71
(a.k.a. Back to the "Future")
Our heroes, back in their own universe-
E. Gadd: Own planet! OWN PLANET!
Er, own planet. Back on their own planet, they emerge from the warp hole and all fall into a heap.
E. Gadd: Now we can finally, FINALLY get to that stupid cave in the north.
DM: Why were we even going there? All of the times we got sidetracked has made me forget what we were even trying to do.
Max: Let's see...I know it had something to do with moving the plot along...
Grit: Didn't it have something to do with the disappearances?
E. Gadd: I think it was supposed to tell us where to go next to find the people.
DM: How can a CAVE tell you where to go next?
E. Gadd: It doesn't. The thing IN the cave will tell us.
Max: Where is the cave anyway?
Grit: What do you know? We're right in front of it!
And so the four go into the cave. They enter some weird chamber with some weird guy who's dressed in weird clothes, and some other weird thing is somehow involved. Saying weird over and over is rather weird, isn't it? Anyway, there's a weird figure.
Weird Figure: I'm not weird!
DM: Well, you're not exactly normal.
Weird Figure: I'm not normal, but I'm not weird! I'm just abnormal!
Grit: Whatever. Would you just tell us what we need to do in order to rescue the people who disappeared?
Weird Figure: Well, I was about to, but your friend here insulted me by calling me weird-
DM: Your name is "Weird Figure"! How does that not make you weird?
Weird Figure: It's not my fault my parents named me Weird and their last name was Figure! Now listen to me! To prove yourself, I'm going to send you on a quest.
E. Gadd: A SIDEQUEST. Our quest itself is to find everyone who disappeared and save them. Or at least that's the quest of Grit and Max. DM and I are just along for the ride. ANYWAY, it's not a quest, it's a sidequest.
Weird Figure: FINE! I want you to prove yourself by engaging in a SIDEQUEST!
Max: Does it involve tanks?
Weird Figure: No.
Max: Crud.
Grit: It involves a lot of relaxing, right?
Weird Figure: Not really.
Grit: Crud.
Weird Figure: Anyway, I'm going to send you to another dimension.
E. Gadd: There aren't alternate universes!
Weird Figure: No, alternate DIMENSION, not alternate universe. Alternate dimensions exist, just not alternate universes.
E. Gadd: Oh.
Weird Figure: Okay, I will mumble random words, and you will all find yourselves in the other dimension. Oop! Zooop! MOOOOOOOOOP! Vizzle mizzle trizzle gizzle pizzle boop-a-moop-zoop!
Max: THAT was the thing you had to say for the spell?
Weird Figure: No, that was just me clearing my throat.
DM: I ALREADY did this joke.
Weird Figure: Well, it was a while since then. Maybe people forgot about it.
DM: Just send us on our way. I'm getting tired of being with you. You remind me too much of myself.
Weird Figure: Fine!
The Weird Figure-
DM: Actually, considering his NAME is actually Weird Figure, shouldn't that just say "Weird Figure", not "The Weird Figure"?
Uh, yeah. Weird Figure waves his arms and our heroes are transported to another dimension.
E. Gadd: All right! Another sidequest! More experience!
DM: THERE IS NO EXPERIENCE INVOLVED! YOU DON'T GO UP IN LEVEL BECAUSE OF BATTLES! THAT'S JUST A FIGMENT OF YOUR IMAGINATION!
E. Gadd: Says YOU.
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 72
Previously, Green Earth decided to invade Black Hole. Oh, and Olaf stupidly gave away all of Blue Moon's military secrets to Lash and Adder.
-Black Hole-
Sturm: Are we ready to invade Blue Moon?
Lash: As soon as you give the word!
Sturm: Uh...what is "the word"? Is it hot dogs? I hope it's hot dogs!
Lash: Uh, that's two words.
Sturm: Oh. Well, I hope it's "hot" or "dogs".
Lash: It's a figure of speech! It doesn't mean you actually give a word! It just means that you're saying it's okay to proceed!
Sturm: Oh. (pause) So, IS the word "hot" or "dogs"?
Lash: Argh!
Hawke: Green Earth has launched an invasion on us.
Sturm: Can you really "launch" an invasion?
Hawke: You can if it's comprised of Bombers, Fighters and T Copters!
Sturm: Oh, then just use some Anti-Air units to deal with them.
Hawke: Our Anti-Air units aren't operational at the moment. Someone stuffed them full of hot dogs.
Lash glares at Sturm.
Sturm: Oh, SURE. Blame the hot dog-obsessed guy.
-Green Earth-
Eagle: So how goes the invasion of Black Hole?
Drake: You're supposed to be in charge of it! How can you not know?
Eagle: That's a very good and valid point. However, I'm going to completely ignore it. Anyway, how goes the invasion?
Drake: (sighs) It's going fine.
Eagle: Excellent! Keep me posted whenever I ask you to! Hey, where is Jess anyway?
-Yellow Comet-
Jess: Okay...how exactly did I get here? Oh well. Guess I'd better get back to Green Earth.
Meanwhile...
Sonja: You're SURE this new invention of yours that helps troops see even further in Fog of War has NO chance of backfiring?
Andy: Yep! I'm completely sure!
Sonja tries out the device. Unfortunately, it blows up, killing her.
Andy: Uh...well, it IS possible to be sure and wrong.
Lord Seth: Yeah, and next you'll be telling me that it's possible to be blond and smart. I know that statement was somewhat out of character for me, but hey, you know.
Andy: Know what?
Lord Seth: You know!
Andy: No I don't!
Lord Seth: Exactly! You know you don't know!
Andy: I hate you.
Lord Seth: I know.
-Blue Moon-
Olaf: Darn those replacement COs! Where'd they go? They were supposed to be back here by now!
In a somewhat completely different story...
-Black Hole-
Hawke: Well, Sturm is dead, and I'm in control.
Adder: Great job on explaining to everyone exactly when this takes place!
Hawke: What?
Adder: Never mind.
Hawke: Anyway, what should we do now?
Adder: Wait until Nintendo announces an Advance Wars 3, then invade everyone.
Hawke: I meant in the meantime.
Adder: Have all sorts of zany adventures that crack everyone up.
Hawke: Great idea!
Lord Seth: Wait. Sturm isn't dead and Hawke isn't in control. In fact, Sturm is standing right here.
Sturm: So am I dead or not? I'm really confused now.
Lord Seth: We all are, Sturm. We all are.
Flak: Wait a minute! I'M not confused!
Lord Seth: That's because you're an idiot.
Flak: Oh.
Back in Advance Wars 2.875...
Olaf: Well, everything is feeling boring...we need some unexpected plot twist to make things more interesting.
Lord Seth: Coming right up!
-Space Above Wars World-
Evil Alien Invader: Are we FINALLY done with all the planning?
Evil Alien Invader 2: Yep. Let the invasion...uh...begin.
Some giant dome-shaped spaceships all begin to descend towards Wars World...and think of some cool sentence to end this part with so it sounds ominous.
Can you think of a good sentence? Does having these questions sorta ruin the "ominous ending"? Will this cause a dramatic plot twist? Will this new storyline completely peter out midway through like it did in Advance Wars 2.75? To find the answers, tune in next time to Advance Wars 2.875! Or, to be more specific, the time after the time after next time! Speaking of time, I think we're running out of it and-
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 73
(a.k.a. I Thought Up a Cool Name for This Part, But It Contained Spoilers, So Forget It)
Our heroes are now on a dock.
DM: Hey! We never found out what our stupid quest even was!
Grit: Well, according to this random piece of paper I have, along with this map, we're supposed to go and try to find some treasure based on this map.
DM: Who's it from?
E. Gadd: Princess...Peach.
DM: And where are we?
Grit: Well, that sign over there says we're in Rogueport.
E. Gadd: Oh, don't tell me! We're going through a Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door parody?
Max: I was wondering why everyone seemed so two-dimensional...
DM: Well, no wonder we went to a Wars World-like place previously...this probably will have little to do with Advance Wars, so that was to balance this non-Advance Wars part out. Anyway, did any of us play Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door?
Max: I did!
DM: Oh, great.
Max: But it was a while ago. I can't quite remember a bunch of stuff. Let's see...a major plot twist is about to occur...
PROLOGUE: A ROGUE'S WELCOME
(WARNING: Spoilers for Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door are in this. So if you don't want spoilers, stop reading this story for a while...a LONG while)
E. Gadd: ...and there's the title of this chapter, though I don't think that note is usually there. Now where's this major plot twist you mentioned?
Grit: Well, there seems to be some trouble over there...
Grit gestures towards a fat-looking guy wearing a uniform that has an X on it, who has two smaller (yet still fat-looking) guys with him who also have a uniform with an X on it. They're threatening a rather cute female Goomba.
DM: I can't believe we have to rely on Mr. Idiot here to know the stuff about this.
Max: Hey! I am not an idiot! I just sometimes lose all intelligence I have!
E. Gadd: Well, I do know quite a bit about RPGs. If you ever want to get further in them, you have to meddle in other people's affairs.
And so our heroes walk up to the fight. Said female Goomba notices them and rushes behind them for safety.
Big Fat Guy: What do you think YOU people are doing? You think you can screw up my plans?!? Gah! It's always something...Looks like I'm going to have to give you a little taste of the old CRUMP-A-BOMB!
E. Gadd: Oh, great, the dialogue is the same also!
Grit, Max, and DM stare at E. Gadd.
E. Gadd: Er, I DID mention I played a little of this game, right?
The fat-looking guy then goes up to our heroes and an RPG-like battle starts. Because I'm too lazy to actually say exactly how the battle goes turn-by-turn (there was enough of that in Smithy's Successor) let's suffice to say our heroes defeat the fat guy and gain experience.
E. Gadd: Ha! And you said we wouldn't get experience!
DM: Well, technically we got STAR POINTS, not experience.
E. Gadd: ...Touch�.
Fat Guy Whose Name You Probably Know The Name Of But Shall Still Be Called The "Fat Guy" Until His Name Is Actually Revealed: Buh! Buh! Buh huh huh! OK, you got a-
DM: Just get on with it!
Fat Guy: Fine!
Many of the smaller guys with the X-uniforms all rush up and surround our heroes and the female Goomba and attack. Unfortunately, in the confusion our heroes and the Goomba manage to make it out while the guys in the X-suits seem to ignore them.
Female Goomba Whose Name Will Soon Be Revealed But In The Meantime Will Just Be Called "Female Goomba": Phew! What a bunch of loons! Let's just sneak out of here, what do you say?
The four quickly leave the place. It turns out that the people in the X-uniforms were actually just attacking their fat leader. Their leader then gets annoyed. Let's not bother with writing every bit of dialogue out, okay? Now to end this part in a comical way...uh...er...well, writer's block is here, so forget it. I guess you'll just have to do without comedy for now. Uh...yep.
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 74
(a.k.a. Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door Parody!)
Female Goomba: Wow! You totally saved me!
E. Gadd: Well, the dialogue isn't exactly the same now...
Female Goomba: What are you talking about?
E. Gadd: Never mind. Forget it.
Female Goomba: Well, since I have to give introductions...my name's Goombella. I'm a student at the University of Goom. Nice to meet ya! So, uh...who are you?
Grit: I'm Grit.
Max: I'm Max.
DM: I'm M2rzwgxplrt, but just call me DM. In fact, PLEASE call me DM, I hate it how people keep mispronouncing my real name.
E. Gadd: And I'm E. Gadd. You've heard of me, right?
Goombella: No. I haven't really heard of any of you.
DM: Let's just skip all the fancy dialogue and get on with it.
Goombella: Well...I'm here looking for treasure.
DM: What a complete and utter coincidence! So are we!
DM holds out the treasure map, which he somehow got his hands on.
Goombella: Omigosh! Is... Isn't that a treasure map?! You HAVE to tell me where you got that!
DM raises his hand for a moment, which somehow completely conveys everything.
Goombella: You're from another dimension and are here to engage in a sidequest to prove yourself, and you think you're supposed to hunt for the treasure?
In the background, some kind of scuffle between some Piantas and these other guys break out. The Piantas beat up the other guys, then leave, then the other guys leave. Toadsworth arrives. Not in the background, mind you, he arrives to the foreground, where our heroes and Goombella are.
Toadsworth: So you're here to talk to Princess Peach?
DM: Whatever happened to Mario anyway? He's supposed to be in this adventure.
Toadsworth: Huh? Mario?
E. Gadd: Hmmm...This must be a dimension in which Mario isn't around...or something like that.
Toadsworth babbles on about how he doesn't know where Peach is. Then he says something about how he's leaving the task of finding Peach to the four, then leaves. He then leaves for the inn.
Grit: An inn! A perfect place to relax! Let's go there!
Goombella: Um... Princess Peach? Did he mean, like, Peach, the Mushroom Kingdom princess?!?
A pause.
E. Gadd: Wasn't she supposed to say something about how she's always kidnapped by Bowser?
Goombella: Bowser? He must be another guy who's from your dimension but not this one. So you're saying Princess Peach sent you the treasure map?
DM: We never said that.
Goombella: Oops. Maybe I was supposed to wait for you to say that. Ah well, maybe she went off to look for the treasure herself. If we start looking for the treasure, then maybe we'll catch up to Princess Peach!
E. Gadd: Fine, let's go see that professor of yours.
Goombella: I never said anything about a professor.
Grit: Okay. These cross-dimensional differences are getting really weird.
Max: I think she's supposed to join our party right now.
DM: We're dysfunctional enough as it is! We can't have someone else in our party! It'll make things worse!
Goombella: Fine, fine...but let's go talk to the professor!
In a speech bubble, Goombella somehow shows a picture of what the professor, whose name is Frankly, looks like.
Max: You have an amazing talent of being able to describe someone, you know that?
Advance Wars 2875, Part 75
Lord Seth: Uh, it's Advance Wars 2.875, not Advance Wars 2875.
Whoops! Let's start over
Lord Seth: Okay, get it right this time.
Advance Wars 2.875., Part 75
Lord Seth: NO! "Advance Wars 2.875, Part 75" NOT "Advance Wars 2.875., Part 75"!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 75?
Lord Seth: Uh...it would have been better without the question mark.
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 75
Lord Seth: FINALLY! Now let's get on with it! From the start!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 75
Previously, alien ships from an evil alien race began descending onto Wars World.
-Yellow Comet-
Sonja: Uh-oh. There's a big shadow above me. I guess I'd better move.
Sonja tries to move, only to find out that she's standing in cement that has just hardened.
Sonja: WHAT?! When was I standing in cement?
Lord Seth: For a while. You REALLY should move around more.
Sonja: You're standing next to me and you're not stuck in cement!
Lord Seth: I'm wearing my anti-cement shoes.
Sonja: Do those even exist?
Lord Seth: They do now.
Sonja: ...
Lord Seth: Anyway, I have no desire to die, unless it's done as a good joke, so I think I'll move away.
Lord Seth walks off while the alien spaceship (which was the shadow) continues to descend. It lands right on Sonja, squashing her flat. Just in case it wasn't obvious enough, this kills her.
-Black Hole-
Sturm (running around in circles): AAAAAHHHHH!!! EVIL ALIEN INVADERS! HEEEEEEELP! I'M TERRIFIED OF ALIENS!
Hawke: Sturm, you ARE an alien.
Sturm stops running around.
Sturm: Oh.
Hawke: I am forced to take orders from an idiot. (getting an idea) Sturm...why don't you look out that window?
Sturm: Okay!
Sturm looks out the window. Hawke then pushes him out of it.
Hawke: Yes! He's finally dead!
Hawke looks out the window and looks down.
Hawke: Darn it! He's either not dead because we're actually on the first floor, or he's not dead because we were high up but he landed on a trampoline. Darn it!
-Green Earth-
Drake: Bad news, Eagle. We may need to cancel the invasion of Black Hole.
Eagle: But we're so close!
Drake: Yeah, but alien invasions don't defeat themselves, you know!
Eagle: That's not true! Didn't you ever watch Invader Zim? Half of the time he ends up defeating himself.
Drake: He wasn't even a real invader. And that was just a TV show...this is real life!
Eagle: But still!
-Black Hole-
Lash: So what should we do about the evil alien invaders?
Flak: Darn it! If only they weren't aliens! Then they'd fit in perfectly with us. I mean, we're evil and we invade, but we're not aliens.
Adder: There's only one thing to do!
Lash: Capture an alien and perform such horrible tests on it that, if it were human, would violate the laws of any country?
Flak: Except for Canada, of course.
(Note: If you felt offended by this remark, just replace "Canada" with "Mexico")
Adder: Now can I say what I was about to say we had to do before you interrupted me?
Lash: No.
Flak: Nope.
Adder: Darn it.
-Orange Star-
Nell: Aliens are invading Wars World?
Sami: Yes.
Nell: There's only one thing to do!
Sami: Fight them off?
Nell: No! We'll have to offer a human sacrifice to appease them!
Sami: What makes you think they want a human sacrifice?
Nell: I just know these things, Sami. Now, let's see...the sacrifice usually should be someone important...now, who's important and expendable? (Nell seems to think this over) Okay, Sami, you're the sacrifice.
Sami: WHAT?! I'm not going to be sacrificed to aliens!
Nell: According to this contract you signed when you joined the Orange Star military, you're obligated to do every single thing your superiors, in this case me, order you to do. So I'm going to send you off to the aliens so they can kill you and will leave Orange Star alone.
Sami: I hate you so much right now.
Nell: Enh, you'll get over it.
Will she get over it? Do the aliens really want human sacrifices? How will Wars World survive the invasion? Is there really such a thing as cement shoes? The answers to these questions will be revealed...sometime. Except for maybe the cement shoes one.
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 76
(a.k.a. Skipping Important Stuff Is One of the Things I Do Best)
DM: Okay, let's look on the east side of Rogueport for the professor.
The five go there, but some Bandit runs by and steals half of their coins.
Goombella: I HATE this town.
E. Gadd: Some dialogue was cut out there...
DM: Stop telling us if the dialogue is different or the same!
E. Gadd: Fine! But if we run into trouble because I wasn't pointing that out, don't blame me!
DM: Well, let's go back to the west and try to catch that Bandit.
Grit: Nah, it's no biggie. Let's just relax and-
Max: Stop telling us to relax all the time! Do you have any idea how annoying that is?
Grit: Oh, if you're so stressed, just relax a little.
Max: ARGH!
The five start to walk in the direction the Bandit ran to. On their way, some person with one of those Mushroom caps tells them not to move because they're looking for their contact lens.
DM: Wow. Again we're just skipping dialogue entirely in favor of text. Ah well. Better stay still while we wait for her to look for her contacts.
One Hour Later...
Max: Forget this! I'm moving!
Max starts to move, but steps on the contact lens.
Zess T (don't ask me how we somehow know her name right now): I TOLD you NOT TO MOVE!!!!! Don't your stupid ears work? What were you thinking?!?
Max: Well, if you weren't so bad at finding things...
Zess T: I'm gonna block the gate to the west side until you bring me a new contact lens!
E. Gadd: Let's go into the store. I remember we were supposed to do that...
Again with the "text-instead-of-dialogue", they go into the store and talk to the Toad in it and ask for a contact lens. He says they'll special-order one.
Meanwhile...
Lord Seth: Man, this is getting REALLY boring. Let's skip ahead a little...to sum up on what you missed...oh, just buy the game and play it. And I am NOT just saying that because I was offered a hundred thousand dollars to do so. I am saying that because I was offered a MILLION dollars to say it.
A while later, back in our story...
CHAPTER 1: CASTLE AND DRAGON
DM: Well, here we are in Petal Meadows. And there's the Chapter name thingy.
Goombella: Well, this is supposedly where the Crystal Star is...
E. Gadd: I thought you said she couldn't join our party.
DM: Well, you know how testy females can get about things like that...where's a glass ceiling when you need one?
A giant red dragon flies across the sky and into a castle in the distance.
Goombella: Wow. That was big. Well, let's get to Petalburg.
Meanwhile...
Lord Seth: Dang, this is boring. I wish I could skip to the more interesting parts...oh, wait, I can!
Fast-forwarding sounds are heard. We now see the credits rolling.
Lord Seth: Argh! Too far!
Rewinding sounds are heard.
Lord Seth: Okay, here we go. Now to skip to the more interesting parts that are easier to parody...What? You expected an in-depth parody of this game without any cop-outs from ME?
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 77
(a.k.a. Maybe I Should Go Back to the Totally Random Part Names...)
Max: MAN that went quickly.
DM: Yeah, it felt like it took almost no time at all.
E. Gadd: We're in front of a big boss fight. We do have that badge we needed, right?
Max: Well, the sound it made had to be from something that started with "cr" and ends with "icket", but I can't think of what that could be...
Goombella: It's "cricket"! Duh!
Max: Hey, don't blame me if I don't have a super-powerful brain! It must take someone with an IQ of 1,000 to figure that out!
E. Gadd: IQ doesn't even go up that high.
DM: Whatever! We DO have it, right?
Grit: Yes, yes we do.
Koops: Then let's go in and defeat Hooktail!
DM: I wonder how we're going to handle all of these new characters showing up...
And so the four (well, the six, but four sounds better) enter the door at the top of the tower (which is where they were) and find a giant red dragon, Hooktail, inside.
Hooktail: Who dares approach me?
DM: Okay...that is one seriously big Dragon. Now let's skip the speechmaking and just get onto the fight.
Cool boss music plays and a battle starts.
Hooktail: Snack time, little appetizers! But which one of you morsels should I taste first?
Max pulls a hammer out of nowhere and attacks Hooktail with it. It makes a cricket sound.
Hooktail: Blech! That awful sound! It...sounds like a cricket! How did you know?
Max: Game guides. They're tremendously useful.
DM: You had a game guide this entire time?!
Max: Uh...yeah.
DM: And you never told us?!
Max: Uh...no.
DM: Give me that!
Max: No! It's MINE!
DM grabs the game guide from Max, but the struggle rips it into many different pieces. Most end up going out the window, but they manage to save a few scraps.
Grit: See, this is why you should find constructive ways to solve your problems. Preferably those that involve relaxing.
DM: Well, at least we have a few parts left. Maybe they'll help us out when we need them.
Hooktail: Stop that this instant!
Grit: The talking?
Hooktail: The cricket noises! Urp... I got really bad...ugh...food poisoning once when I ate a cricket. I HATE them! Oh... Fight it, Hooky...Just hearing a cricket chirp-
DM: Can we stop with the speechmaking? I'm getting tired of it!
A few battle turns later...
Hooktail (having just been reduced to 0 HP): Wait a moment! I give up! Please! I won't be so bad anymore. I promise! In fact, I'm sorry! For everything! Er... Yeah...To prove it, I'll give you 1,000 coins! What do you say? Can you forgive me?
Max: Let's see...I think we're supposed to decline.
DM: 1,000 coins? How can you decline that?
Grit: DM, do you honestly think Hooktail has 1,000 coins?
DM: Yes.
Max: We don't want your coins! Now, if you had TANKS, on the other hand...
Hooktail: Then how about the lovely, rare, extra-special badge I have? I'll give you that. It's one of a kind! And-
DM: Can we just skip-
Goombella: You're always saying we have to skip all the dialogue!
DM: Whatever! We'll decline all your future offers of badges and whatnot.
Hooktail: You aren't very trusting, are you? It's important to be able to trust someone, you know. Er... I guess I'd better...
Hooktail rushes into the audience and eats some of them, causing the rest to all run away.
Koops: That's just not right!
DM: Drat! There goes my plan to charge excessive prices for people who want to be in the audience! I bet I would've made a million coins, too! Crud! Double crud! Triple crud! Quadruple crud!
Many cruds later...
DM: Squintuple crud!
E. Gadd: Is that even an actual number?
DM: I don't know. I lost count about an umptillion cruds ago.
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 78
Previously, I did a previously, which was a lot like this one, except it was actually useful.
-Orange Star-
Sami: Why do I have to be the one sacrificed to the aliens? Why not Andy, Max, or Hachi?
Nell: Well, first of all, Hachi paid me $1,000,000 to make sure he wouldn't be the alien sacrifice.
Sami: And Andy and Max?
Nell: Max would probably beat me up if I did, and I'm choosing you over Andy because...um...well, ask Lord Seth!
Sami: Well, where is he?
Nell: Doesn't matter, because right now I'm sending you off to the aliens to be horribly killed. But at least Orange Star will then be safe. You're being killed for the greater good!
Sami: I hate you.
Nell: Like I said earlier, you'll get over it.
Later...
Sami: Darn it! How can I get out of this?
Evil Alien: On our way to our mothership, we'll be passing by Yellow Comet. I have no idea why I'm saying this to you, but I had a feeling I must.
Sami: Yellow Comet...
-Yellow Comet-
Sonja is walking along for no apparent reason. A truck runs by and runs her over.
Truck Driver (looking back): Aw man! That's the FIFTH person that's happened to today!
The truck drives off camera, despite the fact we don't have a camera. It turns out the truck actually went just by Sonja, and didn't hit her.
Sonja: They should have a law against drivers like that!
Sami, who somehow escaped from the aliens, comes out from behind the bushes which weren't even there before. She grabs Sonja, knocks her out, then drags her behind the bushes. After about 1.5 minutes, Sami emerges, now wearing Sonja's clothes. She drags Sonja, still unconscious and now wearing Sami's clothes, out of the bushes.
Sami: This is brilliant! Grab Sonja, change clothes with her, and then the aliens will think SHE'S me, and she'll be killed instead! This is such a good idea it's almost like someone put it into my head! It's too bad I have to have Sonja killed off for this...but at least she'll be dying for a greater good. Well, better get going before those aliens find me.
Sami runs off and the Evil Aliens (known a while back as Evil Alien Invaders, though their names have been changed for no apparent reason) show up.
Evil Alien: Man, how did she escape? It's almost like she suddenly disappeared.
Evil Alien 2: Well, she's right there.
Evil Alien: You're right! Wait...that...thing on her head looks different.
Evil Alien 2: I believe the inhabitants of this world call it "hair". It's a puzzling concept.
Lord Seth: In case you couldn't figure it out, these aliens are bald, which is why they don't understand hair.
Evil Alien: Who are you?
Lord Seth: Uh...someone you should ignore?
Evil Alien: Why should we ignore you?
Lord Seth: Because...I'm no longer here! Bye!
Lord Seth runs off.
Evil Alien: Well, if I remember correctly, the color and shape of "hair" is easily changeable. And the clothes are identical.
Evil Alien 2: People can change their clothes easily. We can change ours, for instance.
Evil Alien: Haven't you been paying attention? EVERYONE here always wears the same outfit! The clothes MUST actually be attached to them! Therefore, this must be the person we were looking for, as they have the same clothes.
Evil Alien 2: Good point. Let's take this human back to our ship to kill in a horribly painful fashion.
And so the aliens take Sonja to their ship and kill her in some horrible fashion that will not be shown.
Evil Alien: Well, at least Orange Star gave up a valued CO for peace. So we won't invade them.
Evil Alien 759: Why-
Lord Seth: It's been a while since I did THIS gag!
Evil Alien 759: What gag?
Lord Seth: Well, you know how when there are multiple versions of something, like aliens, you write "alien 1", "alien 2", "alien 3", and so on? Well, the gag is to pick a completely random number.
Evil Alien 759: That isn't even funny!
Lord Seth 235: Yes it is!
Lord Seth: ...
Lord Seth 235: What?
Lord Seth: Forget it. None of this even happened. It's just been a figment of someone's imagination.
Lord Seth and all the other versions of him disappear. Then Lord Seth comes in.
Lord Seth: Oh, darn it! Was my delusional imagination making imaginary versions of myself again? This can mean only one thing...I'm insane!
Everyone stares at Lord Seth.
Lord Seth: What?
Lord Seth leaves.
Evil Alien 759: Um, as I was saying, why do we do that? Why not invade a country just because they sent one of their COs over to be killed?
Evil Alien: For the same reason we invade.
Evil Alien 759: Why do we invade?
Evil Alien: Exactly!
-Orange Star-
Sami: Uh, hi Nell. I'm back.
Nell: Well, I'm glad you went through with being sacrificed. Now Orange Star has nothing to far from the alien invaders! I'm proud of you. I'm giving you a major raise!
Sami: Well, I guess my hatred of you has subsided somewhat.
Nell: See? I told you you'd get over it!
Did she get over it? Will we actually get to the alien invasion itself? Tune in next time to Advance Wars 2.875!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 79
(a.k.a. More Wasted Time)
DM, angry that Hooktail stopped his get-rich-quick scheme, rapidly attacks Hooktail and defeats her. During his attacks, the audience members manage to escape Hooktail's mouth.
DM: Drat! They're alive! That means they'll want a refund!
Grit: You were CHARGING them?
DM: Yeah.
Grit: When did you become so money-obsessed?
DM: A few hours ago. It'll probably be a new part of my character.
Hooktail, now defeated, is lying on the floor, presumably dead (but we can't say "dead" because this is a kids' game...er, I mean, story. Wait, this story is rated PG. That's not necessarily only for kids. Well, it's BASED on a kids' game, so I guess THAT's why we can't say "dead", despite the fact we just did three times). An older Koopa manages to get out of her mouth. It turns out it's Koops' father (who they were trying to rescue) or something like that, so let's just skip through all of this reunion stuff...
E. Gadd: Let's get the Crystal Star now.
Koops' father pulls out the Crystal Star, which he found in Hooktail's stomach. Grit, who seems to be the leader or something of the group reaches for it while it floats above him. Now it's time for the cool ending sequence...man, I just wish I could include the awesome music and the cool way the words "END OF CHAPTER" appear in the game. Here's a not-very-good substitute.
END OF CHAPTER
(but not of this part)
Grit, DM, E. Gadd, Max and friends finally got a Crystal Star in the castle after defeating Hooktail. Koops even reunited with his long-lost father, whom he thought was dead. Yet they were unable to learn anything about the whereabouts of the princess. Where could Princess Peach be? Yes... their adventure has only just begun.
Meanwhile...
Two of those small yet fat little white guys from the beginning bring Peach into a room. Lord Crump, the bigger and even fatter guy is in there also.
Small White Fat Guy: O great, exalted Grodus! We brought the Princess Peach you ordered, sir!
Grodus: Well, well, well, my pet...Isn't it about time you told us where the map is?
Since we didn't bother to give a decent explanation before, Grodus is yet another fat guy (why are all the X-Nauts so darn fat?) who holds a weird scepter and...oh, just play the game if you want to know what he looks like.
Grodus: Princess Peach. You will speak when spoken to.
Peach: I'm telling you, I don't know.
After some dialogue that we're skipping due to the fact it's annoying to have to type up AND it's not particularly funny...well, we do find out that the fat guys are actually called X-Nauts, a fact I accidentally let slip a little while ago. Anyway, to sum it up: The X-Nauts find out our heroes have the map, Grodus sends Lord Crump to Boggly Woods to try to find the Crystal Star they're already trying to find there. Grodus also sends these three Shadow Sirens over there to deal with our Mario...er, I mean our heroes. Anyway, then there's this boring sequence with Peach, that we'll skip, because...well, it's boring.
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 80
(a.k.a. A Boggling End)
Meanwhile...
Sturm: Okay, what are we doing here?
Hawke: Did you forget? Lash made that weird thing that lets us teleport between dimensions. Since Grit and the rest came here somehow, we and the Black Hole army came here to stop them.
Sturm: You DO know the real reason we're here is to add a little bit of Advance Wars to this story so it doesn't get too Mario-centric?
Hawke: Yeah, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't seize the opportunity to thwart Grit. He and his friends (if they can be called friends) are apparently looking for some Crystal Stars or something.
Sturm: Well, I guess we should try to find them...if the things they're look for gives us insane power, there's no reason for us to not try to get them!
Hawke: Heh heh heh...little does he know I'm going to take the stars for myself, then use them to destroy Sturm!
Sturm: Huh? Did you say something?
Hawke: Say something? I didn't say anything.
Sturm: Oh. I could've sworn you said something about destroying me. Guess it must have been my imagination. For some reason I keep imagining you saying things about destroying me...weird, huh?
Hawke: Uh...yes. Very weird.
Back to our heroes...
To do yet another cop-out, our heroes go back to Rogueport, give the contact lens back to that person whose contact lens they broke (the order for the new one came in), go back to the Thousand-Year Door and find out they're supposed to go to Boggly Woods. Now we're going to do yet ANOTHER cop-out by fast-forwarding through a lot of this part.
Lord Seth: We'd better not repeat this cop-out/fast-forwarding gag too much...or else we'll lose the few readers we have.
We have readers?
Lord Seth: Uh, yeah.
Dang, my efforts of trying to ruin the story and have it end so I can get out of my lifelong contract aren't...uh, I mean, that's cool! Woohoo! Readers!
Lord Seth: Can we just get back to the story? Please?
CHAPTER 2: THE GREAT BOGGLY TREE
(or, to be more specific, very far through Chapter 2)
Our heroes are near the bottom of a giant tree. They're in a room in it (yes, the tree is so large it has rooms because these small guys called the Punis live there. Play the darn game for the full scoop)
Max: We should use the save block to save our game.
DM: This isn't a game you idiot! This is a story!
Max: Fine. We'll save our (rolls eyes) "story".
Someone hits the Save Block and the story saves into the "Lord Seth's Top Secret Folder" folder on Lord Seth's computer.
Grit: Let's just continue on, shall we? All of this walking and adventuring is severely lowering my rest and relaxation time.
Meanwhile, in the next room...
Lord Crump is in the next room looking for something and babbling on to himself. He hears our heroes approaching and hides. Then a bunch of stuff happens. Suffice to say, Lord Crump steals the star and sets it so that the whole tree will blow up in 5 minutes. Our heroes try to get out but sorta get lost.
DM: Oh, great. We're still in the tree and it's about to explode.
Max: How do you know? Do you have a watch?
DM: Well, the clock on the bottom right of the screen says we have...5 seconds remaining, which is about the length of time it takes for me to say what I just said.
BOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!! (for full effects, find the biggest tree on Earth, stuff it full with explosives, set them off, but make sure you're wearing something that increases the sound of everything you hear by 5)
The tree explodes, presumably killing everyone in it.
GAME OVER
Read on!