Parts 61 to 70
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 61
(a.k.a. War Is Swell)
The captured Orange Star soldiers keep coming closer and closer towards our heroes, with the obvious intent of grabbing Grit and beating him up.
Grit: Uh, you guys will protect me, right?
Grit looks around to see that E. Gadd, DM, and Max have all run away from him.
Grit: Crud. You know, I wonder why they don't recognize Max. I mean, they recognize me, but not their own CO.
At hearing this, the soldiers all immediately stop approaching Grit and all rush towards Max.
Max: AAAHHH! Don't kill me!
Captured Soldier: Um, we don't want to kill you. You're on our side. We wanted to, you know, congratulate you for trying to fight Blue Moon and all.
Captured Soldier 2: Yeah, but this makes the THIRD Orange Star CO captured!
Grit walks over to Max.
Grit: Third?
Captured Soldier: Well, YOU'D know, Evil-Blue-Moon-CO!
Grit: Hey, I'm not the Grit responsible for this! Don't confuse me with him just because I look so much like him.
Captured Soldier: Oh. We thought you were him. I guess since you look so much alike we got mixed up. Sorry for the misunderstanding and the subsequent near-beating.
DM: So who are the other two?
Captured Soldier 3: Uh, Andy and Sami. They're upstairs somewhere.
E. Gadd: We don't have time for this! We've got to get back to our own planet so we can get to that cave!
Grit: No, I think we should try to get history back on track so Orange Star DOES repel Blue Moon. After all, they're just trying to get land that doesn't even belong to them. And anyway, we'll probably end up finding a warp hole BECAUSE we helped out.
E. Gadd: Fine! But how the heck do we get out of this stupid Prisoner of War camp? It's not like we can just escape through a door that says "Escape Here".
Max: There's one right there.
Captured Soldier 2: No, that's a trap. It really leads to a torture chamber, as the person who's currently Captured Soldier 7 and 7 1/2 unfortunately found out.
Captured Soldier 4: But don't worry. We've been working on an escape plan. It should be ready soon. And then we can escape, take over this Blue Moon base, and turn the tide of the war in Orange Star's favor!
E. Gadd: Hmmm...I'm not sure if that will work. Let's find out.
E. Gadd pulls out an 16-sided die. He rolls it and looks at what number appears.
E. Gadd: Let's see...according to this, taking over this base MIGHT change the tide of war, but not necessarily.
Captured Soldier 4: Yeah. Like we're going to believe what some stupid die says. Taking over this base will DEFINITELY change the tide of war.
E. Gadd: You dare question the die?!
Captured Soldier 4: Uh, yeah.
E. Gadd: Oh yeah? Well...
He rolls another die.
E. Gadd: You have an 50% chance of something happening that will make you take those words back!
Max: How about the four of us just go upstairs and learn about the plan of escape? We're not just generic soldiers, so it makes sense for us to go rather than the rest of you.
Captured Soldier 5: Man, being a generic soldier really sucks sometimes.
Grit: I'm sure it's not THAT bad.
Captured Soldier 5: My name is "Captured Soldier 5"! Does that sound like it doesn't suck to you?
Grit: Uh...I'm not touching that.
DM: Yeah, I wouldn't touch that with a ten-foot pole! A ten-foot LANCE, sure, but not a ten-foot POLE.
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 62
(a.k.a. Mission: Almost Impossible)
And so, our heroes go upstairs to find out information about the plan for escape.
-Upstairs-
Sami: Andy, that part of the plan makes absolutely no sense.
Andy: What? How does trying to fix everything in the Blue Moon base NOT make sense?
Sami: Because they're our enemy!
Andy: Oh...right...but can we fit me fixing machines SOMEWHERE into the plan?
It is at this moment that our heroes finally get upstairs.
DM: It sure took us long enough to get here!
E. Gadd: Well, if you had let me make that Make-It-Quicker-To-Go-Upstairs machine I wanted to, it would've been quicker!
DM: I DID let you make that machine, but it malfunctioned and we ended up having to walk twice as much as we would have normally.
E. Gadd: Oh. It's all coming back now.
Grit: Guys, guys, guys. Now isn't the time to-
Andy: Hey, I think I recognize that guy! Let's see...orange trench coat...orange hat...goatee...you're Kanbei, aren't you?
Sami slaps Andy.
Sami: I think being stuck here has lowered your intelligence. That guy over there is Grit! (pause) Hey, wait a minute! You're on Blue Moon's side! Why the heck are you here?
Grit: Well, it's a long story. Would you believe-
Andy: Well, at least Max is with him. That's good, right?
Sami: That's bad! We don't want Max captured!
Andy: Let's see...and the other two are people I've never seen before.
DM: I've GOT to make myself better known.
E. Gadd: Appear in a video game. It'll work wonders for reputation.
Sami: Would you just tell us what you four are doing here?
Grit: Well, we want to get out of here just as much as you do.
Sami: I doubt that. I really want to get out of here.
Grit: Well, ALMOST as much as you do.
Sami: I can't stand being stuck here...while Orange Star is losing...if I were out, maybe I could make a difference...
Grit: Whatever! We just wanted to know the plan for escape so we could all get out of here and help Orange Star beat back Blue Moon!
Andy: Why are you helping us? You're on Blue Moon's side.
Grit: I'm not the Grit you know! I'm Grit from a different universe/planet. The Max here is Max from a different universe/planet also. We sorta took a wrong turn in a warp hole and ended up here.
Andy: That explains things.
DM: Could we PLEASE just know the plan so we can get out of here?
Andy: Oh, the plan is simple. We just bust a hole in the wall and rush out.
Everyone stares at Andy.
Grit: Somehow I don't think that'll work.
Sami: That's because that's NOT the plan! The real plan is to, when the guards shift, to grab some of them and steal their uniforms, put them on, and then while in disguise let the prisoners out.
E. Gadd: That sounds wonderfully clich�. Don't you think Blue Moon would have thought of that?
Sami: Think about it. OLAF is in charge here.
Grit: Good point.
Max: All right! I want to be one of the ones to go undercover!
Sami: You're a few dozen sizes too big to fit in their outfits.
Max: Well, who's skinny enough to be able to fit into any outfit?
Everyone looks at Grit.
Grit: I don't like where this is going.
Andy: I don't like where it's going either. I just KNOW it's going to involve light bulbs burning out, which I hate.
Sami slaps Andy again.
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 63
Previously, Black Hole and Orange Star let loose all of their EWDs, and an evil alien race decided to invade Wars World...though they haven't actually started yet.
-Orange Star-
Nell: So are we ready to make more EWDs?
Andy: We can't. All of our blueprints were destroyed.
Nell: Words cannot describe the anger I am currently feeling. (pause) Oh well. Who wants ice cream?
Meanwhile...
Evil Alien Invader: Well, our pre-invasion pre-planning is done. Are we ready for our pre-invasion planning?
Evil Alien Invader 2: Yep! And after that there's the pre-invasion post-planning.
-Yellow Comet-
Sensei: Hmmm...this is most peculiar.
Kanbei: Sonja was just killed, and you're saying it was PECULIAR?!
The two are both standing next to Sonja's dead body. She's been so violently killed that we won't describe what she looks like now in order to keep this at PG level.
Kanbei: There's only one thing to do!
Sensei: Avenge her death?
Kanbei: Close, but not quite. Hire a private investigator to find out who killed her. THEN avenge her death.
Sensei: Okay. I'll make sure I get the very best.
A short time later...
A Private Investigator examines Sonja's dead body with a magnifying glass.
Private Investigator: Hmmm...when was the last time you saw the deceased?
Kanbei: I'm looking at her right now.
Private Investigator: No, I mean PRIOR to her death.
Kanbei: Oh. I can't remember.
Private Investigator: Well, it's just like I thought. It's unsolvable.
He leaves, then comes back for a moment.
Private Investigator: I still get paid, though.
The Private Investigator leaves.
Kanbei: Well, it must have been Black Hole. Who else COULD it have been?
-Black Hole-
Sturm: Well, we got all of that annoying radioactive stuff off of here because we stole the designs from Orange Star. (examines a message that suddenly appeared) It says Kanbei is accusing us of killing his daughter. Did any of us do it?
Adder: Nope, we didn't. I know we lie all the time, but we're not lying right now. Still, it's nice that that annoying brat is gone for good, so we don't have to worry about her stealing intel from us anymore.
Sturm: I wonder who it could be...
-Blue Moon-
Grit: Well, at least the EWDs got Black Hole out of Blue Moon. And so everything on Wars World is pretty much the way it was before all of this. Except, of course, there are giant craters all over.
Colin: Why are you telling us this? We already know it.
Grit: I was filling in the readers.
Colin: Readers?
Grit: Well, you-
Olaf: I hate to interrupt at such a perfect time-
Lord Seth: This joke has already been done.
Colin: Oh, some jokes never get old. Watch! Why did the chicken cross the road?
Everyone stares at Colin.
Colin: To get to the other side!
A pause. Everyone starts laughing hysterically.
Lord Seth (struggling to talk due to laughter): That one NEVER gets old.
-Yellow Comet-
Sensei: What were we just doing?
Kanbei: Great. Now your bad memory is back, isn't it?
Sensei: I don't know. I forgot.
Will the aliens EVER invade? Will Sensei EVER remember if he's forgetting things? Will we EVER find out who actually killed Sonja? Will I EVER stop with these pointless questions? Will I EVER asking if I'll stop with these pointless questions? Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.875!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 64
(a.k.a. Success Is Not An Option)
Sami: Okay, is everyone clear on the plan?
Max: We beat up the guards, Grit puts on their uniforms, then lets us all escape.
DM: You remembered all that?
Max: What? I'm not stupid.
The guards begin to change places. Max sneaks up behind one thanks to E. Gadd's latest invention that allows people to sneak up behind people, regardless of how much noise they would normally make, beats the guard up, then steals the uniform.
DM: Good thing guards always wear something under the uniform. Otherwise the rating of this story would jump up.
Sami: Okay, Grit, put the uniform on.
Grit puts the uniform on. It looks too big on him.
Grit: This looks too big on me.
Max: That looks too big on you.
DM: Why do we have this strange habit of repeating things? Oh, and that looks too big on you.
Sami: Just sneak out and deactivate the security!
Grit, wearing the uniform, tries to walk out the gate.
Guard: Wait a minute! You don't look familiar!
Grit: Uh...new recruit?
Guard: Well, I guess that's a halfway decent explanation. You can go now.
Grit leaves. A short time later, he enters what seems to be a control room.
Guy Who Runs Control Room: What are you doing here? My shift isn't over for one whole minute!
Grit: Uh...early shift change?
Guy Who Was Just Mentioned: Well, I guess that's a halfway decent explanation. I'll leave.
The Guy Who Just Said Something And Does Not Seem Able To Keep A Name leaves.
Grit: Let's see...how to turn this off?
A guard comes in.
Guard: Hey! I thought I was going to take over for that guy!
Grit: Uh...change in shifts?
Guards: Well, I guess that's a halfway decent explanation. I'll leave now.
The guard leaves. Grit gets back to the control panel.
Grit: Hmmm...what button disables all the security and allows people to escape?
Grit notices a button labeled "Disables All Security And Allows People To Escape. Don't Touch This. This Means You, Alternate Reality Grit."
Grit: I hope this isn't a trap.
Grit presses the button. All security systems are shut down and everyone in the POW camp escapes. After beating up the guards, who despite being armed much better than the just-released-prisoners were all clobbered by said prisoners, the prisoners (currently ex-prisoners) manage to take over the base. Grit and Olaf, however, have managed to escape in the meantime. Er, for those of you unable to figure it out on your own, that's the Grit from this planet/dimension we're talking about. The Grit who's about to say something is the one who's been in this entire adventure.
Grit: Well, we've taken over this base.
Captured Soldier: Woohoo! Now we can turn the tide of the war easily!
DM: Weren't you Captured Soldier 4 a while back? Why are you suddenly just Captured Soldier?
E. Gadd: Yeah, and considered that they're no longer captured, shouldn't it be Freed Soldier? Or Ex-Captured Soldier?
Ex-Captured/Freed Soldier: Couldn't we use this time more constructively? You know, like figuring out how to get back to the Orange Star army?
DM: Not really. If there's one thing we excel at, it's wasting time.
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 65
(a.k.a. Mission: Almost Impossible II)
Sami: All right! Now that we're in control of this base, we can start to use its resources in our advantage!
Sami leaves.
DM: So when do we get to the warp hole?
Grit: We can't just leave! We have to make sure Orange Star DOES start to beat back Blue Moon.
Max: You're oddly anti-Blue Moon for a Blue Moon CO.
Grit: Well, they did engage in an unjustified invasion.
DM: Sounds like my old girlfriend.
Max: You have a girlfriend?
DM: I used to, but we broke up.
E. Gadd: Why?
DM: Would you believe she actually expected me to spend money on her? As if! I'm not going to spend money to buy someone something when they're perfectly capable of getting it themselves. I mean, it's not like boyfriends are expecting to spend major amounts of money on their girlfriends, right?
Everyone stares at DM.
DM: What?
Grit: What does that have to do with unjustified invasions anyway?
DM: Well, her expecting me to spend money on her was an unjustified invasion.
Grit: You keep reminding me of Lord Seth. You're sometimes just as crazy as he is.
DM: That's not a compliment, is it?
Grit: No, it wasn't.
Sami comes back.
Sami: Well, we need four volunteers for a mission that has a 99.5% chance of killing all the people involved. Are you guys interested?
Grit: No.
Max: I'm not sure...let me think...
DM: Absolutely not.
E. Gadd: Let's see if we will survive! Let the dice speak!
E. Gadd rolls a few dice.
E. Gadd: Yes! There's a 0.5% chance we will survive!
DM: We already knew that.
E. Gadd: Well, if we increase our Constitution points, that increases the chance of us surviving. Unfortunately, we'd have to drain the points from someplace else. Charisma might be good. That's not a very useful stat in my opinion. No, no...get rid of Strength! We're all powered up by DM, so-
DM: If you're so powered up, you won't even need to change the figures around!
E. Gadd: Good point. Your powers add +5 to Constitution and +6 to Strength. No point in worrying about them.
Sami: So is that a yes or a no?
E. Gadd: Yes!
Grit: Well, I'm not-
Sami: Well, E. Gadd clearly speaks for the entire group. You four are going.
DM: ****!
Sami: Why did you just say "asterisk asterisk asterisk asterisk exclamation point"?
DM: It's what I say when I get really angry.
Sami: How...interesting. Anyway, your job is to bring a message to the Orange Star capital. We'd do it ourselves, but the communications of this base have been sabotaged and we can't send out a large force. Plus, you guys aren't completely orange/pink like our soldiers, so you won't stand out as much.
Sami gives them two CDs.
Sami: One of these is a backup CD in case the other one gets destroyed. If Blue Moon is about to get their hands on them, be sure to destroy them, however. There's important data in there. We managed to get some information about Blue Moon from the computers at this base, and-
Max: Boring! Let's just deliver the message. I don't care what's on it, really.
Sami: That's the spirit!...I guess.
DM: Is it actually grammatically correct to have an ellipses following an exclamation point?
Sami: Just get going already.
DM: Not until I get an answer to my question.
Sami: JUST GET GOING ALREADY!!!
DM: Okay, okay, sheesh...ask a simple question...hey, is it actually correct to have three exclamation-
Sami glares at DM. And I mean REALLY glares at him. I'm talking about the kind of glare that would stop a charging rhino.
The four leave.
Sami: Oops, I forgot to tell them something important. (shrugs) Oh well, I'm sure not knowing whatever it was won't make too much of a difference.
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 66
Previously, some random stuff that I'm too lazy to repeat happened. No wait, that sounds weird. Let me try again.
Previously, some random stuff happened that I'm too lazy to repeat. Ah, that's better.
-Orange Star-
Nell: Well, Black Hole is now weakened. It's time to invade them!
Sami: Uh, that might be hard. Popular opinion of the war has drastically decreased. People are protesting in the streets.
Nell: Why?!
Sami: They're mad that members of their family have been killed.
Nell: Man, just have a few hundred million people die and suddenly everyone's upset. Well, I guess we'll have to cancel the attack on Black Hole. We don't want to be overthrown AGAIN, after all.
-Blue Moon-
Olaf: Okay, now let me fill you guys in on what I was going to say before Colin interrupted us with that killer joke.
Colin: Let me tell you again! Why did the chicken-
Olaf: No! No! Don't! We'll start laughing hysterically again!
Colin: Fine, fine. Just give us your news, then!
Olaf: I've decided that to save money, I'm going to outsource your jobs!
Grit: You can do that?
Olaf: I'm the Big Head Honcho. I can do whatever I want. Well, let's meet the replacements.
Both Adder and Lash come in. Lash is wearing an incredibly bad disguise. Adder isn't even wearing a disguise.
Olaf: I'm sure they'll do fine. Don't you agree?
Grit: Uh, that's Lash and Adder.
Olaf: Oh, come on. They can't be Lash and Adder. That person there is wearing sunglasses. Lash doesn't wear sunglasses.
Colin: Well, Adder isn't even in disguise!
Olaf: Hey! Don't call him Adder! I'm sure he's had a very rough life because everyone got him mixed up with Adder!
Adder: Yeah...let's go with that...
Olaf: Anyway, because these guys will work for 1/10 of your pay, you're fired.
Grit: We don't even get paid anything.
Olaf: Exactly! You two are fired!
Grit and Colin leave.
Lord Seth: Dang! A perfect place for an Apprentice joke, and I missed it!
Olaf: Well, Lazz and Addar, I'm about to give you top-secret information about Blue Moon. You won't tell Black Hole, will you?
Lash: Um...no.
Adder: No, we won't.
Olaf: Good! Well, I'd better talk all about it. The most important military secret is...
-Green Earth-
Eagle: I'm tired of not having screen time.
Drake: We could invade another country. That would give us more screen time.
Jess: I think we already did that once. Let's try something NEW this time.
Eagle: I say we just stay here and do nothing.
Jess: Won't that not help us at all?
Eagle: Well, obviously. But I don't want to have to leave this chair I'm sitting on.
Jess: Because you're too lazy?
Eagle: Because someone glued this chair to me.
Jess: Ah.
Drake: Shouldn't the correct phrasing be that they glued you to the chair, not the chair to you?
-Yellow Comet-
Sonja is walking along. Suddenly, a truck drives by at a very high speed. It hits her, killing her.
Truck Driver (looking back): Aw, man! That's the third person that's happened to today!
Is it the third person that happened to today? Why is the first of these questions almost always just a question version of the previous sentence? Why do I keep asking about why it's just a question version of the previous sentence? Meanwhile, whatever happened to our alien invaders? And will Green Earth ever get more screen time? Am I having all of these questions just to fill up space? Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.875!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 67
(a.k.a. [Put Whatever Part Name You Want Here. Yes, This Was Just a Cheap Cop-Out By Me.])
DM: Huzzah. We're on yet another sidequest.
E. Gadd: Hooray for sidequests! I bet we'll get all kinds of experience.
Grit: Er, we're trying to avoid fighting right now. Don't you need to fight to gain experience?
E. Gadd: No, the Dungeon Master will usually give you free experience if you go through a quest. Or a sidequest.
DM: Dungeon Master? There is no Dungeon Master here!
E. Gadd: Hey, your name is DM. That stands for Dungeon Master. So you have to give me experience.
DM: DM is a nickname! My actual name is M2rzwgxplrt! But that's hard to pronounce, so I go by the name DM, which stands for Don't Miss.
E. Gadd: Miss what?
DM: Wouldn't YOU like to know!
Max: What kind of person names their kid M2rzwgxplrt?
DM: Hey, if you think that's bad, you should hear my LAST name.
Max: Something worse than M2rzwgxplrt?
DM: You pronounced it wrong AGAIN. It's M2rzwgxplrt, not M2rzwgxplrt.
Max: M2rzwgxplrt?
DM: No, M2rzwgxplrt.
Grit: Man, this whole trek has been rather uneventful so far.
Max: Well, we're about to approach the Blue Moon/Orange Star border. Things will probably get more "interesting" once we cross it.
Grit: Sure, if by interesting you mean much harder and more dangerous.
Max: Yep, that's what I meant.
A patrol of Orange Star soldiers approach the four. For yet another reason that will never be explained, they seem to ignore the fact Grit is from Blue Moon and Max is from Orange Star.
Orange Star Soldier: Anything to declare?
DM: Yeah! I'm sick and tired of people not using proper English on the internet! Why is it so hard to use apostrophes when necessary? Why do people write "dont" instead of "don't"? Why do some people not even put spaces after punctuation that requires it, such as periods or commas? Why is it people can't remember the differences between "your" and "you're" or the differences between "there", "their", and "they're"? Why are there so many other mistakes, like writing "a lot" or "at least" as one word? Why is it so darn hard for people to make an attempt to write in correct English? WHY?! Is it THAT hard to spend a few more seconds on your message in order for it to be presentable? I mean, I can understand people doing that if English isn't their first language, or they're less than 10, or if they have some kind of mental disorder, but there's really no excuse for everyone else...
Everyone stares at DM.
DM: Uh, was there anything else you wanted me to declare? I've got no shortage of angry rants.
Orange Star Soldier: Uh, "declare" means to say what you have with you.
DM: Oh, that's simple. I've got these three guys with me.
Orange Star Soldier: No, that's not what I meant! I mean things that belong to you!
DM: Well, there's my shirt...my pants...my shoes-
Orange Star Soldier: Oh, forget it. I can't stand talking to you!
The Orange Star soldiers leave.
DM: I seem to have that effect on a lot of people.
E. Gadd: I sometimes wonder how we manage to stand you being around.
DM: I sometimes wonder how we manage to stand YOU being around.
Max: Let's just keep going. At our current rate of travel, it'll be a few weeks until we get to our destination.
DM: I blame all the talking we're doing. So I say everyone shut up except me. Then we'll have no problem!
Grit: I have no problem with that, except for the fact I don't want to shut up.
Max: Same here.
E. Gadd: Same here.
Max: I say we compromise. None of us shut up!
DM: That kind of defeats the point.
Max: So?
DM: Never mind. Forget it.
Max: Okay, I think I've FINALLY got it. It's M2rzwgxplrt, right?
DM: No, it's M2rzwgxplrt! (sighs) Look, just call me DM if you can't pronounce my name!
Max: Okay, M2rzwgxplrt.
DM: It's M2rzwgxplrt! M2RZWGXPLRT!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 68
(a.k.a. Harry Potter and Something That Has Absolutely Nothing to Do With Him)
E. Gadd: I say you let me make a teleporter. It'll get us instantly to where we're going.
DM: No. Odds are it'll send us somewhere completely different.
E. Gadd: Oh, come on. The chances of my inventions failing is slightly under 50%. Since most have been failing lately, it's time for one to succeed.
DM: Actually, that's not quite true. If the chance each time is about 50%, it doesn't matter what happened previously. It's 50% each time.
E. Gadd: No, it's 50% OVERALL.
DM: Oh. I guess that makes a little more sense.
Grit: Wait a minute. How do you know it's definitely 50% overall?
E. Gadd: It's not 50%. The chances of them working are slightly more than 50%.
Grit: Well, let's just say 50%, because it's quicker to say.
E. Gadd: Fine! Anyway, I know that because I rolled a die and it showed that.
There's an awkward silence.
DM: You're basing this all on a die roll?
E. Gadd: Well, I rolled a die first to see if the die would be correct.
Everyone stares at E. Gadd again.
E. Gadd: What? There's nothing wrong with putting faith in the dice.
DM: Why, oh why, must you be obsessed about Dungeons & Dragons?
E. Gadd: Expert Dungeons & Dragons! There's a difference!
DM: What is the difference?!
E. Gadd: ED&D has a lot more to do with stats and dice rolling.
DM: I SAID, let's get off of this topic.
Grit: You never said that before.
DM: It must've been cut out.
Max: You know, we're overdue for some sort of thing to happen. All we've been doing is talking. We should run into some danger or something.
Quite a while later...
Max: Amazing. We haven't found any kind of obstacles in our path.
Grit: (rolls eyes) Unless you count the vampires, evil giant robots, tornadoes, spontaneous combustions, and lawyers, of course.
Max: Well, why would I count them?
E. Gadd: Let's just deliver the CDs already so we can find the warp hole and leave. How far are we from the capital?
Max: Let's see...at walking speed, a day. At running, 6 hours. At running-ultra-quick-because-something-bad-is-chasing-you-speed, about 15 minutes. Hey, that means all we need is for something to chase us and we'll be there in no time!
Grit: Uh, I'm not quite sure that's a-
Max: (shouting, as if the fact the text is in capitals didn't make that obvious enough) HEY BLUE MOON SOLDIERS! WE'RE RIGHT HERE AND ON A TOP SECRET MISSION! ATTACK US RIGHT NOW!
Grit: -very good idea.
Max: Enh. What could go wrong?
Grit: Not counting everything?
Max: Yep, not counting everything.
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 69
Previously, Olaf decided to outsource the jobs of Grit and Colin in order to save money. Unfortunately, he hired Lash and Adder (going by the names Lazz and Addar) in their place.
-Yellow Comet-
Sonja is walking along. Suddenly, a truck drives by at a very high speed. It hits her, killing her.
Truck Driver (looking back): Aw, man! That's the FOURTH person that's happened to today!
-Blue Moon-
Colin: Darn it. Now that I lost my job as a CO, I have to go back to SCHOOL.
Student: Why are you talking out loud to yourself?
Colin: Never mind.
Teacher: Well, everyone, it's time for yet another boring history lesson. We're going to talk about old medical practices. For instance, doctors used to, in an attempt to cure sickness, deliberately make people bleed because of the assumption that their blood was poisoned.
Colin: That is one of the dumbest things I've ever heard! Did they have no concept of modern science several centuries ago?
Everyone stares at Colin.
Colin: What?
Let's see how Grit's doing...
Grit: Well, I may have lost my job as a CO. But this finally gives me a chance to fulfill my lifelong dream...and this unfortunately isn't it.
Grit is now working as a gas station attendant.
Grit: Oh well. I'm sure I'll be able to get to my REAL dream job soon.
Lord Seth: What is it?
Grit: Well, it'll either be a surprise revealed later or it will never be revealed as a joke.
Lord Seth: Er, actually I was asking why you're taking so long to fill up my car with gas.
Grit sighs.
Okay, back with Olaf...
Olaf: ...and that's all of Blue Moon's military secrets, which, if given to Black Hole, would almost certainly bring about a horrible catastrophe in Blue Moon. It's a good thing I can trust you two, right?
Lash: Uh...right...
Adder: At the moment, we've got to...go...somewhere...
Olaf: Okay! Go wherever you want. I'm sure it isn't to Black Hole to tell Sturm everything you just learned. Then again, you'd never do that, right?
Olaf looks around to see Adder and Lash have already left.
Olaf: Hmmm. They must've been in a hurry.
-Black Hole-
Adder: How'd we get here so fast?
Lash: The internet?
Adder: That explanation makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, but it's probably the best I'll get, so I guess I'll have to settle for it.
-Green Earth-
Eagle: Life is boring. I say we invade Black Hole to liven things up.
Jess: You're saying we should invade a country just to liven things up?
Eagle: And get some extra screen time.
Drake: Well, other than the fact that millions could die just to bring the three of us enjoyment, I really don't see any major problem with that plan. Invade!
Will the new information about Blue Moon help Black Hole? Why did I, for the first time in a while (or at least I think it was a while) not have the first question be a repetition of the last statement given? Will these already stale questions ever be funny again? Were they even funny in the first place? Was the previous question funny? Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.875!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 70
(a.k.a. 1 C0uldn't Th1nk 0f 4nyth1ng 3ls3 f0r th3 T1tl3, S0 1 H4d t0 S3ttl3 f0r Th1s)
Blue Moon Soldiers, who have heard Max's call, all show up. Don't ask me how there were so many Blue Moon Soldiers around, especially when they were so near the Orange Star capital, though.
Max: Are we ready to run?
DM: I so am going to kill you.
Max: AAAAHHHH!
So Max runs off, DM chasing him. Grit and E. Gadd run in the same direction, though they're running away from the Blue Moon army rather than from DM.
15 minutes later...
Max: Wow! We made it to the Orange Star capital!
DM: Well, we're safe from the Blue Moon soldiers now, so I guess I'll have to put off killing you, Max.
E. Gadd: Now to FINALLY deliver these stupid CDs so we can find that warp hole.
Grit: But first, we have to find Nell. Now where could she be?
E. Gadd: Well, she might be around here. Let's roll a die to see if we encounter her.
E. Gadd rolls a die.
E. Gadd: Wow! Success!
DM: That is the stupidest thing I have ever-
Orange Star Soldier: Clear the way! Orange Star CO Nell coming through!
DM: I hate you.
E. Gadd: I know. Now let's just give that darn CD to her!
E. Gadd tries to walk up to Nell, but the Orange Star Soldiers block his way.
E. Gadd: Hey! I'm trying to deliver a CD that has top secret information about the Blue Moon army!
Orange Star Soldier: Oh, yeah right. That trick won't work on us. We're not Blue Moon soldiers. We're actually intelligent.
E. Gadd: Let's see...who would they listen to...uh...Max! Get over here!
Max walks over there.
E. Gadd: Uh...I have Max with me! He's a CO! Isn't that enough authorization?
Orange Star Soldier: Oh, fine. If it furthers the plot, I might as well.
The Orange Star soldiers part. E. Gadd and Max go up to Nell.
E. Gadd: Uh, Sami gave us this CD that's supposed to have top secret information about Blue Moon in it. Supposedly it'll help turn the tide of the war. Now would you take it and PLEASE give us our warp hole?
E. Gadd gives her the CD.
Nell: I can't just make a warp hole appear! But thanks for the CD.
E. Gadd: Darn it!
A warp hole appears out of nowhere.
Grit: Well, history is back on track, and Orange Star will hopefully defeat Blue Moon and finish off Sturm.
Nell: Sturm?
Grit: Uh...nothing! Nothing!
Nell: Hey, you're Grit! Are you back to join the Orange Star-
Grit: Uh, I'm a different Grit! I'm from an alternate dimension! Now...uh...let's leave! NOW!
The four all go into the warp hole, which then immediately seals.
-Blue Moon-
Grit: Olaf, it seems they stole some military secrets from us.
Olaf: Drat! That means my excellent plan to conquer Orange Star ultra-quickly won't work! Oh well. Guess we'll do it the old-fashioned way. It's time to attack Orange Star, then have them repel us. Then they'll move into Yellow Comet, then go through Green Earth, and then we'll all battle and defeat Sturm, who will be gone forever until the sequel.
Grit: Huh? What are you talking about?
Olaf: I don't know.
Read on!