Parts 51 to 60
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 51
Previously, the Yellow Comet COs found Eagle's lucky goggles. So now Green Earth, if it keeps their side of the bargain, will help them against Black Hole and its EWDs. IF it keeps its side of the bargain...
-Green Earth-
Eagle: Of course I'm going to keep my side of the bargain! Man! That narrator is so untrusting!
Kanbei: Well, we found your lucky goggles.
Sensei: And nearly got killed doing so!
Sonja: You WILL help us, right?
Eagle: Absolutely! As soon as you do me one other favor.
Kanbei: What?!
Eagle: Just kidding! I'll send some of Green Earth's best-trained troops to stop Black Hole's Evil Weapon of Doom production. I'll do it now!
Eagle presses a button. A door opens a hoards of soldiers all rush out. Sonja, who unfortunately was in the way, is trampled by them all and killed.
Eagle: Maybe I should move that door.
-Black Hole-
Hawke: You have a message from Orange Star. They want to ask why you're so evil.
Sturm: Evil? I'm not evil, just misunderstood!
Hawke: You've brought about the death of millions of people all for personal gain, and you claim you're MISUNDERSTOOD?
Sturm: Hey, without me there wouldn't have been two really cool games that brought enjoyment to millions!
Hawke: I guess you have a point there.
Sturm: Exactly! Who cares if a few hundred million people are killed off, as long as a few million people have enjoyment?
Lord Seth: Um, the people who died?
Sturm: Pffft, who cares about THEIR opinions? They're dead!
-Orange Star-
Max: Why did you send that weird message to Black Hole anyway?
Nell: I don't know.
Lord Seth: Okay, why isn't this funny?
Nell: This thing is funny! Where are you getting the idea it isn't? Why do you keep saying it isn't funny?
Lord Seth: I say that when I'm in the process of writing it. When I'm writing it, it doesn't seem very funny. Then when I read it, it's really funny. Crazy, huh?
Nell: Just like you.
Lord Seth: Exactly!
-Black Hole-
Sturm: All right! Now I have captured a random soldier who I will torture without any mercy.
Lash: Why?
Sturm: Lord Seth wants a torture scene. Don't ask me why. Now, what's the worst way to torture someone?
Lord Seth: What? Torture? I never said that. Torture isn't my thing. Humor is my thing. It's hard to make torture funny. And you know what I always say...and I'd say it right now, but I forgot what it was.
Sturm: How 'bout a compromise, then?
Lord Seth: What?
Sturm: Humor produces laughter. I'll torture them by tickling their feet with a feather.
Lord Seth: Perfect!
Meanwhile...
Lash: Why is it so darn hard to sneak into these adult movies?
Flak: Why do you even want to?
Lash: It says they have "adult situations". I want to see what kind situations adults are in.
Flak: Um...that's not what they mean by adult situations.
Lash: Then what do they mean by adult situations?
Flak: Lash, has anyone told you about the birds and the bees?
Lash: Well, duh! I know all about that! Birds are a kind of animal that have wings. Bees are a kind of insect. They're social insects and live in a hive. Want me to go more in-depth? I know a lot about them!
Flak: Why am I always the one stuck with her?
Why IS he always the one stuck with her? Why aren't we getting anywhere? Why do I always try to have at least three questions? Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.875!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 52
(a.k.a. Bmsdercal Gseg)
Grit: Okay, where are we NOW?
E. Gadd: According to the invention I just whipped up, we've been transported somewhere else. Weird, huh? Imagine a portal being in an old, abandoned house. It's a shame we left the camera we were holding back there, though. I wonder if someone will find it and make a cheesy movie out of it.
DM: Why'd we scream just before we were transported?
Max: We'll find out in the sequel.
DM: But how...oh, never mind.
E. Gadd: So now we're somewhere else and now have to figure out where we are all over again.
Grit: We didn't know where we were before! And how do you even know your invention is working right?
E. Gadd: My inventions never lie.
DM: What? What about all those times they were wrong?
E. Gadd: They weren't lying. They were just malfunctioning.
Grit: Let's stop the yelling and just try to find someplace to relax.
DM: I second that.
E. Gadd: So do I.
Max: Wait, how can two people second something? Doesn't one of them have to third it?
Grit: It's a loooong story.
One long story (and one longer walk) later...
Grit: This place looks familiar...wait a minute, we're back where we started this whole adventure and I first met Luigi!
DM: Part 52 and we're back where we started? This is getting pathetic.
Max: Well, only one thing to do. Repeat everything that happened, and then come back here, and repeat it again. Continue doing that until we lose all readers, and then we can end this.
E. Gadd: That won't work. For example, we can't redo the part where we rescued Max when Max is right here with us.
Max: I could get myself recaptured!
E. Gadd: No.
DM: I say we go the opposite direction than you did at first. Then we'll be sure to have totally different adventures!
Grit: I say we stay here, relax, and-
Everyone: No!
Max: Well, I say we get Tanks to pulverize everything in our path!
Grit: Where are we going to get Tanks?
Max: We'll worry about that once we get them!
Grit: Wait. How can we-
E. Gadd: No, I say we roll a die to see what kind of stat boosts we get.
DM: Well, all those ideas are bad. So let's go off in the opposite direction of the way you and Luigi originally went. So, which way is the opposite direction?
Grit: I don't know. I forgot which way we went.
Max: Let's just pick a random direction.
DM: Then we'll just end up going in the original direction! That's how it goes!
E. Gadd: Fine, fine. We'll pick a random direction, then go in the opposite direction.
DM: We'll still end up going in the original direction.
E. Gadd: Fine! A random direction, then 90 degrees to the right.
DM: Still original direction.
Max: Fine, we'll go in the original direction. Just pick a random direction and we'll go there.
And so a random direction is picked. They all go in that direction, which is the original direction.
DM: Why must we waste so much time on jokes that no one thinks are even funny?
Max: Hey, I think they're funny!
DM: You don't count.
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 53
E. Gadd: Good thing we're going to the north.
Grit: Why?
E. Gadd: Well, before we were distracted by that business with the dragons, prison, library, and spooky wood/house, were were planning on going to a cave in the north. If we keep walking north, we should get close to it...unless we overshoot it, walk all the way to the North Pole, and start heading south.
Max: Yeah, but we'll get to meet Santa!
DM: How do I break it to him?
Max: Break what to me?
DM: Never mind.
Grit: You say that a lot.
E. Gadd: I'll just make an invention so we don't have to walk so far.
Without waiting for DM to say "No!", E. Gadd quickly makes an invention. It's basically a car.
Grit: A car! Wow! It's not really original, but you made it. Now we can drive instead of walk. Plus, it's easier to rest and relax when you're not walking.
E. Gadd: Who here has a Driver's License?
Everyone is silent.
E. Gadd: Oh, don't tell me no one has a Driver's License!
Max: I have a Tank Driver's License. Does that count?
DM: Who cares? There's not going to be a policeman around here anyway.
E. Gadd: Fine, YOU drive.
The four get into the car. DM starts driving it. Instantly, a police siren is heard, despite the fact they're not even on a road and they're in the middle of nowhere.
E. Gadd: See?
Grit: Better pull over, DM.
DM: And get a ticket for driving without a license? No way! I'm going to try to try to get away from them!
Max: No way! Then they'll catch us and we'll get arrested, and I'm not going through that again!
DM: Fine, fine.
DM pulls over. The police car stops next to them. A policeman exits it.
Policeman: I'd like to see your driver's license.
DM: Um, I don't have one.
Policeman: Well, I'm going to have to give you a ticket. (he gives DM a ticket) Be sure to pay it by the end of the month. See you!
The policeman drives away.
E. Gadd: I'll make a hovercraft instead. I have a Hovercraft Driver's License, so it should be okay for me.
E. Gadd somehow changes the car into a hovercraft in about ten seconds.
E. Gadd: All right! Let's go. I should be able to get us to that cave really soon, especially with the system on this hovercraft. It'll lead us right to it.
Grit: Man, this hovercraft sure is nice and comfy. Perfect for relaxing.
Max: I just hope we don't encounter any unexpected obstacles.
DM: Why, oh why, must you say things like that?
Max: Because my mouth talks faster than my brain thinks. That's why.
Grit: How much faster?
Max: My mouth is currently about one year ahead of my brain.
Grit sighs.
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 54
Previously, Green Earth sent out aid to Yellow Comet's rapidly-dwindling defense force.
-Yellow Comet-
Sensei: Man, it's been on us a lot.
Kanbei: Well, hopefully we can fight off Black Hole with Green Earth's reinforcements.
Sensei: Will that really help? I mean, they ARE raining down EWDs.
Sonja: But if we shoot down the planes carrying the EWDs, then they won't be able to drop them. That's where the backup comes in. We didn't have enough Fighters, Cruisers, and Anti-Air units to be able to fight off the EWD-carrying Bombers.
Kanbei: That reminds Kanbei! There's the old saying "fight fire with fire." Sonja, since you're the brainy one, you're in charge of trying to develop our own EWDs that we can turn back on Black Hole.
Sonja: Well...okay...
Later...
Sonja: So, how goes the research?
Scientist: Oh, we're doing quite well. Look at our progress.
The two both go into a room. There's a thing that looks like a bomb in it.
Scientist: This is a mini-EWD. We use them for testing purposes. That way, if something goes wrong, we won't blow up this entire place.
Sonja: That makes sense.
The bomb suddenly starts shaking.
Scientist: Uh-oh. It looks like we wired it wrong. It's gonna blow!
The scientist rushes out. Sonja tries to but trips. The scientist, once out, presses a button that closes a door, sealing Sonja inside.
Sonja: Hey! Let me out!
Scientist: I'd like to, but I need the door closed to contain the explosion. See, it's pretty powerful. With the door closed, the bomb will destroy everything in that room, which sadly includes you. Fortunately, though, it won't harm anything outside of the room.
The bomb blows up. It destroys everything in the room, including Sonja. Needless to say, that kills her.
Scientist: Oh well. At least we know it worked.
-Orange Star-
Sami: We need to find some way to remove the radiation that comes from an EWD. It stays there for a while, and it can kill people who move there. So I propose we try to find a way to remove radioactivity. Kinda like a "radioactive vacuum". After all, you know the phrase, "fight fire with water!"
Max: Isn't it "fight fire with fire"?
Sami: Then you'd just burn everything down!
Max: Oh, good point.
Hachi: I think the better version is "Fight fire with a fire extinguisher, but make sure the extinguisher is one of Hachi's Trademarked Fire Extinguishers That Really Work No Seriously We're Not Tricking You."
Nell: Um...that was...interesting.
Nell: Well, SAMI had an excellent idea, at least. Let's make something to remove the radioactivity. That way, when we launch our EWDs on Black Hole, we can clean up the mess their EWDs will cause. I'm putting Andy in charge of the project!
Max: Andy? He's just a kid!
Nell: Well, he does know a lot about machines. He probably is the best Orange Star CO to head the project. He's not too great, but he's the best out of the people we have.
Max: Hey! What about me?
Nell: You'd probably wreck the research center by accident.
Max: Oh, good point.
-Green Earth-
Eagle: I wonder if giving Yellow Comet those troops and units was a good idea.
Drake: Hey, if it's hurting Black Hole, it's automatically a good idea.
Eagle: Hey, good point! And if Black Hole's busy fighting them there, they won't be able to attack us here! I AM a genius sometimes! No, wait, I'm not just a genius SOMETIMES. I'm a genius ALL the time.
Drake: I'd love to give a witty remark to that, but I'd just get demoted, so I won't.
-Blue Moon-
Grit: Okay, these plans just aren't working. We've got to start thinking outside the box if we want to fight off Black Hole.
Olaf: Personally, I always felt it was better to think outside the circle.
Colin: No, I think thinking outside the hexagon is the best.
Grit sighs.
Is it better to think outside the box, circle, or hexagon? I personally think it's actually better to think outside the triangle, but hey, that's just my opinion. Anyway, tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.875! And go triangles!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 55
(a.k.a. Part 55)
DM: Great. Now we're ****ing lost.
Grit: Such language!
DM: What? All I did was say "asterisk asterisk asterisk asterisk ing".
Grit: Oh...right...
E. Gadd: And anyway, we're not lost. We're just not quite sure where we are.
DM: I thought this thing could home in on that cave!
E. Gadd: It can!
DM: Then what's the problem?!
E. Gadd: It's just having problems homing in on the cave.
DM: Then how can...oh, forget it.
Max: Can we just hurry this up? I'm bored.
Grit: That's because you have an incredibly short attention span.
Max: That's not true! I...whoa, is that a bug over there?
DM: Can we get back to me arguing with E. Gadd about the locator thing?
Grit: Go ahead.
E. Gadd: Oh, don't worry. I just got the homing device fixed. Barring any unforeseen events that are almost certain to occur, we'll be there in half an hour.
Loud booms are heard.
Grit: Oh, please tell me that isn't what I think it is.
Max: Okay. It isn't what you think it is.
Giant dragons come into view. Then again, dragons are always giant, so I guess I didn't have to say they were giant. Regardless, some dragons show up.
E. Gadd: Oh, great. Them again.
The dragons go right past the hovercraft without even noticing it.
DM: Oh well. False alarm, I guess. I wonder why they didn't try to capture us again, though.
E. Gadd: I guess now that their sacrificing ritual is done, they don't care about humans anymore.
Max: But we weren't sacrificed.
E. Gadd: But they THINK we were. It LOOKED like we fell into the lava and died, even though we really didn't. Well, we fell into the lava, we just didn't die.
Max: Hey, what's that thing that we're about to hit that looks just like a warp hole?
E. Gadd: Probably a warp hole.
Grit: I disagree. I think it's a WARPHOLE.
E. Gadd: No, warp hole is two words, I believe.
DM: Oh, great. We're going to go into ANOTHER alternate universe.
E. Gadd: Well, actually, we were never quite sure that universe we went to earlier WAS an alternate universe. It could have been somewhere else on our planet, or just another planet in this universe. An alternate universe kind of means that it's not, you know, in this universe, but another. Now, personally, I'm a bit skeptical of the whole idea of alternate universes. My opinion was that we either went to a different planet or just went somewhere else on this one. Now, Grit, when you came to this place, my opinion is that you just went to another planet. Of course, it's not really possible to be absolutely sure until we-
DM: Shut up!
E. Gadd: But I was just getting to the good part!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 56
(a.k.a. Much Ado About Something)
Max: Did I ever tell you guys about the time I read War and Peace?
DM: We're about to go into a warp hole and you're talking about when you read WAR AND PEACE?
Max: Yeah! Would you believe that I understood it perfectly the second time I read it?
E. Gadd: The SECOND? It took me THREE times until I figured it out. I think you're making things up.
Max: No, no, it's true! I understood it after a mere two times.
Grit: (sighs) Max, all you did was read the title.
Max: Exactly! I read "War and Peace".
E. Gadd: Why haven't we hit the warp hole yet?
DM: When we talk like this, time stands still for some reason that will never be explained.
Grit: Then why don't we use this time to turn?
DM: Because then time would return to normal and we wouldn't have a chance to evade.
Everyone seems to consider this. This stops the talking, starts time up again, and causes them all to enter the warp hole.
DM: wher r we now?
Grit: i thnk were in anew dimenson.or anew planit.
E. Gadd: y r we tlking so werd?
DM: o no we must b in a dimenson or planit wher awl tlking iz en teh horibl englis u c on teh internit sumtims.
Grit: their r ppl who actaly right liek thiz?i cant beleve it.
DM: sdly yes.i dont liek it ether & think its stupd ppl actaly sumtims typ liek thiz w/horible spelng & gramar alot,tho usaly not thiz bad but stil bad.they rely need 2 stop.y cant ppl just use propr englis? its usaly just a few mor carakturs 2 typ 2 hav teh mesag b corect & maks teh mesag look much beter.its also ez 2 spel corectly.
Grit: thiz hole thing iz just a rant buy lord seth abut teh bad englis on teh internet,isnt it?
Max: probly.he rely hats it wen ppl dont try 2 use prpr englis so there msgs lok liek dey wer riten bye a 2nd-gradr.
DM: yah.ah wel lets git out of thiz place now cuz thiz is anoying.lets go in2 dat warphol theyre & hope teh next plase iz beter.
Teh hovrkraft inters a nother warpole, witch 4 watever rezon waz rite en front of dem.
DM: Iyay opehay isthay aceplay isyay etterbay. Iyay asway eingbay ivendray insaneyay byay allyay ofyay ethay istakesmay.
Grit: Uhyay-ohyay...
E. Gadd: Ownay e'reway eakingspay inyay igpay atinlay!
DM: Ellway, it'syay etterbay anthay atthay orriblehay excuseyay orfay Englishyay, atyay eastlay.
Max: Iyay isagreeday. Atyay eastlay enthay eway ouldcay understandyay eachyay otheryay.
DM: E'reway understandingyay eachyay otheryay ightray ownay!
Max: Ohay...ightray...
E. Gadd: Et'slay ustjay ogay oughthray atthay arpway olehay atthay orfay ateverwhay easonray isyay ightray inyay ontfray ofyay usyay. Aybemay e'llway inallyfay etgay otay ayay universeyay at'sthay okayyay.
DM: Aitway. Iyay oughtthay ouyay aidsay ouyay idn'tday inkthay eway ereway actuallyyay inyay alternateyay universesyay. Ouyay aidsay eway ereway ustjay oinggay otay ifferentday anetsplay inyay ethay amesay universeyay.
E. Gadd: Ellway, Iyay illstay elievebay atthay. Utbay ifferentday "universesyay" oundssay oolercay. At'sthay whyay Iyay aidsay ityay.
DM: Et'slay ustjay etgay outyay ofyay erehay eforebay ethay eaderray opsstay eadingray isthay orystay ecausebay eythay on'tday understandyay atwhay e'reway ayingsay.
Max: Eaderray?
DM: Evernay indmay.
Ethay ourfay enteryay ethay arpway olehay inyay ontfray ofyay emthay. Eythay omecay otay anotheryay ewnay aceplay.
Grit: Where are we now?
E. Gadd: The real question is...WHEN are we now?
Max: We didn't go back in time. Stop that.
E. Gadd: Hey, I thought it sounded cool.
DM: It was tremendously stupid. Don't do it again.
E. Gadd: You say that about almost everything I say!
Grit: Quit arguing, guys. We need to figure out where we are. Then we can find someplace to rest and relax...
Max: I don't have any problems with that!
Grit: ...forever.
Everyone stares at Grit.
Grit: What? Is it THAT bad to want a LITTLE relaxation?
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 57
Previously...oh, just read the darn part.
-Black Hole-
Sonja, who was somehow captured by Black Hole, is in court, apparently being tried for breaking a law.
Judge: You are found guilty of being a non-Black Hole CO. I hereby sentence you to death for your crimes! Er, I mean crime! TAKE HER AWAY!
Some Black Hole soldiers drag Sonja out of the courtroom.
Hawke: Congratulations, Adder, on capturing that CO. Her execution may take away the will to fight from the Yellow Comet soldiers once they see what's in store for them if we capture them.
Flak: But what if it makes them fight harder? You know, to avenge her death?
Hawke: Doesn't matter. We'll be rid of that stupid intelligence-gathering CO for good. That compensates for any fighting that's stronger.
Flak: I still can't figure out how she managed to steal our military secrets.
Adder: Because she hacked into our computers! Why didn't you put up that firewall like I told you?
Flak: I thought a firewall wasn't strong enough. So I put up a brick wall around the room the computer was in.
Adder: You're an idiot, Flak.
Flak: (sadly) I know.
A short time later, on Death Row...
Black Hole Soldier: Why the heck is this street called Death Row?
Black Hole Soldier 2: For the same reason the street over there is called Hades Drive and that one over there is Evil Boulevard. They want everything to sound ominous.
Um, at the OTHER Death Row...
Sonja: Well, this stinks. The Black Hole army captured me and then through their controlled courts sentenced me to death. I wonder when-
Some guards arrive.
Guard: Okay! It's time for your last meal!
Sonja: Already? But I was just sentenced this morning, and-
Guard: Yep, and your execution will be this midnight. We try to rush things along a bit.
Lord Seth: (in a cell across the hall) These last meal choices are terrible! Why can't you serve something like pancakes instead?
Sonja: Wait. YOU'RE on Death Row also?
Lord Seth: Yeah. And they don't offer you any good last meals!
Sonja: What are you here for?
Lord Seth: Well, it turns out being hated by everyone is actually a crime punishable by death in Black Hole.
Sonja: (to the guards) Oh, fine, I'll take Choice #2 on the menu.
Guard: Okay!
Lord Seth: I guess I'll take whatever that is.
The guards leave and in a few minutes return with food for Lord Seth and Sonja. Lord Seth eats a little of the food, then stops.
Lord Seth: I'm not feeling too hungry right now. Could you save the rest for me tomorrow?
Sonja: You're about to be executed! You can't have them save it for you!
Lord Seth: Really? Well, that stinks. Tomorrow I'm going to lodge a complaint.
Sonja: Tomorrow you'll be dead!
Lord Seth: Then I'll have even more to complain about!
Sonja: I hate you.
Lord Seth: Drats. I was hoping I could appeal, saying I wasn't hated by everyone because you didn't hate me. Well, I guess it just wasn't mean to be.
A few hours later...
Some guards appear and take Lord Seth and Sonja out of their cells and walk them down some hallway.
Lord Seth: Will that cool "Dead Man Walking" song start up soon? It would fit this perfectly.
Sonja: You're about to be killed and you want THEME MUSIC?
Lord Seth: What else would I want?
Sonja: To stay alive?
Lord Seth: I think I'd rather take cool theme music.
Sonja sighs in frustration.
Guard: Okay, Lord Seth gets firing squad. Sonja gets lethal injection.
Lord Seth: Phew! I'm glad I didn't get lethal injection. I'm really afraid of shots.
Sonja: Oh, and it's OK for you to get shot at?
Lord Seth: That's happened to me plenty of times. I don't have any problems with it.
Lord Seth and Sonja are taken in two different directions by the guards. Sonja is strapped into a chair while the Executioner takes out some shots that presumably have lethal chemicals in them.
Executioner: Don't worry! I'm really a Yellow Comet soldier in disguise! I'll get you out of here.
Sonja: Really?
Yellow Comet Soldier: Yep! I'll just take these shots that have poison in them and inject them into you. Then you'll be dead, and you'll be out of this prison.
Sonja: That's not exactly what I had in mind...
Guard: Too bad! It's the best we can do!
The guard pulls out some shots and uses them on Sonja. She appears woozy for a few moments, then collapses, dead. Then hidden cameramen come out of the walls.
Cameraman: That was a great line! "I'm really a Yellow Comet soldier". The ratings for Candid Black Hole Execution Camera" will skyrocket!
Will it skyrocket? Did this part go on a bit too long? How will Lord Seth get out of THIS sticky situation? How is this situation even remotely sticky? I mean, there's no glue or tape involved! Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.875!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 58
(a.k.a. World of the Wars)
Max: Seriously, where are we now?
DM: Hey, look over there in the woods! There are tanks and other various military...stuff (well, YOU think up a better noun!) that are all colored pink/orange. In fact, even the soldiers are colored pink/orange. Weird, huh?
E. Gadd: And over there on the road are a bunch of troops that are all colored blue. Weird, huh?
Max: And they're about to fight by shooting at each other! And we're in the middle! I say we stay right where we are and watch the battle.
Grit: Does that involve relaxing?
Max: I think so.
Grit: Let's do it!
E. Gadd: Here's a better idea. We all run away screaming so we aren't killed by the gunfire.
DM: Let's do that, but without the screaming.
So the four all run away, not screaming. Once they get a safe distance from the battlefield...
E. Gadd: Where the heck are we anyway?
DM: Well, let's see...the infantry blow up even when they're just hit by bullets...airplanes for some reason can't fly over soldiers on the ground...the soldiers and weapons on each side are the same color as all of the other soldiers and weapons on that side...the armies attack in turns...after the Artillery, Rockets, or Missiles move, they can't fire for a while for some reason...and some other random thing...
Max: Wait a minute! This is all seeming familiar...it's...it's...well, I had it for a minute, but I lost it.
Grit: I think we've come back to Wars World. But didn't everyone disappear?
DM: Maybe we DID travel back in time.
E. Gadd: No, I think it's just another planet. See, if there's infinite mass in the universe, there are an infinite number of planets. Because it's infinite, EVERYTHING that could have EVER happened happened SOMEWHERE in the universe. You'll even have planets where everything has happened exactly the same, and it'll be sometime in the future when what happens changed. So my guess is that this planet was formed a little after Wars World, or at least your version of it, was made. Then everything else happened EXACTLY the same as it did on your planet. So therefore this planet is a little behind your planet in terms of the timeline. Of course, this is just my hypothesis. We could be in an alternate reality or have gone back in time. But I think the different planet theory makes the most sense under the circumstances.
Everyone stares at E. Gadd.
E. Gadd: What?
DM: Look, it doesn't really matter. The point is, WE'RE here, and we need to get back to our own time/universe/planet.
Max: We just have to find another warp hole. No problem.
E. Gadd: It's not that easy! Warp holes don't grow on trees! Well, they do on the planet Warpholesgrowontreeshere, but it's not very common anywhere else!
Max: I'm trying to think of an idea, but these weird voices in my head keep distracting me.
Grit: Weird voices?
Max: AHHH! There's another one! Grit, it sounds just like you!
E. Gadd: Um, Max, I think-
Max: AHHH! Now there's one that sounds just like E. Gadd!
DM: Why do we even keep him around?
E. Gadd: Comic relief.
DM: Don't we ALL provide that?
Grit: Um, guys? You might want to look around...
The four look around and see they're all surrounded by the blue soldiers, who have presumably won the battle. Said soldiers are pointing guns at our heroes.
Soldier: For being a civilian and not helping out the Blue Moon army during combat, you are all under arrest.
Grit: I don't think that's even against the law...
Soldier: It's martial law! And who are you to say what's law, guy-who-looks-astonishingly-like-Grit-yet-we-know-can't-actually-be-Grit-for-some-random-reason-we-will-not-discuss?
Max: The voices are still going on! I can't get free from them! They won't stop! HEEEEELLLLLLPPPPPPP!!!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 59
(a.k.a. "There Has Never Been a Bad War or a Good Peace" -Some Random Guy)
The Blue Moon soldiers are all walking along, pointing guns at our heroes while they're forced to walk along. They're holding their hands on their heads. Our heroes, I mean. Not the soldiers.
Grit: I'm telling you, I AM Grit!
Blue Moon Soldier: Oh, really?
The Blue Moon soldier pulls out a walkie-talkie and pushes a few buttons.
Grit's Voice From Walkie-Talkie: What's the problem?
Blue Moon Soldier: Just making sure you're there.
The Blue Moon soldier turns off the Walkie-Talkie.
Blue Moon Soldier: Explain THAT.
Grit: Well, see, I'm Grit, except I'm from an alternate dimension-
E. Gadd: A different planet! I don't think alternate universes or dimensions actually exist! We're on a different planet. That, or we went back in time.
Max: We can find out with a quick question! (to Blue Moon soldier) Who's currently winning?
Blue Moon Soldier: Oh, we are. Despite Orange Star's new advisor, we're still pushing into Orange Star.
Grit: This universe-
E. Gadd glares at Grit.
Grit: -Um, I mean planet, CAN'T be in our past, because that never happened. It must be a different planet where Blue Moon didn't start losing after the new advisor showed up.
The Black Hole Soldiers, er, I mean BLUE MOON Soldiers (darn typos!), and our heroes finally come upon a Blue Moon base. The Blue Moon soldiers take our heroes into a room where Olaf is.
Olaf: Who are these?
Blue Moon Soldier: The prisoners we captured. I felt we should notify you, because one of them is a Grit impersonator and the other is that opposing CO Max.
Olaf: Hmmm...you did well. I'll deal with them later. Send them to the POW prison/camp until then.
Our heroes are led away.
Olaf: All is going to plan...soon Orange Star will be ours! And HE will be very happy!
The Grit from this dimension enters.
Grit: Well, I did manage to win some more land for you, Your Stoutness.
Olaf: Good! Have we managed to capture Nell yet?
Grit: Nope. I still do question if we really have the right to take these lands that-
Olaf: I'm the head CO! I make the decisions! Not you! Got that?
Grit: Yes.
Olaf: Good! Now let's move out! I have a plan that will let us take control of the Orange Star capital! (pause) I forgot. Am I supposed to be mad when you call me "Your Stoutness"?
Meanwhile...
Our heroes are led to the POW camp and thrust in.
DM: Aw man, I HATE Prisoner of War camps.
E. Gadd: Why? Have you been in one?
Max: Yeah, it's not like you were in a POW camp, then was released by Black Hole, then joined their army as thanks, but later deserted and met us, right?
DM: Um...nope! Not like that at all! (pause) Isn�t it weird that whether I said �no� or �yes�, it would actually seem to convey the same message?
Grit: It's cold out here. Let's go into that nice, warm POW building.
And so the four enter the building. Inside are all of the captured Orange Star soldiers. Unfortunately, being a Blue Moon CO in a POW camp filled with Orange Star soldiers that are all rather steamed at Blue Moon is not necessarily a good thing. Everyone glares at Grit.
Grit: I'm not feeling very welcome.
Max: Oh, sure you'll be welcome. Watch. (to the captured soldiers) Hi everyone! This is Grit. He's a Blue Moon CO. He helped Olaf in attacking Orange Star and is probably the reason some of you are here. And now he's right in here, and it's a perfect chance to beat him up in retaliation because he's so skinny and weak. Did I mention that his guns were confiscated?
All of the soldiers look menacingly at Grit.
Grit: Good thing I'm powered up by you, DM. I don't have to worry about them totally clobbering me.
DM: Um...yeah...about that...
Grit: Oh, please don't tell me your powers aren't affecting me right now.
DM: But that would be lying!
Grit: It's a figure of speech!
DM: Well, see, due to some random reason that will never be explained...
E. Gadd: There are WAY too many of those.
DM: ...at the moment you're not powered up. You're just plain old Grit.
All of the captured soldiers begin to approach our heroes menacingly.
E. Gadd: What a GREAT place to end this part!
DM: Shut up.
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 60
Previously, Lord Seth was sentenced to being executed by a Black Hole firing squad. Let's see how he's doing...
Lord Seth is tied to a pole while five Black Hole soldiers are all pointing guns at him.
Black Hole Soldier: Wait a minute. I thought it said in Advance Wars 2.5 that Lord Seth can't be killed by bullets.
Lord Seth: Um, Advance Wars 2.5 never actually happened, remember? At the end I turned back time so it never happened and everyone else forgot it all.
Black Hole Soldier: Ah, now I remember. Oh well. KILL HIM!
The Black Hole Soldiers all fire, but nothing happens.
Black Hole Soldier: Um, let's get some new weapons and try again.
The Black Hole Soldiers try again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. (Do me a favor, will you? Copy the words "And again." and paste them several dozen times here to replace everything that's in the parentheses. Done that yet? Good. Let's get back.) And again. And again. Lord Seth has fallen asleep in the meantime.
Black Hole Soldier: I give up. I guess the reason we can't execute him is because divine favor is upon him.
Black Hole Soldier 2 (puzzled): Divine favor? I thought we we weren't religious.
Black Hole Soldier: Well, favor from SOMETHING is keeping him alive. We don't want to anger said something, so let him go.
Lord Seth is untied. He walks off and leaves.
Another Black Hole Soldier runs up to the five after we started a new paragraph for no particular reason.
Black Hole Soldier: I have bad news! Our shipment of guns got mixed up! We got toy guns by accident!
Black Hole Soldier 2: Uh-oh...
Meanwhile...
Kid: Woohoo! My shipment of toy guns just arrived! I can't wait to try them out on everyone I know!
Ominous music plays.
-Orange Star-
Nell: Well, I suppose it's time to send all of our EWDs at Black Hole.
Sami: Won't that, like, start a nuclear war?
Nell: Well, if Andy developed that anti-nuclear weapon thing we asked him to...
Andy: Yep, it's developed!
Nell: All right then! SEND THE EWDS TO BLACK HOLE!
Orange Star launches all of its EWDs towards Black Hole.
Andy: You know, something just occurred to me. We say "EWDs". Since EWD is an acronym that spells out "Evil Weapon of Doom", doesn't the phrase "EWDs" actually mean "Evil Weapon of Dooms"?
Nell: No.
Andy: Oh.
-Black Hole-
Lash: Um, we have EWDs incoming.
Sturm: Well, sound the alarm to evacuate. But first shoot most of our our EWDs at Orange Star. Then shoot the rest at the other countries.
-Yellow Comet-
Sensei: Everyone to the bunker! The EWDs are coming down!
Everyone rushes into the bunker. Sonja, however, is a bit too late, and the bunker closes.
Sonja: Hey! Let me in!
Sensei: Okay, okay.
The bunker opens briefly and Sonja gets in. Then it closes.
Sonja: Phew! I got in.
At that exact instant, despite the fact the odds of it happening are about 1 in 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, Sonja was mysteriously teleported somewhere else. To be specific, a dimension inhabited by many intelligent daggers who automatically attack any living being who is unlucky enough to be there. Sonja appears there, the daggers all detect her and rush towards her, and...er...well, let's just say she Rests In Pieces.
-Black Hole-
Sturm: Those EWDs sure cause a lot of destruction. Well, it's time to retaliate! MAKE MORE EWDS AND DESTROY THE OTHER COUNTRIES!
Lash: We can't. All of our research notes were destroyed by the EWDs that hit Black Hole.
Sturm: You know, I'd start using certain four-letter words if not for the fact that Lord Seth is currently holding a gun to my head to prevent me from doing so.
Lord Seth: Hey, I just want to keep this at PG level!
Sturm: PG? I just was planning to say "boat", "foot", "book", "help", and "wars".
Lord Seth: Uh...
Meanwhile, out in space near Wars World...
Evil Alien Invader 1: Look at that planet over there! Let's go invade it and conquer it.
Evil Alien Invader 2: Oh, come on. Our race has conquered 1,000 planets just this past year, which for some random reason is the same length as an Earth year. Don't you want to take a break?
Evil Alien Invader 2: Evil Alien Invaders never take breaks!
Evil Alien Invader 1: Ooh, good point. Let's start the pre-invasion pre-planning.
Is it a good point? Did the previous question come a sentence too late? Will this invasion start up a dramatic plot twist? Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.875!
Read on!