Parts 41 to 50
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 41
(a.k.a. How To Split An Atom)
Later...
Our heroes wake up in a prison cell.
DM: This is the dumbest adventure I have ever been on.
Grit: Isn't it the only adventure you've ever been on?
DM: Yeah, but still!
Guard: About time you guys got up. We couldn't get you up because the tranquilizer darts were a bit strong, so you ended up sleeping through your trial. You're all sentenced to 20 life sentences for Disturbing the Peace.
DM: What?! Max was the one who did it all! And I hardly think Disturbing the Peace deserves 20 life sentences!
Guard: Well, had you paid attention during the trial, maybe you could have told the judge and jury that! But relax. 20 life sentences isn't THAT long. You may even get 10 life sentences off for good behavior.
Max: Woohoo! Did you hear that? If we behave well, we can get our sentence reduced to 11 life sentences!
Grit: 10 life sentences. You subtracted incorrectly.
Max: Even better!
DM: I can't believe I ever agreed to go on this stupid adventure with these morons.
Guard: Oh, and that gorilla with you probably shouldn't get any bright ideas about escaping. The bars and walls are made out of the strongest substance in the world: Stronganium.
E. Gadd: Stronganium? I haven't heard of that.
Guard: I know. I just made it up. Anyway, enjoy your 20 life sentences.
The guard leaves.
Max: It's 10 life sentences! 10!
Grit: Why did that guard seem so familiar?
Max: Yeah, I know. He did seem somewhat familiar.
Meanwhile...
The guard who had talked to them goes to the prison warden's office. As usual in one of those suspense things, the chair is facing away so we don't see the warden. The guard presses a button on him that was somehow hidden. It turns out the entire body was a disguise. It all folds up, revealing Flak.
Flak: Well, we got them in prison.
The chair whirls around (or whatever the appropriate verb is), revealing Hawke.
Hawke: Excellent...excellent. Everything is going exactly according to plan. Well, not exactly. Our ORIGINAL plan wasn't going correctly, so we made a new plan. This is going according to THAT plan.
Flak: I really hope Lord Seth doesn't forget about this conversation here in his plot. You know, like he did about various plot lines in Smithy's Successor.
Flak: What's Smithy's Successor?
Hawke: Enh.
Back in the prison cell...
Max: I just can't figure out what was so familiar about the guard. It kept reminding me of the letter F...
DM: The f-word?
Max: No! It didn't remind me of fuzz!
DM: How about the other f-word?
Max: It wasn't reminding me of fifty either.
DM: Crud. I'm all out of ideas now.
Grit: F...f...oh well, I'm sure it's not important. I say we just relax and let everything work itself out.
DM: Oh no we don't! The last time I tried that, I ended up hanging upside down above a pit of cobras in an undersea dome. I'm not going through that again.
E. Gadd: DM, there are no snakes around here.
Two guards (two new ones) walk by.
Guard 1: So the visitor is amazed by this prison's state collection. It turns out it's the largest of any prison. They said they couldn't believe the vast quantity of snakes we had.
E. Gadd: Well, there's no undersea dome.
Guard 2: Where are the snakes kept?
Guard 1: In the undersea dome, which is conveniently located right next to the prison.
E. Gadd sighs.
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 42
Lord Seth: Previously, Black Hole re-conquered Yellow Comet, conquered Blue Moon, and was cast out of Green Earth. Oh, and I laughed hysterically at Pearls Before Swine and FoxTrot. Gotta love the things that make the Funnies so darn funny.
-Black Hole-
Sturm: This conflict is taking too long. We conquer a country, they overthrow us. Then we conquer them again, and they'll probably overthrow us again. I want to ensure we can take over the world AND keep control of it. Therefore, we must mass-produce these Evil Weapons of Doom to destroy the other countries so we can conquer them.
Lash: But our Evil Weapons of Doom cause horrible radioactive stuff where they land! We'll have to wait a really long time before we can actually go there because of the radiation poisoning.
Sturm: How long? 1 day?
Lash: You really don't understand anything about Evil Weapons of Doom, do you?
Sturm: I know it takes so long to say their name that I'm going to replace them with EWD. So let's call them EWDs from now on.
Lash: I just KNOW there's going to be a WMD joke coming up.
Sturm: WMD?
Lash: It stands for Weapon of Mass Destruction.
Sturm: I like Evil Weapon of Doom more.
Lash: Whatever. We need a place to test it.
Sturm: How about Yellow Comet? We can use it to destroy one of their few remaining bases.
Lash: Hey, as long as people are being killed in cruel and horrible manners, I don't care where we drop it.
-Yellow Comet-
Sensei: This base is awesome! Its defenses are so good that only an Evil Weapon of Doom could even HOPE to penetrate it! Anyway, Kanbei and I are off to Green Earth to seek help. You stay here and man the base.
Sonja: But I'm female.
Sensei: It's a figure of speech! Oh, and there are a bunch of random people here other than Yellow Comet soldiers.
Sonja: Why?
Sensei: I don't know. Anyway, we'll get back to you in 14 days. Don't worry, there's no way you'll be attacked.
Sensei leaves.
Sonja: Well, there probably won't be anything that will happen here. I guess I can relax some.
A "falling" sound is heard. You know, the sound it plays when an anvil is dropped in Looney Tunes. Or was it Looney TOONS? Or was it Loony Tunes? Maybe it was Loony Toons. Well, whatever it was, we hear a sound like that.
Sonja: What's that sound?
Lord Seth: That would be the sound of an Evil Weapon of Doom falling towards this base. It'll completely wipe it out and kill 99.9% of all the people in it.
Sonja: HOW CAN YOU BE SO CALM ABOUT THAT WHEN YOU'RE IN THE BASE?!
Lord Seth: Oh, I'm part of the 0.1% that will survive.
The Evil Weapon of Doom hits the base, destroying it all and killing off 99.9% of the people in it. It also makes a cool mushroom cloud.
-Green Earth-
Kanbei: ...and that's our story. Will you help us out?
Eagle: Well, I-
Sensei comes in.
Sensei: Kanbei! Important news from Yellow Comet! An Evil Weapon of Doom, hereafter known as an EWD, hit our base and killed 99.9% of the people there.
Kanbei: That's horrible! Who were some of the people that were there that died?
Sensei: Well, aside from all of the many generic Yellow Comet soldiers that were killed, there was Sonja, Edgar M. Bogers, Kenny McKormick, and Seth.
Drake: Lord Seth?
Sensei: No, just some guy named Seth.
Eagle: Darn.
Kanbei: Well, the deaths were quick and painless, right?
Sensei: No, they were slow and horrible.
Kanbei: You heard that! You MUST help us fight Black Hole in order to avenge those deaths!
Eagle: Well, let's see...on one hand, it would be the right thing to do. On the other hand, I don't want people in Green Earth to be killed by Evil Weapons of Doom. It may surprise you, but I actually do care about the soldiers and citizens in here!
Jess: Really?
Eagle: Yes.
Jess: That's a surprise.
Was it a surprise? Will Green Earth help Yellow Comet? When the heck will we see Orange Star and Blue Moon again? Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.875!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 43
(a.k.a. A Giant Banana)
DM: Let's review. We're all in prison for 20 life sentences because of Max. I say we vote Max out of our group.
Max: You can't! I have the immunity idol!
Max holds up a rock.
DM: That's a rock.
E. Gadd: Or is it?
E. Gadd grabs the rock and pulls out a machine. He points it at the rock and pushes a button.
E. Gadd: This is no ordinary rock! This is a Mutant Rock from Outer Space!
Grit: What's the difference between a normal rock and a Mutant Rock from Outer Space?
E. Gadd: None except for the name.
DM: How about we just forget about that and try to figure out how to get out of here?
Grit: How about we just wait for our sentences to be up?
DM: That'll be a while.
Grit: Oh, it's just like I said. Just leave things alone and they'll work themselves out.
DM: Riiiight...no.
E. Gadd: I'll make an invention to help us escape!
DM: I guess we have no other option.
E. Gadd, in two seconds, makes a new, cool-looking invention.
Max: How do you do that?
E. Gadd: Do what?
Max: Make things so quickly when you have almost nothing to work with?
E. Gadd: Oh, I just made an invention that converted air into useful items for inventions.
Max: In two seconds?
E. Gadd: Yes.
DM: Wait. How did you even make the machine that made the other machine? You didn't have any materials!
E. Gadd: Oh, I made another machine to make that machine.
DM: How did you make THAT machine?
E. Gadd: I made a machine before it to make THAT machine.
DM: How did you...oh, forget it. This will go on forever.
E. Gadd: Well, let's test the invention out.
E. Gadd pushes a button on the machine. A boxing glove comes out of it and hits the wall of the prison. The boxing glove bounces back and hits the machine, destroying it, and leaving no lasting impact on the wall.
Max: We could be here a while.
Max leans on the wall. However, his utter strength makes the wall fall down.
DM: Hey! That's not what happened! It didn't fall down! That narrator is lying!
E. Gadd: Narrator? Are you losing your mind, DM?
DM: Yes, but only because I've been around you guys for so long!
Grit: Guys, guys, guys. Squabbling isn't going to solve anything.
DM: But it sure makes ME feel better!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 44
(a.k.a. The Bomb is Da Bomb)
E. Gadd: I'll make us another invention to help us out!
DM: Your previous invention failed miserably. What makes you think this one will be better?
E. Gadd: Um...I don't know.
DM: Exactly!
Grit: You're all being silly. Don't go for the ultra-dramatic escape. We should try to sneak out.
Max: How?
Grit: I don't know. I still say we wait it out. I was only throwing that out as a suggestion because I was getting tired of you guys arguing.
Meanwhile...
Lord Seth: I just tossed the "Meanwhile..." in for absolutely no reason. Don't ask me why. It probably had something to do with me playing Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door so much. Don't ask me how it had anything to do with that, though.
Back in the prison...
Max: Okay, the plan is all set. Let's go over it again. When the guards-
Some guards arrive. They open the cell door.
Guard: Sorry about the mistake. We actually meant to sentence you to just a few days in prison, which you've already done. You can go out now.
DM, E. Gadd, Max, and Grit all look at the guards, baffled.
Guard: Well? Get out of here before it gets overturned!
The four all quickly leave.
Meanwhile...
Hawke: Drat! They got to leave!
Flak: Well, the law IS the law...
Hawke: HE will not be pleased about this.
Flak: Who, Sturm?
Hawke: Quiet! That was supposed to build up suspense!
Outside of the prison...
Grit: See? I told you, just wait and let things work out for themselves.
DM: What now?
E. Gadd: We try to figure out where we are (glaring at Max) WITHOUT getting ourselves arrested. Then we try to get back to our own world. That is, of course, assuming we're in an alternate reality. We could just be on another planet, or somewhere else in our world. It's complete speculation until we get some data.
DM: Oh? And where do we find this information?
E. Gadd: The one place that has ALL the information...the public library!
Max: Oh no. I had a BAD experience with libraries once.
Grit: It couldn't have been that bad.
Max: It was so bad they banned me from all libraries for life.
E. Gadd: Excellent!
Max: No, that's bad.
E. Gadd: No, it's great! We can see if the library lets you in or not. If it does, then we'll know we're not on our planet. If it doesn't, we'll know we are.
DM: Wow...that actually seemed intelligent.
E. Gadd: Aren't I always?
DM: I refuse to answer that question.
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 45
Previously, Black Hole tested its Evil Weapon of Doom (also known as an EWD or atomic bomb) on Yellow Comet.
-Green Earth-
Kanbei: Well, you left us hanging last part on whether you would help us out or not. What's your answer?
Eagle: Well, I-
Sonja rushes in.
Sonja: Horrible news from Yellow Comet! After the success of their first EWD, Black Hole has used more! Our army is nearly finished! I barely got out of there alive! It's catastrophic! It's only a matter of time before they start attacking other countries!
Eagle: Well, if people would just give me a chance to-
Drake: Horrible! We HAVE to fight Black Hole before they target us next! Tell them we'll help them out!
Eagle: I want to give an answer, but keep getting interrupted-
Jess: I agree with Drake! But I think we should try to find a way to defend against the EWDs.
Eagle: I just wish you'd-
Sensei: Well? Out with it, Eagle!
Eagle: We-
Kanbei: Kanbei's waiting!
Eagle: THAT'S IT! I'M NOT DECIDING ANYTHING UNTIL YOU GUYS STOP INTERRUPTING-
Jess: A "yes" or "no" would do.
Eagle: ARGH!
-Blue Moon-
Grit: Well, it's time we take back our country.
Colin: Weren't we in Orange Star?
Grit: Yeah, but they decided to use their EWDs to defend themselves rather than use them to help us out. Now, what's the plan?
Olaf: Plan?
Grit: Yeah, you know, the plan for taking back our country from Black Hole.
Olaf: I was planning on just attacking them blindly without any plan.
Grit sighs.
-Orange Star-
Nell: Good thing we have these EWDs to help us out!
Sami: Um, Nell? If we both use EWDs, it'll only start a nuclear war that will end with the world being destroyed.
Nell: So?
Sami: (sighs) I hate this job.
Nell: Well, too bad. You signed that contract for life!
Sami: The "for life" was in such small print even a microscope would have have trouble seeing it!
Nell: Too bad! It's legally binding! Ask any lawyer in Orange Star!
Sami: That's only because you're bribing all of them!
Nell: Quit your whining.
Sami: Why?
Nell: The contract also states I can execute you if you whine too much.
Sami: I hate you.
Nell: Too bad!
Andy: I hate to interrupt all this hate speech, but don't you think we should be doing something productive? Like looking at the data we received from our spies in Black Hole?
Nell and Sami: No.
Andy: Where's Max anyway?
-Green Earth-
Eagle: Okay, I'm back and ready to give my answer. I'll...oh, Sonja, you might want to step away from that radiator. See, it has a tendency to explode, and-
The radiator explodes. Since Sonja was so close to it, the explosion kills her.
Eagle: -and kill anyone who's near it. Ah well. Can't save everyone. Anyway, my answer is-
What's his answer? Why do we have to wait even LONGER to find out? Where is Max? Will the Blue Moon COs think of a plan or just attack blindly? Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.875!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 46
(a.k.a. The Following Sentence Is False. The Previous Sentence Is True)
Grit: Well, here's the library.
The four all walk up to the library. A guard notices Max.
Guard: Hey! He's not allowed here!
E. Gadd: Well, I guess that answers-
Guard: Yeah! You've been banned from all libraries for two lifetimes, Flak!
Max: Um, my name is Max.
Guard: Oh. Sorry for the mix-up. You two look alike, you know. You can enter.
E. Gadd: Well, I guess that-
Guard: Wait a minute! There was a big guy named Max that was banned for life!
E. Gadd: I suppose now we know that-
Guard: Wait, he had red hair. Must have been a different person.
E. Gadd: Could we stop all of this-
Guard: No, wait, maybe his hair color was the same as yours.
E. Gadd: Would you just make up your-
Guard: No, wait. I think that there was something different between you and him. There was-
E. Gadd: Forget it. Let's just enter.
While the guard continues trying to figure out if Max is banned or not, the four enter.
Grit: Why were you banned anyway, Max?
Max: Let's see...it had something to do with the fact I accidentally destroyed the library.
Grit: How'd you do that?
Max: I can't quite remember. Let's see, it was either I leaned on a wall and made it fall down, or I tried to climb up a bookshelf to get something at the top, but it fell down, toppling the rest and then knocking over a wall, or I shouted really loud and it made the whole thing collapse, or I accidentally brought a bomb in and it blew up, destroying the library, or maybe I-
2 Hours Later...
Max: or it was that I checked out several books for a few years and forgot to return them, or it was-
Grit: Fine, fine! It doesn't really matter anyway! Let's just get done with the research!
Librarian: I'm sorry, but the library is now closed. You'll have to wait until tomorrow if you want to check out books.
Max: What?! No way! We refuse!
Librarian: If you don't leave, we'll have to call security.
Grit: You know Max, maybe we should just-
Max: No! We're staying in here, security or not!
Security guards show up, but Max beats them all up. He throws them all away, but they hit the walls, loosening up the foundation, and causing the library to fall apart.
Librarian: That's it! You're banned from all libraries for life!
Max: Now I remember! THAT'S how I got banned from those libraries!
DM: (rolls eyes) Huzzah. He finally remembers.
Meanwhile, in a completely different story...
-Green Earth-
Eagle: Okay, okay! I'll tell you! I'll help you out, if you help me out! Scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.
Kanbei: You want me to scratch your back?
Sonja: That's a figure of speech! Not to mention the fact everyone saw that joke coming.
Eagle: Okay, someone stole my lucky goggles. You need to figure out who.
Sensei: Don't worry! When Detective Sensei is on the case, you'll never...um, what are we talking about?
-Orange Star-
Sonja: Okay. WHY are we searching for Eagle's lucky goggles in ORANGE STAR?
Kanbei: Kanbei does not know. What do you think, that Kanbei actually knows things?
Sensei: Hang on...there's something important about this place...I just can't remember what.
Sonja takes a step forward. There's a giant explosion that kills her.
Sensei: Now I remember! We're in a minefield! Let's go back. I don't want to get killed by a mine just like Sonja was.
Kanbei: Kanbei thinks that's a good idea!
Back in our original and completely different (well, not COMPLETELY different) story...
E. Gadd: Well, we can't go to the library. Any ideas on what to do?
Grit: Just relax and let things-
Everyone: No!
DM: Well, it's hopeless. Let's just find some inn to stay for the night. Then we can recover our HP! And, depending on which we have, we can recover our MP, PP, or FP, or whatever it is we�re using to cast spells or use special abilities!
Grit: You're crazy, you know that?
DM: But not as crazy as that "Lord Seth" guy you keep complaining about, right?
Grit: No.
DM: Phew!
E. Gadd: Where are we going to find an inn?
DM: Let's see...over that way.
They walk in that direction and finally find an inn.
Max: How'd you know it was here?
Grit: Yeah, it's not like you were once a citizen here, but then left and joined the Black Hole army, but then left THAT and eventually encountered us, right?
DM: Um...nope, it's not like that at all! Not at all!
E. Gadd: Let's just check in.
The four go into the inn.
Receptionist: Hello! Do you want to stay at our inn?
DM: Yes.
Receptionist: Have a nice night!
Max: So now do we go up to our rooms or-
Everything turns black for a very short time, then goes back to normal.
Receptionist: I hope you had a good sleep!
Max: What? We never went to sleep!
Receptionist: Well, it's day now, and it was night when you checked in. Close enough! Now leave already!
The four leave. It's daytime now.
Max: That made absolutely no sense.
DM: It happens all the time in video games!
Max: Phooey on video games! All the characters are one-dimensional and stupid! Especially in turn-based strategy games! Especially in ones that feature things like Tanks and Bombers! All of those games are horrible! Don't you agree?
DM: I'd say it, but it's just too easy.
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 47
(a.k.a. The End of the Beginning)
Lord Seth: Time for a quick grammar lesson! "Atleast" is not a word. You can say "At least", but not "Atleast". This has been a very brief and not-funny-at-all grammar lesson. Now back to the story.
Back in our story...
Hamlet: To be, or not to-
Lord Seth: Wait, wrong story.
Back in the ACTUAL story...
E. Gadd: Okay, it's back to business as usual. Right now we STILL have to figure out where we are.
Max: We're on This Street.
E. Gadd: That wasn't helpful, Max. First of all, knowing what Street we're on doesn't help us out. Second, you didn't even tell us the name.
Max: Yes I did! This is This Street!
E. Gadd: Whatever street we're on is this street!
Max: No. If we were on that street over there, we'd be on That Street.
DM (munching on popcorn): I love these characters-get-mixed-up-over-names-that-sound-like-normal-words jokes. I hope it continues for a while.
E. Gadd: Oh, I get it now! You meant that this street is named This Street and that street is named That Street.
DM: Aw, crud.
Grit: I think it would've been funnier if we were at That Street instead. Then That Street would be this street and This Street would be that street.
Max: This is overwhelming my mind.
E. Gadd: Jokes tend to do that.
Max: Wait a minute. We wasted this ENTIRE part on a stupid "This Street" gag?
DM: Well, there WAS also that grammar lesson.
E. Gadd: What grammar lesson?
DM: Never mind.
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 48
Previously, the Yellow Comet COs were off to find Eagle's stolen lucky goggles, because Eagle said he'd only help them out if they found them. What, you say? You don't remember that from Part 45? Well, it was in Part 46! Ha! I'm mixing them up a little!
-Blue Moon-
Kanbei: Well, now we're in Blue Moon, because we didn't find the goggles in Orange Star.
Sonja: We barely even looked in Orange Star!
Suddenly, a weird portal opens and a device pops out. Then the portal closes. Sensei picks the device up.
Sensei: An Item-Finder/GPS! This will help us find the goggles! I wonder where this came from! Probably some alternate reality.
Meanwhile, in that alternate reality...
DM: You LOST your Item-Finder/GPS?
E. Gadd: Don't you find that kind of ironic? I mean, because I LOST something, now we're LOST in this spooky forest.
DM: I hate irony. (pause) Isn't that ironic?
E. Gadd: Not really.
Back on Wars World...
Sensei: Using this, we'll be able to find Eagle's lucky goggles in no time at all!
In no time at all...
Sensei: Who would've guessed that Black Hole took them? I'm so glad we found them in this base of theirs.
Sonja: Um, don't you think it would have been better to find them WITHOUT getting caught?
The camera, which doesn't really exist, zooms out some to suddenly reveal Black Hole soldiers are surrounded the three Yellow Comet COs and pointing guns at them.
Sensei: I don't know. I forgot.
Kanbei: Kanbei will get us out of here!
Kanbei pulls out his sword and uses it to knock out all the Black Hole soldiers. We would've had him kill them with it, but that was too violent, so he just knocks them out. The three then escape from the room.
Intercom: Attention. For absolutely no reason, this base will self-destruct in one minute.
The three start running out of the base they're in. Anyway, as per usual self-destruction stuff, doors start to close. Kanbei and Sensei get through one, but Sonja, who was behind them, doesn't get through one of them before it closes.
Kanbei: We'll save you!
Sonja: No! You must save yourselves! Otherwise you'll die here also!
Sensei: Good point.
Kanbei and Sensei run off.
Sonja: Wait! I didn't mean that literally!
A short time later...
Kanbei and Sensei manage to make it out of the base, which then promptly explodes.
Sensei: Well, better give the goggles to Eagle.
-Blue Moon-
Grit: Okay, we tried your plan of not having a plan when attacking Black Hole to free ourselves. Now let's try it WITH a plan.
One failed plan later...
Grit: Well, that didn't work. We lost half of our remaining army. Considering we lost half of our army thanks to Olaf's plan, that means we have-
Olaf: 1/100th of our original army?
Grit: ...
Colin: Wait a minute. I thought our army was disbanded.
Grit: We got a new one. Weren't you paying attention at all?
Colin: Not really. Remember when you told me that I should relax?
Grit: Yes.
Colin: Well, I kinda went too far with it. I ended up relaxing so much I went into a coma.
Grit: That was random.
Colin: I know. Anyway, so I woke up.
Olaf: That wasn't even funny! What was the point of it?
Colin: I don't know.
Grit: Why do we keep complaining about thinks that aren't funny, when they actually are?
Colin: I don't know.
Olaf: Neither do I.
Does anyone know? Is this story going downhill? Why do I keep asking if it�s going downhill anyway? Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.875!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 49
(a.k.a. Lost!)
DM: Great. We're lost in these woods because SOMEONE lost their Item-Finder/GPS.
E. Gadd: Why do you keep talking about what's been happening when we already know?
DM: Never mind.
E. Gadd: And anyway, how was I supposed to know that there was that stupid warphole-to-another-dimension thing there?
Meanwhile...
Lord Seth: Okay, okay, so the two different stories do cross over a little bit. Too bad. It's my story, well, stories, so shut up and write your own story if you don't like it. And if you didn't understand this bit here, too bad.
Back in the forest...
E. Gadd: Does this story all seem kind of male-centered to you? I mean, all 4 of the main characters in this story are male.
DM: Keep it down! Do you want ANOTHER cast change?
E. Gadd: Not really.
DM: Then don't say things like that!
E. Gadd: Maybe it could be like 8-Bit Theater. You know how White Mage is the only main female character, but she's not part of the regular four-person group? We could do something like that. Then we'd have a female character.
DM: What's that have to do with what's going on right now?
E. Gadd: Not much, really.
Grit: Guys, guys, guys. Let's not argue about things like that and instead try to find our way out of these spooky words.
Max: Don't you mean spooky WOODS?
Grit: Oh, yeah. That must've been a typo.
Max: How can something you SAY be a typo?
Grit: Well-
DM: I hate to cut you off at such a convenient time, but it's getting dark. We'd better try to find someplace to spend the night, because I doubt we'll manage to find our way out of here before darkness falls, and I don't want to be caught in the middle of this forest when it's night. There's ALWAYS some house or inn or something else in the middle of spooky woods. Of course, it shouldn't be there, and odds are staying in it will be a mistake, but it's probably better than staying out here where whatever weird animals here are.
E. Gadd: But what if ghosts come out? I'd LOVE to capture some ghosts so I can perform horrible and excruciatingly painful tests on them.
Grit: What the heck would you even use to capture them? I don't see that Poltergeist 3000 invention of yours.
E. Gadd: Actually, the current version is Poltergeist 4001. And I've got it right here.
E. Gadd pulls a tiny cube out of his pocket. He opens it and pulls a rather large Poltergeist 4001 out of it.
Max: What? How'd you do that?
E. Gadd: This little cube thing can compress things down so they're really small. I can store a LOT of stuff in it. Anyway, here's the Poltergeist 4001. I'll put it back in the cube until I need it.
E. Gadd takes the Poltergeist 4001, puts it in his cube, then puts the cube back in his pocket.
Grit: Let's just try to find a place to spend the night. There's got to be SOMEPLACE here that we can rest until the morning. Then maybe we can find our way out of here.
Max: Better make sure it has light. Otherwise those green glow-in-the-dark insects will devour us. The only thing they're afraid of is the light.
Everyone stares at Max.
Max: What? Am I the only one who saw that X-Files episode?
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 50
(a.k.a. One Bad Turn Deserves Another)
Grit: Let's stop stalling already and just find someplace to spend the night.
Max: Stalling? You think I'm STALLING? I'm looking as hard as I can!
Grit: I didn't mean YOU were stalling, I meant that-
Max: Look! A house in the middle of the forest! Let's go in and explore it for absolutely no reason!
DM: This sounds suspiciously like that one movie.
E. Gadd: What movie?
DM: You know, the one that was by that director.
E. Gadd: (rolls eyes) Wonderfully descriptive.
Grit: No, I think I remember what movie he's talking about. He's talking about that one with that actor.
Max: Me, too. It had that actor one scene.
DM: This joke isn't even funny.
E. Gadd: Fine! Fine! We'll go inside!
And so the four stupidly go inside the house.
DM: Hey! No editorials!
Okay, okay...
Max: Who are you talking to?
DM: This joke is getting old fast.
Max: You're talking to some guy named Thisjokeisgettingoldfast?
Grit: No, it means the joke is getting better. After all, he did say "this joke is gettin' gold fast."
DM: I hate you all.
Well, DM said that, but he didn't really mean it. He-
DM: What did I say about editorials?
Okay, okay! Anyway, they explore the house, which as I said was pretty stupid-
DM: Guys?
Grit: Yes?
DM: Would you excuse me for a moment?
Grit: Okay.
DM leaves the shot. Horrible screams are heard. He then returns to the shot.
DM: Okay, that's done.
Grit: What did you do?
DM: I put the narrator into retirement early.
Max: Narrator? You're getting weird again, DM.
Okay, let's start that again. It's my first day on the job as new narrator! You won't notice any differences, except there won't be the editorials.
DM: Good.
E. Gadd: This house is nice and spooky. Maybe I'll find some of those ghosts I was looking for.
Max: Wait a minute...what's that?
Max points to the right and the four all go look at something off screen, which we don't see because one of them is holding the camera and is pointing it at themselves.
Max: Where did we get a camera?
DM: Never mind!
The four all scream at whatever they see and whoever was holding the camera drops it. Everything fades to black. Then there's some weird voice-over that says something about how their bodies weren't ever found and this tape is all that remains.
Read on!