Parts 31 to 40
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 31
(a.k.a. 0100000101000010010000110100010001000101010001100100011101001000010010010100101001001011010011000100110101001110010011110101000001010001010100100101001101010100010101010101011001010111010110000101100101011010 Next time won't you not translate this?)
The four all peer into the room. The word "peer" in this case is being used in place of the word "look". "Peer" can also be used to imply friends or acquaintances, or just people like you. For example, a jury of peers. However, in this case, we are using the word peer as a synonym for the word "look". And, yes, I know I'm doing a bad Lemony Snicket impersonation. But I'm the narrator, so shut up. Anyway, they peered/looked in, and saw...
Grit: Absolutely nothing! There's nothing here!
Hey! Quit finishing my sentences!
Grit: Man, I was expecting some kind of big surprise. But there's no one here.
DM: I suppose someone could see that as a surprise, as they were expecting someone. In fact, they were expecting a surprise, so not having a surprise is a surprise. But that means they got what they were expecting, so it wasn't a surprise. But that itself is surprising as they were expecting a...wait, I confused myself.
Luigi: Don't worry. I do it all the time.
A loud moan/groan is heard. I don't know what the difference between the two is, so I wrote both.
E. Gadd: I bet it's a zombie! I hope it is, because then I can capture it. Then I can dissect it to find out information about it. I know a lot about ghosts, so I'm trying to learn more about zombies, which are also supernatural.
Grit: So where is that sound coming from?
Luigi: I think it's that really big thing over there.
Luigi points towards something big. It's in a shadow, so we can't make out what it is.
Grit: Man, why don't they have working lights in here?
Luigi: Oh, it's for suspense. If it's dark, we can't see things, and the suspense keeps up.
Grit: I hate suspense. Except for when I like it, of course.
DM: Isn't that true of everyone?
Grit: Er...I guess so.
E. Gadd: Let's just see what it is! If it's a zombie, I get first dibs on examining it in horrible and cruel ways.
DM: Is that even legal?
E. Gadd: It's dead! What can they prosecute me for?
Grit: Let's just find out what or who it is. As luck would have it, my gun can double as a flashlight.
Grit pulls out a gun and pulls the trigger. A bullet is shot out and hits the wall.
Grit: Whoops, wrong button.
Grit pulls the trigger in a slightly different way. A light emanates from it. For those unfamiliar with the word "emanates", it means "gives off". So the gun emanates light in the same way that a flashlight does. Grit shines it on the unseen object, exposing it. The camera suddenly shifts so we see Grit, DM, E. Gadd, and Luigi looking at it, but we don't see it. Don't ask me how the camera can shift when we don't even have one, though. Anyway, it reveals that the thing (or rather, person) is...is...aw, crud, I can't stall anymore. I'll come out and say it. It's a knocked out Max. You know, knocked out in the same way Sonja made him sleep back in Advance Wars.
Grit: Max? What's he doing here?
Luigi: Easy. They must have left him here. He'll probably wake up soon, and then we can ask him questions.
Grit: This story is moving WAY too slowly.
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 32
(a.k.a. Evil Giant Cheating Robot Monsters)
Max: Oh...I was having the strangest dream...it was about-
DM: Yes, you were kidnapped and brought to this fortress, we know. That joke's been done a lot of times.
Max: Huh? No, my dream was that there was a giant monkey terrorizing a styrofoam cup.
Everyone stares at Max.
Max: What?
Grit: (sighs) Just tell us what you can remember.
Max: Uh...let's see. It's all fairly foggy.
Luigi: You mean you were in fog?
Grit: Luigi, it's a figure of-
Max: Yep, he's right. I was in a lot of fog.
Grit: (sighs again) Well, do you know where our enemies took the rest of the captives and why they didn't take you?
Max: Let's see...for me...I think I was too heavy or something.
DM: Wait. They didn't take you because you were too heavy, but they took Olaf?
Max: Well, I do weigh a little more than him.
Grit: Just continue.
Max: I don't know where they took them, but I have a feeling I know where we can find out where they took him.
E. Gadd: Is this a sidequest? I love sidequests!
Grit: No, it isn't a sidequest.
Max: All I know is that the people who were taken from Wars World were transported to a different place than those who were taken from the Mushroom Kingdom.
DM: So this means Luigi will leave the party to go find his brother and the rest of the Mushroom Kingdom, Max will take his place, and we'll go in search of the people from Wars World, right?
Luigi: Pretty much. I found a map that should lead me to where Mario and the others are being held.
Grit: Why are you acting so intelligent all of a sudden? Isn't DM's power still affecting you?
Luigi: Corny plot device.
Grit: We get those way too often.
Luigi: Well, we'll probably meet up sometime in the future. In the meantime, I'm off.
Luigi leaves.
E. Gadd: So where WAS this place you think we could find out where they were?
Max: I think it was in a cave north of here.
Grit: Oh, great. Here we go on another ridiculous sidequest.
E. Gadd: You just said we WEREN'T going on a sidequest!
Grit: I was wrong.
E. Gadd: Excellent! Sidequests!
Grit: What are you, some obsessed AD&D player?
E. Gadd: Nah. I prefer ED&D.
Grit: ED&D?
E. Gadd: AD&D is Advanced Dungeons & Dragons. People like me prefer to go one level up. We play ED&D, or Expert Dungeons & Dragons.
DM: You had to ask.
Grit: So we're off on yet another detour. Lord Seth is, as always, stretching this out because he's low on ideas.
DM: Should I do my cool power-up thing on Max?
Grit: It'll probably just make him really stupid.
DM: Yeah, but the we'll have someone stupid. You always need someone stupid, because then you can make jokes on their stupidity. And Max acting stupid is more in character than Luigi acting stupid.
Max: Hey! I want a say in this! I don't want to just get dumber!
DM: Well, you get a lot stronger when you get dumber.
Max: Hmmmm...well...
E. Gadd: Oh, just go and DO it already.
So DM does that thingy he did before. It makes Max a lot more powerful. Unfortunately, it has its detrimental effects as well, which we will soon discover.
Grit: Let's just go. This has been such a waste of time.
E. Gadd: That's not true! We...uh...well, we got a new party member.
Grit: Stop talking about party members. It's too RPG-like.
Suddenly, the door slams shut.
DM: Uh-oh. This could be trouble. Well, at least poison gas isn't coming into here.
Grit: Idiot! That'll just make it happen!
DM: No gas is coming in. What IS happening, however, is that the walls are closing in on us.
Grit: Oh, crud.
DM: You say that too much.
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 33
Previously, Yellow Comet was attempting to help Blue Moon fight off Black Hole. Unfortunately, Blue Moon basically sat back and let Yellow Comet do all the work. Don't ask me how a country can sit, though.
-Blue Moon-
Sonja: Okay, we've got Black Hole on the run. Now all we need to do is-
An anvil falls out of the sky above Sonja for absolutely no reason. Sonja looks up and sees it. She sighs sadly.
Sonja: Darn my bad luck.
The anvil squashes Sonja flat, killing her.
-Orange Star-
Nell: Okay, I'm tired of Black Hole controlling us. There's only one thing to do!
Sami: Capture a zillion bases for no reason?
Max: Use tanks to smash our enemies? I've gotta smash 'em all!
Hachi: Try a new scheme to make a lot of money?
Andy: Something that isn't one of the things previously stated?
Nell: You're right, Andy! (pause) You were right?
Andy: Yep.
Nell: Okay, here's the plan. The five of us rush out and take out the Black Hole soldiers all by ourselves.
Max: Sounds good to me!
Sami: Wait. Wouldn't we be, like, overwhelmed?
Nell: I'm lucky, remember? I'm sure all of the shots will barely miss us.
Later...
Nell: Well, the shots kept almost hitting me, but never hit me. I took them all out. How about you guys? Um, guys?
Nell sees that Andy, Max, and Sami have all run away.
Nell: Oh well. Where'd Hachi go? I don't think he even came here in the first place.
Meanwhile...
Interviewer: So, how would you raise a million dollars?
Hachi: Hack into a bank and two million to my account. One million for the million dollars, the rest for bribery in case I get caught.
Interviewer: Um...okay. Well, that concludes this interview. We'll tell you in a few weeks if you got a part in Season 4 of The Apprentice.
Hachi: Haha! All I have to do is win, and all of Donald Trump's untold millions will be mine for the taking!
Interviewer: What?
Hachi: Nothing.
-Orange Star-
Nell: Oh well. I'm sure he's out doing something worthwhile...for himself, anyway. Well, Black Hole is out of here. I'm bored, so I'm going to use my luck to win the lottery for the 3,532,783th time.
Nell leaves.
-Black Hole-
Sturm: Status report, please.
Hawke: Well, we're in a standstill in Blue Moon, and Orange Star cast us out. So basically we're only in control of Green Earth.
Sturm: Eventually they'll cast us out, right? And then we'll conquered, and eventually overthrow them, conquer them, and then the cycle begins again, right?
Hawke: Sadly, yes.
-Green Earth-
Eagle: It's time! Time to TAKE BACK OUR COUNTRY!
DUMDUMDUM! [insert dramatic music here] Will Green Earth take back their country? Find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.875! (well, okay, maybe not NEXT time, but you know what I mean)
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 34
(a.k.a. The Cure for the Cure of the Cure of the Cure)
E. Gadd: I'll make an invention to help us out!
DM: No.
E. Gadd: Please?
DM: No.
E. Gadd: We're going to die anyway! We might as well take a chance!
Max: I sure wish we had some tanks. Tanks will solve any problem.
Grit: Max, YOU'RE really strong. Why don't YOU push the walls back?
Max: Fine, fine.
Max pushes on the wall. Of course, with his already high strength increased, he ends up breaking the wall and clearing a path for everyone to leave.
E. Gadd: That was interesting.
DM: And pointless.
E. Gadd: That wasn't pointless! Max saved our butts! And the other parts of our bodies!
DM: Let's just go north and find that cave already.
Meanwhile...
Sturm: What is going on?
Smithy: Well, Grit and his group managed to rescue Max AND escape from our trap. I KNEW we shouldn't have left him there.
Smithy: Um, I was referring to this show I'm watching. I can't figure it out.
Smithy: Sturm, you're staring at a test pattern.
Sturm: I was wondering why the characters weren't moving around much.
Smithy: I hate how his intelligence fluctuates so much. He'll be stupid one scene, intelligent the next...in fact, sometimes he even fluctuates within scenes.
Sturm: Wait, the prisoners escaped? Well, send a squadron of our best trained troops out!
Smithy: Case in point...
Sturm: Who are you talking to?
Smithy: Never mind.
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 35
(a.k.a. Tanks vs. Rockets & Artillery vs. You)
Max (singing): We're on our way! We're on our way! We're on our way to wherever the heck we're going! We're on our way! We're on our way! We're on our way to wherever the heck we're going! (stops singing) Um, where are we going anyway?
Grit: We're trying to find some cave to the north.
DM: This is boring. Why can't something interesting happen? Like an unexpected and super-powerful enemy coming, or us falling into a trap, or some other semi-dramatic plot twist served only to stretch out this story even more.
E. Gadd: Why do you have to say things like that?
DM: Because it's part of my personality...I think.
E. Gadd: Well, there's only one way to find out. We roll the dice to see if we're going to have a random encounter!
DM: Let me guess. Your obsession with D&D-
E. Gadd: ED&D! We Expert Dungeons & Dragons players refuse to be considered that of a lowly Dungeons & Dragons player.
DM: Well, your obsession with ED&D is basically going to make you act like Red Mage from 8-Bit Theater, because Lord Seth (whoever the heck he is) is too lazy to think up personalities himself. Or maybe it's just as a tribute to that great series, which can be found on nuklearpower.com! (pause) Why did I just say that?
E. Gadd: Okay, time to roll to find out with the 1,000-sided die!
E. Gadd pulls out a 1,000-sided die and rolls it.
E. Gadd: 987. That means we won't have a random encounter, but something unexpected will happen in the next (he rolls another die) 2 minutes.
DM: Wait. So does it happen BECAUSE you rolled the dice, or did the dice just reflect what was already going to happen anyway?
E. Gadd: I don't know. Let's ask the dice.
Grit: I've got a better idea. How about we just forget about the dice and focus on the task at hand?
Max: I've got an even better idea. How about we forget about focusing on the task at hand and concentrate on Tanks?
Grit: Tanks?
Max: Yeah! Tanks are always useful!
Grit: Rockets and Artillery are better.
Max: They can't even fire immediately after moving!
Grit: Well, at least when they fire they're not fired back upon!
DM: How about we agree that there are some advantages and some disadvantages to each, so they end up being as good as each other?
Grit and Max: No.
DM: Well, why don't-
Our heroes, who probably should have been looking where they were going rather than talking, walk into a hidden trap. They all fall into a pit. A VERY deep pit.
E. Gadd: See? I told you!
Max: AAAAHHH! WE'RE GOING TO BE STUCK HERE THE REST OF OUR LIVES!
Grit: Calm down, Max. Just take it easy. I'm sure that someone soon will come and help us out.
DM: It'll probably be whoever dug this pit. They might get us out, but I doubt we'll like what they do to us.
E. Gadd: Why do you always have to be so negative?
DM: What? It's how it always goes. Now, they should be showing up right about...now.
Loud rumblings are heard.
Max: AAAAAHHHH! IT'S GOING TO BE JUST LIKE JURASSIC PARK!
Grit: Would you just settle down, Max? Everything will work out in the end.
The noises get louder! And louder! And louder! AND LOUDER! AND LOUDER!!!!!!!!!!!!! Um, anyway, it turns out it's a bunch of dragons. They throw a giant net (don't ask me why they'd have a net) over our heroes, and then drag them off.
Grit: See? I told you if we just relaxed we'd get out of that hole.
Max: We could be killed! You think we should relax?
Grit: Yes.
E. Gadd: I'll just roll a dice to see if we're killed!
E. Gadd pulls out a dice and rolls it, but it falls out of the net and onto the ground. They don�t see what it ends up rolling.
E. Gadd: Noooo! Now we'll never know if we're going to live through this!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 36
To recap, here's the present state of Wars World:
No one is occupying Black Hole because everyone evacuated.
Black Hole is in control of Green Earth and is invading Blue Moon.
Orange Star has cast Black Hole out.
Yellow Comet has cast Black Hole out and are trying to help Blue Moon fight off Black Hole.
Red Sun isn't in control of anything because Red Sun doesn't exist.
-Green Earth-
Eagle: Okay, is everything ready for Operation CastOutBlackHole?
Jess: Wouldn't it be better to pick a name for the operation that DOESN'T say exactly what it's going to do?
Eagle: No. Basically, the plan is to bomb the heck out of anywhere Black Hole is on Green Earth.
Drake: Wouldn't that kill thousands of innocent Green Earth citizens?
Eagle: Yes.
Drake: Just so we're clear on that.
-Blue Moon-
Lash: Okay, with my newest invention, we should be able to turn the tide and conquer Blue Moon.
Sturm: What IS this invention of yours?
Lash: It's a deadly virus! We just have to set it loose on Blue Moon and it'll kill most of them off, allowing us to easily gain control. Not to mention that since Yellow Comet's army is there, it'll kill them off also, so we can re-conquer them also.
Adder: Isn't that against the rules of war to use viruses like that?
Sturm: Phooey on rules of war! We'll fight by MY rule!
Hawke: What's your rule?
Sturm: To have no rules.
Hawke: Wait. How can you have a rule if you have no rules?
Sturm: Um...good point. Okay, let's fix that. My GUIDELINE to war is to have no rules.
Flak: That makes more sense.
Later...
Lash: Wow! We're definitely doing well. The virus has wiped out 1/2 of Yellow Comet's army already.
Flak: I say we launch a giant missile to take out the other half.
Sturm: Good idea! Write that down somewhere! But in the meantime, let's conquer Blue Moon, and then Yellow Comet! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-
1 hour later...
Sturm: -HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Okay, I'm done.
-Orange Star-
Sensei: Uh-oh! One half of our army has been killed off by some evil plague.
Sonja: Well, we're going to work hard on finding a cure, right?
Sensei: Nope, we're just going to draft everyone into the army. Maybe 10% of them will survive, and they can help us out.
Sonja sighs. Then she notices a pink spot on her hand.
Sensei: It's a good thing I memorized the information about the sickness! The first symptom is for a pink spot to appear on your hand...hey, just like on yours!
Sonja: Uh-oh.
Sensei: Then your skin will turn completely yellow...kinda like how yours is! Anyway, about 8 seconds after that, you drop dead.
Sonja: (sighs) I hate my life SO much...
Sonja drops dead.
Sensei: Yeah, you drop dead, kinda like that!
Boy, we didn't really see much of what Green Earth did. Will they take back their country? Will Black Hole conquer Blue Moon and re-conquer Yellow Comet? Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.875!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 37
(a.k.a. USCF>FIDE)
DM: So now we're being dragged along by dragons to who-knows-where, while we're all trapped in a net.
E. Gadd: Enh. Saw it coming.
Grit: DM, who are you even talking to?
DM: Never mind.
Max: We'd better get some Tanks! The Tanks can bust us out of this net! It's the perfect plan!
Grit: Where are we going to get Tanks?
Max: Okay, so it's the ALMOST perfect plan.
E. Gadd: I'll make some tanks!
Everyone: No.
Max: How can you make tanks when we're stuck in here?
E. Gadd: I don't know.
Max: Great. We're doomed.
DM: Yep. I'm pretty sure the Dragons are dragging us along to be sacrificed for their Annual Pointless Sacrificing Ritual.
Grit: How did you know that?
Max: Yeah, it's not like you were previously almost sacrificed but managed to escape, then joined the Black Hole army, then left that, and then we met you, right?
DM: Um, right. It's not like that. Not at all. Oh, and isn't what you said a run-on sentence?
After some pointless conversation that, while hilarious, we won't show for no apparent reason...
DM: Great. Now we're inside a cave and are being hung above a pool of lava.
Grit: Why are you saying that? We all KNOW that.
Max: WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!
Grit: Calm down. You can never make a situation better by worrying about it.
Max: HOW CAN YOU STAY SO CALM?!
Grit: Like I said, I never made a situation worse by worrying about it.
Max: I hate you.
DM: Anyone have any idea how to escape before we're all killed off?
E. Gadd: Only one way to find out! We roll the die to see if one of us has a weapon capable of cutting through the net!
E. Gadd rolls the die. Of course, it falls right into the lava.
DM: That was COMPLETELY pointless.
E. Gadd: No it wasn't. The die is lava-proof. It'll float to the top and we can see what it ended up as.
As he said, the die floats up to the top. E. Gadd looks at it.
E. Gadd: Yes! One of us DOES have a weapon capable of letting us out of here!
DM: That's ridiculous. You can't suddenly make someone have a special weapon just because of a die roll.
Max: Wait! I just checked my pocket and found a knife! What do you know know, it's just strong enough to cut through the net.
DM: I hate you.
Max: Now to cut us out of here!
DM: Why aren't the dragons even paying attention to us?
Grit: Corny plot device.
E. Gadd: I'm getting tired of those.
Grit: Don't complain. They usually end up saving our lives.
DM: Just cut us out. And be careful that you don't end up making us fall into the lava pool.
Grit: Better let me do it. You're pretty clumsy, Max.
Max: CLUMSY?! DID YOU SAY CLUMSY?!
Max, in his anger, accidentally cuts the net incorrectly. The four all fall...right towards the lava pool.
Grit: Yes, I said clumsy.
E. Gadd: Next time people ask me to help them along some zany quest, remind me not to accept.
DM: Okay! Next time some people ask you to go on a zany quest, don't-
E. Gadd: Shut up.
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 38
(a.k.a. Death waits all who read these words...and all who don't read them, come to think of it)
DM: Why is it taking so long for us to hit the lava pit?
Max: DM, don't complain!
DM: Of course I'm complaining! It makes no sense! I demand an explanation!
E. Gadd: Did you see Spy Kids 2?
DM: No.
E. Gadd: Remember the scene when they're falling through the volcano for a long time, but it turns out they fell only a really short distance?
DM: I just said I didn't see it.
E. Gadd: Well, basically it's probably for the same reason as it was in the movie.
DM: I SAID I DIDN'T SEE IT!
E. Gadd: Exactly.
DM: ARGH!
E. Gadd: I get that a lot. But now that I think of it, maybe it's not for the same reason as on the movie...
Grit: Enough talking. Let's just figure out how we can avoid falling into the lava pool.
E. Gadd: I'll whip up an invention to stop our fall!
DM: Oh, please no!
E. Gadd: Do you have any better ideas?
DM: Um...we do nothing and fall into the lava?
Grit: I agree with DM. Just do nothing and things will take care of themselves.
Max: AND WE'LL ALL DIE!
DM: Maybe the lava will turn out to be tomato juice.
Max: THEN WE'D ALL GET COVERED IN HORRIBLE, YUCKY, TOMATO JUICE!
Meanwhile...
Lord Seth: Greetings and welcome to yet another of my infamous pointless skits! As usual, this one will be here just to stretch this part out long enough. Anyway, today we're going to answer the age old question, "What is the age old question anyway?"
Random Person: That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard.
Lord Seth: Give me some credit. It's ONE of the dumbest things you've ever heard.
Random Person: No, I think it's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
Random Person 3: Are you sure?
Lord Seth: What happened to Random Person 2?
Random Person 3: He was transported to an alternate reality.
Random Person: I stand corrected. THAT is the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
Lord Seth: See? I was right! Well, that's all we have time for. Join us next time when-
Random Person: Wait! You never answered the question! What is the age-old question?
Lord Seth: Oh, you want an answer to "What is the age-old question?". Well, the answer to that is "What is the age-old question?". The age-old question is, in fact, "What is the age-old question?"
Random Person: I stand corrected again. THAT is the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
Random Person 2: I'm back from that alternate dimension! Did I miss anything important?
Meanwhile...
E. Gadd: Okay! I made a Levitator! It'll let us levitate so we won't fall into the lava pool.
E. Gadd pushes a button on the invention. It promptly explodes, and they all fall faster.
DM: I knew that would happen.
E. Gadd: Don't blame me! Blame the person who made that invention!
Max: Aren't you the person who made it?
E. Gadd: Oh yeah...
Grit: Could we quit wasting time and just hit the lava already? I'm getting tired here.
Max: Grit?
Grit: Yes?
Max: When we're dead after you said that, remember that it was all YOUR fault.
And so, all four of them plunge right into the lava, leaving us with yet another suspenseful ending. And with yet another extremely drawn-out part. Ah well, you know what they say! "It's better to give than to receive". No, wait, that's not right. Ah, yes, it's "A watched pot never boils". No, that's not it either. Ah! I've finally got it! It's "Never eat your best friend's goldfish while 2,000 feet beneath the ocean when you're doing a headstand." Follow that piece of advice, and you won't ever eat your best friend's goldfish while 2,000 feet beneath the ocean when you're doing a headstand.
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 39
Previously...uh...let's see, what did happen previously? (goes off to check) Well, Black Hole unleashed a deadly virus which wiped out half of Yellow Comet's army.
-Black Hole-
Hawke: Well, it's nice that we managed to recover our country, re-conquer Yellow Comet, AND conquer Blue Moon.
Sturm: Who are you talking to?
Hawke: No one.
Lord Seth: Wow. That was sure a convenient way to avoid going into any detail about what happened.
Hawke: The bad news is that Green Earth has cast us out.
Sturm: Who are you talking to?
Hawke: No one.
Lash comes in.
Lash: Lord Sturm! Lord Hawke! Lord Seth! I've been developing yet another Horrible Weapon of Doom!
Sturm: What?
Lash: It's a special kind of bomb! It works by splitting atoms up and harnessing their energy! I call it the Ultra-Bomb 3000!
Lord Seth: Are we going to do this in EVERY Advance Wars fanfic I write?
Lash: Probably. Anyway, my evil plan is to sell them to the other countries. Then we'll make tons of money and they'll be broke!
Sturm: Let's just stick with bombing the heck out of them.
Lash: Fine! Throw away a fortune!
-Orange Star-
Hachi: So Black Hole has developed a new Evil Weapon of Doom?
Employee: I thought it was called a Horrible Weapon of Doom, not an Evil Weapon of Doom.
Hachi: Evil Weapon of Doom sounds so much cooler, though!
Employee: Well, you're the boss.
Hachi: Exactly! Now, steal the blueprints! We're going to make our own and sell them to make a fortune!
-Yellow Comet-
Kanbei: Well, we're currently outnumbered 1000 to 1 by the Black Hole soldiers. "We", of course, being the Yellow Comet army.
Sonja: This hideout IS secure, right? Black Hole won't find us here, right?
Kanbei: Absolutely! This location is top-secret!
Sensei: Top-secret? I wish I had known that before I told that guy who looked suspiciously like a Black Hole soldier all about where this base is.
As if on cue, (and it probably was) many Black Hole soldiers burst in.
Kanbei: Retreat!
The Yellow Comet COs and the Yellow Comet soldiers all rush out while the Black Hole soldiers open fire. Kanbei and Sensei, along with most of the soldiers, manage to make it out alive. However, Sonja is a bit too slow and is gunned down by all of the firepower, along with some other soldiers.
Kanbei (looking back): Oh no! Kanbei's precious daughter is dead! I must go back and retrieve her dead body for no reason!
Sensei: That'll just get you killed! You want to risk your life just to get someone who's dead?
Kanbei: Good point! (starts running faster)
Adder comes upon the scene and looks at all of the slain Yellow Comet soldiers.
Adder (into communicator): Excellent news. We have managed to kill off some of the few Yellow Comet soldiers remaining. Oh, and we got that pesky CO Sonja also. That means we only have to worry about Kanbei and Sensei. Sonja is out of the picture permanently! Yeah!
-Orange Star-
Nell: And why should we help you out? You invaded us a while back!
Grit: Um...because Black Hole is your enemy also?
Nell: Not good enough of a reason. Maybe if we had some kind of Evil Weapon of Doom, we might try to help you out.
Andy: Really? Well, Hachi's selling Evil Weapons of Doom for $100,000,000,000 each.
Nell: Order us some! What's the exchange rate between dollars and Orange Star credits again?
Andy: Um...1 to 1.
Nell: Well, then buy one less Evil Weapon of Doom than you were going to before. I was expecting that we'd have to spend 100,000,000,000 Orange Star credits on each Evil Weapon of Doom, but since it seems they cost more...
Grit: Uh, they're actually the same price.
Nell: No talking back to your superior!
Grit: You're not my superior. Olaf is, sadly.
Nell: Well, you could come back to Orange Star.
Grit: I'll consider it. (pause) Okay, considering is done. I'm sticking with Blue Moon.
Nell: Whatever! Andy, just get us those weapons!
Andy: Ay ay, Nell!
Nell: You mean "aye aye", not "ay ay".
Andy: What's the difference?!
Nell: One's grammatically correct, the other isn't.
Andy: Well, maybe I was speaking Spanish!
Nell: Are you doing that thing where you make up languages again?
Andy: No...Spanish is a real language.
Nell: Yeah, right. Next you'll be telling me that I'm acting like a total moron.
Is Nell acting like a total moron? Will the Evil Weapons of Doom have any effect on the conflict at hand? What is the hand even having a conflict anyway? Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.875!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 40
(a.k.a. The Death of Literature Begins With This Story)
Max, Grit, DM, and E. Gadd are all surrounded by blackness.
DM: Great job, Max. Now we're dead.
Max: Why are you blaming me?
DM: Because you were the one who cut the net and made us fall into the lava!
Max: Look, let's not argue about whose fault it is. Let's all take equal responsibility.
E. Gadd: How about I whip up an invention to-
Everyone: No.
E. Gadd: You didn't even know what I was going to say!
DM: It doesn't matter. Whatever it is, it will probably just backfire.
Grit: How about we stop arguing and just relax?
DM: I say we walk towards that light that's over there. It may surprise you guys, but I'm actually afraid of the dark.
E. Gadd: It doesn't surprise me.
Grit: Or me.
Max: It surprises me, though.
DM: Let's just go over there.
So our heroes all walk towards the mysterious light.
DM: I know where this is going.
They reach the light and end up walking out of a tunnel. They reach a busy street with plenty of cars.
DM: I don't know where this is going.
Max: THIS is the afterlife? A busy street? Somehow, I was expecting more.
E. Gadd: No, I think the more logical explanation is that we were somehow transported to an alternate dimension. That, or we're somewhere else in our own dimension. The only way to find out is to ask directions.
Max: I'm great at that!
Max grabs one of the cars someone is driving and tears it apart. He then grabs the person by the neck.
Max: Where are we?
The person is clearly too frightened to answer. Getting no response, Max lets the person go and proceeds to do the exact same to all of the other people in the cars.
Max: Well, that got us nowhere.
A dozen or so police cars drive up to where they are.
Max: Wow! I bet they're going to help us out!
The police pull out guns and shoot tranquilizer darts at DM, Grit, and E. Gadd. They all collapse after the first tranquilizer darts. It takes 40 darts, however, until Max finally collapses. No, that's a bit unbelievable. It takes 20 darts instead.
Read on!