Parts 21 to 30
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 21
Previously, we wasted time with parodies of different genres.
-Black Hole-
Sturm: Is the Anti-Forceshield Machine ready?
Lash: No. I told you to wait a year.
Sturm: But I can�t wait that long! I can�t wait 724 days!
Lash: Um, a year is 365 days.
Sturm: Not where I�m from!
Lash: Well, HERE it�s 365 days.
Sturm: Oh. I guess I can wait that long, then.
1 day later...
Sturm: I can�t! I can�t wait! Please! Finish!
Lash: It takes a while to do this! We have to analyze their forceshield�s frequency, and then figure out how to bypass it! Find something to do in the meantime.
Sturm: Like what?
Lash: Something other than invading another country!
Sturm: There�s something different than invading another country?
Lash: Yes.
Sturm: Wow. I never knew that.
-Blue Moon-
Colin: Why is it on us so often?
Grit: Well, Black Hole has conquered Green Earth, Yellow Comet, and Orange Star. Since there�s nothing interesting going on there, the only places people are interested in is Black Hole and Blue Moon. Which is why it�s on us so often.
Lord Seth: Ha! I�ll show you! I�ll go to a different country right now!
-Yellow Comet- (currently known as Black Hole III)
Yellow Comet Soldier: Okay, are we ready?
Yellow Comet Soldier 2: Yep. We�ve got everything ready. With the leadership of our COs who are currently somewhere that�s not here, we�re going to take back our country from Black Hole.
Will they do so? Was this whole part just filler? Was it too short? The answer to all of these questions is a simple �Yes�.
Lord Seth: Oh, way to give away what�s coming up!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 22
(a.k.a. Pigs on Buttery Sticks Don't Taste Good)
Grit: We've been walking for hours!
E. Gadd: How about I whip up an invention to make us move faster?
Everyone: No.
DM: Why did you just say no to your own question?
E. Gadd: What?
DM: Everyone said no. That includes you.
E. Gadd: Really?
DM: Yes. "Everyone" means every single person, or at least every person in a certain vicinity. Therefore, it includes you.
E. Gadd: Wow!
DM: Yes. Exactly.
Grit: When are we going to get anywhere? This is boring.
A pause.
Grit: Doesn't Luigi usually jump in to say something really stupid?
DM: Yes...
E. Gadd: So why hasn't he?
The three look around. Luigi is gone.
Grit: Oh, great. Now we'll have to backtrack just to find him.
DM: No way! I'm not going to walk that far again! Let's just go on and hope he turns up.
Grit: Well, that IS what usually ends up happening.
E. Gadd: I've got a better idea! I'm going to make an invention to find him!
E. Gadd pulls an invention out of his pocket.
E. Gadd: Wait, screw that. I've already got one.
E. Gadd presses a button. A giant arrow appears out of nowhere and points in the direction they were going in.
Grit: He's in the direction we're going in?
I just said that!
Grit: Shut up.
DM: Who are you talking to?
Grit: Forget it. So we just have to go in that direction?
E. Gadd: No, that's just the direction he's definitely NOT in.
Grit: Your inventions don't work very well, do they?
E. Gadd: You're just figuring that out?
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 23
(a.k.a. An Oompa Loompa Crusade)
Grit: Why is it we never seem to get anywhere? It's taking too long for us to do stuff. If this was Advance Wars 2.75, we'd have finished this nine parts ago.
DM: Yeah, but that was written a bit differently. That was a collection of pointless skits that went quickly. This is a drawn-out adventure.
Grit: Wait a minute...how did you even know that? You weren't in the story!
DM: Well, how I know is an even longer story than Advance Wars 2.75 was.
Grit: Never mind, then.
E. Gadd: What are we talking about?
Grit: Forget it.
E. Gadd: But how can I do that? How can I somehow, upon request, erase it from my mind?
Grit: I don't know! Make an invention to do it!
E. Gadd: That's a great idea!
DM: Grit?
Grit: Yes?
DM: Shut up.
Meanwhile...
Sturm: Argh! Our prisoners have escaped!
Smithy: Well, why don't WE step in and finish them off?
Sturm: But with DM with them, they might be too powerful for us! Let's send a minion to deal with them and see their power before doing anything else.
Smithy: You're not as stupid as you were in Advance Wars 2.5 and 2.75.
Sturm: Well, when I rebuilt myself, I accidentally made myself more intelligent.
Smithy: Let's get back to the point. What should we do about those four?
Sturm: Let them go on their merry way and do nothing.
Smithy: I thought you were smarter!
Sturm: Well, my common sense hasn't really improved. Ooh! Is that a frayed electric cord? I must touch it!
Smithy: Wait, don't!
Electrical fizzling is heard (if that's even a word), followed by a large explosion.
Smithy: He'll be back. In the meantime, what should I do? I know! I'll do that thing about the minion testing them out!
Back to where our major characters are...
E. Gadd: My invention is complete! Let's see if it works!
E. Gadd presses a button.
E. Gadd: Strange. Nothing happened. I still remember that. (he examines it closely) Oh, I entered my DNA incorrectly! It was off. It must've affected someone else. Well, I guess that's good, because I accidentally set it too high and it would've wiped out my entire memory. I wonder who was unlucky enough to suffer the consequences.
Meanwhile...
Lord Seth: Argh! Curse you, Ambrosia Software, for making such highly addictive games! I can't stop playing this game! (he stiffens) Wait a minute...what am I doing? Come to think of it, who am I? Where am I? (pause) Oh, my memory's back. I wonder why I've been having these 10-second-a-day amnesia episodes for my entire life. Oh well.
Back to where our heroes are...
E. Gadd: Well, I'm sure it wasn't anyone important.
DM: Could we just get going already?
Suddenly, a giant monster appears. It's worthwhile to point out that it's bigger and stronger-looking than the monster Grit and Luigi fought at the beginning of this story.
Grit: Well, we can see if we are more powerful thanks to DM.
Grit pulls out his handgun, it it suddenly changes into a bazooka. He aims it at the monster and fires. The monster is hit and there's a giant explosion. When the explosion clears, the monster is no longer there because if we actually showed anything it would be too gory and this story would be upped to PG-13 or R rating.
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 24
Previously, we had a part only for filler.
-Yellow Comet-
Black Hole Soldier: This place is boring.
Black Hole Soldier 2: Yeah, I almost wish there was a rebellion so we could get some excitement.
Swarms of Yellow Comet soldiers all rush in and kill all the Black Hole Soldiers.
Black Hole Soldier 2: I said almost! Almost!
-Black Hole-
Sturm: We have just received word that our forces have been thrown out of Yellow Comet, just as we knew they would.
Flak: If we knew that, why�d we even bother invading?
Sturm: We need a plot, you know.
Flak: Oh.
Sturm: Who was in charge of being in charge of Yellow Comet again?
Hawke: That was Adder.
Sturm: Bring Adder in here!
Adder: I�m right here.
Sturm: Oh.
There is a long pause.
Sturm: What was I going to do again?
Adder: Um...punish me?
Sturm: You can�t fool me with that kind of reverse psychology! You get off the hook for letting them overthrow you.
Hawke: I knew this new intelligent Sturm was too good to last.
-Yellow Comet-
Kanbei: We have cast out Black Hole and are now in control of our own country. Now we need to begin the task of rebuilding.
Kanbei pulls out some LEGOs and begins to start putting them together.
Kanbei: Stupid Black Hole! They took apart all of my LEGO sets!
Sonja: Um, shouldn�t we try to rebuild the country first?
Kanbei: And leave my LEGO sets broken? No!
Sonja: Oh, fine, I�ll do it myself.
Sonja leaves.
Sensei: Oh, don�t mind her. Her generation just can�t appreciate...uh...whatever it is she isn�t appreciating.
-Black Hole-
Sturm: Argh! Has that anti-forceshield device been finished!
Lash: We�ve still got almost a year to go!
Sturm: I can�t wait that long! And neither can the reader! There�s only one possible course of action to prevent us from going crazy from the wait.
Lord Seth: Oh, you�re not asking me to do what I think you�re asking me to do, are you?
Sturm: Yes I am.
Lord Seth: Are you sure?
Sturm: Yes.
Lord Seth: Fine, fine.
1 Year Later...
Lord Seth: There! Happy?
Sturm: Absolutely.
Lash: We encountered some problems, though. It�ll probably take another year to fix them.
Sturm looks like he�s going insane and starts rumbling. He then blows up.
Lash: Um, I was just kidding. Sturm? Sturm?
Will the anti-forceshield thingy get rid of the forceshield? Will Sturm get back together? Why do I even bother with these questions? Why do I keep asking the preceding question? Are these questions not being as funny as they used to? Tune in next time to Advance Wars 2.875! Well, at least the next time we�re in THIS storyline.
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 25
(a.k.a. Why Toads Aren't Frogs)
Grit: Wow. We definitely took care of that monster quickly.
DM: WE?! You did all the work, credit-hog!
Luigi: What's a credit hog?
Grit: Luigi! You disappeared! Where did you go?
Luigi: Well, I went on a long and complicated adventure. It involved an evil alien race called the Voinians, a centipede bent on stealing my ethereal energy, a company that wanted to destroy the Internet using a virus, Martians fighting Terrans, a rip-off of Babylon 5, fishes fighting each other with bubbles, and a group of humans fighting to liberate Earth from evil aliens called the Cantharans. It was pretty weird.
Grit: Let's forget you ever said that, shall we?
DM: Isn't that whole thing a hidden reference?
Grit: I SAID, let's forget he ever said that!
DM: People can't forget things on command.
E. Gadd: Don't worry! I'll whip up an invention that will let us forget!
Luigi: Don't. You. Dare.
E. Gadd: That's not proper English, you know.
Luigi: Too. Bad.
DM: Quit it. It's getting annoying.
Luigi: I. Refuse. To. Quit. It.
Grit: I guess we have no choice. Ready?
E. Gadd: Ready.
DM: Ready.
The three all knock out Luigi and drag him along.
Grit: I really wish we didn't do that thing that made him so stupid. Why can't you reverse it?
DM: Oh, I can. Just not right now.
Grit: Why?
DM: Yet another one of those things that isn't really explained. It's just used for the plot.
Grit: Oh. Now what's a good way to end this part?
DM: End it? Nothing happened!
E. Gadd: Hey, look! A big, giant building is ahead!
DM: That's redundant. Big and giant mean the same thing, so there's no need to use them both.
E. Gadd: Shut up.
DM: It's a free country. I can do what I want.
E. Gadd: No it isn't. Congress just passed a new law. It says that Freedom of Speech does NOT apply to anyone with an unpronounceable name who goes by the nickname of DM.
DM: We don't even live in the United States!
Grit: Wait. What's the United States?
DM: Enh.
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 26
(a.k.a. Dictionaries Are Useful!)
Grit: Well, getting back on track. If there's a giant building, we can be pretty sure that our enemies are there.
DM: How so?
Grit: You didn't notice that the sky is black and with lightning ONLY around that one building?
DM: No.
Grit: Well, that's a dead giveaway that it's an evil stronghold.
E. Gadd: That or a haunted house.
Grit: Well, let's head in.
DM: We have to make sure we go through the back door.
Grit: How are you so sure there's a back door?
DM: There's always a back door!
Grit: Yeah, but it could take us forever to find it.
E. Gadd: Not if we use an invention!
DM: Your inventions have a 50% chance of failing and screwing things up even more!
E. Gadd: Give me some credit. It's 50.000000000001%.
DM: Well, regardless! It's too big a risk.
E. Gadd: Oh, you're going to just WALK into there with the main entrance? It's almost certainly booby-trapped. And with cameras everywhere. Big Brother will be watching you.
Luigi: Wow! Mario will be watching me?
DM: No! It's a figure of speech! And I thought you were twins!
Luigi: Mario is the older twin. So he's my older brother, or big brother.
E. Gadd: Whatever. I'm using this invention.
He pulls out a remote control and presses a button.
E. Gadd: Aha! It did work! See? The back door is a hidden trap door behind the building.
Grit: It actually worked?
E. Gadd: 50.000000000001%, my friend. 50.000000000001%.
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 27
Previously, Black Hole was ousted out of Yellow Comet, and Lash finally finished the anti-forcefield-
Lord Seth: Forceshield!
Er, anti-forceSHIELD device. Anyway, let's see if it works.
-Blue Moon-
Grit: Olaf, are you SURE it was a good idea to dismantle the army?
Olaf: Oh, come on. The forceshield will keep us perfectly safe. And since no one can get out of Blue Moon, it was a good idea politically to dismantle the military. It kept all of those anti-war pacifists happy.
Colin: Sir! The forceshield is showing signs of weakening! It will be completely deactivated in about...1 second.
Olaf: WHAT?1
Grit: Uh, what was with that 1 at the end of that?
Olaf: I don't know. But how could our precious forceshield weaken?
Grit: You shouldn't have gotten the economy model! Whose dumb idea was that?
Olaf: Colin's.
Colin: Not it wasn't!
Olaf: Yes it was!
Grit: Regardless! We need to re-mobilize our military!
Olaf: That'll take about...a month.
Grit: A month? We don't have a month! Black Hole is invading RIGHT NOW!
Colin: You're unusually tense.
Grit: I HAVE A RIGHT TO BE TENSE! I'M-
Grit suddenly blows up. Then Grit comes in.
Grit: Aw, my robot double blew up AGAIN?
Colin: That has got to be one of the dumbest ways to get out of a question like the one I asked.
Lord Seth: Well, it's better than just claiming it was a "plot device".
Grit: Well, we should just ask another country for help. Yellow Comet is the only one currently out of Black Hole's clutches, so let's ask them for help.
-Yellow Comet-
Kanbei: Well, the country has been rebuilt.
Sonja: Black Hole has attacked Blue Moon! We need to help them out!
Kanbei: We just finished rebuilding our own country. You want us to go and help them out in our weakened state?
Sonja: Uh...samurais are supposed to help people, you know.
Kanbei: (suddenly energized) You're right! ATTACK!
Kanbei rushes out of the room waving his sword around. This nearly decapitates everyone who was around him.
-Green Earth-
Eagle: Why is it never on us?
Jess: I don't know.
Drake: Well, it's time we took back our country through a dramatic plot twist!
Eagle: Let's just hurry it up so we can get it done before this part is-
Will they get it down before this part is over? Will Yellow Comet and Blue Moon manage to beat back Black Hole? And what's Orange Star doing in the meantime? Why am I suddenly asking questions that actually relate to the story? To find out, keep reading Advance Wars 2.875!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 28
(a.k.a. Poetry is for Poets)
Grit: Wow! There really was a trap door.
DM: We need a plan, though. We can't just burst in there.
Luigi: Says who?
Luigi opens the trap door and enters. Immediately, loud alarms and bells go out. Large numbers of Black Hole soldiers burst out.
Grit: Oh, crud. They know we're here.
DM: Wait, I know this sound...this isn't an Intruder Alarm. It's a Fire Alarm.
Grit: How the heck did you know that?
E. Gadd: Yeah, it's not like you're a deserter from their army, right?
DM: Um...right. Yeah, definitely.
Grit: Let's just get in there and take advantage of the fact their headquarters has fewer people in there now.
The three enter. I could go into excruciating detail about the adventures they had trying to get into the building. I could say exactly what they said rather than skipping over it. I could not take the lazy way out by just saying "A while later...". Fortunately for you, I will.
Grit: I wish I knew this back door went into these underground caves.
Luigi: Oh, what's the worst thing you could find in a cave? Other than, of course, ghosts, zombies, bats, and horrible monsters.
DM: I think I know which way we should go.
Grit: How do you know?
DM: Long story.
Grit: Okay, okay. Lead the way.
Several twists and turns later...
Grit: Great. A dead end.
DM: I don't get it! They must have changed it since I was last here.
Grit (suspicious): When were you last here?
DM: Long story.
Grit: Well, you'll have plenty of time to tell us while we try to find our way.
DM: It's not important.
Grit (still suspicious): Well, fine.
The four walk for a while and have to backtrack a few times. They finally come to a doorway. On the door are the words "Abandon all hope ye who enter here." except "ye" is crossed out and replaced with "you".
Grit: Um...exactly HOW far down does this tunnel lead?
DM: I think we took a wrong turn somewhere.
Grit: Okay, let's try again.
The four continue trying to get out. They finally find a door. On the door is written "You finally found this, eh?"
DM: I think this is it.
They open the door and go in.
Grit: We're finally in. Now where do we go?
E. Gadd: Just look at the map there. It has one of those cool little red dots that say "You are here".
So they look at the map. On the map, near them, says "Prison cells".
Grit: Well, let's go there.
A while later...
Grit: Man. I can't believe it took us this long just to get here.
DM: Well, if it hadn't been for all of those obstacles and enemies we had to get past...
E. Gadd: That doesn't matter! Let's just rescue the people and get out of this place!
DM: It might not be that easy. There's someone coming. Hide!
Everyone hides except Luigi, who remains stupidly in the hallway. Grit grabs him and brings him into his hiding place. The footsteps get louder and louder.
Grit: They're about to come by. Who is that?
Suspenseful music plays and everything seems to suddenly freeze in a dramatic fashion.
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 29
(a.k.a. Why Duct Tape Isn't Made From Ducks)
E. Gadd: Would we just quit with the suspense and see who's passing by?
A non-unique, average Black Hole soldier walks by, not noticing our heroes, even though they're in really bad hiding spaces.
Grit: Man, I was expecting someone important that would cause a major plot twist.
DM: Let's just get going already, before more people come by.
Footsteps are heard again. Everyone hides, this time in slightly better hiding spots. The Black Hole soldiers walk by, not noticing them.
Grit: Okay, let's get going now.
Even more foosteps are heard. Several Black Hole soldiers walk by. And more. And more. And more. And more.
Grit: Crud. We'll have to wait until there's a break in them.
Luigi: That can't take too long, can it?
X Weeks Later...
DM: I just got an idea. How about we ambush the Black Hole soldiers, take their uniforms, and then disguise ourselves as them?
Grit: And you couldn't have told us about that X weeks ago?
DM: Um, no.
Luigi: Well, it can't be too long until some come by and we can take their uniforms, right?
Y Weeks Later...
DM: Strange. No one has passed by since my idea. Maybe the coast is clear.
Grit: You COULD have decided that Y weeks ago.
DM: Don't blame me if it didn't occur to you! Let's just go and rescue the people!
Awhile later...um, I mean, A WHILE later...
Grit: Okay, here we are. Let's open the door and get ready for the dramatic plot twist that is sure to occur.
Grit takes hold of the door handle and twists it, then opens the door. For those of you unfamiliar with the mechanisms of door opening and unopening, the turning of the doorknob will pull a metal section sticking out of the door into the door. This metal section previously stuck into the wall next to the door. Someone could not pull or push open the door prior to this because that would be similar to trying to open a door if a crowbar had one end glued to the door and the other was glued to the wall next to the door. However, the turning of the doorknob in essence removes the "crowbar". Without that obstacle, the door can easily be opened. The reason it doesn't come loose is because its hinges hold it in line. Of course, there's many more interesting things about doorknobs that I'm sure you'll discover if you look them up. And yes, this entire part was to buy time. Anyway, Grit opens the door. And they see...well, we'll find out next part. And this is the last time I do my Lemony Snicket-like narration. Maybe.
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 30
Previously, Black Hole was just about to begin an invasion of Blue Moon, and Yellow Comet decided to help them out. Um, by "them" I mean Blue Moon, not Black Hole.
-Yellow Comet-
Sonja: Okay, we're all ready. Now all we need to do is collect some intel, and-
Kanbei: No! That takes too long! We must hurry to their rescue immediately!
Sonja: But-
Kanbei: It is then decided! We shall move out at once!
Sonja sighs.
-Blue Moon-
Olaf: What do you know? Yellow Comet actually agreed to help us out.
Colin: Excellent! Now we can sit back and let them do all the work for us.
Grit: I'm not so sure that's really the right thing to do.
Olaf: Yes it is!
Grit: No it isn't!
Olaf: Yes it is!
Grit: No it isn't!
Olaf: Fine! We'll let Colin decide!
The two look at Colin.
Colin: But...but...I respect both of you! I can't decide!
Grit: Fine, we'll flip a coin. Heads, we help them. Tails, we try to sit it out.
Grit flips a coin.
Grit: Dang. It landed on tails. (shrugs) Oh well, I guess that's the way it goes.
Meanwhile...
Sonja: It's just us fighting Black Hole here! Why isn't Blue Moon helping?
Sensei: They said...uh...let's see...they said...um...it was something about troops.
Sonja: Well, of course! But what ABOUT troops?
Sensei: My memory isn't what it used to be! Now let me think...um...lack of troops. That's it.
Sonja: Fine, fine. We'll lead the charge against Black Hole ourselves.
Later...
Sonja: Well, half of our soldiers are either dead or wounded. Now what?
Lord Seth: Well, for starters, you might want to not stand so near the battlefield. It's dangerous.
Sonja: Oh, come on. Normal soldiers do it all the time.
A grenade is thrown right at Sonja. By pure coincidence, it lands right into one of her pockets. By the time she gets it out, it blows up, killing her.
Lord Seth: Man, what a lousy death. If I were her, I'd have preferred to be burned alive.
-Black Hole-
Sturm: I need an update on our current progress.
Hawke: Well, we are in firm control of Orange Star. There has been isolated outbreaks of rebellion in Green Earth, but they're under control. We lost control of Yellow Comet, and we at the moment aren't making too much progress in conquering Blue Moon.
Sturm: It's so nice we have a seemingly limitless supply of troops, isn't it?
Hawke: Absolutely!
Black Hole Solder: Sir! Our bases in Black Hole have been sabotaged! And there's a time bomb that will destroy everything in the country!
Sturm: Why can't you disarm the time bomb?
Soldier: We can't figure out how. It has a really complicated code.
Meanwhile...
Soldier: I can't figure out how to turn this off!
Zoom in onto the time bomb. It has a screen on it. On the screen is written the words "Prove that Lord Seth is not crazy."
Back to where we were before...
Hawke: I think we have no choice but to evacuate.
Sturm: Fine, fine. Let's just move to Orange Star and let that be our headquarters.
Later...
-Orange Star-
Sturm: We should have done this sooner! This country is awesome! Much better than Black Hole. I wonder what's happening there.
-Black Hole-
Jess: See? I TOLD you the fake time bomb would work.
Eagle: Fine, fine! We've driven Black Hole from their shores. But we still need to liberate Green Earth.
Drake: What about Orange Star?
Eagle: Enh. Let them fend for themselves. Andy invaded us, you know.
Drake: Wasn't that just an evil clone?
Eagle: That's what they WANT you to think!
Drake: Who's "they"?
Eagle: I don't know. Probably the same people who always say things.
Drake: Say things?
Eagle: You know what I mean. "They say that you should look both ways before crossing the street" or "They say that smoking is bad for your health." You know, THEY.
Jess: I think that's a different group of they. There's the group They that say things, and the group They that wants you to think certain things.
Eagle: It doesn't matter! The point is, we're not helping out Orange Star because Andy invaded us!
Drake: But that wasn't Andy, that was his evil clone!
Eagle: That's still no excuse!
Drake: (sighs) Fine, but let's make sure we at least liberate Green Earth from the Black Hole dictatorship.
Jess: Yep, and set our own military dictatorship again!
All: Yeah!
Will Green Earth be liberated? What will be the ultimate outcome of the battle in Blue Moon? Is chess a sport or just a game? Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.875!
Read on!