Parts 1-10
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 0.875
Lord Seth: This story is written in a bit of a weird format. Every third part will be written in the way I wrote Advance Wars 2.5 and 2.75, in other words, a “classic” style. The rest of the parts will be a different storyline completely independent of the parts written in the “classic” format. So this story will be two completely independent stories going on at once. Anyone get it?
Everyone: No.
Lord Seth: Too bad! Now let’s get started!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 1
(a.k.a. Zany Insanity)
Lord Seth: Great, how can I start this off with a bang?
BANG!
Lord Seth: That'll do it.
-Blue Moon-
Grit: Hmmm. I wonder where everyone is.
Grit looks around but doesn't manage to find anyone. Everyone's disappeared! Well, except for Grit, of course.
Grit: Oh, great. Now I'll have to go on some weird adventure to find and save everyone.
Lord Seth: Gee, why are you so darn smart?
Grit: You're the author! Why don't you know?
Lord Seth: I have absolutely no idea.
Grit: Why can't we have a SANE author for once?
Meanwhile...
Luigi: Where the heck is everyone? They've disappeared! Bowser, Peach, the Koopalings, EVERYONE! Even Mario! Where could they have gone? Well, guess I'd better start looking.
Meanwhile...
Grit: Man, EVERYONE is gone. I'm the only one left. I wonder where everyone went and why I'm the only one here. Uh-oh! This is like that episode of The Twilight Zone! Hey, what's that?
Grit sees a big swirling vortex of energy in front of him.
Grit: Hey, maybe that'll lead me to where everyone went. What do I have to lose? Besides everything, I mean.
Grit enters the portal.
Meanwhile...
Lord Seth: There are too many meanwhiles! Quit it!
Okay, okay! This will hopefully be the last one for a while. Okay, here we go. Meanwhile...
Luigi is looking around for everyone.
Luigi: This will take forever! If only I had some kind of clue or something.
Suddenly, Grit appears right in front of Luigi.
Grit: Whoa. I'm not going through one of those portal thingies for a while.
Luigi: Who are you?
Grit: I'm Grit. You must be Luigi.
Luigi: How did you know my name?
Grit: Well, you have a moustache, you wear green overalls, you have an "L" on your cap, you're tall...what else is there to have to know?
Luigi: But you're from some alternate universe!
Grit: Gee, how'd you know?
Luigi: I'd recognize that "trans-dimensional" portal entrance anywhere. Why are you here anyway?
Grit: Well, everyone disappeared, and I wsa looking for them. I just went into the portal because I was hoping it would lead me to them.
Luigi: Wow! What a coincidence! Everyone's disappeared here also!
Grit: So do we team up and try to find everyone together?
Luigi: Sounds good to me!
Lord Seth: And so our story begins. Two heroes from different worlds have found each other and formed an alliance. What will happen? Will they ever find out who or what caused the disappearances and what the motive is? And where was everyone else taken? The only way to find out is to read the next episode of Advance Wars 2.785!
Hey! I thought I was supposed to do that "ending with a question" thing!
Lord Seth: Too bad! I've got the job now. And I'm so much better at it.
No you aren't!
Lord Seth: Yes I am!
No you're not!
Lord Seth: Yes I am!
Is he or is he not? Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.875!
Lord Seth: Ooh, you're good.
So I get the job back?
Lord Seth: No, of course not.
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 2
(a.k.a. The Quest Begins)
Lord Seth: Previously, the plot started. Basically, everyone on both Wars World and wherever all the Mario games take place disappeared. Everyone, that is, except for Luigi and Grit. Grit has accidentally come to the Mushroom Kingdom and has meet Luigi, and the two have formed an alliance. Whew! I'm not doing a recap THAT long for a while. Now let's cut back to where Luigi and Grit are.
Cut to Luigi and Grit.
Luigi: Now all we need is some form of a hint or something to enable us to start off this adventure.
A giant arrow appears, pointing north.
Luigi: Good enough for me! Let's go!
Meanwhile...
We see two figures. Of course, we don't see exactly who they are because they're in shadow.
Figure 1: I TOLD you we should've taken those two alone with everyone else!
Figure 2: It's not my fault! That stupid Lord Seth ruined everything, as usual. Just because he wants to do some stupid story, he prevented me from getting those two.
Figure 1: Oh well. Those two against us and all of our minions? We'll crush them!
Figure 2: Oh, and can we get some lights installed here? We can barely see ourselves.
Figure 1: What, and ruin the suspense?
Okay, back to Grit and Luigi.
Grit: We've been walking in this direction for hours and we haven't come across anything yet!
Luigi: Well, there is one of two possibilities.
Grit: What?
Luigi: The first is that the arrow was either a decoy or was pointing the wrong way. The second is that we haven't walked far enough and need to walk even more. So, either we should turn back now or we should continue walking.
Grit: That wasn't much help.
Luigi: I know.
The ground starts rumbling. You know, the same way it did in Jurassic Park when the T-Rex was approaching?
Luigi: Uh-oh! This is just like in Jurassic Park when the T-Rex was approaching!
Grit: So what do you suggest we do?
Luigi: How about running for our lives?
Grit: Too late!
A giant monster appears in front of the two.
Luigi: How could we not have seen that before? We're on a flat plain, you know.
Grit: Enh.
Monster: GRRRAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!
Grit: Uh-oh.
Grit pulls out a gun and tries to shoot the monster. Nothing happens. Luigi tries to jump on top of the monster, but can't jump high enough.
Grit: Jump on top of it? How would that defeat it?
Luigi: It always worked in my various adventures.
The monster picks up Luigi and Grit and starts banging them against the ground.
Monster: GRRAAAAAARRRRGHHHH!!!
The monster starts to lose interest in beating the two up and throws them over its shoulder. The two go flying and land somewhere off screen.
Monster (talking with a British accent): Well, I finished them off like those two guys who were responsible for all the disappearances asked me to. Now I think I'll go watch Masterpiece Theater.
The monster walks off. Cut to Grit and Luigi. The two are badly battered and bruised. Their eyes are closed, and they aren't moving at all. Cut to the darkened room we saw earlier.
Figure 1: You STILL haven't gotten those lights installed?
Figure 2: It's important we keep up this suspense!
Figure 1: Regardless. That monster we sent has effectively destroyed our two enemies. Victory! Er, what was our plan again?
Cut back to Grit and Luigi. The two continue to lie on the ground, not moving.
Lord Seth: Oh, why bother with the suspense? We KNOW they're not dead or anything, and if they are, they'll be revived.
Geez, don't fault me just for trying to make this story a little more exciting!
Lord Seth: Oh, and what do you say this time we stop with all of those annoying "end of part" questions when we’re on this storyline? How about that? That okay? Those questions often get really annoying, you know?
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 3
Lord Seth: As promised, here’s the “classic” version!
Employee: Sir, I have something to tell...(he notices Lord Seth has pins on his shirt) Why are you wearing a Bush-Cheney pin AND a Kerry-Edwards pin on your shirt?
Lord Seth: Well, you know how people who are firm Bush-Cheney supporters wear Bush-Cheney pins? And how people who are firm Kerry-Edwards supporters wear Kerry-Edwards pins?
Employee: Yes?
Lord Seth: Well, I wear the two to show that I am firmly a swing voter.
Employee: But how can...oh, forget it.
Lord Seth: Well, I’m going to go watch television and only base my opinions of the candidates based on political ads. If I understand correctly, I should support both candidates and yet not vote for them.
Lord Seth wanders off.
Employee: Oh, crud. I didn’t get a chance to tell him whatever it was I was going to tell him.
Meanwhile, back in our story that has slightly more of a point...
-Black Hole-
Sturm: All right. We've been given another chance at world domination. I suggest we make the most of it.
Hawke: I thought you were dead at the end of Advance Wars 2.75.
Sturm: Time makes fools of us all!
Hawke: That didn't exactly answer my question.
Sturm: Too bad! Now, I have an evil and diabolical plan to conquer the world.
Hawke: Well, I DO like the words "evil" and "diabolical".
Lash: Is it twisted? I LIKE twisted!
Sturm: Yes, it's twisted.
Adder: Is it sneaky? I LIKE sneaky!
Sturm: Yes, it's sneaky.
Flak: Does it involve smashing? I LIKE smashing!
Sturm: Yes, it involves smashing.
Hawke: Wow! You may actually have some brains in you after all if you made a plan we all like!
Sturm: Yep! And it's all because I followed the Yellow Brick Road and the Wizard was nice enough to give me brains.
Everyone stares at Sturm.
Sturm: What? What?
Hawke: (sighs) Just tell us the plan.
Sturm: It's pretty simple. We basically invade Orange Star with all of our forces. That should be more than enough to overrun them. The other countries will then come to their rescue. We'll quickly retreat from Orange Star and take control of the now undefended Green Earth, Yellow Comet, and Blue Moon. The armies will attempt to retake their homelands, but by then we'll have built fortified defenses. We'll crush their invasions and will then conquer Orange Star again. Thus, we will have destroyed the opposing armies and will have complete domination of Wars World.
Everyone stares at Sturm in shock.
Sturm: What?
Hawke: That was...brilliant! That's so unlike you!
Sturm: What do you mean?
Hawke: Usually your plans involve silly things like capturing hot dog factories.
Sturm: Oh, I'm over my hot dog obsession. Nowadays I prefer to eat human flesh.
Sturm looks hungrily at Hawke.
Hawke: Um...
Will Black Hole's plan work? Will Sturm eat Hawke? How does this storyline even make sense with the other storyline going on at the same time?
Lord Seth: Maybe they took place at different times, or in alternate universes?
Quiet! You're not supposed to answer the questions!
Lord Seth: Hey, I was nice enough to hire you back! Don't complain! Now just finish up them!
Will I finish them up? And more importantly, is Sturm actually intelligent now? Find out the time after the time after next time, on Advance Wars 2.875!
Lord Seth: We're going to have to rework that last part...
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 4
(a.k.a. The Quest Continues)
The lifeless (or at least unconscious) bodies of Luigi and Grit remain on the ground, not moving.
However, as luck would have it, a random passerby who just happened to have healing power and just happened to be nice, choose to heal the two and left. And, no, that isn't a continuity error. It was just the Koopas and people in the Mushroom Kingdom who disappeared. Anyway, Grit and Luigi get up, rubbing their heads.
WE INTERRUPT THIS STORY FOR AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT
Lord Seth: Hi everyone! With the 2004 US Presidential Election less than a month away as I'm saying this, it's important that I proclaim which of the candidates I support. You know, because maybe I can convince someone. So I say everyone should vote for George Bush! No, wait, I meant to say John Kerry. Wait, why did I say that? I DID mean to say George Bush. Wait, wasn't he the guy who did some stuff I didn't agree with? Then forget it, I guess I'm pro-Kerry. No, I completely take that back, because I disagree with Kerry on some issues. I say George Bush should win. No, I take THAT back. Kerry should win! No, I mean...aw, forget it, I'll just throw my vote away on a third party candidate.
Lord Seth leaves.
NOTE: Lord Seth is responsible for the content of this advertisement. It does not reflect the opinions of any candidate, or even the opinions of Lord Seth. It's just done as a joke. And if you actually change your vote based on this, you are very sad. And we don't mean emotionally.
WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR STORY
Luigi: That hurt.
Grit: I know. You know what this means, don't you?
Luigi: What?
Grit: It means we have to become stronger if we want to defeat our mysterious enemies! If that guy could total us, who knows what the head evil guys could do? We need to get stronger so we can proceed in our quest. You know, kinda like levelling up in an RPG.
Luigi: Or we could just learn some kind of new cool technique, or get better equipment.
Grit: That's like an RPG also.
Luigi: Crud. And I always hated RPGs. That's why I wasn't in Super Mario RPG and wasn't a playable character in Paper Mario.
Grit: You were in Mario & Luigi: Superstar Saga, you know.
Luigi: Only because Bowser was dumb enough to think I was actually in his army!
Grit: Or, we could try to get help from someone. It's good to have more than just two people in our party.
Luigi: Not quite as RPG-ish, but still there. Oh well.
Grit: Don't worry! All we have to do is walk around in random directions and we'll surely find someone who can help us.
3 Hours Later...
Grit and Luigi stumble upon a battlefield. Literally.
Grit: Ow! Who put that stupid thing we stumbled over there?
Lord Seth suddenly appears. He laughs crazily, then runs off.
Luigi: That was stupid.
Grit: I know.
Luigi: It said something about a battlefield. Where's the battle?
A bomb lands right next to Luigi and explodes. Luigi is now covered in ashes.
Luigi: I had to ask.
Grit: Let's get out of here. This place is called "No Man's Land" for a reason.
The two run off while more bombs explode. They then run into a guy whose name we will undoubtedly soon find out.
Guy Whose Name We Will Undoubtedly Soon Find Out: Watch where you're going!
Luigi: Oh. What's your name?
Guy Whose Name We Just Found Out: My name is...M2rzwgxplrt. But that's hard to pronounce.
Grit: I'll say! I just heard you say it and don't know how to pronounce it.
Guy With The Hard To Pronounce Name: Well, like I said, it's hard to pronounce, so you can call me DM.
Grit: You mean DM like in Dungeon Master?
DM: No, DM as in Don't Miss.
Grit: Miss what?
DM: Wouldn't YOU like to know!
Grit: Yes, I would.
DM: Too bad. That's for me to know and you to find out.
Grit sighs.
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 5
(a.k.a. Why do I even think up these "a.k.a." names?)
Grit: All right, DM, what are you doing here anyway?
DM: Well, I'm supposed to be stopping this war that's going on.
Luigi: Hey, are you strong in any way or fashion? We need help in this zany quest of ours.
DM: Well, I have the power to make OTHER people stronger when I'm around. Does that count?
Luigi: Good enough. Any chance you'd help us on our quest to find everyone who disappeared?
DM: Well, maybe if you could help me out on stopping this war.
Grit: Ooh, I know a lot about wars. Okay, first off, what are they fighting over?
DM: Well, it's actually more of a feud-turned-into-war. See, there were these two groups, the Rakhs and the Taros. They were rivals, but not really enemies. Unfortunately, a Rakh and a Taro both simultaneously spotted a penny on the ground, and got into a fight about who should get it. History isn't clear about which person got it, but the other person was really mad and built some support on their side. One thing lead to another, and the two sides ended up going to war.
Grit: Over a PENNY?
A long pause.
DM: It was a lucky penny.
Grit: Okay...which side is winning right now?
DM: The Rakhs at the moment, but the tide of war has gone back and forth often. Interestingly enough, whoever is winning seems to be the one who has the penny...both sides have often stolen it from the other. Guess it is pretty lucky after all.
Grit: That's it! All we have to do is steal the penny from them, and let the armies obliterate each other. Then the war will be over.
Luigi: That is one of the dumbest things I've ever heard. I thought you were a good guy.
Grit: I am! But as a CO, I need to sometimes be kind of ruthless. Kind of.
Luigi: KIND OF? That was practically a whole new side of you!
Grit: Your point?
Luigi: Let me guess, Lord Seth just adjusted your personality for one of his infamous "out of character and yet still funny" jokes.
DM: Huh? Lord Seth? Who's he?
Luigi: He's this totally crazy guy who writes stuff. The less you see of him, the better.
DM: Okay, seriously now, how can we stop the war?
Luigi: Clone the coin and give it to the other side? Then they'll both be happy.
DM: No, the coin was just what started the war.
Grit: So what are they fighting over now?
DM: Not really anything.
Luigi: That's it! All we have to do is make them realize that they're wasting their lives in a pointless war. Then they'll stop.
Grit: That might work. Maybe they can compromise.
Unfortunately...
Petro: No! As leader of the Rakhs, I refuse to negotiate anything! We shall settle for nothing but the complete and utter destruction of the Taros! I don't care HOW many young and innocent Rakh soldiers we must expand to do so!
Grit: Well, let's see what they have to say.
Later...
Marlap: No! The Taros will not stop fighting until the Rakhs are completely destroyed! And if we have to fight until every single Taro is dead, so be it!
Later...
Luigi: That was pointless.
DM: Yeah, we're no closer to stopping them than before.
Grit: There's got to be some way to stop them. But how?
Luigi: That's it! I've got the perfect plan!
Is it the perfect plan? Will we find out next part? Will-
Lord Seth: I thought we weren't going to do those questions anymore, at least not in the non-classic-style parts. It was an overused gag back in Advance Wars 2.5 and 2.75. It's boring now.
Oh, right.
Lord Seth: Now what's a good, zany, and crazy way to end this part?
Lord Seth seems deep in thought.
Lord Seth: Ah well, I guess I'll end it here. If you want zany craziness, then...find it somewhere else, I guess.
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 6
Previously, Sturm actually thought up a good plan for how to conquer Wars World. Let's see what the other countries are doing...nothing important. Okay, back to Black Hole.
-Black Hole-
Sturm: Is our army ready?
Hawke: Yes.
Sturm: All right! INVADE!
-Orange Star-
Andy: Ah, what a perfect day. Everything is fine. Nothing is going wrong.
A bunch of Black Hole soldiers burst in and grab Andy.
Black Hole Soldier: I would've left this place alone, but I had to burst in because you said things were perfect, and thus we have to ruin it.
Andy: Does that even make sense?
Black Hole Soldier: I don't know. Talk to Lord Seth about it.
Meanwhile...
Nell: We're under attack! There's only one thing to do!
Max: Surrender?
Nell: Exact...no, I don't mean surrender! We have to appeal to our allies for help!
Max: What makes you think they'll even help us out?
Nell: Um...it's the right thing to do?
Max: Good point! They can't turn us down, can they?
-Green Earth-
Eagle: Turn them down.
Drake: Aw, crud.
Eagle: Yes, I KNOW you didn't want to turn all those cards with Morph face down, but I DID cast those Backslides, so too bad!
Drake: This is the last time I play Magic: the Gathering against you.
Lord Seth: By the way, that was an in-joke. It wasn't very funny, true, but it WAS an in-joke.
-Yellow Comet-
Sonja: Father! Sensei! Black Hole has invaded Orange Star! We have to help them!
Kanbei: No! Kanbei is busy referring to himself in the third person!
Sensei: I was doing something, also, but I forgot what it was.
Sonja: Fine! I'll go lead the troops myself.
Sensei: No, you can't. The troops are off doing something.
Sonja: What?
Sensei: I forgot.
Meanwhile...
Lord Seth: Welcome to the newest reality series, War Is Dell! Our contestants today are the members of the Yellow Comet army!
Grit: War Is Dell?
Lord Seth: Well, it was originally going to be War is...um, you know. But that wasn't really appropriate for a G-rated story.
Grit: This is rated PG! And what's more, it was rated PG because you used that word you're currently refusing to say!
Lord Seth: Huh?
Grit: Oh, wait...that hasn’t happened yet.
Lord Seth: Oh. Right. Well, I'm still not using it! Anyway, since we couldn't use that because it was somewhat inappropriate, we changed it to Dell, as Dell is our sponsor. Now let's get on with it! As I was saying, this is the newest reality show. We take soldiers and put them into two teams. Each side is given a budget. Using only that money, they need to construct weapons or defenses. Then the two sides will engage in an actual battle, the winning team being the one that either captures the other team's HQ or the one that manages to destroy enough of their enemies to force them to surrender.
Grit: But that's just a simulation, right? It's not the actual teams battling each other, right? Right?
Lord Seth: Nope. Actual members of the teams. Well, of course, the teams are divided into different groups. One group does the building, one group does the strategizing, and one group does the fighting.
Grit: Well, the weapons are fake, right? There's no REAL danger, right?
Lord Seth: Nope, they're real. We wanted to keep everything real.
Grit: So you're KILLING off your own contestants?
Lord Seth: Hey, we need the ratings!
Grit sighs.
-Orange Star-
Sturm: I can't believe it. The other countries didn't even bother to try to help out Orange Star. Oh well. We conquered one country, at least.
Flak: Only until their inevitable rebellion.
Sturm (sadly): That's true.
Is it true? Is this "ending question" thing an overused gag? Find out sometime in the near future, on Advance Wars 2.875!
Advance Wars 2.785, Part 7
(a.k.a. Stopping A War 101)
WE INTERRUPT THIS STORY FOR A POLITICAL AD
Lord Seth (voice-over): It's 2004, and the future of America and the world is in your hands. Do you want to vote for an idiot Republican who entered us into a war under false pretenses?
We see a picture of George W. Bush.
Lord Seth (voice-over): Or would you rather vote for a cowardly Democrat flip-flopper?
We see a picture of John Kerry.
Lord Seth (voice-over): Or an Independent candidate that everyone knows isn't going to win anyway?
We see a picture of Ralph Nader.
Lord Seth (voice-over): But there IS an alternative! A person who can lead us into a golden age! A guy who isn't afraid to ask tough questions like "Why IS one and one two?" or "Why don't people who break the law of gravity get arrested?" or "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?". And most importantly, someone who will always tell the truth except when he lies. But that's not all. He agrees with you on every single issue! And who IS this amazing person?
We see the silhouette of a guy wearing a cape standing on a hill. The cape is waving in the wind.
Lord Seth (voice-over): This person is...Lord Seth!
Light shines on the picture and we see the silhouette is, in fact, Lord Seth.
Lord Seth (voice-over): So why settle for a lying Republican or a flip-flopping Democrat or a [insert negative adjective here] Independent? Vote for Lord Seth to be your President for the next 4 years!
Cut to Lord Seth typing on a computer. He continues to do so, not paying attention to the camera.
Cameraman: Psst! Look at the camera!
Lord Seth looks at the camera.
Lord Seth: Um...uh...what am I supposed to say?
Cameraman: The thing about approving this message.
Lord Seth: Oh, right. I'm Lord Seth and I approve this message. (pause) What, no joke?
Lord Seth goes back to working on his computer. The commercial fades to black and ends. Vapor, a friend of Lord Seth, walks onto the screen.
Vapor: Um, Lord Seth? The election is over. It's too late to run for President.
Lord Seth walks onto the screen.
Lord Seth: Really? Oh, crud. Now what am I going to do with all of these "Vote Lord Seth" banners, pins, signs, and flyers I made?
Vapor: I don't know. Why don't you save them for the 2008 election?
Lord Seth: Nah, I think I'll build a time machine and go back in time so I start campaigning earlier.
Vapor: (sighs) How long will that take?
Lord Seth: About 5 years.
Vapor sighs again.
Lord Seth: No! Wait! Better idea! How about I run for being in Congress? I could be a Senator or Representative!
Vapor: What state do you even live in?
Lord Seth: Denial.
Vapor, rather than sighing, just turns and walks away.
Lord Seth: Was it something I said?
WE NOW RETURN TO THE STORY
DM: Okay, so what's this great idea of yours?
Luigi: Well, it's actually several ideas. I'm sure at least one will work.
Grit: Okay, let's hear them.
Luigi: Okay, here goes.
1. Kill Petro and Marlap and hope that the new leaders are more open to peace talks.
2. Find a way to permanently separate the two groups so they can't ever fight again.
3. Fool each side into thinking that the other has surrendered.
4. Make our own giant army and use it to take out both sides.
5. Wait and hope that the sides reach a peace by themselves.
6. Kill the pig! Cut it's throat! Spill it's blood!
DM: Um...Luigi?
Luigi: Yes?
DM: First of all, you misspelled "its". If you're using it to imply possession, in the same way we would say "his" or "her", then you DON'T say "it's". "It's" is the contraction of "it is" or "it has". So what you were saying was "Kill the pig! Cut it is throat! Spill it is blood!" or "Kill the pig! Cut it has throat! Spill it has blood!" which makes absolutely no sense at all. So if you're using "it" in possession, you type "its", not "it's". Look it up in a dictionary if you don't believe me.
Luigi: How the heck could you know that? I was saying it out loud!
DM: I have my ways.
Luigi: Okay...so what did you think of my plans?
DM: Well, that last one was stupid, even without that grammatical error. Why did you even say it?
Luigi: I don't know. It just came into my mind.
DM: Well, we can rule out the assassination part. None of us are any good at that. We can likewise ignore the part about hoping they'll make peace themselves. They haven't done so after years and I doubt they'll be doing so anytime soon. And I can't help you out until my job is done. So that one's out, also. Trying to fool each side ALWAYS backfires on television and in books, so there's no point in trying here.
Grit: But this isn't television or a book.
DM: The point is still there! And I really doubt they'd be dumb enough to fall for that. Also, I don't think we can make our own giant army. That would be too difficult. So that just leaves the idea of separating the two groups. How can we do that?
Grit: How about we make a forceshield and design it so that neither side can penetrate it, but everyone else can? That way neither one of the sides can fight the other.
DM: Great idea! Only one problem: Who are we going to find that has the smarts to do that?
Luigi: That could be tough. And it'll probably start off a totally new section of the story.
Grit: I guess we'll just have to wait until the next part to see.
Luigi: What do we do until then?
DM: How about we just stand around like morons?
Grit: No. I say we stand around like intelligent characters.
DM: That’s good also.
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 8
(a.k.a. Yet Another New Character Appears)
Grit: Okay. Can anyone think of anyone we could turn to who can make us a forcefield?
DM: I thought you said it was a forceshield.
Luigi: Close enough!
DM: No, no, I think it's actually a big difference. A forcefield would just imply a barrier. A forceshield would mean a forcefield, except it's used as a shield. A forcefield would be used to keep two sides apart, whereas a forceshield would be used primarily for defensive purposes. Or at least that's what it seems like to me.
Luigi: Fine, fine! Forcefield it is! That still doesn't answer the question of who we should find that can build it!
DM: What about that one guy? You know, who was from that one game?
Luigi: Oh, THAT guy. Sure! Great idea! I can't believe I didn't think of it myself! All right, let's go find that guy!
Grit: Probably easier said than done. Do you have any idea where he is?
Luigi: Let's see...where did I last see him? Oh yeah, he was in...I think it was called the Beanbean Kingdom or something?
Grit: All right! Let's go find him!
One trip and explanation later...
Grit: Okay, now will you help us out?
Professor E. Gadd: Er...sure! Yeah! Absolutely! (pause) What's in it for me?
Grit: Uh...what do you want?
E. Gadd: I don't know. How about funding for my experiments? See, We Fund Projects For Mad Scientists Inc. sort of closed down last month. They were getting too many lawsuits from people. Man, just give funding to a few mad scientists who are making a doomsday weapon, and suddenly everyone's in a huff about it.
Luigi: Uh...yeah. Anyway, we need a device to give us a forceshield.
DM: Forcefield.
Luigi: Er, forcefield.
E. Gadd: Lucky you! I happened to be working on just the thing. I just need to get a few of the bugs adjusted.
Grit: That couldn't take too long, could it? Right?
1 Year Later...
E. Gadd: It's ready!
E. Gadd looks to see that Luigi, Grit, and DM have all died from pure boredom.
E. Gadd: Well, good thing I made the time machine.
E. Gadd takes the forcefield generator (which is actually pretty small) and brings it with him into the time machine.
E. Gadd: I just hope I don't screw up the time-space continuum. Oh well.
E. Gadd presses a button and disappears.
1 Year earlier...
E. Gadd appears in a flash of light. He gives the forcefield generator to his younger self.
Older E. Gadd: Here, I'm your future self. The plot needs to keep going, so here you go.
The older E. Gadd pulls out a remote and presses a button, then disappears.
DM: Uh...how does this NOT contradict the laws of reality?
Grit: Don't worry. I'm sure we'll find out soon.
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 9
Previously, Black Hole conquered Orange Star.
Lord Seth: Okay, time for yet another grammar lesson. I get annoyed by some of the commonplace mistakes on the internet, so I'm going to correct them so that HOPEFULLY people that read this will no longer make them. Today we're going to go over the correct usage of "your".
Lord Seth pauses for absolutely no reason other than to break what he’s saying into two, as it’s rather long.
Lord Seth: Saying "Your a cool person" is incorrect. You should say "You're a cool person" instead. "Your" is only the possessive form of "you", the same way "its" is the possessive form of "it" and "his" is the possessive form of "he". Saying "Your book is here" is correct. Saying "Your a good writer" is incorrect, even if you're talking to me. Here's how you know when to use which: If "your" can be replaced with "you are", then you should be using "you're". This has been another grammar lesson, and I hope you've learned something from this other than the fact I'm a grammar nut. Now back to the story.
-Orange Star- (a.k.a. Black Hole II)
Sturm: So, what do you say we go after Blue Moon next?
Hawke: That could stretch our forces a little thin. It would be really hard to have enough troops to occupy our occupied countries.
Sturm: Oh, that's no problem. The United States did it.
Hawke: What's the United States?
Sturm: Enh.
Lash: Aren't you worried about getting arrested by the Running Gag Police again?
Sturm: No. That joke was only done once in this story. As long as we're careful, we won't get arrested by them.
Flak: I say we attack Blue Moon! Then we'll get some smashing done! Smashing is cool! Go smashing!
Hawke: No.
Flak: Oh, you don't want to make me angry. You won't like me when I'm angry...
Flak beats Hawke up.
Hawke: Why did I ever promote you from being a Private?
Flak: Because you had a CO vacancy and wanted to make sure you choose someone really bad so they wouldn't overshadow you.
Hawke: Oh. Right.
-Blue Moon-
Grit: Black Hole conquered Orange Star! They may be after us next! We need to fortify our defenses!
Olaf: No! I can't spend money on that!
Grit: Why?
Olaf: Well, you know how every politician promises to lower taxes?
Grit: Yes?
Olaf: Well, all the politicians here actually kept their promises. So the taxes ended up becoming nothing. So we're broke, and we don't have money to spend on defenses.
Grit: We could raise taxes.
Olaf: And have a revolution on our hands? I think not!
Colin: Wait, do you want money? I can get you money.
Grit: How so?
Colin: Oh, I have strange and mysterious ways.
Grit: You're just going to rob a bank, aren't you?
Colin: Are you a mind-reader or something?
Grit: Yes.
Colin: Oh.
Grit: Well, I'm not really. I can just tell by people's facial expressions what they're thinking. For instance, right now you're wearing a "I-bet-he-can't-really-know-what-I'm-thinking-just-based-on-my-face" face.
Colin: I hate you.
Grit: I thought I was your hero or something.
Colin: Hey, you can hate your heroes, right?
Grit: I don't think so.
Colin: Crud.
-Green Earth-
Eagle: Haha! That's 2,000 games of Magic: the Yu-Gi-Oh I've won against you in a row, Drake!
Drake: I don't have the heart to tell you I've been letting you win because otherwise you'd demote and/or kill me.
Eagle: You just did tell me.
Drake: Oh.
Eagle: And for your information, I won't kill and/or demote you.
Drake: Phew!
Eagle: I'll just make your life a living...um, you know.
Drake: Huh?
Eagle: You know, a living...uh, then a word that starts with H.
Drake: There's lots of words that start with H. Head, hair, hero, harp, harm, hack, hurl, heck, hurt, her, him, help, hand...
1 Year Later...
Drake: ...and havoc. Which one of them is it?
Drake looks in front of him and sees a skeleton wearing Eagle's clothes.
Drake: Oops. I must have bored him to death.
Eagle comes in.
Eagle: So THAT's where I put my spare clothes. I wonder how they got on that skeleton.
Drake: That whole thing was pointless.
Eagle: Where'd Jess go anyway?
Drake: I don't know. I think she was going to go stop Black Hole by herself or something.
Eagle: Oh, good. That way I don't have to do it myself. Phew!
What's going to happen? Find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.875!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 10
(a.k.a. A Serious Discussion, Plus Some Other Stuff)
DM: Okay, HOW did that time travel thing not contradict the laws of reality?
E. Gadd: Simple. If someone goes through time, they're sort of out of reality. That is, when they return to their own time, they remember everything as it was before. It's all very complicated and no one who didn't get an A+++++ in the most advanced Physics class wouldn't understand it. Anyway, so my future self would return to a different future, but would remember what it was like before. But then wouldn't know what the current time line was like. But who really cares? It was just a gag anyway.
Grit: Well, now that we have the generator, maybe we can finally stop that war and then get on with things.
DM: Finally! Let's get going!
One trip later...
E. Gadd: Okay, this shouldn't be too hard. We just have to bury the forcefield in the ground and activate it. Then the two sides will be imprisoned and unable to fight one another. Of course, I set the forcefield to be big enough so that they aren't trapped in a small amount of space.
Grit: Uh, I have a question.
E. Gadd: What?
Grit: How can we turn it on if it's in the ground?
E. Gadd: I knew I forgot something!
DM: How about we turn it on, then bury it?
Grit: Great idea!
The four turn the device on and then bury it in the ground. Two forcefields appear that encompass the Rakhs and the Taros, preventing them from getting to each other.
DM: Well, my job is done. Let's get out of here before their outraged screams of profanity up this story's rating to PG-13 or R.
Taros: Oh yeah? Well **** your ****ing **** to the ****ing **** before I yell even more ****s at you ****s!
Rakhs: Same to you, you ****s!
Grit: Uh-oh. Too late.
Luigi: Too late to prevent the rating from going up, or too late to prevent ourselves from hearing the profanity?
DM: Ah, who cares anyway? It's all censored, you know.
Luigi: Oh. I was wondering why there were all those times when their mouths were moving but nothing was coming out.
Grit: Wasn't that due to bad dubbing?
DM: No, it was the censoring.
E. Gadd: Would we just get out of here?
Grit: Good idea!
The four leave.
DM: Anyway, you helped me out, so now I'll keep my promise and do that cool thing where I make you all stronger. I need to warn you, though, there may be some personality changes as a side effect.
Luigi: Oh well. At worst it'll at least make for some jokes.
DM: Okay, here I go.
DM goes into a bunch of really weird poses, then raises his hands.
DM: Oom chaba ooshee wawa!
DM puts his hands down.
DM: There you go. You're all ready.
Grit: You had to do that chant and all those poses to do it?
DM: No, I was just stretching and clearing my throat.
Grit: Oh.
DM: I just hope the personality changes weren't too major. You seem yourself, but I wonder about Luigi and E. Gadd...
Grit looks and sees that Luigi and E. Gadd are knocked out.
Grit: What caused that?
DM: Oh, that sometimes happens.
Read on!