Parts 11-20
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 11
(a.k.a. Maybe We'll Finally Get Somewhere. Maybe.)
Grit: Who was the guy who hired you to stop that war anyway? And what did you get for doing it?
DM: I don't know his name, but he had the initials LS.
Grit: Oh, please don't let this go where I think it's going.
DM: Hey! I nearly forgot to go and pick up my payment. Come on, Grit, let's go.
DM and Grit, carrying the still knocked-out Luigi and E. Gadd, make their way to a clearing.
DM: He should be here soon.
Grit: I REALLY hope Lord Seth wasn't your employer.
DM: Why again?
Grit: Well...he's totally crazy. It's best to stay away from him.
DM: Well, there's my employer now.
Luke Skywalker: Thanks for doing the job for me, DM.
Grit: Well, at least it's not Lord Seth...
DM: LUKE SKYWALKER?! Aren't you supposed to be in a galaxy far, far away? Not to mention sometime in the past?
Luke Skywalker: Yeah, that's a long story. Anyway, here you go.
Luke Skywalker gives DM a parcel.
Luke Skywalker: I've got stuff to do, so bye! (looking up) Beam me up, Scotty!
Luke Skywalker disappears in a flash of light.
Grit: That was so screwed-up, I almost wish your employer WAS Lord Seth. So what did you get?
DM: Let's see...
DM opens the parcel.
DM: Oh yeah! A GameBox2!
Grit: GameBox2?
DM: It's a system that will play GameCube, X-Box, and Playstation 2 games. Now if I only had some games and electricity, I'd be all set!
Grit: So when are Luigi and E. Gadd going to wake up?
DM: Right about...now.
Luigi and E. Gadd both get up.
Grit: Well, let's continue on our quest, like we were before we got sidetracked. We're stronger now, so we should be able to do better than before. Now the only question is which way to go.
E. Gadd: I can figure that out!
E. Gadd pulls up some grass, takes out a glass of water, and pulls out one of DM's hairs.
DM: Ow! I was using that, you know.
E. Gadd: Using only these objects, I shall create an invention that will help us find our missing comrades!
E. Gadd turns his back on everyone else and seems to be working feverishly. He then turns and has a radar machine.
Grit: How the heck did you do that?
E. Gadd: Can't tell you. Magician's code.
DM: (puzzled) But you're not a magician.
E. Gadd: Good point. Scientist's code.
Grit: As long as it gets us where we need to go, I don't care. Hey, why has Luigi been so quiet lately?
Luigi: I don't know. Why don't you ask someone else?
Grit: You're the only one who would know!
Luigi: I would?
Grit: Yes!
Luigi: Wow!
Grit: Oh, crud. I think your powers made him really stupid.
DM: You shouldn't expect perfection.
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 12
Previously...er, what did happen previously? Oh, forget it. It probably wasn't important anyway.
-Black Hole II- (formerly known as Orange Star)
Sturm: Amazing. A whole year has gone by without us getting thrown out of Orange Star. Well, it's time to conquer another country.
Hawke: I still can't believe you're actually acting intelligent.
Sturm: You don't believe I'm intelligent?
Hawke: Yes I do.
Sturm: You just said you couldn't!
Hawke: That was a figure of speech!
Lash: Or was it?
Hawke: It was.
Lash: Crud. I was hoping for some dramatic suspense.
Sturm: Where's Adder? I know Flak is off smashing stuff somewhere, but where's Adder? We never seem to see him much.
Lash: Oh, he quit. He wanted to get a job he felt better suited his talents. He didn't feel being a CO featured enough trickery or deceit.
Sturm: Really? What job?
Lash: I have no idea.
There is a long pause.
Sturm: Isn't it supposed to cut away to what he's doing, and whatever he's doing will be some kind of a joke?
Lash: It should've, but didn't. Lord Seth is becoming even more crazy, apparently, and isn't even following through with his jokes.
Meanwhile, underground...
Orange Star citizen: It's been 1 year since Black Hole has defiled and conquered our land.
Citizen 2: I'm not sure they really "defiled" it. In fact, they've actually improved the air quality and disposed of some of our excess garbage...
Citizen: Shut up! I'm trying to make a speech here! Anyway, they have-
A large group of Black Hole soldiers burst into the room and arrest all of the citizens.
Citizen 2: I TOLD you we shouldn't have passed out flyers saying "Secret anti-Black Hole meeting at five o'clock underground today"
Citizen: It's easy to be perfect in hindsight.
Meanwhile...
Adder: It took you long enough to go through the line of people ahead of me!
Interviewer: Fine, fine. Anyway, to see if you're good at this job, you need to, on the spot, think up a good, creative lie. It needs to be a lie, but should be so convincing that the majority of people in your country will believe it.
Adder: I am not a crook!
Interviewer: Richard Nixon did it.
Adder: Um...I never went too far with that woman?
Interviewer: Bill Clinton did it.
Adder: Read my lips, no new tax laws?
Interviewer: George Bush did that.
Adder: Uh...an enemy country has weapons of horrible destruction, and we'll invade them, despite all evidence to the contrary?
Interviewer: No. The other George Bush did that. Sorry, but until your lies aren't just copies off of what Presidents said, you don't get the job.
Adder: But...but...I always wanted this job! It's my life's dream!
Interviewer: It's the life's dream of other people, also. And they're actually GOOD at it. Now get out of here.
Adder sadly leaves.
Interviewer: Next!
The Boy Who Cried Wolf: There's a wolf outside! A WOLF!
-Black Hole-
Hawke: It's boring here. I was left in charge of this place while the rest of the Black Hole COs are in charge of the occupation of Orange Star. And I'm stuck here, doing nothing other than talking to myself in a strange manner.
Black Hole Soldier: Attention, sir!
Hawke: What is it now?
Black Hole Soldier: Green Earth has launched a large-scale attack on us!
Hawke: Is that all? Just fight them off. Don't bother me until at least TWO countries attack us.
Another Black Hole Soldier enters.
Black Hole Soldier: Sir! Yellow Comet is invading!
Hawke: Finally! Excitement!
One terrible, bloody, devastating and brutal war later...
Flak: We've driven the enemy from our shores and have dealt a crippling blow to them, so we can conquer their homelands also. (sobbing) But at what cost? AT WHAT COST?!
Lash: Let's see...at the cost of 10,000,000 innocent civilians, 40,000,000 Yellow Comet soldiers, 50,000,000 Green Earth soldiers, and 100,000,000 Black Hole soldiers.
Flak: Whew! Not as bad as I thought.
Adder: Do we even have that many people in our country?
Hawke: No. But anyway, the point is WE'RE still alive, and that's all that matters. Now let's go conquer Yellow Comet and Green Earth and kill more people. Especially the innocent civilians.
Flak and Lash: All right!
Another terrible, bloody, and brutal war later...
Lord Seth: You forgot devastating.
Shut up!
Hawke: I can't believe it. We actually conquered Yellow Comet and Green Earth. Sure, it took another 100,000,000 Black Hole Soldiers to do it, but I'm still alive, so who cares?
Flak: Well, it goes to prove that war does have one definite usage.
Hawke: What?
Flak: It keeps the surplus population down.
-Blue Moon-
Grit: Uh-oh. Black Hole has conquered Yellow Comet AND Green Earth. We could be in trouble if they decide to invade us.
Olaf: Oh, you've got nothing to worry about. I already took precautions.
Grit: Let me guess. You put a fence up around our country.
Olaf: Good grief no! That would be stupid! I put up a forceshield around the country. It should be able to adequately withstand their attacks.
Grit stares at Olaf in shock.
Grit: Okay, WHAT happened to you?
Olaf: Oh, I went on this big adventure. It involved arranging mice, cats, buckets, conveyer belts, fish tanks, missiles, rockets, fireworks, lasers, can openers, mirrors, mixers, belts, rope, jack-in-the-boxes, walls, inclines, fans, electric motors, generators, bike pumps, springboards, anti-gravity pads, mouse holes, houses, Mel Schlemmings, balls, boxing gloves, egg timers, coffee pots, vacuums, dynamite, remote-controlled explosives, nitroglycerine, candles, alligators, teeter-totters, pulleys, balloons, flashlights, toasters, flint rocks, gears, magnifying glasses, lava lamps, and more to accomplish rather trivial tasks such as putting a ball in a bucket or firing a cannon. Anyway, it made me a lot smarter.
Lord Seth: That was a hidden reference, in case you couldn't tell.
Grit: I hate your hidden references.
Lord Seth: As much as you hate me?
Grit: No, not as much as I hate you.
Lord Seth: Crud.
Meanwhile...
Lord Seth: This part has been going on too long, so it's high time to end it.
Is it time to end it? Should I keep making the first question the previous statement changed into a question? How can Lord Seth be in two places at once? Will Black Hole, as per usual, get kicked out of the countries? And what are the Orange Star, Yellow Comet, and Green Earth COs doing right now? Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.875!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 13
(a.k.a. This story is still going on?)
Grit: Okay, now which way do we go?
E. Gadd looks at the radar thing-a-ma-bob he made.
E. Gadd: It's not a thing-a-ma-abob! It's a whatchamacallit!
DM: Who are you talking to?
E. Gadd: Never mind. We should go to the north.
DM: You mean north as in the opposite of south, right?
E. Gadd: Well, the dictionary defines north as-
Grit: Never mind! We'll just use this compass!
Voice: There won't be any need for that...
The group looks around and sees themselves surrounded by Black Hole soldiers.
Grit: I should've known Black Hole was behind this.
Black Hole Soldier: So why didn't you?
Grit: I don't know.
Luigi: Wait, I'm confused. So Black Hole was behind the disappearances?
Grit: Were you paying attention?
Luigi: No. I was waiting for the commercial.
Grit: That doesn't even make sense!
Luigi: It makes perfect sense to me.
Grit: Shut up.
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 14
(a.k.a. Yay! Something Is Revealed!)
Lord Seth: Right now, we're going to see what some people think about the results of the election!
We see brief flashes of what various people are saying.
Person 1: Yeah! Bush won! It's a good thing those idiotic Kerry-voters didn't win.
Person 2: No! Kerry lost! Those idiotic Bush-voters won!
Person 3: Get that camera out of my face!
Person 4: Enh. It's not going to affect me at all, so why do I care?
Person 5: (sobbing) How could you lose? How could you lose?! HOW COULD YOU LOSER, NADER?!
Person 5: Bush won! The world will end!
Person 6: Well, the people spoke. I may not agree with their decision, but Bush won fair and square.
Person 7: I'm moving to Canada. It's WAY too cold here.
Person 8: Wait...there was an election?
Back in the "studio"..
Lord Seth: Well, it seems to me that, from what people have said, Bush is a great, good, so-so, bad, and horrible candidate all at once. Trying to figure out how that even makes sense would drive me crazy if I weren�t already insane. In other news, many people have claimed they're going to move to a different country due to their disagreement with the outcome of the election. So, if you've been having difficulty finding housing, some may open up due to that. Now maybe I can finally actually live in a house and not a box...
Critic: Hi Lord Seth! I think your story is funny as hell!
Lord Seth: I take offense at that.
Critic: What?
Lord Seth: You said my story was funny as hell! That means it's at the same level of hilarity as hell, which isn't funny, at least, not to most people.
Critic: Um...
Lord Seth: You do realize we raised this story's rating from G to PG, just because of a joke that wasn't even that funny?
Critic: Sadly, yes.
Back in our (otherwise G-rated) story...
Black Hole Soldier: Come with us or else!
Grit: Or else what?
Black Hole Soldier: Or else...um...uh...line.
Black Hole Soldier 2: Or else we'll pulverize them.
Black Hole Soldier: Or else we'll pulverize them!
Black Hole Soldier 2: Wait, you were talking to them. So shouldn't you say "pulverize you", not "pulverize them"?
Black Hole Soldier: Well, YOU'RE the one who said "pulverize them".
Black Hole Soldier 2: I thought you were smart enough to figure out you should switch "them" to "you"!
Grit (to Luigi): This is getting boring. Should we just pulverize them?
Luigi: Nah, I say we wait for them to pulverize us. THEN we pulverize them.
Grit: Remind me to never take your advice.
Luigi: Okay. Never take my advice.
E. Gadd: Oh, for the love of...oh well, I'll just whip up an invention that will defeat them.
E. Gadd pulls random objects out of nowhere and somehow puts them together to make a high-tech-looking device.
E. Gadd: A push of a button should save us!
E. Gadd pushes the button. Instantly all of the Black Hole soldiers stop arguing and become much stronger. Oh, and 100 more Black Hole soldiers appear.
Grit: What just happened?
E. Gadd: Oh, I messed up in my calculations. How could I have forgotten that the Cosine of 25 is 0.906307787 rounded to 9 decimal places, not 0.906307786?
Grit stares bug-eyed at E. Gadd.
E. Gadd: What? What?
Grit: (sighs) Let's see if being more powerful because of DM will help us fight these guys off.
Luigi: Oh, about that. I asked DM about that, and he said he has to be conscious in order to do that. So if he's knocked out we're back to normal. Actually, we're weaker than normal for a day or two. Oh, and any personality changes will continue until then.
Grit: Did you have to say that out loud?
Luigi: Yes.
The Black Hole soldiers, who have seemingly become more intelligent, all jump DM and knock him out. Then they do the same to Grit and E. Gadd. They're about to attack Luigi when he speaks up.
Luigi: Wait! Don't I at least get a statement before you knock me out?
Black Hole soldier: Okay, I guess so.
Luigi: Okay. Ahem.
There is a long pause.
Black Hole soldier: Aren't you going to say something?
Luigi: I just did. I wanted to be sure to say nothing before I was knocked out.
The Black Hole soldiers look at each other, confused, then shrug. Then they knock out Luigi.
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 15
Previously, Black Hole conquered Yellow Comet and Green Earth. Now the only country they don't have control of is Blue Moon...
-Blue Moon-
Grit: Okay, Olaf, let's see if I got this straight. After you somehow became smarter through what was a hidden reference, you put up a forcefield to protect us.
Colin: Actually, I think the proper term here is forceshield. Forceshield implies defense, but forcefield just separates things.
Grit: Not that forcefield/forceshield thing AGAIN!
Colin: Huh? When was the first time?
Grit: Never mind.
-Black Hole-
Sturm: Only one country yet eludes us: Blue Moon. Once we conquer them, we shall have control of the entire world! Mwahahahaha!
Flak: But what's the point? I mean, sure, we have power and all, but what's the point? We're all going to die anyway. And what's the point of even having all that power?
Sturm: Lash?
Lash: Yes?
Sturm: Knock Flak unconcious and brainwash him.
Lash: You mean, use torture tactics to change his views?
Sturm: No. I mean take his brain out, wash it, then put it back in.
Flak: Hey, don't I get a say in this?
Sturm and Lash: No.
Flak: Crud.
-Blue Moon-
Colin: Several units are approaching our border!
Olaf: Who cares? The forcefield-
Colin: Forceshield.
Olaf: Well, the forceshield will protect us from them, so we don't have to worry. Just ignore them.
Meanwhile, in the units...
Andy: Why the heck won't they let us in?
Max: Yeah, it's not like they don't care because they think their forceshield will protect them against everything, and we don't matter, right?
Eagle: Oh, let's just destroy the forcefield, then go in.
Jess: It's a forceshield, Eagle.
Eagle: Whatever! Close enough!
Jess: No, they're different. You see, a forceshield-
Drake: We'll discuss this later! Now isn't the time!
Nell: Yeah! Destroy the forceshield so we can go in there to be safe.
Sami: Huh? That doesn't make sense.
Max: It makes perfect sense! We destroy the forceshield, enter Blue Moon, and then we're protected by the forceshield.
Sami: But the forceshield would be destroyed!
Max: So? It'll protect us.
Eagle: Where's the Yellow Comet COs and Hachi anyway?
Where are they anyway? Will Black Hole conquer Blue Moon? Is this part too short? Is this whole quest for power thing pointless because we're all going to die? Is there even any point to this story, as everyone who reads it and enjoys it is only going to die?
Lord Seth: These are serious philosophical issues, and this is supposed to be a humorous story, not a serious one. Quit it.
Will I quit it?
Lord Seth: Yes, you will!
Uh...well...aw, crud, I hate having the questions answered so soon after they're asked.
Lord Seth: Live with it. Oh, and tune in next time to Advance Wars 2.875!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 16
(a.k.a. What Not To Do In A Dungeon)
Luigi, E. Gadd, Grit, and DM all wake up chained in a dungeon.
Luigi: Why are we chained up? It makes it kind of difficult to move around.
DM: That's why we ARE chained up you dolt!
Luigi: Really? Why wouldn't our hosts want us moving around?
DM: HOSTS?! You mean our captors! They're holding us here. They're not hosts.
Luigi: Good point. I'm going to lodge a complaint.
DM sighs.
E. Gadd: More to the point, how can we get out of here?
Grit: Well, as much as I hate to say it, there may be only one option.
E. Gadd: What?
Grit: (sighs) Asking Lord Seth for help.
DM: Who is this Lord Seth guy anyway? I never did really meet him.
The dungeon door opens and a Black Hole Soldier comes in.
Black Hole Soldier: So, how do you find your accomodations?
Luigi: Well, they would be nicer if this place was cleaner and was less dark. And if we didn't have these chains on us. And if we could have food served to us.
Black Hole Soldier: You don't know the definition of sarcasm, do you?
Luigi: No.
Black Hole Soldier: Um, anyway, we're trying to decide whether we should just leave you guys in here to starve or not. I'll keep you updated.
The Black Hole Soldier leaves.
Meanwhile...
Lord Seth: For absolutely no reason, I�m doing an anchorman imitation. In recent news, outsourcing has reached an all-time high, with even mailmen having their jobs outsourced. Fortunately, though, I have no fear of my job as a writer bieng outsourced.
Person: Lord Seth, I'm sorry to say that you've been fired.
Lord Seth: WHAT?! Why are you firing me? And how can you even fire me? I'm self-employed!
Person: In answer to your first question, as you know, we corporations are all about profit. That's why we're outsourcing your job to a Mexican.
Lord Seth: And the second one? How can YOU outsource MY job if I'm self-employed?
Person: Long story.
Lord Seth: How long?
Person: About 15 1/2 minutes.
Lord Seth: Never mind, then.
Person: Well, it turns out people in Mexico will do 1/3 the job you do for 1/2 the price, which is why we outsourced your job.
Lord Seth counts his fingers several times, then looks confused.
Lord Seth: Wait...that doesn't make any sense.
Person: Too bad! Now let's get back to the story with our new (and less expensive) writer!
En el mazmorra...
Luigi: Sabe, cuando escaparemos, estar� demandando este lugar porque no escuchando mis quejas.
Todos menos Luigi suspiran.
Luigi: �Qu�? �Qu�?
Entretanto...
Person: �Ve? �Perfecto! �Si nosotros corporaciones no somos tan avariciosos, dar�a al escritor nuevo un aumento!
Lord Seth: Odio usted.
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 17
(a.k.a. The Big Reveal, Plus Another Political Joke)
Lord Seth: I FINALLY got my job back...good thing that Mexican they hired fell asleep so often they fired him. Anyway, here�s a grammar lesson!
Lord Seth pulls out a chalkboard. Throughout his speech, he points at parts of it often, but for some reason we won't describe it.
Lord Seth: Okay, here are some common misconceptions. First of all, "a lot" is two words, not one. The word "alot" does not exist. Also, you never should write "would of", "could of", or "should of". You should write "would have", "could have", and "should have". The reason people make that mistake is because their contractions, "would've", "could've", and "should've" SOUND like "would of", "could of", and "should of". However, just because words sound similar doesn't mean they're interchangeable. I mean, by that logic the words "two", "too", and "to" are interchangeable, but they aren't! So, remember, "alot" is not a word and you never should write "could of". This has been a random grammar lesson. Thank you and good night...even though it's actually 1 PM.
Meanwhile, in a darkened room, there are the two figures we saw earlier. We still can't make out who they are.
Figure 1: Will you get some lights on in this place already?
Figure 2: Well, I did have them installed. We just didn't turn on the light switch.
Figure 1 flicks the switch and the lights come on. We see they are Sturm (from Advance Wars 1 & 2) and Smithy (from Super Mario RPG).
Sturm: Crud. We just ruined the suspense.
Smithy: Now that people know who we are, how about we talk about our evil plan in nauseating detail for absolutely no reason?
Sturm: Great idea!
Smithy: Okay, let's figure this out: Weren't you killed at the end of Advance Wars 2?
Sturm: Yes...but I rebuilt myself...and have returned! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Smithy: Wow. We both did the same thing. Cool, huh?
Sturm: Well, you know what they say.
Smithy: Yep. I do.
Sturm: So, now that we have effectively removed all of our enemies from Wars World, we will be free to invade it at our leisure and control the whole place. And with Mario and the rest of the Mushroom Kingdom gone, along with the Koopas, there won't be anyone to stop us from taking that place over either.
Smithy: Well, there IS Luigi and Grit. Why didn't we take them also?
Sturm: Convenient plot device?
Smithy: Good enough for me.
Lord Seth: The best thing is for the reader to think up some reason, and then consider that to be the real reason. And I'm not feeling a lot of niceness in this room right now.
Sturm and Smithy are glaring at Lord Seth. They both pull out weapons and point them at him.
Lord Seth: Uh...gotta go!
Lord Seth runs off.
Smithy: How did you ever tolerate that guy?
Sturm: It wasn't easy. Now, what should we do with our four prisoners?
Smithy: Difficult, difficult...if we try to destroy them outright, they'll somehow get the upper hand and escape. But if we try to starve them, that just gives them a lot of time to figure out how to escape. And for all we know they'll get skinny enough to escape from their chains.
Sturm: Let's just leave this place and drop a bomb on it.
Smithy: Good enough for me!
Meanwhile, in the dungeon...
E. Gadd: That's it! I've just figured out a way to get out of this dungeon! Yeah!
Grit: And what would this plan be?
E. Gadd: Well, all I need is a lock-picking machine and we'll be all set.
Grit: That's easier said than done. Where are we going to get a lock-picking machine?
E. Gadd: We could make one.
DM: Using what?
E. Gadd: Oh, you know, odds and ends. Like the mold growing on the walls. And the bones from previous prisoners who died here because they didn't get food. All I have to do is get my hands out of these chains and it'll be a cinch.
DM: Why do you keep doing that thing?
E. Gadd: What thing?
DM: You know, the thing where you assume everything will be super-easy, when it's really not.
E. Gadd: I don't know. Maybe I was just born that way.
Meanwhile...
Lord Seth: This darn election is FINALLY over!
Vapor: It's been over for over a week. You're just noticing it?
Lord Seth: No, but it's just sinking in. Finally! No more political ads! No more political debates that boil down to "You're wrong and I'm right!". No more thinking the whole election is like a movie that takes forever to reach its climax. It's finally over!
Vapor: Yep! We've got 4 more years until we have to do it all again!
Lord Seth turns pale.
Lord Seth (nervously): You mean we'll have to go through all that AGAIN 4 years from now?
Vapor: Um, yeah.
Lord Seth (throwing his arms up and looking up in dramatic effect): NOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 18
Previously, Black Hole decided it was time to conquer Blue Moon.
-Black Hole-
Sturm: Are the forces ready for battle?
Hawke: They're always ready for battle.
Sturm: Good...good.
Lash: Unfortunately, Blue Moon has put up a powerful forceshield to keep us out. However, I should be able to take it out.
Sturm: Excellent!
Lash: ...but it'll probably take me about a year to do so. We need to examine it and then build a machine that will take it out.
Adder: I say we just tunnel under it.
Sturm: ...which is exactly what I was about to suggest!
Adder: SUUUUURE you were.
Sturm: No, really, it was.
Lord Seth: Just to let the reader know, Sturm actually WAS just about to suggest it. That's the joke: you think he was making that up, but he actually was going to say it.
Later...
Sturm: Important meeting! All COs must join!
Flak: When is the meeting?
Sturm: 2 PM.
Flak: Aw man, I hate afternoon meetings...and evening meetings...and morning meetings...and night meetings...in fact, I hate all meetings.
Sturm: You didn't seem to have a problem with them before. You were in plenty of meetings!
Flak: Yeah, but I was...um...uh...I don't know, think up some weird explanation and pass it off as fact.
Sturm: That's what these stories do best!
Meanwhile...
Lord Seth: We're trying to branch this story out to get people who prefer different genres to read it. So we'll try to incorporate things from the various different genres. First up, Romance!
Andy is holding a gift-wrapped package and gives it to Sonja.
Andy: Happy Valentine's Day, Sonja! This gift came directly from my heart!
Sonja: Why, thank you Andy!
Sonja opens the present, only to find out it's just a vial of blood.
Sonja: Huh?
Andy: I said it was directly from my heart.
Sonja faints.
Lord Seth: Angst!
Sami is seen holding a gun.
Sami: LIFE IS FUTILE! (kills self)
Lord Seth: Don't worry, she'll be fine. Now I'm supposed to read this thing to avoid lawsuits.
Lord Seth pulls out a packet and starts reading.
Lord Seth: You are warned to never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever (turns page) ever, ever, attempt what Sami just did. Wait...I think I left out an "ever". I'll have to do that again. *ahem* Never, ever, ever, ever, ever-
Sami: Just shut up and get on with it!
Lord Seth: Oh, right. Ahem. Next up is Tragedy.
Colin: WHY?! Why did you have to die, Olaf and Grit?
It starts raining, despite the fact it's indoors. Colin looks up towards the sky in a dramatic fashion and thrusts his hands in that direction.
Colin: WHY?!
Grit: Um, Colin? We're standing right here.
Colin: Oh.
Lord Seth: Drama!
Nothing happens.
Lord Seth: See? After all, that's all that happens in drama. Anyway, on to Poetry!
Drake: I had to write this
And I wanted to be quick
Haikus are fastest
Lord Seth: Mystery!
Eagle is in a room with the other COs.
Eagle: One of you took my lucky goggles! And I know which one...
Eagle points at himself.
Eagle: Ha! I fooled you all! I was the one who took my lucky goggles!
Lord Seth: Horror!
Sonja is standing in a swamp. Max comes running by.
Max: AAAAAHHH!! It's the son of the return of the revenge of the death of the Evil Swamp Monster King!
Sonja: Oh, come on. There's no such thing as an Evil Swamp Monster-
A greenish claw grabs Sonja's leg and pulls her into the weird green water-like stuff that's in swamps.
Lord Seth: Supernatural!
Lash is wearing goggles.
Lash: My See Dead People Goggles� are awesome!
Adder: So what's going on with you now?
Lash: I see dead people...all the time.
Adder: I had to ask.
Lash: I see dead people-
Adder: I got it the first time!
Lord Seth: Fantasy!
Weird Wizard: And it's up to you to throw this ring into the fires of Mt. Doom.
Hachi: But what's in it for me?
Weird Wizard: Um...you'll be famous forever?
Olaf: I was thinking more in terms of getting paid.
Weird Wizard: Oh, forget it. I'll just find some other people to do this for me. If intelligence is proportional to body size, I should find some pretty small people...
Lord Seth: Spiritual!
Colin: I just joined this cool new religion!
Grit: What religion is this?
Colin: It's called Wehatereligionism.
Grit: Um...what's their primary doctrine?
Colin: To join the religion, you just have to hate organized religion. But hating disorganized religion is fine also.
Grit: But if they hate all religions, how can it be a religion?
Colin: Beats me. I only signed up because they were giving out free tacos to new converts.
Grit: You joined a religion just to get a taco?
Colin: Hey, I was hungry!
Lord Seth: Suspense!
Nell is tied to a train track while a train approaches. Suddenly, an airplane overhead accidentally drops a knife. She grabs it and uses it to cut the ropes, and she gets out with 1/10 of a second to spare.
Lord Seth: Sci-Fi!
Suddenly, 7 or so giant UFOs appear all over Wars World. They float around there for a while, then leave.
Lord Seth: And lastly, Parody! (pause) No, wait...I think we've got that covered. Well, we wasted so much time on this that we're out of time, so tune in next time to-
Hey! I'm the one that gets to say that!
Lord Seth: Fine, but be quick about it!
Will I be quick about it? Find out next time!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 19
(a.k.a. Narrators Are A Necessary Evil)
Lord Seth walks onto the screen. Well, it's not really a screen, I guess. I mean, this is a text-based story. So there's no screen. Well, I guess I can just say he comes onto where we can see. Or something like that. You know, why do I have to talk about him all the time? Why not me? I bet you don't know anything about MY life. I mean, I could have 4 ex-wives and 100 kids and you wouldn't have any idea.
Lord Seth (seemingly oblivious to the narrator rambling on): Wow! Part 19 already! All right!
I mean, seriously. I think we narrators need more of a personality. All we get to do is say things like "So-and-so does something". It's boring! I think I should be able to say things and contribute to the story like the other characters! Oh, yeah, and while I'm saying this, Lord Seth is glaring at the viewer. Or rather, me. I guess I'm in the same direction as the viewer. Or the reader. I don't know.
Lord Seth: Quit it! I don't want these stupid narrator gags!
Aw, man!
Lord Seth: Conversations with the narrator were an overused joke I did back in...well, a while ago! So quit it!
I refuse!
Lord Seth: Shut up and don't talk until you actually need to. Or else you're fired!
Okay, okay. Sheesh...
Lord Seth: Meanwhile, back in the dungeon...
Hey! I was supposed to do that!
Lord Seth: Shut up. As I was saying, back in the dungeon...
E. Gadd: Hey, I think I know how we can get out of here!
Grit: How?
E. Gadd: We just have to use a spear!
DM: Spear?
E. Gadd: Oh, it's a primitive weapon they used to use. It was basically a stick with a sharpened rock on it that people threw at their enemies. It actually used to be the primary weapon in wars.
Luigi: Ah, how far we've come.
Everyone stares at Luigi.
Luigi: What?
Grit: Okay, so how do we GET a spear?
E. Gadd: That's the hard part of the plan. Once we get that done, it'll all be smooth sailing.
DM: That's a lot like saying that once you make a television and have it hooked up, it's easy to get it to work.
E. Gadd: It isn't! You still have to worry about cable fees, and what to get cable from...
DM: Please shut up.
E. Gadd: Okay! But do YOU have a better plan on how to get out of this accursed dungeon?
DM: Well, I actually-
Intercom: Would all Black Hole soldiers immediately leave the building? And would everyone else, except for people who are against Black Hole? So, if you're for Black Hole, get out. If you're against it, stay inside. Oh, and be sure to get out in the next...15 minutes. And no, this isn't because a bomb is going to go off here! Really! We mean it! Sort of.
Grit: Oh, crud.
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 20
(a.k.a. The Anti-Cockroach Vaccine)
Grit: We've got to get out of here! Or else something horrible will happen to us!
Luigi: Oh, we have to get out of here? Why didn't you say so?
Luigi easily escapes from his chains. Everyone looks at him, dumbfounded.
Luigi: What?
DM: Never mind. Just let us out of here.
Luigi: Oh. How do I do that again?
DM: (with great restraint): Just press the buttons on them.
E. Gadd: You think they would've had a better locking system.
DM: It was probably done on the cheap.
E. Gadd: So why didn't we just open them ourselves?
Grit: Think up some weird explanation and pass it off as fact.
E. Gadd: Okay!
So the four manage to escape. The building explodes 0.000000000000000001 seconds after they manage to get out of there.
DM: See? I TOLD you we could stay in there as long as we wanted; it wouldn't explode until we just got out. That's how it goes in action.
Grit: Oh, shut up.
E. Gadd: Now that we know Dark Pit is-
Grit: That's Black Hole.
E. Gadd: Oh, right. Now that we know that Black Hole is behind the disappearances, what do we do?
Luigi: We do what every group of adventurers do...we sit around on our butts and scratch our heads!
DM: Shut up.
Luigi: You're being mean! WAAAAAHHHH!
Grit: Could you PLEASE change it so he goes back to normal? I'd rather have him be intelligent and weaker than stupid and strong.
Luigi: I'll be good!
Grit: Okay, let's take a look in the ruined building. Maybe, just maybe, we'll find something useful.
DM: Isn't it interesting you guys completely forgot about Grit's complaint?
E. Gadd: The odds of anything useful surviving the blast are about 1 in 10^50-1. You know that, right?
DM: Um, guys? Are you listening to me?
Grit: Yeah, but wasn't the scientific standard for ruling things impossible if the chances were less than 1 in 10^50?
DM: Hey! Guys!
E. Gadd: Wait, I thought it was if the chances were less than or equal to that.
DM: Oh, forget it.
Luigi: It doesn't matter! Since it's 1 in 10^50-1, that means it's possible! By scientific standards, anyway.
E. Gadd: You can't argue with science! TO THE WRECKAGE OF THE BUILDING!
They walk to the ruined building.
Grit: It could take a while to search for something useful.
Log10 seconds later...
Grit: Found something! It's a piece of paper. It says "Top Secret. Unless you have an A-0.5 classification in the Black Hole Army, do not read this and conk yourself in the head until you forget about ever having seen this."
Luigi: Better do what they say! I'll do the head-conking for you!
DM: Can we get back to that part about making Luigi smart again?
Grit: Luigi, no. We're going to read this.
Luigi: But...but...but that's bad! It says not to!
Grit: Luigi? Let's play the quiet game.
Luigi: Okay!
Grit: Okay. We-
Luigi: HA! I win!
DM: Is anyone listening to me?
Grit: Okay, Luigi. Here's the new rules to the quiet game. You see how long YOU can keep quiet. See if you can beat 24 hours.
Luigi: Will do!
DM: Guys! Come on! Pay attention to me!
E. Gadd: Read it already, Grit.
Grit: Okay, okay. Part of it was ripped off, but it says something about mass relocation. That must be the disappearances! It says "Those who were relocated were taken to-"
E. Gadd: Then what?
DM: HEY! GUYS! LISTEN TO ME! COME ON!
Grit: The later part is smudged and I'm having difficulty reading it. Let's see...it says something about north...and building...and bowling.
E. Gadd: That doesn't help much.
Grit: Maybe DM can help us. DM?
DM: Finally you guys are paying attention to me!
E. Gadd: Wait, where is DM?
Grit: Yeah, good point. I can't find him.
DM: I'm standing right here!
Grit: Did he leave or something?
DM: YOU [BEEP]S NEED TO OPEN YOUR [BEEP]ING EYES AND LOOK AT WHAT'S [BEEP]ING IN FRONT OF YOU! I'M STANDING RIGHT [BEEP]ING HERE!
Grit: Oh, THERE you are DM. Why didn't you speak up before?
E. Gadd: How did you make that cool beeping sound effect anyway?
DM: Well, that's interesting. Would you believe that-
E. Gadd: Oh man! We lost DM again! Where is he? I can't find him anywhere.
DM: ARGH!
And so our heroes go off to the north. What exciting new adventures will they encounter?
Read on!