Parts 181 to 190
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 181
Previously, there were tryouts for national anthems that all had tunes that were plagiarized, and Lash thought up an evil plan, though we didn't find out what it was because we wanted to end it with a hook. Not a hook as in Captain Hook or that "the Hook" story or anything like that, I mean a literary device used to get people into reading something.
-Black Hole-
Lash: And so my evil plan is...
Sturm: Yes?
Lash: To make horrible spyware programs and let them loose on everyone's computers!
There is a pause.
Sturm: That's so random and crazy it'll probably work, at least until they discover the weak point of spyware programs and foil our plan.
Von Bolt: So let's make horrible computer viruses also!
Sturm: Isn't that virii?
Von Bolt: no, it's viruses.
Sturm: Yeah, but the plural of, say, octopus is octopi.
Von Bolt: Actually, no! It's octopuses.
Flak: Octopus is a cool word.
Von Bolt: Well, I like this plan! Set it into motion!
-Blue Moon-
Olaf: I love our new national anthem!
Grit: Olaf, it's "The Wheels On The Bus Go Round And Round"!
Olaf: It's better than the alternative!
Grit: And what was that?
Olaf: (singing horribly) I knew a farmer who had a dog and Bingo was his name-o! B-I-B-G-O! B-I-N-G-O! B-I-N-G-O and Bingo was his name-o! I knew a farmer who had a dog and Bingo was his-
Grit: Well, why couldn't we choose something other than those two?
Olaf: I have absolutely no idea! Let's check the Internet.
The two go over to a computer but the computer explodes.
Grit: That was unexpected.
Colin: Grit! Olaf! Reports are coming in of computers all over the planet exploding!
Olaf: What?! But without computers, we won't be able to argue about the most trivial and insignificant things! Without computers, we'd never know the frustration of a crash making you loose all your data!
Grit: Don't you mean LOSE all your data? "Loose" is the opposite of tight and isn't a verb, it's an adjective. "Loosen" is a verb however, but it means something completely different than "lose."
Olaf: No, loose. Gotta be sure to tighten that data!
Grit: How can you tighten data?
Olaf: How should I know?
Will more people still get "loose" and "lose" mixed up? Will Black Hole's nefarious plan succeed? Will we EVER be free from the horrible grip of spyware and computer viruses? Does Von Bolt need loosening? Get it? Bolt? Loosening? Heh. Anyway, tune in next time, to-
Lord Seth: Hang on! This part isn't over yet!
Whoops!
-Orange Star-
Andy: Well, the computers may have all spontaneously been destroyed, but I think I know a way to fix it!
Max: Please don't let it be hitting them repeatedly with a wrench AGAIN...
Andy: No! We do some sort of weird thing where we go into the Internet and destroy the offending viruses and spyware!
Max: Shouldn't that be virii?
Andy: No.
Max: Hey, did you know that the plural form of synopsis isn't synopsises, it's synopses? And that it goes like that for most other words that end in "is"? The plural form of diagnosis is diagnoses for example. I guess it makes some sense, as diagnosises does sound awkward. But the point is if the word ends in "is" then the ending is usually changed to "es" rather than tacking on an "es." Isn't that interesting?
Andy: Since when did you become a spelling enthusiast?
Max: Since Lord Seth made me wear one of those headphone things at night that talk to you and you listen and subconsciously learn stuff.
Andy: All right! Time to go...INTO THE MATRIX!
There is a pause.
Max: Don't you mean into the computer?
Andy: Matrix sounds cooler and lets us pull off a parody. And now for your moment of Zen! Max?
Max: Ahem. The following words NEED apostrophes to be considered words: I'm, I'll, I've, couldn't, wouldn't, shouldn't, could've, would've, should've, he's, she's, he'd, she'd, I'd, don't, let's, won't...
Andy: Um, how is that a moment of Zen?
Max: Well, I suppose ID, IM, ill, wont, lets, and some other contractions can be words without apostrophes, but they mean completely different things. A few of these contractions (two wods combined with an apostrophe) can be words without the apostrophe, but again they mean completely different things. Kind of like how there, their, and they're all sound the same but mean different things.
Andy: You didn't answer my question. How is this a moment of Zen?
Max: And furthermore, strangely, "it's" only means "it is" or "it has" and is never used for possession. If you want to refer to a computer and say something about the screen it has, you would say "its screen" and not "it's screen." I suppose it's a little like how "his" and "her" are the possessives for he and she rather than he's and she's.
Andy: Answer my question!
Max: Now for more words that need apostrophes! Aren't, can't, it'll...
Andy: Never mind.
And now for your REAL moment of zen!
Andy: (meditating) Ommmmmm...
Will this Matrix parody end up being a Matrix parody? Will the evil virii and spyware be stopped? Um, sorry, will the evil VIRUSES and spyware be stopped? Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.875!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 182
Previously, we had an unnecessarily long scene in which we discussed grammar and spelling in reference to apostrophes, along with other random spelling and grammar errors. But what really mattered is that Black Hole's nefarious plan has caused computers to explode by using viruses and spyware! Will our heroes manage to get into the computers and stop them? Keep reading and find out!
-Orange Star-
Andy: Okay! All we have to do is go into the Internet and stop the viruses at their source!
Nell: Isn't that virii?
Andy: Shut up. Okay, is everyone ready to begin the transfer?
Max: I have to go to the bathroom!
Andy: Really?
Max: Yeah! I have to go there to wash my hands! I was always told that before you go into the Internet or a computer, you should wash your hands.
Andy: Fine, fine.
One washing of hands later...
Andy: Okay, does anyone else need to do anything?
There is a pause.
Andy: Okay then! TO THE INTERNET!
They all disappear.
-The Internet-
All the Orange Star COs are in the Internet, which I will not bother to describe for no reason. A virus comes up to them.
Virus: You must die!
Andy throws a wrench at the virus and it dies.
Max: This is easy!
Just then, the most horrible thing on the Internet comes over to them!
Nell: Uh-oh...
That's right...SPAM! The can of spam falls on our heroes and squashes them.
Sami: I hate spam.
-Orange Star-
Hachi: Okay, Generic Employee Number 1, what do you think of Generic Employee Number 2?
Generic Employee Number-
Hachi: Shut up!
Generic Employee Number 1: What?! I didn't even say anything! It didn't even finish saying my name!
Hachi: You dare contradict me?! You're fired!
Uh, for those who don't get it, this is that TV show that Hachi came up with a while back.
Hachi: Stay tuned for the next episode of The Blatant Parody On The Apprentice! And in case you're wondering why we're broadcasting when supposedly all the computers were down from viruses and spyware, it's because unless everyone else, we DON'T use Portals, the operating software that my company makes! We use Banana instead!
-Green Earth-
Eagle: This is boring!
Good point, Eagle! Let's cut away yet again!
Eagle: Hang on a minute! I wasn't talking about this, I was talking about Hachi's new show!
Uh...uh...can't think of a response...um...wait, I know! Can I think of a response? Is this an obvious way to...um...uh...darn it, can't think of the way to phrase it...uh...well, tune in next time to Advance Wars 2.875!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 183
Previously, a bunch of horrible spyware and viruses caused problems for everyone, except for Hachi because he didn't use the operating system Portals, which his own company made.
-The Internet-
Everyone is still crushed under the large can of spam.
Andy: Well, at least it could be worse. We could-
Max: Shut up! Don't you know that if you say how it could be worse, it gets worse in that exact way?
Andy: Oh. Sorry.
Another giant can of spam falls on them.
Andy: But I didn't even say anything!
Max: You thought it, which is just as bad!
Sami: There's only one way out of this! A spam-blocker!
Suddenly a barrier appears between the spam cans and the Orange Star COs.
Sami: Ha! It worked!
A large sign suddenly appears saying "Will you upgrade to the Pro version of this software?"
Sami: Uh...no.
The sign suddenly says "Your trial period has expired! Have a nice day!"
The spam cans suddenly fall back on the COs.
Sami: Oh, darn it.
Max: Ha! I bet I can get them off of us with my incredible strength!
Andy: NO! No one has the power to withstand spam!
Max manages to pick up the cans so they are no longer crushing the COs.
Max: And now to throw them away!
Max tries to throw the cans away but they only go about an inch before falling and crushing the COs yet again.
Max: Darn poor indirect combat skills!
Andy: Okay, YOU pick it up and I'll throw it. My indirect combat skills are a little better.
Max picks it up, then gives it to Andy. Andy isn't strong enough to hold it up and they all instantly crush the COs yet again.
Nell: This is stupid. Let's just let my incredible luck do the work for us.
Sami: That is one of the most ridiculous-
Suddenly, a strong wind comes and blows the cans off the COs.
Nell: You were saying?
Sami: (grudgingly) Nothing.
Various viruses that look suspiciously like the viruses from Dr. Mario all begin to attack them. We say they look suspiciously like them rather than saying they look like them because that frees us up from lawsuits. Or so our lawyers, who also work for the guys who made Dr. Mario, say.
Andy: Don't worry! We just need some megavitamins!
Nell: We don't have any.
Andy: Okay, then we just need to make them all the same color!
Nell: All you have to do is shout out a color, and they all turn to that color! Watch!
Sami: That is one of the most ridiculous-
Nell: YELLOW!
Nothing happens.
Andy: No, you do it like this!
Somehow being able to jump amazingly well, Andy jumps on the various viruses. Whenever he jumps on one it changes color. He keeps jumping on various ones until they're all the same color, and they all disappear.
Max: When computer viruses die, do they go to heaven?
Everyone stares at Max.
Max: What? It's a plausible question.
Everyone continues staring at Max.
Max: Well, if they really want to, they should be smart, like me, and be a member of all religions!
Sami: You can't belong to every religion! Their doctrine contradicts each other! Half of them say that it's wrong to believe any other religion!
Max: So? Most of them have contradictory beliefs within them. If people can believe in religions that contradict themselves, how hard is it to believe in religions that contradict each other?
Sami stares at Max.
Max: Ha! My lightning-fast wit has defeated you!
Has it defeated her? Why did this part only focus on the Orange Star COs? Is it possible we've run out of ideas? Find out next time, on Advance Wars 2.875!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 184
Previously, the Orange Star COs went into the internet, managed to defeat the SPAM that was plaguing them, and then defeated the viruses that were troubling everyone.
-The Internet-
Andy: Now just the spyware programs to go!
Sami: Hang on! I'm in charge here!
Nell: Aren't I?
Sami: No, you're a background character. You're always with us but usually don't say anything.
-Blue Moon-
Olaf: All right! The computers are working slightly better!
Grit: How so?
Olaf: They're not exploding! They're just going really, really slowly. And for some reason Black Hole now has all my credit card numbers.
-Black Hole-
Von Bolt: Excellent! With all the chaos, we can invade! Boot up the computers so we can issue commands to the troops!
Lash: Um...they're not working.
Von Bolt: What? You made sure the viruses and spyware didn't work on our computers, right?
Lash: Um...
Von Bolt: I hate you all.
-Yellow Comet-
Kanbei: Now what do we do with all these exploded computers?
Grimm: Grimm'll save the day!
Grimm eats all the computers.
Grimm: Ta-da!
Sonja: Finally someone else from Advance Wars: Dual Strike appears...
Kanbei: Advance Wars Dual Strike? What is this?
Sonja: Nothing.
Grimm: But I am still hungry...must have more food...
Grimm eats the entire fortress where the COs are in.
Grimm: So hungry...
Grimm stares at the Yellow Comet COs hungrily.
Sonja: Uh, you're not going to eat us, are you?
Grimm: Of course not! That's barbaric!
Grimm eats the floor.
Grimm: Well, I'm full now. Uh-oh...feel queasy...
Grimm throws up, which by pure coincidence all goes exactly where it was before, so the fortress hasn't changed at all.
Grimm: Well, that was random. What's been happening recently?
Sensei: Where have you even been?
Grimm: Eating.
Sensei: I should've known.
-The Internet-
Andy: Okay! The spyware programs are all gone! Now we just need to leave the internet and get back to normal reality!
There is a pause.
Andy: Uh, we DO know how to do that, right?
Max: Of course we do! I'm not an idiot, you know! The trigger to return us is to hit ourselves in the head three times.
Nell: Who thought up THAT trigger?
Max: I'd rather not say.
So they all hit themselves in the head three times and are transported back into the "real" world.
-Black Hole-
Sturm: Drat! My spyware/virus evil diabolical plan didn't work!
Hawke: Maybe if we invaded when they were in all that confusion we could have managed to conquer something!
There is a pause.
Sturm: Nah.
Would that have worked? Are more Advance Wars: Dual Strike characters going to appear? Will Grimm's appetite ever be sated? Will Grimm have a function in this story other than being really hungry? Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.875!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 185
Previously, Black Hole's virus/spyware program was thwarted, and Grimm ate a lot.
Lord Seth: Hi! Time for one of my rants! For those of you who write in the script format and don't bother to use correct capitalization, spacing, punctuation, spelling, or anything else like that, either stop writing or start writing correctly! You're making people like me who try to write correctly in the script format look bad! Remember, you put a character's name, a colon, then a space, then the dialogue. And furthermore, blah blah blah blah...
Uh, that's enough of Lord Seth's rant. I have no idea if he actually said "blah blah blah blah" or if it was one of those things that was added in to convey he was still talking. Come to think of it, who cares? I don't! I bet you don't either! I bet I could search the whole world over and not find someone who cares! In fact, I think that even if I looked on other planets, then blah blah blah blah...
-Black Hole-
Sturm: I need another evil plan! Lash! Think up another one!
Von Bolt: Um, excuse me, I'm in charge here.
Sturm: Oh, right, sorry.
Von Bolt: I need another evil plan! Hawke! Think up another one!
Flak: Oh, I get it! Usually the joke is that the other person says the same thing as the first person, but that's gotten a little clich�, so it's been improvised so that it's a double-joke by adjusting what the second person said just a little!
Everyone stares at Flak.
Flak: Why do people keep doing that whenever I talk?
Adder: The fools...the fools...little do they know my diabolical plan!
Sturm: We can hear you, you know.
Adder: I'm going to download all the 8-Bit Theater, or 8-Bit Theatre, I don't know what it is, episodes and in doing so will use all kinds of bandwidth and memory, and will accomplish nothing! It's a great plan! Sure, it's totally stupid, but it's still great!
Flak: By the way, I joined thisisnotacultism again! We're having a big event next week! It involves ritualistic suicide! I can't wait to tell everyone about it after it's done!
Everyone stares at Flak.
Flak: What? I think it would be a FASCINATING story. After that, I'm going to do a report on what it's like to be executed! I'm going to be a journalist in no time!
Adder: Hang on. I just realized something.
Sturm: What?
Adder: Remember back in Part 181 when you were singing that "Bingo" song? At one part you said B-I-B-G-O instead of B-I-N-G-O.
Sturm: I was just demonstrating my incompetence.
Adder: Ah.
Lord Seth: Hang on a minute! That was Olaf who was singing, not Sturm!
Sturm: (sobs) YOU FIGURED IT OUT!
Lord Seth: Huh?
Sturm removes his mask, revealing Olaf.
Olaf: I ADMIT IT! I ADMIT IT! I WAS STURM ALL ALONG! And I would've gotten away with it, too, if it hadn't been for Lord Seth needing to explain his typo!
-Green Earth-
Drake: I sense a disturbance in the force.
Eagle: Are you sure that that isn't just all the tacos you ate?
Drake: Well, I think that contributed to it.
-Blue Moon-
Colin: Where is Olaf?
Grit: I don't know. At times he just disappears with no explanation.
Colin: Aren't those the times Sturm is usually doing something?
Grit: Uh, how would you know that?
Colin: I spent some time in Black Hole.
Grit: When did you spend time in Black Hole?
Colin: Er, my school took a field trip there.
Grit: We're at war against them! How can your school have taken a field trip there?
Colin: Because we saw a field there.
Grit: I need a new line of work.
DOES HE NEED A NEW LINE OF WORK? DOES THIS LOOK BETTER WITH CAPITALS? does it look better without capitals? UH, LET'S GO WITH THE CAPITALS. OR MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST capitalize correctly like this. SHOULD WE? or should we stop this gag before it gets boring? Who knows? just TUNE in next TIME to advance Wars 2.875!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 186
Previously, we discovered that Sturm's identity was really Olaf. And the Orange Star COs saved the world from the diabolical plot of Black Hole.
-Orange Star-
Andy: Okay, we're back from the Internet. Now what?
Sami: Uh, a bunch of cities in Orange Star have held some kind of antiwar referendum.
Nell: We're not even at war now!
Sami: Well, it doesn't matter, because these were just cities we knew were against the nonexistent war anyway. All it does is confirm what we already know. So it was a COMPLETE waste of time on their part.
Andy: What's the point of protesting a war that doesn't exist? That sounds like a complete waste of time. If it's already a complete waste of time, and then it's even more of a complete waste of time, what does it become?
Sami: Still a waste of time. It's like a hole. No matter how much you dig, you still have a hole.
Andy: Could you explain that to me in a way I can understand it?
Sami: Only if you understand that I understand that you understand when I understand that you don't understand if I understand.
Andy: Ah, much better.
Nell: Okay then! Let's invade Black Hole!
Sami: Why?
Nell: Because then we can declare martial law and lock all of the antiwar people up!
Max: This scene will end badly.
A TV, which for some reason wasn't there before, is now on.
Newsperson: And in other news, a suspenseful plot twist has occurred! It seems that Sturm's real identity is...Omar!
Andy: Oh no! Not Omar!
Max: What did I say?
Nell: You said "This scene will end badly." and then "What did I say?" after that.
Max: No, it's a figure of speech that someone says when they were right about something they said.
Nell: Then why say it in that way? Why not just say "Ha! I was right in what I said!"
Max: Because that wouldn't be funny.
Nell: And this was?
Max: Good point.
-Yellow Comet-
Sonja: Have you heard the news?
Kanbei: Nope! We've decided to enter a period of isolation. There is no contact with the outside world! In fact, we're pretending that it doesn't exist! I've got it all planned out. We'll pay no attention to the outside world, until they make these really great ships or something. Then they'll come, and we'll be really shocked, and then will be forced to take on some of their Western traits.
Sonja: WESTERN? We're in the middle of the globe! They're to the East AND West!
Kanbei: Not paying any attention to what you said, we'll take on many traits! We'll start with cowboys! And outlaws! And everything else from those western movies! We'll need Jackie Chan for that. And then Captain Picard will appear and will try to undo this, because we structured our entire society on a movie that we saw that was from another planet!
Sonja: Uh, not pointing out all the other errors, you said we were structuring it after the other countries...
Kanbei: And then Picard will do things eerily similar to what Kirk did in the episode A Piece of the Action! Or was it A Piece Of The Action? I can never remember when to capitalize these things. Anyway, then the Voinians will come and conquer us all, and then the Wookies will rescue us. So, what do you think?
Sonja: I think that's a terrible plan.
Kanbei: That's what people said about Captain Crunch's assault on Pearl Harbor! But he proved them wrong!
Sonja: I need to find new relatives.
Sensei: Just do what I do! Forget who all of them are!
Grimm: Woohoo! I get a line in here! Better make it about eating. Eat food!
-Black Hole-
Von Bolt: So things are becoming chaos now that it's been revealed that Sturm was Olaf all along?
Hawke: Yes.
Von Bolt: There's only one thing to do!
Hawke: Find Olaf/Sturm and punish him?
Von Bolt: No! Increase Social Security taxes so old people, namely me, get more money!
Flak: I can't believe you stopped me from going to that ritualistic suicide! Now I'll never get an inside article on what it's like!
Adder: Wait, Flak's an idiot and we might be better off without him. Who did that?
Flak: Some guy named Omar.
Hawke: CURSE YOU, OMAR!
Who is Omar? Will Flak ever die? Will Kanbei's plan work? Are we all doomed? Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.875!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 187
Previously, people commented on the revelation that Olaf is Sturm. And now for more of that!
-Black Hole-
Von Bolt: Okay, so Sturm is Olaf. What do we need to do?
Hawke: Didn't you say previously that that didn't matter and you just wanted to increase Social Security taxes? Again?
Von Bolt: Oh, yeah. Heh, heh. Senility does that to you.
-Orange Star-
Andy: I've been trying to contact Yellow Comet, but they won't respond!
Nell: Only one thing to do! Invade them! Then they'll respond!
Sami: That is an incredibly stupid idea!
Nell: You're right! IT'S STUPID!
Nell breaks down and starts crying.
Max: Why am I the only one here who has a 3-letter name rather than a 4-letter name?
-Blue Moon-
Grit: Okay! Now that Olaf has been revealed to be Sturm, I declare myself head of the Blue Moon army! My first act is to shorten the work schedule by three hours!
Colin: It already is three hours!
Grit: Three hours?! Who set that like that?
Colin: Olaf.
Grit: Oh. Maybe he was trying to weaken us. Oh well, keep the schedule the same then.
Meanwhile...
Blue Moon Soldier: Hey! Grit is supposed to be laid-back and all! And he didn't give us any extra time off!
Blue Moon Soldier 2: That's because we only work three hours!
Blue Moon Soldier: Per day?
Blue Moon Soldier 2: Per week.
-Orange Star-
Hachi: Mwahaha! My newest, latest, and greatest scheme to gain money has just begun!
Employee: What? What is it?
Hachi: Increase redundancy! See? I just said "newest" and "latest"! That's redundant!
Employee: How will that make or gain us any money or cash?
Hachi: People will be talking so long with all their redundancy that they won't get anything done. So they'll all have to buy my Redundancy Fixer!
A great deal of money and cash made later...
Hachi: Mwahaha! Now I've gained a great deal of money!
Employee: What are you going to do with it?
Hachi: Nothing!
Employee: Huh?
Hachi: That Scrooge McDuck thinks he's so great, with three cubic acres of money! Ha! I'll get SIX cubic acres of money! That'll show him! Only five and a half cubic acres to go!
Employee: Uh, sir? Scrooge McDuck is a fictional character.
Hachi: Yeah, but HE doesn't know that!
Will Hachi get five and a half more cubic acres of money? Will he get 5.5 more cubic acres of money? Oh no! I'm starting and beginning to say redundant and superfluous things! I'd better go buy and purchase one of Hachi's machines to fix and repair this! Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.875! Phew, there wasn't a redundant or inessential word in the previous sentence!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 188
Previously, we had yet another part where people talked about their reaction to the fact that Olaf is Sturm and a bunch of stuff that had absolutely nothing to do with that. And now for more of that! Again!
Lord Seth: Darn it! I had a great idea for a plot twist here, but I forgot it!
Uh, I SAID for more of that.
Lord Seth: Yeah, I'm shocked Olaf is Sturm, blah blah blah. But I have this feeling I'm forgetting something...darn it! I can't remember! IT'S HOPELESS! I'll kill myself!
Lord Seth puts a gun next to his head.
Lord Seth: Kids, don't try this at home! Adults, don't try this at home either. Anyone else, don't try it anywhere. Because although it may be funny in a story, it's NOT in real life. If you're feeling suicidal, then...uh...I can't remember! I'll kill myself!
There is a pause. Then Lord Seth puts down the gun.
Lord Seth: Haha! Just kidding! Now for that plot twist...oh, darn it, I can't remember!
Lord Seth holds the gun up to his head again.
Lord Seth: This time I really will kill myself!
There is a pause, and Lord Seth puts the gun down.
Lord Seth: Haha! The gun isn't even loaded! I was just-
Some Random Guy comes up to Lord Seth, points a gun at him, and shoots him, killing him.
Some Random Guy: Just shut up already!
Wow! What a plot twist! So how will people deal with Lord Seth's dramatic passing?
-Orange Star-
A party is going on.
-Blue Moon-
A party is going on.
-Yellow Comet-
A party is going on.
-Black Hole-
A party is going on.
-Green Earth-
Who cares?
-Orange Star-
Andy: Wow! Why are we having this party again?
Nell: It turns out Olaf wasn't Sturm after all! It was an April Fool's prank!
Andy: It's May!
Nell: Better late than never!
Max: Wait, I thought the purpose of this party was because Lord Seth died.
Nell: He died?
Max: Uh, yeah.
Nell: Well, that's not bad, but it's not like we'd throw a party for that or anything. Everyone's just throwing a party to celebrate that thingy about Sturm and Olaf.
Meanwhile...
In a graveyard, on a grave where "Lord Seth" is written, a hand emerges from the soil. Then another hand. Then Lord Seth climbs out.
Lord Seth: Ha! I fooled you all! I fooled you! I fooled the characters! I even fooled my imaginary girlfriend! And...(looks to the right) What? Hey, don't take it like that! You're still my imaginary girlfriend and all. It was just a prank. Hey! Put that bazooka down!
Lord Seth quickly pulls out a phone and dials a number.
Lord Seth: Hello? Hi, my imaginary girlfriend is trying to kill me. Any suggestions? (pause) What? Since she's imaginary, I just need to imagine she wants to kiss me? No way! Ick! Gross! Who'd ever want to kiss someone? I'd rather die than do something like that! Or hugging! Or holding hands! Or anything else that's physical that people would associate with love, because it's all gross! Oh, I have to go, she's about to fire that bazooka and-
Lord Seth collapses and dies.
Lord Seth: Dang, my imaginary girlfriend kills me. This is worse than a soap opera!
How can Lord Seth say something if he dies? Heck, why is it so common that someone will say something after the line "they die"? Is it because it's said while they're dying? Will this become a dramatic plot twist? Will anyone ever care about Green Earth? Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.875, when we answer at least some of these questions!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 189
Previously, Lord Seth was killed. Yep, he's dead. Not like anyone cares, but he's dead.
-Blue Moon-
Olaf: So, what did you think of my April Fools prank?
Grit: It was done in May!
Olaf: Your point?
Grit: Oh, forget it.
Colin: So Lord Seth died!
Olaf: Didn't he already die?
Colin: No, that was a prank. His imaginary girlfriend killed him.
Olaf: Darn imaginary girlfriends! That's why I never bother with them. Just to be on the safe side, I don't bother with real girlfriends either!
Grit: Hang on. He's not even an official Advance Wars character! Why should we care about him?
Colin: Ignoring whatever it was you were saying, where is Sturm?
Olaf: Sturm?
Grit: Oh, Sturm. It turns out in the end he was just a figment of our collective imagination and never existed.
Colin: Oh.
Olaf: I never got an answer to my question.
Colin: But you asked it. That's the important thing.
Olaf: Good point!
Grit: Uh, Olaf? I was the one who asked the question.
Olaf: Uh-oh! My cover is blown!
Colin: Cover?
Olaf: I'm actually Grit!
Grit and Colin stare at Olaf.
Olaf: The conspiracy is all coming apart! NOOOOOO!
-Black Hole-
Von Bolt: All right! Now we all only need to conquer the world again! Suggestions?
There is a pause.
Von Bolt: Hang on, where is Flak?
Lash: Something horrible happened to him that was most likely a Star Wars Episode III rip-off. He was really badly destroyed and they had to refit him with all kinds of machinery.
Flak, who no longer looks like Flak, comes in.
Flak: Hi guys! My new name is Jugger!
Everyone: ...
Flak: Wait, that's not in character. I need to talk like a machine...01001000011011110111011100100000011010010111001100100000011101000110100001101001011100110011111100100000010010000110010101101000001011000010000001101110011011110010000001101111011011100110010100100000011101110110100101101100011011000010000001100010011011110111010001101000011001010111001000100000011001000110010101100011011011110110010001101001011011100110011100100000011101000110100001101001011100110010110000100000011100110110111100100000010010010010000001100011011000010110111000100000011100110110000101111001001000000110000101101110011110010111010001101000011010010110111001100111001000000100100100100000011101110110000101101110011101000010111000101110001011100100100100100000011011000110100101101011011001010010000001100001001000000111001101101000011011110111011100100000011110010110111101110101001000000110100001100001011101000110010100100001001000000100100001100001001000010010000001010100011010000110000101110100001001110110110001101100001000000111001101101000011011110111011100100000011101000110100001100101011011010010000100100000.
Von Bolt: Excellent! It's more like Dual Strike! Now we need to make Adder a crossdresser with gender issues, give him a wig, and then pass him off as Kindle.
Adder: Hey! I object to that! I can be a crossdresser with gender issues all by myself! I don't need help from you!
Sturm: I don't like where this conversation is going.
Von Bolt: Uh, Sturm? You don't exist. You're just a figment of our collective imagination.
Sturm: Uh...er...dang it, what movie or TV series can we spoof on here as I fade out of existence?
Jugger: Accessing memory...I suggest The Twilight Zone episode "Time Enough At Last" or the Wicked Witch of the West's melting moment from "The Wizard of Oz."
Von Bolt: No! To spoof that Twilight Zone episode, we need to take a guy who doesn't really have any faults but has a miserable existence, make it seem like his miserable existence is ending, and then screw his life over even more and make it even more miserable for no reason!
Sturm: I'll do both! (in a horrible attempt at overacting) IT'S NOT FAIR! WHAT A WORLD! IT'S NOT FAIR AT ALL! IT'S...oh, dang it, what else did the witch say?
Sturm disappears.
Von Bolt: Oh no! We will never know! We will be driven insane horribly! Well, only one thing to do!
Hawke: Stop acting like idiots?
Von Bolt: What? We can't stop what we haven't started.
Hawke: We're not acting like idiots? How so?
Von Bolt: No, we're acting like imbeciles. But since you insist...let's have a Return to Idiocy!
Are Sturm and Lord Seth gone for good? Is Flak now Jugger? Will Adder start having gender issues? Will that be a bit too much for something that was already rated PG because we used a semi-offensive word for a joke that wasn't even funny? Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.875!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 190
Previously, Flak became Jugger, the Black Hole COs acted like imbeciles, and absolutely nothing else interesting happened.
-Orange Star-
Andy: Okay, before we got distracted by all of that "Olaf is Sturm" and "Lord Seth was killed" stuff, what were we doing?
Max: Wasn't Yellow Comet entering some period of horrible isolation?
Sami: What's so "horrible" about a period of isolation?
Max: The fish.
-Green Earth-
Eagle: Aha! With Yellow Comet no longer doing anything, maybe we'll finally get more screen time!
Nope! Sorry!
Eagle: Darn it!
-Black Hole-
Von Bolt: Okay! Jugger here has been computing the best plan for taking over the planet-
Jugger: Jugger spend too much time working on these things. Jugger want to have fun!
Von Bolt: You're a machine! You can't have fun! And you're not even saying that correctly! Lash! Get his grammar...thingy...working better!
Hawke: Where's Adder?
Von Bolt: He became obsessed with grammar, so I sent him to the Room of Grammer Mistakes. Some people might claim that what I'm doing with Adder and Jugger is a contradiction, but you know what? I can't remember where I was going with this sentence!
Hawke: Um, "grammar" isn't spelled correctly in the name.
Von Bolt: No, no. It's part of the NAME so it's fine. I mean, technically "Hawke" isn't a word, but because it's a name it can be used. But it's incorrect in all other contexts!
Lash: Hawke or grammer?
Von Bolt: Both!
Meanwhile, in the Room of Grammer Mistakes...
Voice: Alot of ppl shuld off tryed 2 right there words leik u doo w/you're wurds. Your listening 2 sum stuf dat iz mispeled.
Adder: It's torture! And this room would be more accurately named "The Room of Spelling Mistakes!"
Voice: No itt wouldnt. "Rom off Speling Mistaks" wuld fited et beter.
Adder: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Back with the Black Hole COs...
Von Bolt: Just a day or so of that and he should be cured of his recent grammar obsession!
Lash: We never miss a chance to point out grammar mistakes, do we?
Von Bolt: No we don't. No we don't.
-Blue Moon-
Olaf: Okay! I know what we should do!
Grit: Something other than invading?
Olaf: Aw...come on, I like invading!
-Black Hole-
Von Bolt: Okay, so is our plan ready?
Adder: High evry1! Eye jsut gott bak fram da rom off gramer mistaks!
There is a pause.
Von Bolt: SEND HIM TO THE ROOM OF GRAMMER CORRECTIONS!
Hawke: If it's corrections, shouldn't grammar be spelled correctly?
Von Bolt: Good point. SEND HIM TO THE NEWLY RENAMED ROOM OF GRAMMAR CORRECTIONS!
Adder: O noes!
Will Black Hole's plan, whatever it is, succeed? Will Adder enter a vicious cycle of being obsessed with grammar, being send to the Room of Grammer Mistakes, then being so bad with spelling that he's sent to the Newly Renamed Room of Grammar Corrections, but then becomes so obsessed that he goes to the Room of Grammer Misakes again? Will we ever stop pointing out various grammar and/or spelling mistakes? Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.875!
Read on!