Parts 161 to 170
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 161
Due to technical difficulties, we have lost everything that previously happened, and since we have the memory of about a minute, we have absolutely no idea what has happened. Sorry. You know how technical difficulties are.
-Orange Star-
Andy: So why do these people want to burn all the copies of the book Huckleberry Potter and the Rolling Thunder of the Catcher in the Chocolate War Code?
Sami: Well, some have good reasons. Some don't like it because it gives them horrible paper cuts. Some don't like it because the print is really small. Some don't like it because they think the title is too long.
Max runs through the room holding a torch.
Max: BURN THE BOOK! IT'S A WITCH!
Sami: ...but mostly it's because they're really stupid.
Max's torch accidentally lights the room on fire. The COs manage to get out, but not before suffering horrible painful burns. But Max's torch is made of everlasting fire, so it ends up burning half of Orange Star.
Nell: Why would you buy an everlasting torch?! It's so obviously dangerous!
Max: But it was on sale! Only eight billion credits!
Nell: EIGHT BILLION CREDITS?!
Max: Well, if you add up the price of the number of normal torches you'd use in ten thousand years, you're getting a bargain!
Nell: Where did you get eight billion credits?
Max: From the Orange Star place where the government keeps its money!
Nell: We don't even have eight billion credits!
Max: Uh-oh. I kinda put up the whole government as collateral.
Nell: Who did you buy it from anyway?!
Max: Some guy named Hachi.
Nell: I should've known.
Fire spontaneously erupts and the COs get even more horrible painful burns.
-Green Earth-
Eagle, Jess, and Drake are playing a game of Crazy Eights.
Eagle: Got any threes?
Drake: Go fish.
Jess: I think you're getting the games mixed up.
Eagle: Oh, good point. Okay. Give me another card so I can get closer to a total of 21 on the cards!
Drake: The correct phrase is "hit me".
Eagle: Oh. Hit me.
Drake hits Eagle.
Eagle: I really should've seen that coming.
Jess: You're still getting the games mixed up!
8 of Hearts: Yeah! We're fed up with it! We eights are crazy, so we're taking over!
Eagle: Uh-oh.
The eights from every single card deck on Green Earth rush through the room, swamping the COs, and even worse, giving them horrible painful paper cuts.
-Blue Moon-
Olaf: Why does it seem today is a strange day?
Grit: We're locked in a gas station with evil trucks that think for themselves outside!
Olaf: Wait. Trucks that think for themselves?
Colin: They all came alive or something and took over. And then they kill anyone who runs out of here.
Olaf: Really?
Colin: Really.
Olaf: Darn it!
Blah blah blah, or yadda yadda yadda, take your pick, the trucks somehow communicate to the COs that they want to be refilled with fuel.
Grit: Hey, let's refuse! Then they'll all die!
The trucks realize the COs aren't going to help them and burst through the doors, tramping the COs and making them die instead.
Grit: Or not.
But by a pure miracle, they don't actually die, even though they did.
Olaf: "Let's make more environmentally friendly cars", you said. "Let's make it so they take up less gas", you said. "Let's let them think for themselves, you said."
Grit: I never said that last part. And the closing quotation mark should've been before the "you said".
Olaf: The point still stands.
Colin: Okay, I nominate myself to go out and refill the trucks!
Olaf: Sure!
Grit: Why not?
Colin: Uh...yeah.
So Colin goes out and refills all of the trucks, which is a lot of trucks, and gets horrible painful blisters on his hands.
-Yellow Comet-
Kanbei: Hey, everyone else is getting horrible painful things! Kanbei demands that Yellow Comet not be excluded!
Lord Seth: Okay!
Sonja, along with half of Yellow Comet's population spontaneously develops horrible painful boils all over their bodies. Except Sonja's are the most horrible and the most painful.
Sonja: I hate my life.
-Black Hole-
Sturm: Hey, all of the rest of Wars World is in chaos! Do you know what that means?
Hawke: Conquer it?
Sturm: Well, I was thinking more on the lines of laughing evilly at their misery, but that works too!
What will happen to Orange Star? Will Blue Moon survive its truck problem? Will Yellow Comet get over its boil problem? Will Black Hole conquer Wars World? Will...uh...what was the last country again? Ah well. Will that last country survive whatever problem it has? Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.875!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 162
Previously, horrible painful calamities struck all of Wars World, except for Black Hole.
-Black Hole-
Flak: Why didn't the horrible painful calamities harm us?
Sturm: Maybe Lord Seth likes us?
There is a pause. Then everyone laughs at the absurdity of Sturm's statement.
Hawke: Okay! Let's conquer Wars World!
Black Hole tries to conquer Wars World, but ends up making all of the eights in its card decks to go crazy and give everyone horrible painful paper cuts. This also makes Black Hole's trucks and tanks and other stuff on wheels come alive and give people horrible painful blisters as they are forced to give the trucks gas. The book burning mania craze spreads to Black Hole due to their invasion, so everyone there gets horrible painful burns. But they don't get horrible painful boils from Yellow Comet because no one cares about Yellow Comet anyway.
Adder: Okay, that plan didn't work.
Lash: Don't worry! I've made a cure for all of them!
Sturm: Have you tested it yet?
Lash: No.
Sturm: Have you based it on actual scientific research?
Lash: No.
Sturm: Did you just take a bunch of random stuff and put it together?
Lash: Yes.
Sturm: All right! Try it out!
So Lash puts the mixture she made in the water, and everyone on Wars World drinks it. This cures all the problems.
Sturm: I thought it was only supposed to cure Black Hole!
Lash: Oops.
It also has the effect of making everyone really, really peaceful. But then it makes everyone act really goofy and stupid. Then the people responsible for that (well, not the people actually responsible, that is, not Lash or Black Hole, but the people responsible, even though they aren't) for whatever stupid reason decide to kill themselves or some junk rather than, I don't know, trying to clean up the mess they caused. Stupid, huh? Oh, yeah, and then corn grows all around the place and everyone turns into kids and worships the corn. Next a new sporting event, The Long Run, starts, where 100 people all have to run, and whoever stops running is horribly tortured in horrible painful ways forever. Then an evil clown appears-
Lord Seth: Okay, okay, that's enough Stephen King rip-offs.
-but then we have another technical difficulty, restarting everything, so it doesn't really matter at all.
Does it really matter at all? Have we actually restarted everything? What is with with Lord Seth and rip-offs? And what is with with Lord Seth and writing an extra "with"? Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.875!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 163
Previously, we had yet another technical difficulty, and lost a bunch of stuff. Let's join our COs right when Black Hole was plotting to take over Wars World...
-Black Hole-
Sturm: Okay, which country do we attack first? Orange Star, which is suffering from horribly painful burns, Blue Moon, which is suffering from horribly painful blisters, Green Earth, which is suffering from horribly painful paper cuts, or Yellow Comet, which is suffering from horribly painful boils?
Adder: I thought it was "horrible painful", not "horribly painful".
Sturm: Isn't "horribly painful" more grammatically correct?
Hawke: "Horrible painful" would work better if it were switched to "horrible, painful" or "horrible and painful". "Horrible painful" just sounds weird, but I'm not sure if it's an actual mistake. Who do we know who's obsessed about the English language?
There is a pause.
Everyone: Lord Seth.
A great deal of searching for Lord Seth later...
Sturm: Darn it! Lord Seth's always around when you don't want him, but when you actually want to find him, he's nowhere to be found!
-Blue Moon-
Colin: Aw man! These horribly painful blisters are horrible and painful!
Olaf: I said we should've made gas guzzlers. But NOOOOO, you had to try to save the environment. Bah. What did the environment ever do for us?
Grit: Kept us alive?
Olaf: Good point.
Colin: I think I read this in a book or something. It had a story just like this.
Grit: How did they defeat the evil trucks?
Colin: They didn't. They kinda gave up and got horribly painful blisters refilling them.
Grit: That's not useful.
Olaf: Oh, I remember! I saw a movie that was just like this!
Grit: What happened in that?
Olaf: I don't know. It was so bad and boring that I only watched about half an hour.
Grit: Guys?
Olaf and Colin: What?
Grit: If we live through this, remind me to tell Lord Seth that if he's going to do a parody of something, make sure that we know enough about it to know how to defeat whatever enemies there are.
Lord Seth: Okay! A parody you know enough about, coming right up!
Later...
Long, long ago, in a galaxy somewhere...
Lord Seth: Oh, I get it! It's a joke! It says it occurs earlier, but it's after a "later"!
Shut up! Um, anyway...
Grit (voice-over): Space...the final frontier. These are the...wait, I think we're getting things mixed up.
Lord Seth: You're right. I'm getting Star Trek and Star Wars mixed up.
Grit: Well, stop it!
Lord Seth: I'm just trying to make a parody of something that you'd know about. But I suppose you don't want me to. So let's go back to the horribly painful blisters.
Back to the horribly painful blisters...
Olaf: Grit?
Grit: Yes?
Olaf: You're an idiot.
Is Grit an idiot? How will Blue Moon survive this assault of the evil trucks and stuff? Are these incredibly dumb questions? Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.875!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 164
Previously, nothing really happened. Well, stuff happened, but nothing that needs mentioning.
-Green Earth-
Eagle: You know, those horribly painful paper cuts are-
Jess: -horrible and painful. We know. That joke has been overused.
Drake: I sure hope we don't get arrested by the Running Gag police!
Eagle: They actually arrested themselves. Apparently they were an overused running gag.
Jess: We need to take the fight to the Crazy Eights! So I say we BURN THEM TO DEATH!
Eagle: But where are we going to get enough fire to burn all of them?
-Orange Star-
Nell: That stupid everlasting fire is STILL burning everyplace in Orange Star?
Max: Don't forget that Hachi took control of the government.
Nell: Why do I leave you alive?
Max: Hachi took control of Orange Star, so as you're no longer a government figure, you don't have authority to kill anyone who annoys you.
Nell: You never realize what you have until it's gone.
Max: Oh, I did some research. It turns out it wasn't even everlasting fire in the first place. I got ripped off!
Nell: I hate you.
Max: All we need to do is have it burn through enough stuff and it'll disappear. But where are we going to get enough stuff to burn in a fire?
Lord Seth: Hey, everyone! Now this technique of writing, where there are two groups or two people or two parties or two of SOMETHING or two of something else who each have a problem but could help solve each other's problems with their own problem is called...uh...um...actually, I have absolutely no idea. But sometimes you can pull off a gag or two with it.
Everyone stares at Lord Seth.
Lord Seth: And sometimes you can't.
Andy: I have bad news!
Nell: What?
Andy: Since we're on the same continent as Blue Moon, we...uh...wait, what's a continent again?
Max conks Andy on the head. Andy collapses.
Nell: How did that help anything?
Max: I was kinda hoping that hitting him on the head would help him out. You know, kinda like a TV that isn't working right. You hit it and it hopefully works. Or, alternatively, you completely break it and need to get a new one.
Nell: So what was he going to say?
Suddenly, a really large amount of trucks all burst in and trample the COs.
Nell: Max?
Max: What?
Nell: I hate you.
Max: Aw, that's so sweet. I hate you too.
-Yellow Comet-
Something happens in Yellow Comet.
Kanbei: Why does it seem that we're only added in as an afterthought?
Sensei: You can only have so many "Sonja gets hurt" jokes until it gets old and stops being funny.
Sonja walks in and spontaneously catches on fire. After getting horribly painful burns, the fire goes out. Unfortunately, she is then stung by several thousand bees and gets horribly painful stings. An anvil falls on her and she gets horribly painful...well, something. Then a bunch of books with really sharp edges hit her and she gets horribly painful paper cuts. After all this, she's rushed to the hospital where the doctors manage to stop her from being killed by all this, but she gets horribly painful itches as a side effect. Then she gets arrested by the now-released Running Gag police for overusing this running gag and is put up in a really, really small cell that's somehow horribly painful.
Sensei: ...but it seems like we haven't reached that point yet. It's still funny.
Is Sensei's statement correct? Was that just a slightly more creative way of saying "have we reached that point yet?"? Was it correct to have a question mark in the quotation marks and out of the quotation marks? Are we REALLY running out of ideas for questions? As always, tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.875!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 165
Previously, the trucks started to take over Orange Star as well.
-Blue Moon-
Grit: Well, we're still stuck in this place, surrounded by trucks, and are getting horribly painful blisters from having to refuel them.
Olaf: I have a GREAT idea! Let's make a movie based on this! We could call it "Minimum Underdrive" or something like that!
Colin: You know, this is oddly like an episode of The Twilight Zone.
Grit: How so?
Colin: Well, something weird happened, and then we have about fifteen minutes of filler, and then the climax occurs. Also, given that the human race is either entirely or nearly destroyed in at least five episodes, things don't make sense. How can that happen MULTIPLE times? And more importantly, how can that happen multiple times and then you'll still have these futuristic episodes when the human race WASN'T destroyed? And furthermore-
Grit: You should've just stuck with the "fifteen minutes of filler" joke while you were ahead.
Colin: Yeah! Remember that episode we saw? You know, where almost the entire episode was just filler, and we saw the ending coming after maybe only ten minutes? And then there was that really boring episode when the only point was the ending, and then they had all that filler stuff? Seriously, it would've been better if in some episodes they had two quarter-hour episodes in the half-hour episode. Just like some cartoons. And furthermore-
Grit: We don't need a rant about The Twilight Zone! What we DO need is a way to get out of this mess!
Olaf: Ooh! I know! How about we figure out a way out of this mess?
There is a pause.
Grit: You know, if I wasn't the calm, tranquil guy I was, I might have just knocked you out.
Colin knocks Olaf out.
Colin: Woohoo! I love loopholes!
Grit: I thought you were a really big admirer of him.
Colin: Oh. Whoops!
Colin un-knocks Olaf out.
Grit: Well, I'm sure it can't take too long for us to figure out a way out of this mess.
A Substantial Yet Unknown Amount Of Time Later...
Olaf: How about we get lost and end up in a town where everyone seems to be a dead person who was into rock-and-roll?
Grit: No.
Olaf: We go to a town where it rains toads, and the toads all eat us?
Grit: No.
Olaf: Zombies come to life in a story that doesn't really make much sense, seems pointless, and is overly drawn out?
Grit: Actually, all we need is the zombies part to make THAT work. And, no.
Olaf: We-
Grit: Is this going to be another Stephen King rip-off? Because I thought we were done with those.
Olaf: No, it wasn't a Stephen King rip-off. Don't be silly.
Grit: Okay, then go.
Olaf: Well all acquire the ability to acquire the DNA of animals and turn into them?
Grit: That IS a rip-off!
Olaf: But not a Stephen King rip-off!
Grit sighs.
Colin: I have an idea!
Grit: What?
Colin: We rent the movie where the trucks took over and see how they got rid of the trucks!
Grit: But how? The trucks will kill us if we try to go to the video store.
Colin: Don't worry. There's never a plot hole too big for Lord Seth.
Olaf: I want zombies! I want zombies!
Grit: We need someone new to be with us.
Colin: Why?
Grit: Because it's out of character for either of us to knock him out, and I really need him to be knocked out!
Olaf knocks himself out.
Grit: Oh. I forgot about Olaf himself.
Will there be more rip-offs? Will this plan succeed? Do they need more characters? Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.875!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 166
Lord Seth: Previously, the Blue Moon COs decided to go to the video station and rent a video of a movie that had a striking similarity to their current predicament. The idea was that they would take however the characters defeated the trucks and do it themselves. That is, if they did that in the movie. I don't know. I never saw it.
-Blue Moon-
Grit: Okay, we've got the video.
Olaf: How did we get here anyway?
Colin: Don't question plot holes in our favor.
So the COs check it out, and then through another plot hole are back in the gas station.
Grit: Time to watch the movie!
Colin: Uh-oh. We seem to have a problem.
Grit: What?
Colin: We don't have a VCR.
Grit: Oh. Guess we'll go get one.
After another plot hole...
Grit: Okay, now let's watch it.
They put the tape into the VCR and press Play. The "Star Wars" intro music starts playing.
Colin: Darn it! We got the wrong movie!
Olaf: Oh well. At least we can enjoy it.
Grit: It's Episode II.
Olaf: Darn it!
Grit: Okay, let's go get the actual video.
Yet another plot hole later...
Olaf: Okay, NOW let's watch this.
Again, they press Play. The "Star Wars" intro music starts playing again.
Olaf: Oh well. At least it's Episode I this time.
Grit: Uh...Olaf?
Olaf: Yes?
Grit: This is the Special Edition.
Olaf: Special Edition?
Colin: They cut out all the scenes without Jar Jar Binks.
Grit: NOOOOOOOO!
Colin: NOOOOOOO!
Olaf: All right! Woohoo! Jar Jar Binks rules!
Grit and Colin stare at Olaf.
Olaf: What?
-Orange Star-
Suddenly, for no good reason, a bunch of robots that can turn into trucks/cars land in Orange Star. Fortunately, they're not evil like the trucks.
Lord Seth: (singing incredibly badly) Transformers, robots in disguise! Bum bum bum! Transformers, change before your eyes! Bum bum bum!
The robots get so tired of Lord Seth's bad singing that they all go away. Lord Seth then goes on to sing (equally badly) the "You Can't Do That On Television" theme song.
How can someone sing a theme song that doesn't even have any words? I mean, sure, I could understand hum or whistle or something, but sing? Then again, this is Lord Seth we're talking about. Let's see, now I need a question that relates to the story line. Oh, I know! What will be the outcome of this truck battle? Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.875!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 167
Previously, the Blue Moon CO's plan to stop the trucks by seieng how they were stopped in the movie fell flat when they accidentally rented the wrong movie. Twice.
-Blue Moon-
Grit: Okay, now I'm just plain getting annoyed.
Colin: How so?
Grit: We're still stuck with all these stupid trucks! And we don't know how to get rid of them because we kept checking out the wrong movie!
Olaf: Which movie were we trying to get?
Grit: The one with the evil trucks that take over the world!
Olaf: Oh, that movie? I could've told you about that. I actually checked it out a few months ago. I've been meaning to return it.
Grit: You have it?!
Olaf: Yep! Right with me!
Grit: Then let us see it!
Olaf: Okay!
Olaf pulls out a DVD.
Colin: A DVD version?
Olaf: Oh well. We'll just put it in the video player.
Olaf tries to stuff the DVD into a VHS slot.
Olaf: Darn it! It isn't working!
Grit: That's because that VCR doesn't support DVDs! Only videos!
Colin: Don't worry! I'll get one from the back!
Colin leaves, then comes back with a VCR/DVD player. He puts the DVD in and presses play. There is a pause.
Grit: Um, I think we need a TV so we can see it.
Colin: Details, details.
Colin plugs it into a TV and presses play again. The movie starts playing, then suddenly freezes.
Olaf: Did someone press pause?
Grit: No. I think the DVD has become "stuck" like they sometimes do. If the DVD player or the DVD is dirty, this can happen.
Olaf: That's why DVDs aren't any good! You never get that with VIDEOS! THEY never slow down like this!
Colin: Will this "evil truck" storyline ever end?
Just then, the trucks all spontaneously blow up.
Colin: I guess so.
Grit: Finally! The nightmare is over!
Olaf: Um, not quite.
Grit: How so?
Olaf: This gas station is in the middle of nowhere. A desert, to be precise.
Grit: Your point?
Olaf: We don't have a ride. So how are we going to get home?
Grit: Uh...well...how far is it until we get somewhere?
Olaf: A few trillion miles.
Grit: That's more miles than there are on the planet!
Olaf: Yeah, but we're stuck in a loop with an alternate dimension. Or something like that.
Grit: Oh, let's just start walking. I'm sure we'll get SOMEWHERE.
An insane amount of zany adventures later...
Grit: Finally! We're somewhere!
Colin: Actually, I think we came back to where we were in the first place.
Grit: So it looks like we're stuck here. What's next?
A very large number of black tanks all roll up to them. Adder emerges from one.
Adder: Ha! Prepare to be captured!
Grit: Woohoo!
Olaf: All right!
Colin: Excellent!
Adder: Um, being captured isn't a good thing.
Grit: But it means we'll finally get away from here.
Adder: Hey, good point! Leaving you here could be a better punishment! So let's-
All of the tanks suddenly throw all of the soldiers out, then point their weapons at them.
Colin: Oh, great. Here we go again!
All of the tanks spontaneously burst into flames and blow up.
Grit: Now it looks like we're all stuck here together.
Adder: Well, we're in the desert. Now I can finally get to work on my tan!
Everyone stares at Adder.
Adder: What?
What? What what? What what what? What what what what? Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.875!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 168
Previously, Adder and a bunch of Black Hole soldiers got stuck in the middle of a desert with Grit, Olaf, and Colin.
-Black Hole-
Sturm: Where IS Adder? He's never late!
Hawke: Late for what? There isn't a meeting going on or anything.
Sturm: Well, he's late for whatever he's late for!
Lash: Who wants to see my latest invention?
Sturm: Woohoo! Invention time! Me likey inventions! And correct grammar!
Lash: I call it...THE INTERDIMENSIONAL DOORWAY THINGY!
Sturm: You call it that?
Lash: Actually, Flak named it.
Hawke: FLAK thought up the word "interdimensional"?!
Lash: Well, after he tried out oogaboogaland and helpmeI'mstuckinabox.
Hawke: How will this help us in our never ending quest to take over the planet?
Lash: Wait, what? I just did this one for fun.
Hawke: And why would you waste time and resources just to make an invention that doesn't help us out?
Lash: I'll show you! I bet it will help!
Lash presses a button.
Lash: Ha! We'll see who's laughing in a minute!
One minute later...
Sturm: Mwahahahahahahahaha!
Hawke: Nothing's happened. Why are you laughing?
Sturm: Oh, I need a reason for everything?
Meanwhile...
Lord Seth: Time for a little rant here. Once someone said I shouldn't be in this story, as I'm not an Advance Wars character. Sheesh. Okay, in that case, you can NEVER use ANYONE who didn't appear in the game. Ever! Pretend COs or countries you thought up? Not in the game, so you can't use them! And by the way, vote for me in the 2006 U.S. Presidential Election! And I don't care if that's not a real election!
-Orange Star-
Nell: Okay! Now to press this button for absolutely no reason!
Nell presses a button. An anvil almost lands on her.
Nell: The button makes anvils fall on you?!
Anvils, knives, boulders, and copies of "War and Peace" all start falling, narrowly missing Nell. Well, a few did hit her.
Nell: AAAAAAAHHHH!
Nell runs off screaming as cannonballs start to fall where she was.
-Yellow Comet-
Sonja: Why am I on this bad luck streak?
Sonja walks along. Anvils, boulders, knives, and copies of "War and Peace" keep falling from the sky, narrowly missing her.
Sonja: WHY AM I SO UNLUCKY?!
Sonja, who's so deep in her thoughts that she's not looking where she's going, falls off a cliff, but her fall is stopped by a trampoline that randomly appeared.
Sonja: Okay...that was strange...
Sonja notices a lottery ticket on the ground next to a television set.
Guy On Television: And the winning lottery ticket in the Yellow Comet lottery is 4-3-1-6-38-48-12-11-45-7-27! We remind you that you must have that EXACT number or you don't get anything!
Sonja picks up the ticket and looks at it.
Sonja: 4-3-1-6-38-48-12-11-45-7-26? Darn it, so close!
Guy On Television: Whoops! The last number is actually 27!
Sonja: I just won the Yellow Comet lottery? But the odds of that are so low...
Guy On Television: Anyone who is lucky enough to win must be very...uh, lucky, given that no one's ever won this before, making the jackpot $1,000,000,000!
Sonja: Why does it seem like I suddenly got incredibly lucky through some kind of unholy luck transfer?
Is the luck transfer in question actually unholy? Will we start up any new story lines from the stuff that's been happening? Why do we never show Green Earth? Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.875!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 169
Previously, Sonja got Nell's luck through some kind of unholy plot twist, Lash made an interdimensional doorway, and Lord Seth gave a brief rant.
-Green Earth-
Jess: Hey, Drake, I just had a great idea! How about we-
Okay, enough time for Green Earth. Let's check out somewhere else...
-Blue Moon-
Adder: This is boring!
Olaf: I'll say! The ONLY interesting thing was seeing all those soldiers eat each other! And that was really gross and disgusting and stuff.
Grit: What? They didn't eat each other!
Olaf: Oh?
Grit: A weird horrible monster popped up and ate them all. But it left us alone because then it was full or something.
Olaf: Oh, right!
Meanwhile...
Lord Seth: Lord Seth here again. Yes, Advance Wars: Dual Strike is out. Yes, I finally got it. No, I'm not going to adapt this story to this game...much. Too many COs. And why ruin the formula? Yeah. Just in case you were wondering. Back to the story!
-Black Hole-
Sturm: This interdimensional doorway must have been one of the dumbest of all your ideas, Lash!
Lash: I think it was supposed to start one of those "alternate dimension" storylines but as usual it ended up going nowhere.
Sturm: Curse you!
Lash: Me?
Sturm: No, the generic you. The kind used in reports and stuff. As if someone were to say "If you did this then this would happen" in a report, that's the generic you.
-Yellow Comet-
Sonja: Wow! My luck has finally improved! I'd wonder how it happened, but I'm too busy enjoying all this stuff I won in all these contests I didn't even enter!
-Black Hole-
Sturm: So where is Adder?
Flak: In The Twilight Zone?
Everyone stares at Flak.
Flak: What? It's a definite possibility!
Sturm: It can't be a possibility because the show was canceled!
Flak: That's what you think.
-Blue Moon-
Olaf: I'm still bored!
Some tall aliens with large heads come.
Alien: We are the whatchamacallits, and we're here to give you all kinds of cool stuff, and then trick you into coming to our planet and eating you!
Grit: What?
Alien: Uh, forget that last part. Anyway, we whatchamacallits will eliminate all war, hunger, and all that other bad stuff from the world in exchange for eating you!
Grit: What?
Alien: Uh, I mean in exchange for nothing! Yep!
A great deal of filler later...
Olaf: Well, that was surprising. They were planning to eat us all!
Grit: Yep! Good thing we managed to defeat them all through a deus ex machina!
Colin: And eat them all! Yum! Whatchamacallits taste excellent!
Olaf: Yeah, delicious! But I can't believe they were planning to eat us all! How utterly barbaric.
Grit: Wait, you guys ATE them?
Olaf: Why not? Cannibalism is superior to murder, as it's less wasteful.
Grit: But they weren't human.
Olaf: It's still less wasteful.
Grit: Let's pretend this never happened, okay? Hey, where's Adder?
Meanwhile, somewhere else...
Random Person: So you want to play a game of pool against me?
Adder: No.
Random Person: Darn it! I came to the wrong place!
Where is the right place? Was that another Twilight Zone rip-off? Does the question I'm currently asking have a point? Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.875!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 170
Previously, the Blue Moon COs and Adder got out of that problem they were in.
-Black Hole-
Hawke: Well, somehow we captured Sonja and are currently holding her on trial.
Judge: How do you plead to the accusation that you are accused with?
Sonja: I-
Judge: SHE IS GUILTY AND SENTENCED TO DEATH!
Guards drag Sonja out.
Sturm: I thought we got rid of the death penalty.
Hawke: I reinstated it.
Sturm: Why? Isn't the death penalty, you know, bad? What if someone is innocent and they get killed?
Flak: Sturm, Sturm, Sturm. You know the justice system is always perfect and flawless.
Hawke: Not to mention it doesn't matter to us, because we're evil and all.
Sturm: Good point! And it saves us money, because we don't have to pay money to house them!
Lash: Actually, contrary to what some people think, it actually can cost MORE to kill someone than to execute them. After all, if someone's sentenced to death, they have to carefully go over all the facts of the case, which costs money. Don't forget that they have to keep the person in prison for quite a while while they do so, so they have to pay upkeep for that anyway! And the execution itself costs money! Unless someone is in prison for several decades, it's actually CHEAPER to not give them the death penalty. I mean, any amount of money is obviously worth a human life, but the point remains it is sometimes cheaper to NOT give them the death penalty.
Sturm: Good point. But we don't have to worry about that!
Flak: We don't?
Sturm: Of course not! We kill people who are given the death penalty a few days after they're sentenced to death! We don't bother looking over the facts of the case or anything. It's much cheaper that way. So we save a significant amount of money by killing them off rather than spending money housing them or double-checking things. After all, who cares if you kill someone off as long as you save money by doing so?
Flak: Pure brilliance! I wonder why other countries don't do that. I mean, they want to save money too, right?
Sturm: Pfft. They have these dumb ideas about "right and wrong."
Meanwhile...
Sonja: Darn it! And I was having such a great run of good luck, too! And why does this whole sequence seem rather familiar? Ah well. I suppose that-
The bars of the cell suddenly spontaneously burst into flames and disappear. Yes, this is possible. Just extremely improbable.
Sonja: Wow. That was sure lucky.
Sonja exits the cell. In an adventure that is too exciting to bother to give, she frees everyone else, which includes some soldiers from Orange Star/Yellow Comet/Green Earth/Blue Moon.
Later...
Sturm: Darn it! She escaped, as did all our other prisoners! Well, I guess the moral here is that you should kill people quicker.
Hawke: I've got some decent news, though. We did capture Nell.
Sturm: How?
Hawke: Uh, she just suddenly appeared in Black Hole. The odds are so low for her to spontaneously teleport here means she must have been really, REALLY unlucky for that to happen.
Flak: I've got a great idea!
Sturm: What?
Flak: How about we don't bother with trials or prisons or anything? Let's just rule them guilty or not guilty without a trial, and then if they're guilty, kill them immediately? It saves us money AND trouble! And our justice system is perfect anyway, meaning that only guilty people are proclaimed guilty, so why bother with a trial?
Sturm: Flak, if not for the fact you're usually an idiot, I'd give you a promotion for that idea.
Flak: Aw, thanks.
Will Sonja's run of good luck last? Will we ever start with the characters acting...well...in character? Does that even matter? Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.875!
Read on!