Parts 151 to 160
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 151
(a.k.a. A Bad Setup)
Weird Figure: Phew! Sending them on such a long quest is a stroke of genius! It'll take them forever to finish and I'll finally be alone to watch-
DM: We're back!
Weird Figure: Crud.
DM: What?
Weird Figure: I'm so happy you're back already!
DM: It sounded like you said "crud".
Weird Figure: Well, I didn't!
Max puts sunglasses on Weird Figure.
Max: Wow! When you're wearing those sunglasses, you look just like you wearing those sunglasses!
Everyone stares at Max. Weird Figure takes off the sunglasses.
Max: Just going for some randomness.
Grit: Whatever happened to that merchant guy?
Weird Figure: He was supposed to be Hachi or something, and then would join the group and be like Thief from 8-Bit Theater, but Lord Seth opted to not go with that.
DM: All right! Now what about the item of great power you told us about?
Weird Figure: Uh, sorry about that. Someone sold it on eBay. Guess you can't have it.
DM: Fine, then just tell us where the people we're looking for are so we can rescue them and this stupid thing will end!
Max: No! We must unnecessarily prolong the story with something else!
Weird Figure: Argh! You guys are so annoying! I'll just revert everything so I don't have to deal with you again.
Grit: This should prove to be an anticlimactic ending.
Weird Figure: Heck, I'll make it so none of this ever happened, so I won't have to remember you guys!
E. Gadd: We're THAT annoying?
Weird Figure: Yes!
E. Gadd: I guess that's what comes from failing your Save vs. Annoyance checks.
Weird Figure: For the sake of my sanity, I've got to do this now!
Weird Figure waves his arms and...nothing happens.
Weird Figure: Oh, wait, wrong motion.
Weird Figure chants some random stuff and waves his arms and everyone forgets everything about this adventure and everything went back to normal, as if it never happened, proving once again that Lord Seth is lazy and not a good writer.
Lord Seth: Hey! I take offense at that!
Shut up. Meanwhile, in Blue Moon...
Grit: Why does it seem like reality itself was suddenly altered?
And there you have it. The pointless ending to a pointless story.
Lord Seth: And tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.875!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 152
Previously, there was some kind of war or something. I think it was fairly advanced, too.
-Blue Moon-
Grit: Bad news, Olaf! It seems Black Hole has prepared for every possible contingency!
Olaf: Even me getting really hungry and eating all their troops?
Grit: Yes!
Olaf: Well, can I eat you instead?
Grit: No!
Olaf: Why?
Grit: Um...because cannibalism is morally reprehensible in most human societies?
Olaf: Not a good enough reason.
Grit: I'm too skinny. I don't have any meat on me.
Olaf: Well, in that case, I should eat the meatiest CO...Max! (pause) Or is it Flak?
Grit: Why don't you just do what everyone else does: Eat meat from animals that are bred for the sole purpose of being slaughtered and are pumped full of all kinds of artificial chemicals to make them taste better?
Olaf: I'd rather stick with cannibalism, thanks.
Grit sighs.
Olaf: Where's Colin?
Grit: You're not thinking about eating him, are you?
Olaf: Who do you think I am, a reprehensible human being who practices cannibalism?
Grit: No, I think you're an incompetent moron.
Olaf: Exactly! You didn't think I meant all that stuff about cannibalism, did you?
Grit: No, that was just the moron in you talking.
Olaf: No! I was being serious!
Grit: Now it's just the incompetence in you talking.
Olaf: Ooga booga booga!
Grit: And now it's the moron AND incompetence in you talking simultaneously.
-Black Hole-
Sturm: Mwahahahaha! Mwahahahahahahahahahahaha! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! MWAHAHAHAHA-
Hawke: What are you doing?
Sturm: Sorry. When I start on evil laughter, it's a bit hard to stop. Just like talking! I tend to talk on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on on...uh, I meant and on and on. And then I talk on and on and on and and...oh, crud, there I got again. Let's start over. I go on and on and on and on and-
Hawke: SHUT UP!
Sturm: Oh yeah? Well...um...same...er...to...uh...you.
Hawke: Have I ever told you how much I hate you?
Sturm: I think you have, but you tend to say it so often I forget. You say it again and again and again and again and again and again and-
Hawke conks Sturm in the head, causing him to collapse.
Hawke: Aha! Now time to kill him! At last!
Unseen Person: Not if I have anything to say about it! This looks like a job for...someone else!
Lord Seth: Yeah! This looks like a job for...me!
Lord Seth punches Hawke, and he goes flying.
Lord Seth: Wow. I never knew I could do that.
Hawke, who has apparently just flown across the whole world, hits Lord Seth on his other side and causes them both to collapse. Then Sturm gets up.
Sturm: Aha! I knew it! I was going to use a great joke here, but it was thought to be too much for a PG story, especially one that was a full-fledged PG story, not just a little into PG, as it was put into PG back when someone used a bad word, and also had some other PG elements, so this would be risky, so I won't say whatever it is I was going to say. READERS WILL GO INSANE NOT KNOWING WHAT THE JOKE WAS GOING TO BE! Mwahahahaha! Mwahahahahahahahahahahaha! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! MWAHAHAHAHA-
Will Sturm ever stop laughing evilly? Will we ever find out the joke? Was there even going to be a joke, or did we make that all up to make this joke? Is Lord Seth crazy? Do we already know the answer to the previous question beyond any shadow of a doubt? Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.875!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 153
Previously, nothing worth mentioning in a recap happened.
-Green Earth-
Eagle: Man, those zany adventures were pretty fun. But it's nice to be back home in Green Earth now.
Drake: Haven't you noticed the Black Hole troops attacking and destroying everything?
Eagle: Oh, so THAT'S what those things were.
Jess: What did you THINK they were?
Eagle: People disguised to be Black Hole Soldiers and pretending to destroy everything.
A certain amount of time later...
-Black Hole-
Sturm: Hooray! Wars World is under our control!
The End
The camera zooms out and it turns out, yet again, it's just a movie.
Sturm (on screen): Aw, crud. It was just a movie? Well, good thing that we had a plan for this.
Meanwhile, in Black Hole...
-Black Hole-
Lord Seth: That was sure redundant.
Suddenly, a very large group of very large weapons materialize above Lord Seth. They all fall and squash him.
Sturm: Woohoo! Super-powerful weapons! And a lot of them, too! We can easily conquer Wars World with these!
Hawke: These are movie props.
Lord Seth: Movie props that work!
Hawke: They work?
Lord Seth: Well, they sure hurt when they land on you.
-Blue Moon-
Grit: Why does it seem like reality itself was suddenly altered?
Olaf: Why do you ask me questions when, as I'm dumber than you, if you don't know, I would clearly not know?
Grit: I'll explain it to you in the form of a song! Ahem. (singing) Oh, this is a story 'bout a guy named Bob, whose name actually was Rob, but that's not important to the story! So one day Bob went on a walk, and then he talk, I know that's not correct grammar, but we needed it to get the rhyme this time! And then he walked and he walked and he walked and he walked and talked and talked and walked and talked and walked and talked, and so on! And then he was gone. Aliens abducted him because he was annoying, and thus everyone who knew him was cheering, and the aliens won a medal. The End.
Olaf: Oh, I get it now.
Lord Seth: That song was horrible.
Grit: YOU wrote it!
Lord Seth: Good point.
-Green Earth-
Eagle: It's great to be back from the zany adventures. Well, not so great, because the zany adventures were fun.
Drake: I thought that was part of the movie.
Eagle: It was a movie AND actually happened.
Drake: The movie actually happened?
Eagle: No, the zany adventures did.
Drake: The zany adventures from the movie happened?
Eagle: No, we just had zany adventures that, by pure coincidence, were the same as those from the movie.
Jess: It never showed the zany adventures in the movie. How do you know?
Eagle: I know the director.
-Black Hole-
Sturm: All right! With the weapons we now have we can conquer Wars World easily!
Adder: If we even try. You've spent the last few days talking about how we can conquer Wars World easily with the weapons.
Sturm: Patience is a virtue!
Adder: But we're evil!
Sturm: Okay, patience is an anti-virtue. And now, to INVADE WARS WORLD AND CONQUER IT!
Flak: I'm confused. Why do we want to conquer Wars World anyway? What do we gain?
Sturm: Uh, power.
Flak: But why does that matter? We've already got complete control of Black Hole. SO WHY DO WE START WARS TO GAIN WHAT WE DON'T NEED?
Sturm: Let's ignore that. INVADE!
What DOES Black Hole gain? Will Black Hole conquer Wars World? Is the story better now that we only have Classic? Find out next time, to Advance Wars 2.875!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 154
Previously, we repeated the "was actually a movie" gag, but now Black Hole has some killer weapons from the movie and they're about to try to conquer Wars World with them.
-Orange Star-
Nell: Well, Black Hole is invading and conquering everywhere. Only one thing to do!
Sami: Fight until we're all dead?
Andy: Surrender like people who surrender?
Max: Ignore the problem and hope it goes away?
Nell: No! We need to fight until everyone except for we COs are dead. Then we surrender. And until then, we ignore the problem and hope it goes away.
There is a pause.
Lord Seth: INGENIOUS!
Hachi: Hey, everyone! Want to buy defective products at exorbitant prices?
Andy: Only if Max does.
Max: Only if Nell does.
Nell: Only if Sami does.
Sami: This is out of character for me, even for this story, but I need to say it for the joke to come full circle, so...only if Andy does.
Hachi: Uh...well, there are other people to rip-off! To the place where it's easiest to rip people off!
Lord Seth: Where is that?
Hachi: I don't know. But I will make it my life's mission to find out!
-Yellow Comet-
Kanbei: I need a diary.
Sonja: Why?
Kanbei: Because then I could write stuff down in it. You know, like totally pointless things like what time it is, why I got the diary in the first place, how some people misspell my name, and so on.
Sonja: I don't even get that joke.
Kanbie: Joke?
-Blue Moon-
Olaf: Well, we're doomed because Black Hole is going to conquer us.
Colin: That's a rather gloomy view.
Olaf: They do control 90% of our land.
Colin: Yeah, but we have the GOOD part!
Olaf: Well, there's only one thing to do at a time like this!
Colin: What?
Olaf: Do whatever it is we do at a time like this!
What is it they do at a time like this? Is Wars World doomed? Does anyone care? Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.875!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 155
Previously, Black Hole took over more of Wars World.
-Black Hole-
Sturm: Mwahaha! We are almost victorious! Only a small part of Wars World is not under our control! And then we will end this story with our victory!
-Orange Star-
Andy: Look! We got a package from someone!
Nell: Black Hole has almost conquered us and you care about a PACKAGE?!
Andy: Yeah! You never know! Maybe I won the lottery or something!
Andy opens the package. There's nothing there.
Andy: Hey! There's nothing in here!
Max: We know. The narrator told us.
Andy: Well, gee. What was the point of that?
-Black Hole-
Sturm: WHAT?! All of our invading troops have been mysteriously transported back here? And other stuff have happened that make it seem like this conflict never took place?
Hawke: Don't forget the fact that our super-weapons are gone.
Sturm: WHAT HAPPENED?!
-Orange Star-
Andy: Well, everything seems back to normal. Strange that it all happened once I opened that package. Oh well, must be a coincidence.
Nell: Who sent it anyway?
Andy: Let's see...it's from "Deus Ex Machina Incorporated".
Sami: Strange. I never heard of them.
Max: Oh! I know! They must make boxes! Then they shipped it to you! Yeah! Boxes! I like boxes! They're so brown and square!
Nell: Nah, I think they're the makers of air. That's what was in the package. Air.
Andy: Strange. You think Lord Seth would've made some kind of "Box Ghost" joke back when Max said that thing about boxes. You know, as Lord Seth's a fan of Danny Phantom and all.
Sami: Don't give him ideas!
Lord Seth comes in.
Lord Seth: Give me ideas about what?
Sami: Uh...nothing.
Lord Seth: Phew! I don't want to have ideas about nothing. I AM THE LORD SETH! BEWARE!
Max: Why did you say that?
Lord Seth: If I knew why I said things, we'd have a much greater understanding of the universe than we do.
-Green Earth-
Drake: AAAHHH! West Nile Virus is infecting everyone!
Eagle: But we live east of the Nile.
Jess: There isn't even a Nile here.
Lord Seth: No, there is. By pure coincidence, there's a river called the "Nile" here. It has nothing to do with the Nile on Earth.
Jess: Ignoring that, don't we live east AND west of the Nile?
Eagle: Oh. Right.
Lord Seth: Whoops, my mistake. There isn't a Nile here. There's a river called the Niel, but no Nile. So we had a not-very-good joke that didn't even make sense.
Jess: Like everything in this story?
Lord Seth: Yes, like everything in...hey!
-Blue Moon-
Grit: Woohoo! Black Hole is gone! And they...ah...ah...
Grit starts sneezing.
Grit: Crud. I think I have a cold.
Olaf: Well, don't come near me. I don't want to catch it.
Colin: Is it possible to get a restraining order because someone has a cold?
Olaf: I don't know, but I think I'm about to find out!
Colin and Olaf run out.
Grit: Oh, wait, that wasn't a cold. I'm just allergic to incredibly cheesy plot twists.
Lord Seth: Then you'd be sneezing nonstop.
Grit: No, I mean INCREDIBLY cheesy. Even cheesy for you.
Lord Seth: Woohoo! My plot twists are even more cheesy! Woohoo!
Grit: That's a bad thing.
Lord Seth: Oohoow!
Grit: Oohoow?
Lord Seth: Well, it's the reverse spelling of woohoo, and as you say woohoo when it's something good, and as this is clearly something bad, it makes sense to say the word spelled backwards, in this case 'oohoow'.
Grit: I'm out of here.
Grit leaves. Lord Seth starts sneezing.
Lord Seth: Darn it! I forgot about my allergic to allergies of cheesy plot twists! Oohoow!
Was this part pointless and stupid? Was it any more pointless or stupid than any of the other parts? Were the previous two questions pointless and stupid? How does Lord Seth go from country to country so quickly? Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.875!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 156
Previously, everything went back to normal after Andy opened a package from "Deus Ex Machina Incorporated".
-Black Hole-
Sturm: Okay, now we need a new plan to take over Wars World. Suggestions?
Flak: Ooh! Ooh! I know! Let's conquer Wars World!
There is a pause. Then there's another pause.
Lash: You can't have multiple pauses in a row! It's all just one pause! The only way to have multiple pauses is to have something happen between them!
Adder: Wouldn't that be a pause?
Flak: I like to pause video games!
Sturm: Well, clearly no one has any ideas as of now. So I declare this meeting to now be a bingo tournament!
Hawke: Oh, please no.
Sturm: Yep! I'll begin. (singing) I knew a farmer who had a dog and Bingo was his name-o! B-I-N-G-O! B-I-N-G-O! B-I-N-G-O and Bingo was his name-o! I knew a farmer who had a dog and Bingo was his name-o! (clap)-I-N-G-O! (clap)-I-N-G-O! (clap)-I-N-G-O and Bingo was his name-o! I knew a farmer who-
Hawke: (while Sturm keeps singing) Who was the one who told him that a bingo tournament is to see who can sing that song the longest?
Lash points at Adder. Adder points at Flak. Flak points at himself.
Hawke: Flak?
Flak: I like pointing at myself!
Hawke: As long as you don't use a certain finger to point at things, I don't care.
Lash: Actually, some cultures use that finger to point normally, rather than the index finger. It's not meant offensively in those places.
Adder: Isn't this conversation going a bit too far for a PG story?
Lash: No, because on Wars World pointing at someone with your the finger in question only means "I hate you". You can get away with hatred in a G-rated story.
Flak: You mean that it doesn't mean-
Lash: Nope, contrary to popular belief, it does NOT mean "I loathe you". It's just hate.
Flak: Aren't they synonyms? After all, loathe and hate mean the same thing, so does it really matter if it's loathe or hate? And what finger are we even talking about?
Lash: The pinky. What other finger would it be?
Flak: Ah.
Sturm: I knew a farmer who had a dog and Bingo was his name-o! (clap)-(clap)-(clap)-(clap)-(clap)! (clap)-(clap)-(clap)-(clap)-(clap)! (clap)-(clap)-(clap)-(clap)-(clap) and Bingo was his name-o! I knew a farmer who-
Hawke: Just forget it.
-Blue Moon-
Olaf: Grit, I need help.
Grit: What?
Olaf: I need to say something stupid to be funny. You know how I'm usually funny because the things I say are so stupid? But I'm too stupid to think of anything stupid to say.
Grit: I think you just did.
Olaf: I just did be too stupid to think up something stupid to say?
Grit: I meant you just said something really stupid.
Olaf: Uh-oh.
Grit: I thought you wanted to say something stupid.
Olaf: Uh...uh...to take my mind off of this, let's INVADE ORANGE STAR!
Grit: I thought they were our allies.
Olaf: Good point. INVADE GREEN EARTH!
-Green Earth-
Eagle: Hooray! Blue Moon is going to invade us!
Drake: How is that a good thing?
Eagle: It means more screen time! And this time we don't have to be the bad guys who invade another country to get screen time! We get more screen time AND we're the good guys!
Jess: I forgot. Was the time we invaded to get more screen time in Advance Wars 2.5 or 2.75?
Eagle: Does it matter?
Jess: Well, Advance Wars 2.5 technically never happened, so we can't make references to it.
Eagle: Yes we can. Lord Seth apparently wasn't affected by the change because he was the one who did it. So he remembers everything. Well, I mean, it didn't actually happen, but he remembers what didn't happen. He wrote it all down.
Drake: How can someone remember what didn't happen?
Eagle: This is Lord Seth you're talking about. He remembers a lot of things that didn't happen.
Jess: That's because he's insane! He remembers things that never occurred because he's crazy!
Drake: Then how do we know this actually happened before they changed it so that it didn't happen?
Eagle: Oh, forget it. I'm really confused already. Let's just get our military ready to put up a good fight. The longer the war is, the more screen time we get!
Will Blue Moon conquer Green Earth? Will Blue Moon not conquer Green Earth? Is the second question redundant? Is the second question not redundant? Will you tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.875? Tune in next time to find out!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 157
Previously, Blue Moon invaded Green Earth for a reason that was given previously.
-Orange Star-
Nell: Blue Moon has invaded Orange Star!
Sami: Oh no! We have to help them!
Lord Seth: Which "them"? After all, that could apply to Blue Moon or Green Earth.
Sami: Anyone with any common sense would know! Right, guys?
Andy: Um...
Nell: Er...
Max: Uh...
Hachi: Aha! I KNEW it was Blue Moon!
Nell: Strange. Usually I'm the one acting stupid.
-Yellow Comet-
Kanbei: My Samurai Sense is telling me something important is about to happen! Or, it is happening. Or, it has happened.
Sensei: Your "Samurai Sense" isn't very good, is it?
Kanbei: Oh? And you can do better?
Sensei: Yes! My "Sensei Sense" is vastly superior!
Kanbei: "Sensei Sense"?
Sensei: Yes! I can sense the presence of Sensei! It NEVER fails! Observe! According to my Sensei Sense, I am in this room.
Kanbei: Amazing!
Sensei: Isn't it?
Kanbei: Where's Sonja anyway? She never seems to be here anymore.
Meanwhile, in the middle of the ocean...
Sonja is on a very small island that's being circled by sharks. Her clothes are ripped and she's covered in bruises, presumably inflicted by the sharks.
Sonja: I hate my life.
-Green Earth-
Eagle: Has Blue Moon started its invasion already?
Drake: You want it to happen?
Eagle: We won't get our increased screen time if it doesn't!
Jess: I really should go back to whatever it was I was doing before Advance Wars 2.
What was Jess doing? Why does she hold that giant pencil? Is it even a giant pencil? How did Sonja get in the middle of the ocean anyway? Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.875!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 158
Previously, some stuff happened that I don't need to explain.
-Blue Moon-
Olaf: I scheduled an invasion of Green Earth! And we're behind schedule!
Grit: What's on your schedule?
Olaf: Well, let's see, right now we're supposed to be seemingly victorious. then all of the other countries will finally take it upon themselves to help Green Earth, and we'll all be beaten back and humiliated. But we haven't even started the invasion yet! That means the humiliation will be late! Why are we behind schedule?
Grit: The troops refuse to do it. They don't want to risk their lives for a pointless cause.
Olaf: They did before!
Grit: That was only because you threatened to torture them if they didn't.
Olaf: Oh. Why can't we do that again?
Grit: Our main torture device was to make them see all of the scenes of Star Wars with Jar Jar Binks. But it turns out it's copyright infringement, so we had to stop.
Olaf: Huh?
Grit: At the beginning of almost all VHS tapes and DVDs of a movie or a show, they say that it's licensed only for noncommercial viewing in homes. For any other use, such as showing it in school for non-educational purposes, you need explicit permission, because otherwise you're committing copyright infringement. If it's for EDUCATIONAL purposes you can get away with it, as it's Fair Use, but not just for entertainment. Anyway, torture doesn't fall under "private home use", or education, or anything else that would qualify as Fair Use, and they wouldn't give us permission to show those clips.
Olaf: Well, there's got to be SOME other annoying character we could use!
Grit: They're all under copyrights. The only one it looks like we might be able to use is...
Grit looks through some papers.
Grit: Oh, crud.
Olaf: Who is it?
Grit: Let's forget it, okay?
Olaf: Who? Who? Who? Who? Who?
Grit: Fine! Lord Seth!
Lord Seth: What?! I'm not as annoying as Jar Jar Binks? I take offense at that!
Grit: Seth, that's a GOOD thing.
Lord Seth: That's LORD Seth to you!
Grit: Where did you get that "Lord" title from anyway?
Lord Seth: Title? I thought it was my first name.
Grit: Is it?
Lord Seth: I don't know.
Olaf: I'm not seeing any invading done! I DEMAND INVASION!
Lord Seth: Well, you know, I could tell the troops that they'll have to listen to me if they don't invade...
Olaf: Great idea!
Grit: I don't know. Isn't that a crime against humanity?
Olaf: Shut up. So, Lord Seth, will you do it?
Lord Seth: Well, yes...
Olaf: All right!
Lord Seth: ...for a price.
Olaf: What?
Lord Seth: Uh...ten cents?
Olaf: Well, my lawyers will talk to your lawyers about having their lawyers negotiate that.
Lord Seth: I have lawyers?
Olaf: You do now!
Will Blue Moon ever invade Green Earth? Will they lose and be humiliated? And what's Black Hole been up to in the meantime? Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.875!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 159
Previously...oh, who cares? It's not like anyone reads these recaps anyway.
-Blue Moon-
Lord Seth: So, how goes the negotiations regarding my request for ten cents in exchange for my services?
Olaf: I'm not supposed to talk to you while the lawyers discuss this.
Lord Seth: Okay...I'm Mr. Seth. How is that? Not Lord Seth. Mr. Seth.
Olaf: It says "Lord Seth".
Lord Seth: Oh. Let's see if we can fix that.
Lord Seth does something that we're too lazy to describe.
Mr. Seth: How is this?
Olaf: Oh, hello Mr. Seth, who is clearly not Lord Seth! Anyway, the lawyers' lawyers are having trouble, so they sent their own lawyers in.
Dr. Seth: Interesting.
Olaf: I thought you were Mr. Seth.
Prof. Seth: Uh-oh! I must've forgotten to make it stop changing my title!
Olaf: Huh?
Sr. Seth: There's only one thing to do!
Olaf: What?
Lt. Seth: Bring in the writer's block!
Olaf: Aha! A lieutenant! I can order you around!
Col. Seth: Come on, writer's block, kick in...
Olaf: I'm saying something completely random here. And I'm still confused.
Lord Seth: Ah, good. Good old writer's block. I knew if I couldn't think up new titles for me, it would revert.
Olaf: I'm still confused. Pause. OH NO! IT'S LORD SETH! I CAN'T TALK TO YOU WHILE THE LAWYERS ARE DISCUSSING THINGS!
Lord Seth: Shouldn't that "pause" be in parentheses and not be an actual sentence?
Olaf: You're not going to fool me into talking to you!
Lord Seth: You just talked to me.
Olaf: Drat.
-Green Earth-
Eagle: Still no invasion from Blue Moon.
Jess: That's because the soldiers don't want to attack and the only person annoying enough to make them attack is Lord Seth, who is currently negotiating with Blue Moon, or to be more specifically their lawyers' lawyers' lawyers are the ones negotiating, because Olaf doesn't want to pay the ten cents Lord Seth requested.
Eagle: Darn it! We can't get our screen time if they don't invade! How can we get them angry?
Drake: Okay, this is just getting stupid now.
Eagle: Shut up! Let me think...aha! I know! Let's go to every single house in Blue Moon and insult them!
Drake: Wouldn't it be easier just to make that proclamation on television?
Eagle: Even better!
-Black Hole-
Sturm: What is our latest diabolical plan?
Flak: I know! I know! Some of the characters presumably die, and then the others move on with their life and fall in love with other people. Then the original people return and we watch them all try to sort out their various life triangles.
Lash: Isn't that the stereotypical soap opera?
Flak: Yeah! We need more soap opera elements in this story! We're not attracting the 18-36 female demographic!
Adder: Flak, Lord Seth said that he'd only try to have romance in this story when something that will never happen happens.
Flak: What is this something?
Adder: Anything that would never happen.
Flak: Phew! I was afraid it would be a specific thing that would never happen. If it's ANYTHING that would never happen, we've got a better chance.
Adder: Better chance of what?
Flak: Of it happening.
Adder: I really need to find a new line of work.
Will this thing never happen? Will Black Hole think up a diabolical plan? Will this legal debate between Lord Seth and Olaf ever get finished? Why are we still basing this story off Advance Wars 2 when Advance Wars Dual Strike is out? Is it because Lord Seth is too cheap to buy the game? Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.875!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 160
Previously, Green Earth decided to make sure the war started by being really insulted to Blue Moon, so the troops would want to fight them, and they'd get their screen time.
-Blue Moon-
Olaf: Dang it. No progress. The lawyers' lawyers' lawyers have had to call in THEIR lawyers.
Grit: You could just pay Lord Seth the ten cents he requested.
Olaf: Never!
Grit: Um, but these lawyers are charging you one hundred dollars each day.
Olaf: It's the principle of the thing that counts.
Grit sighs. Colin runs in.
Colin: You guys! Green Earth broadcasted some really insulting messages to Blue Moon!
Olaf: Really? What?
Colin: Let's see...Olaf is an idiot and is fat.
Olaf: Oh, that's all? That's more fact than an insult.
Colin: Uh...
-Orange Star-
Nell: So people want to burn all the copies of "Harry Potter and the Rolling Thunder of the Catcher in the Chocolate War Code"?
Sami: Yes.
Nell: Okay, then! Get the CD burners ready!
Sami: Huh?
Nell: Well, obviously these are CDs, and people want to copy them. Or, as they say in the computer business, "burn".
Sami: No, no. They're books, and they want to burn them.
Nell: Why don't they just recycle them? You know what they say, after all!
Sami: What?
Nell: I don't know. I was thinking because you knew, you would tell me.
Sami: I can't tell you because I don't know!
Nell: Refusing to tell a superior something? That's TREASON!
Sami: I can't tell you because I don't know!
Nell: Are you trying to excuse your treason?! You must be punished! (pause) What's the punishment for treason again?
Andy comes in.
Andy: Hey, Nell! I just memorized all of the punishments for all of the crimes! Ask me anything about it!
Nell: Okay. What's the punishment for treason?
Andy: Banishment to a hostile country!
Nell: Wouldn't death be easier?
Andy: Yeah, but apparently they felt the death penalty was "wrong", so they changed it to be sent to a country that hates us. That way, if they do get killed, it's not our fault.
Nell: Brilliant!
Sami: Don't I get a say in this?
Nell: No. Now, send Sami to...YELLOW COMET!
Andy: They don't hate us.
Nell: Oh. Right. Send Sami to...BLACK HOLE!
-Black Hole-
Lash: Tada! It's my latest invention! The World-Destroyer!
Sturm: It destroys the world?
Lash: Yes!
Hawke: But aren't we on the world?
Lash: Oh, right. I guess maybe it isn't such a great idea after all.
Lash destroys the machine.
Lash: Okay, uh, I'll call you in when I figure something new out.
Sturm: All right! To the library!
Hawke: We don't have libraries. We destroyed them all because they gave people dangerous ideas, remember?
Adder: Like freedom of speech and power to the people?
Sturm: No, because they had things people might mimic. After all, people could be stupid and try to imitate taking over the world, like in those books.
Flak: Who would be dumb enough to do that?
Who WOULD be dumb enough to do that? Will Sami be killed off? Isn�t getting killed off perpetually Sonja's job? What time is it? Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.875!
Read on!