Parts 141 to 150
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 141
Previously...oh, forget it. Let's just repeat that "reset machine" gag we used back in Advance Wars 2.5 (or was it 2.75?). And if it was Advance Wars 2.5, the reason I know about it even though it never happened is because I have a good memory, okay?
-Black Hole-
Sturm: What were we just doing?
Flak: I have no idea. It was like everything was just reset. Kind of like on TV shows. Everything is just "reset". Someone gets turned into bologna at the end of an episode? They're back to normal at the beginning of the next! After going back in time and possibly screwing with the past, someone's name is now "Internet"? Reset again at the next episode! The city the characters live in is destroyed? Reset at the next episode! A major character is killed? Again, everything is back to normal.
Lord Seth: Those were references to Invader Zim, The Fairly Oddparents, Megas XLR, and South Park.
Flak: You like all those shows?
Lord Seth: Well, yeah. Especially the first three. (pause) And there previously was a long speech right here, but it related to a sentence that was cut out, so it was removed.
Hawke: Why doesn't Lord Seth just list all of his favorite TV shows while he's at it?
Lord Seth: I'm right here. You don't have to talk as if I'm not in the room!
Sturm: Instead of babbling on about what shows Lord Seth likes or doesn't like, how about we just CONQUER WARS WORLD?
Hawke: NOW you're talking my language!
Sturm: That doesn't make sense.
Hawke: How so?
Sturm: You said "Now you're talking my language", which implies that previously I wasn't. I was speaking English at that time, which means that English is the language you were referring to. However, I was speaking English before that, and your statement implies I was speaking a different language. So I was speaking the same language, yet you implied I was speaking two different languages. That doesn't really make sense.
Adder: I can't believe it. We wasted so much time with this banter that we're already out of time.
Was this banter a waste of time? Should this banter actually be called "banter"? Will we ever find out all of Lord Seth's favorite TV shows? Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.875! And all of Lord Seth's favorite TV shows!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 142
(a.k.a. The Problem With Pyrzwxgl)
Weird Figure: And now I must send you four on another quest. This one is much more important than the previous two.
DM: Well, I'm not going on it.
Weird Figure: I'm afraid you must. It was foretold that one of the great heroes will have a name that is harder to pronounce than Pyrzwxgl, which is unnecessarily capitalized here.
Max: Pyrzwxgl?
Weird Figure: No, pyrzwxgl. It's a word that, if pronounced correctly, can be used to turn people into different things.
Max: Wow! I'd LOVE to become a tank!
Weird Figure: This is why it's hard to pronounce. It has a chance of abuse.
DM: Where'd you find this?
Weird Figure: Oh, you read books on magic, you pick this kind of stuff up.
Max: No fair! I want to become a tank!
DM: I'd like you to become someone who would only talk if you have something intelligent to say. Pyrzqxgl...am I pronouncing it right?
Weird Figure: AAHH! You pronounced it correctly! Now you've turned Max into himself, except he can't say anything stupid!
DM: That's an improvement! (pause) Hey, wait a minute! That means I can change ANYONE into anything...
DM starts smiling evilly. Weird Figure sighs.
Weird Figure: I wish you all would become like you were before I even mentioned that word. Pyrzqxgl.
DM: What were you saying?
Weird Figure: I was saying that one of the heroes would have a name even harder to pronounce than...well, never mind that. That must be you, DM.
DM: The word?
Weird Figure: No, the person!
Max: Hey! DM isn't hard to pronounce.
Weird Figure: I meant his actual name, M2rzwgxplrt! And his actual name is harder to pronounce than any other name I've ever seen; it tops even Mgzquxlnp.
E. Gadd: These words don't make sense. I thought a Q was always followed by a U.
Weird Figure: Yeah, but the word you don't remember me mentioning and therefore are not making a reference to was a MAGIC word. Not the "please" kind of magic word, but a word of magic. And that name wasn't in English, it was in Inbekistalian.
Max: That sounds like a language you made up on the spot.
Grit: I love the small talk. It lets me sit back, relax, and temporarily not have to worry about stressful quests anymore.
Weird Figure: I assure you, it's true. I'll even say a few phrases in it. Pjub ptyx qrlt wert blak. Kome ta yamam?
DM: That sounds like gibberish.
Weird Figure: Hablo espa�ol. �Y t�?
DM: That sounds like even worse gibberish.
Weird Figure: Whatever. Now let me explain about your quest...it is a very dangerous quest.
DM: Could someone remind me as to why I'm still here?
Grit: I hope it had to do with relaxation. Anything can be made better if it's relaxing.
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 143
(a.k.a. A Major Symptom Of Writer's Block Is Thinking Up Part Names That Reference Writer's Block)
Weird Figure: Now, as I said, I think I believe you guys to be the people mentioned in the prophecy.
Max: You think you believe?
Weird Figure: Whoops! I meant to say "I believe I think". Now, I don't want to miss my show, so-
Grit: What show?
Weird Figure: Uh...never mind.
DM: What? Are you hiding something? What is it, some kind of stupid thing like a stupid show?
Weird Figure: Fine! It's Mucrology! Happy?
Grit: Never heard of that show.
Weird Figure: That's because it doesn't exist yet!
Max: Sometimes it's nice to be stupid. You don't have to figure out things like what was just said.
Weird Figure: Enough! Now let me explain about the quest!
DM: Can I leave now? Like I said, I'm not going on it.
Weird Figure: Well, there's an item of great power at the end of it.
DM: Can it be used to wreak havoc on my enemies?
Weird Figure: Yep.
DM: Can it be used to wreak havoc on my friends?
Weird Figure: Um...yeah.
DM: I'm in!
Weird Figure: But first, you need another member to your party.
E. Gadd: I thought you said there were FOUR legendary heroes.
Weird Figure: Math wasn't my best subject. Now, about that quest I mentioned-
Grit: Will the new member be into relaxation?
E. Gadd: Will the new member be into D&D?
Max: Will the new member be into Tanks?
DM: Will the new member be into ANYTHING but the things just said?
Weird Figure: I don't even know who the weird member is yet!
Max: Weird member?
Weird Figure: I meant fifth member! Gee, misspeak ONCE...
DM: Well, in a story, people never actually misspeak. If someone ever says "um", for example, it always means that they're making something up. True, in real life people will say that when they're not making thins up, but in stories it's never, um, like that.
Weird Figure: You'll find the new member in the middle of the quest! Now can I explain it?
Grit: Wait, there are cases where someone says "Um" without covering something up. If someone asks a totally ridiculous question, someone might say "Um..." in response. Here's a flashback showing it.
Sturm: Of course I don't know! Who do I look like, Sturm?
Adder: Um...
Grit: See? Adder wasn't covering anything up then. He just was totally taken aback by the stupidity of Sturm's comment.
Max: Yeah, but that's just one different kind.
Weird Figure: Hello! I'm trying to explain the quest!
E. Gadd: It's all the fault of people failing their Deception Checks.
DM: Not this stupid "check" stuff again!
Max: Check? Aw...I'm no good at chess!
Grit: Why? Because you're not very intelligent?
Max: Well, my strategy to capturing my opponent's king is to take a tank and drive over the chessboard, flattening it. But whenever I attend a tournament, that keeps disqualifying me and getting me sued. Really annoying.
E. Gadd: It's not THAT kind of check!
Max: What is it, then? A checkmate?
Grit: The thing I like about chess is that it barely requires any physical effort.
Max: But it makes your head hurt!
Grit: That's the problem. Things that don't take physical or mental effort are the best. Now, if chess took almost no physical OR mental effort, it would truly be the perfect game.
E. Gadd: Speaking of chess, there was something that annoyed me on Star Trek. On this one episode they mentioned "Queen to Queen's level one" or something like that (or was it to level three? I forgot). The problem is that that's descriptive notation, which has all but died out. Now algebraic notation is used to write down chess moves.
Max: It took place long, long ago, in a galaxy far, far away. Maybe things were different.
DM: That's Star Wars, you idiot! Not Star Trek!
Max: Oh, right. Star Trek takes place long, long ago in a galaxy nearby, right?
DM: I want to kill you.
Max: Ha! I'm too strong for you to do that! You'd have to somehow outwit me, which isn't easy to do!
E. Gadd: What were we even talking about Wasn't it chess or something?
DM: Isn't "chess" supposed to be capitalized, that is, "Chess"?
E. Gadd: I'll use a Chess check to see if I know that!
Weird Figure: Why didn't I listen to my mother and go into the e-mail business? I bet they never have to deal with this kind of appalling stupidity.
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 144
Previously, Black Hole wasted time with banter.
-Black Hole-
Sturm: Enough! Let's think up a plan to conquer Wars World! But THIS time, we'll make sure to expect the unexpected and be ready for EVERY contingency! After all, we should always expect the unexpected!
Hawke: That does seem reasonable. If we expect everything and have a plan for it, we can't be caught off guard.
Sturm: Okay! What are some unexpected things we should expect and prepare for?
Flak: A giant planet-eating monster arriving.
Sturm: Ooh, I didn't think of that. Write that down, someone. What else?
Adder: All of our forces being spontaneously abducted by aliens?
Lash: Our troops all deserting to join a soap opera?
Flak: Our enemies' troops suddenly growing in strength by a factor of a really high number, so high that I can't name it?
Adder: What number is that?
Flak: The number that's one above one.
Adder: Two?
Flak: How did you figure that math problem out? I've spent my whole life trying to figure that out!
Sturm: Enough! What are some other possibilities?
Adder: Our soldiers all get really lazy and decide to watch TV instead of invading?
Lash: All of us mysteriously vanishing from existence?
Hawke: Us wasting so much time with this that we don't actually get around to invading, much less conquering, anything?
Sturm: All excellent ideas! Keep writing them down, whoever is writing them down! But I need more! MORE!
Much, MUCH later...
Sturm: Okay, I think that's everything.
Flak: You forgot the possibility that the whole universe will implode upon itself.
Lash: Good catch, Flak. Maybe there's a use for you other than comic relief after all.
Sturm: Okay, it's taken a long time, but I think we've FINALLY gotten everything expected. Now we just have to figure out how to prepare for all of them. Okay, where's the piece of paper with them all written down?
There is a long pause.
Sturm: Well, who was writing them down?
There is a longer pause.
Sturm: WELL?!
There is a pause that is the longest it can possibly be without losing all reader interest.
Hawke: I don't think anyone wrote it down.
Sturm: Argh! All that work for nothing!
Adder: I've got more bad news.
Sturm: What?
Adder: On top of losing all that work, we haven't even begun to plan for PLAUSIBLE contingencies. So we've got to do all of that over again, plus think about things that actually MIGHT happen. Not to mention there's the work of figuring out how to plan for unexpected possibilities. So, we basically wasted a lot of time, and will have to do it all over again, and do some more.
Sturm: NO! I CAN'T HAVE ALL THAT WORK BE FOR NAUGHT, HAVE TO DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN, AND DO MORE! IT'S NOT FAIR!
Sturm starts sobbing.
Adder: I do have some good news, though.
Sturm: (stops crying) What?
Adder: I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 145
(a.k.a. Further Delays, Plus Unnecessary Dialogue!)
E. Gadd: Okay, it's time for an Intelligence check to see if anyone is smart enough to figure out we're all wasting time.
DM: What is with you and these checks?
E. Gadd: That's an interesting story. You see, long ago in the future, I was only interested in ghosts and other undead creatures. Then I discovered the wonderful world of Expert Dungeons & Dragons! It's much better than Advanced Dungeons & Dragons because they've got more checks and more stats! I mean, Common Sense Checks! They didn't have those before! It's great! The only problem is that the rulebook is longer than a set of encyclopedias. But that's the price you have to pay for all of those cool new rules! Anyway, so after discovering this I started playing it a lot. I had several characters, but the best was my level 14.5 Wizard. Oh, that's another good thing. They actually have HALF-LEVELS in Expert Dungeons & Dragons! Awesome, huh? Supposedly in the next edition they'll even have FOURTH-LEVELS! Isn't that awesome? But for now, we're stuck with half-levels. There are also new classes, like Mad Scientist! Wait, I screwed up before. My level 12 Mad Scientist character is actually my favorite. The other one was just my strongest. The Mad Scientist character is cool, because he's totally obsessed about ghosts and stat checks! And also...oh, there's no one still reading this. Might as well fill this up with random stuff. Big apples tear giant books while walking through jumping concrete which knocks sky. Computers hated starfish that climbed dirt chewing hamburgers. Cartridges shining in the night attract grinning tigers. Well, that's my share of randomness out of the way. Maybe I'll get some Random Points for it! In Expert Dungeons & Dragons, a Random Point is equal to 100 Experience Points, but they're rare. You have to do random stuff, but most Dungeon Masters don't like to give them out because it screws up quests. Anyway, so I started playing Expert Dungeons & Dragons so much, and then lost an Intelligence check as to whether I could distinguish between the real world and Expert Dungeons & Dragons. Sigh. Oh well, a few more months and I'll get another shot at that Intelligence check!
Weird Figure: Okay, okay, THAT'S IT! I'M GOING TO TELL YOU ABOUT THE QUEST, AND NO MORE INTERRUPTIONS THIS TIME!
Max: We have to have an interruption.
Weird Figure: And what would that be?
Max: The end of the part!
Weird Figure: D'oh!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 146
(a.k.a. Just Another Part)
Weird Figure: Okay, the quest is to-
There is a pause.
Weird Figure: No more interruptions? Finally! Anyway, I need you guys to go and find 11 Scrolls of Power.
Grit: Didn't Lord Seth already do this in a different story?
Weird Figure: Yeah, but this is supposed to be an unofficial sequel. Now, all of the scrolls' names have been changed.
Max: Why?
Weird Figure: Because I'm too lazy to look up their original names!
Grit: Don't give yourself credit for things Lord Seth did. It's rather demeaning to you.
Weird Figure: Giving myself credit for something I didn't do is demeaning?
Grit: No, just saying you did ANYTHING that Lord Seth did is what's demeaning.
Weird Figure: Anyway, they're all around, and...oh, darn it. This isn't working. We need someone who was here in that original story. Otherwise it seems weird that people are making references to things in a story they weren't even in.
Luigi suddenly appears.
Luigi: What am I doing here? I was in the middle of something important.
Weird Figure: I'll send you back soon. As I was saying, you need to get 11 Scrolls of Power. And here are 4 of them for free.
4, er, I mean FOUR scrolls appear out of nowhere.
Grit: Ah, good. Less work to do.
Luigi: Hmmm. I remember a while back when Lord Seth did something like this. He must not have wanted to go through 11, which he didn't like. So now it's only 7.
Weird Figure: Okay, so that's that.
Luigi disappears.
E. Gadd: You brought him here just for that statement?
Weird Figure: What's the point of being super-powerful if you don't get to use it for almost completely pointless things?
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 147
Previously, Black Hole worked hard on a nefarious plan. Their idea was to "expect the unexpected", so they�re trying to think up every single unexpected thing that could happen. Oh, yeah, and we forgot the "ending questions" last time also.
-Black Hole-
Flak: (crying) Why must we be evil and bring about all kinds of badness? Why can't we ever do anything nice for a change?
Everyone stares at Flak.
Flak: What? I'm just trying to show my sensitive side.
Sturm: Okay. We've written down all of those unexpected possibilities. Are there any more?
Lash: The chance that it'll turn out this is all just a movie, like before?
Sturm: Uh-oh. That could be a tough one to deal with. Well, we'll think up how to deal with the other possibilities first.
-Blue Moon-
Blue Moon Soldier: Yes!
Blue Moon Soldier 2: No!
Blue Moon Soldier: Yes!
Blue Moon Soldier 2: No!
Grit: What are you two arguing about?
Blue Moon Soldier: I say he's stupid because he's ugly!
Blue Moon Soldier: I'm not stupid because I'm ugly! Someone's intelligence doesn't depend on what they look like!
Grit: Guys, guys guys. You know that it's not what someone looks like that matters. It's what they're like on the inside.
Blue Moon Soldier: Good point! (to Blue Moon Soldier 2) All right, let's cut you up and see what your insides look like!
Blue Moon Soldier 2: Wouldn't it be easier to do an X-Ray?
Blue Moon Soldier: Do you know what kind of radiation they emit? Nah, it's safer to just cut you up.
The Blue Moon Soldier starts walking towards Blue Moon Soldier 2.
Grit: I'd run if I were you.
Blue Moon Soldier 2: Why don't YOU help me?
Grit: Because it would require me to actually do something, and I prefer to just do nothing. But since getting cut up isn't relaxing, I'd suggest you run.
Blue Moon Soldier 2 starts running away, and Blue Moon Soldier chases after him.
Grit: They should learn to relax.
-Orange Star-
Orange Star Soldier: All right! We're...what was I saying?
Orange Star Soldier: I don't know.
Orange Star Soldier: What?
Orange Star Soldier: What?
Orange Star Soldier: Why does it say I'm talking to myself?
Orange Star Soldier: You're not. My name is "Orange Star Soldier", too!
Orange Star Soldier: Argh! I thought the rule was that no one named "Orange Star Soldier" should be with anyone named "Orange Star Soldier". Any "Orange Star Soldiers" should be with someone named "Orange Star Soldier 2".
Orange Star Soldier: Don't blame me for what I was named!
Orange Star Soldier: You could change your name.
Orange Star Soldier: Why didn't I think of that? Ah well. Back to Yellow Comet.
Orange Star Soldier: What?
Orange Star Soldier: That's a further annoyance. Just because my name is "Orange Star Soldier", everyone assumes I must BE an Orange Star soldier So annoying!
Orange Star Soldier leaves, leaving Orange Star Soldier alone. Then Orange Star Soldier 2 runs up.
Orange Star Soldier 2: Sorry I'm late. Did I miss anything?
Orange Star Soldier 4 runs up.
Orange Star Soldier 4: Am I supposed to-
Orange Star Soldier 2: Too early. Orange Star Soldier 3 still hasn't arrived.
Orange Star Soldier 4: Darn it!
-Yellow Comet-
Some various scientists of Yellow Comet are working on some kind of device. Before we can see it, Kanbei dives in front of the camera and covers it up.
Kanbei: This is top secret! Go away!
-Black Hole-
Sturm: Good. Now have we thought up a way to deal with ALL of the unexpected contingencies?
Hawke: Yes.
Sturm: And it's all written down?
Hawke: Yes.
Sturm: And backed-up?
Hawke: Yes.
Sturm: Uh-oh. I just thought of something.
Hawke: What?
Sturm: We'll have to have a plan for every single possible possibility that something could go wrong with our back-ups and the original! Quick! Make another list!
Will another list be made? Did we forget to do this last time? Are in-jokes that no one gets actually funny? Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.875!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 148
(a.k.a. The Sub-Quest Finally Starts)
Max: May I ask a question not really related to the matter at hand?
Grit: Sure, why not.
There is a pause.
Grit: Well?
Max: That WAS the question.
Weird Figure: Okay! Now get out of this cave and get those scrolls! Out! Out!
Weird Figure pushes our heroes out of the cave, then closes and locks the door.
Grit: How can he close and lock a door that doesn't exist?
E. Gadd: All right! Onto another quest! More experience points!
DM: Do we even know where to go?
Max: Don't worry. I'm sure that Weird Figure set it up so that the way we would be going is the right way.
Meanwhile...
Weird Figure: Oops! Forgot to give them this Scroll of Power locater. Oh well. I'm sure they can find them without it.
Meanwhile...
Sturm: Where ARE Grit, Max, and those other two guys who I don't really care about?
Hawke: We don't know.
Sturm: And whatever happened to Smithy?
Hawke: Smithy? Have you been hallucinating again?
Sturm: I was talking to him! He and I were working together!
Hawke: You're hallucinating again. I sure hope that your hallucination didn't somehow get into the story.
Sturm: WHY AM I HALLUCINATING?
Hawke: Probably because Lash put that thing on your head that's labeled "Hallucination-causer".
Sturm: Darn it! What did I tell Lash about that?
Hawke: "I like hallucinations, so by all means continue"?
Sturm: Huh? I thought it was more like "Oog goog paloog".
Hawke sighs.
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 149
(a.k.a. The Merchant Of Vengeance)
After wandering aimlessly for a significant period of time-
DM: You call a YEAR a "significant period of time"?
Max: Are you objecting because you think it's an understatement, or are you objecting because you think it's an overstatement?
DM: Both.
Max: My head hurts.
E. Gadd: From trying to figure that out?
Max: From the really heavy rock on my head. How long has it been there?
Grit: About a year, I think.
Max: No one else noticed it?
E. Gadd: I failed my Intelligence Check so I thought it was a hat.
Our heroes come upon a sign. It says "Important Plot Device Ahead. Certain Death to the Right. Uncertain Death to the Left. You to the remaining direction."
Max: All right! Let's go for uncertain death!
DM: Not certain death?
Max: Of course not! I'm not stupid.
Grit: Let's go for the plot device. It sounds the most relaxing out of all of them.
And so our heroes went ahead and found a giant castle, with turrets and a drawbridge and a moat and towers and windows and a dungeon and rooms and a dining hall and a treasure room and a guard room and a stable and an extremely talkative narrator.
E. Gadd: An old-fashioned castle! All right! Next we're going to meet an old-fashioned swindler!
The four walk by a merchant.
Merchant: Greetings, everyone! I'm offering a special deal: One solar-activated flashlights for the price of two!
Max: Wow! It's been my dream since two seconds ago to have a solar-powered flashlight!
Grit: Hang on a minute. You look strangely familiar...
Max: Uh, yeah. I've been with you this whole time.
Grit: Not you! The merchant guy!
Merchant: Oh, I have that kind of face.
Grit: You're wearing sunglasses!
Merchant: Um...so that I am. Your point?
Grit: You can't blame your face, as we can't really see it! (pause) Oh, now look what you did! You made me become unrelaxed!
E. Gadd: Let's see if I can be successful with a Mind Reading spell!
DM: Oh, please. Let's not.
E. Gadd: I sense much hatred in you...and pessimism...and overall you seem like a tortured soul.
DM: Um, that's not him. That's me.
E. Gadd: Darn it! And I can only use that spell once a week!
Merchant: So are you buying the solar-activated flashlight?
Max: How much?
Merchant: Well, the price of one is $200. But it's one for the price of two, so it's $400.
Max: Woohoo! I'm not able to do the math because I'm stupid, but that sounds like a great bargain! Do you take credit cards?
Merchant: No.
Max: Check?
Merchant: No.
Max: Paypal?
Merchant: No.
Max: How about-
Merchant: CASH ONLY!
Max: Are counterfeit dollar bills okay?
Merchant: No.
Max: Worn out dollar bills that are almost ready to fall apart?
Merchant: No.
Max: Can I pay the whole thing in pennies?
Merchant: No.
Max: Can I-
Merchant: Forget it!
Grit: You still seem so familiar...but your sunglasses are obscuring your face...
Merchant: Well, I'm not taking them off!
Grit: What if I bought them?
Merchant: How much?
Grit: $300?
Merchant: Ordinarily I like ripping customers off, but...
Grit: $400, and that's my final offer.
Merchant: Fine! Fine! Man, the things I do to get money...
Max: Well, after all, money is one of the Five Great Motivating Forces. The other four are love, hate, revenge, and power. Virtually everything we do is because of at least one of those.
Everyone stares at Max.
Max: What? I'm a part-time philosopher, didn't you know that?
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 150
Previously, Black Hole finally got their list of all the ways an invasion might be foiled, no matter how silly, written down. Then they backed it up and made a list of all the ways the back-up and original might be destroyed. And now they're making a list of all the ways that newest list might be destroyed.
-Black Hole-
Sturm: Finally...done.
Adder: But what if someone destroys THAT list?
Sturm: Oh, who cares? The odds of that are-
Suddenly, the list of all the ways the original list and back-up could be destroyed caught on fire and was destroyed. Then the back-up copy blew up. And then the original was moved by the wind (which is odd, as there was no wind) into the paper shredder.
Sturm: ARGH!
Oops, my mistake. It didn't go into the paper shredder. It's fine.
Sturm: Phew! Okay, we know how to counteract all of the things we thought up. So now...we invade!
-Green Earth-
Green Earth Citizen: Black Hole is invading again!
Suddenly, for absolutely no reason, a black hole appears next to the Black Hole troops, but nothing happens to them.
Black Hole Soldier: Good thing we made those "anti-black hole" suits.
The black hole then sucks itself up, violating a good number of the laws of physics. The Physics Police came to arrest the black hole, but in the end decided that being swallowed by yourself was a suitable punishment.
-Orange Star-
Andy: Uh-oh. Black Hole's troops are invading.
Just then, a meteor lands right where Black Hole's troops are. When the smoke clears, the soldiers are fine.
Black Hole Soldier: It's a good thing we made that meteor neutralizer!
And you get the idea. In Yellow Comet and Blue Moon, Black Hole invades and totally ridiculous things happen, but they had a plan to deal with them.
-Black Hole-
Sturm: Ha! And they said it was a waste of time to think up all of the unexpected events and prepare for all of them!
Hawke: Who is "they"?
Sturm: Actually, T.H.E.Y. to be exact. It stands for They Have Every Yeti.
Hawke: That doesn't make sense.
Sturm: Well, there's no synonym for "secret" that begins with a Y. So they had to improvise.
Meanwhile, in the diary of a Blue Moon Soldier:
The war goes badly. Black Hole has already conquered one third of our land. And to think we were bored and wanted a war! We were fools! FOOLS! Heh, heh. You thought I meant all that, didn't you? Ha! Tricked you! The truth is Black Hole is in control of HALF of Blue Moon, and that I'm the first soldier to get killed in this. Being a poltergeist is cool, because then you can still use solid objects, like pens. Then you can write stuff. Like this. Uh...yeah. GO POLTERGEISTS! THEY RULE!
Do poltergeists rule? Will Black Hole conquer the world? Will the Green Earth COs EVER get back from their zany adventures? Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.875!
Read on!