Parts 131 to 140
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 131
(a.k.a. Our Market Research Shows That Readers Like Really Long Part Names So We Made This Part To Have The Absolute Longest Part Name Ever, Or OMRSTRLRLPNSWMTPTHTALPNM For Short. No, Wait. I Mean, OMRSTRLRLPNSWMTPTHTALPNMOOFSNWIM For Short. No, It Should Be OMRSTRLRLPNSWMTPTHTALPNMOOFSNWIMFSNISB. Wait, It Now Should Be...Oh, Forget It)
Sonja: Okay. Now, this isn't going to hurt a bit.
DM: That's what you said for the last twelve horribly painful tests!
Sonja: You didn't let me finish. This won't hurt a bit. It'll hurt a LOT.
DM: Well, at least you're being truthful.
Grit: DM, you're supposed to make us super-strong. So we can break out of these cables holding us down. So why, pray tell, are we unable to do so?
DM: I don't know! It's not like I WANT to be on this stupid adventure. You just made me do so because I owed you a favor after you helped me stop that war.
Max: Bah. You should've just used tanks to stop the war.
E. Gadd: Well, if you're so freaking useless, why do we keep you along?
Grit: Shouldn't we just focus our energy on trying to escape? And where'd Sonja go anyway? She hasn't been talking for quite some time.
E. Gadd: Quick! Roll a die for an Intelligence check to see if it occurs to us that she left!
Grit: Oh, just shut up, you guys. It's so unrelaxing.
Grit gets up, snapping all of the stuff that was tying him down.
Grit: Interesting.
DM: What do you know? My powers are strengthening you guys after all!
Grit: Strange they weren't before.
Max: I know why they weren't! You weren't thinking happy enough thoughts!
DM: Please help me out of these straps, Grit. Then please allow me to kill him.
Max: Look! Yet another PERFECT place to end the part, and then they flubbed it!
DM: Max, YOU were the one that ruined it!
Max: Aha! That's what they WANT you to think!
DM: Please let me out. Urge to kill rising.
E. Gadd: You'll have to wait your turn for your Strength check.
DM: Okay, that is it. After we get through with this "test", I'm leaving this group and getting back to my old life. ANYTHING is better than having to stay with you guys.
Grit: DM, I don't want to help you out if you're just going to kill someone as soon as you're out.
DM: Okay, fine, I won't kill them...YET.
Grit: That's all I asked.
Grit sets DM, Max, and E. Gadd free.
Grit: Wait. Why couldn't Max and E. Gadd, who were presumably powered up by DM, escape themselves?
Max: They weren't thinking happy enough thoughts.
DM: THAT'S IT! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! YOUR STUPIDITY IS JUST SO...STUPID! IT GETS ANNOYING! IT'S LIKE YOU'RE TRYING TO WIN A STUPIDITY CONTEST, BUT YOU'RE TOO STUPID TO TAKE A STUPIDITY TEST!
Grit: Technically, he's only stupid because you're powering him up. Actually, that probably explains the dysfunctionality among all of us. We're acting out of character because it's a side effect of you.
DM: Please don't interrupt my rants. It gets annoying.
E. Gadd: No, no, this is a good point. If the powering-up really never helps us, and our dysfunctionality stems from its side effects, what's the point of having you around?
Max: Showing an unusual amount of intelligence, I would suggest that we get out of here before anything bad happens. And, going back to my usual idiocy, I think we should ignore all the evidence that this is not merely an "Advance Wars whose history has gone wrong" and is something far more goofy. I would've said sinister, as it would sound better, but goofy is more accurate. Er, I mean more inaccurate. I mean inaccurate instead because I'm oblivious to the fact that it's inaccurate, even though it is.
Everyone stares blankly at Max.
Max: What? Was it something I said?
DM: To any deities, holy symbols, or any other random all-powerful beings currently listening, could you PLEASE somehow get me out of this nightmare?
Meanwhile, in a completely different story, with characters that, despite sharing names with some of the characters in this story, are different people. We join them right after a book Seth was holding spontaneously burnt up...
Max enters the room.
Max: Okay, I checked. The scientific standard for determining impossibility is-
Seth: WHY SHOULD I CARE?! MY BOOK WAS BURNT UP! (suddenly completely calm) Max, what were the odds of that happening?
Max: Rather good, considering that the temperature in this room is four hundred fifty-one degrees Fahrenheit.
Seth: Oh. And here I was thinking I had a fever.
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 132
Previously, in a crossover that was an attempt to justify the "two-story" format, DM and the rest of those guys were all captured by Yellow Comet for presumably being Orange Star spies. But they escaped.
-Yellow Comet-
Sonja: Uh, I have some bad news.
Kanbei: What?
Sonja: Uh, those guys I was conducting tests on escaped.
Kanbei: You have brought dishonor upon Yellow Comet by doing that! You must be executed!
Some Yellow Comet guards come in and start dragging Sonja away.
Sonja: How does killing me preserve honor?
Kanbei: It doesn't. But if enough people aren't executed, I get lowered pay.
Sonja: You're in charge of that! Why would you get lowered pay?
Kanbei: That is top-secret information! Just like why it's taking so long for you to be dragged out of this room.
Yellow Comet Guard: That's nothing top-secret. We're just really slow at dragging people out of rooms.
The guards drag Sonja completely out of the room.
Kanbei: I hope I wasn't too hard on her. Well, I'm suer she'll come out of this better. After all, "what does not kill you makes you stronger"!
-Orange Star-
Nell: Whatever happened to those spies I sent to Yellow Comet anyway?
Sami: I don't know. There was all of this stuff about these guys that weren't even spies on the news.
Andy: Where's Max anyway? He's mysteriously disappeared.
Nell: Hmmm. Interesting question. The same thing has also happened to Grit.
Sami: How do we know that?
Nell: We don't. That's how we know.
Sami: But how...oh, forget it. There's no point in ever arguing with you.
-Blue Moon-
Olaf: Where is Grit?
Colin: I don't know.
Olaf: Oh no! This is terrible! Grit was the only person that was keeping us from falling into total chaos! (pause) Oh well. LET THE CHAOS BEGIN!
-Green Earth-
Green Earth Citizen: Ah, it's nice to be in Green Earth. Blue Moon is in chaos, Orange Star is being attacked by Black Hole, and Yellow Comet is just boring. We're the only country that something bad ISN'T happening, despite the fact that our COs are away having zany adventures.
Green Earth Citizen 2: Isn't the fact that nothing interesting is happening constitutes this place as "boring", and thus no better than Yellow Comet?
Green Earth Citizen: No. They've got the bad kind of boring. We've got the GOOD kind of boring.
-Black Hole-
Sturm: Excellent news! We are now in control of more of Orange Star! At our present rate of conquest, Orange Star will all be ours at some point in the future!
Flak: We're smashing stuff, right?
Sturm: Um, yes.
Flak: Ah, yes. Smashing. I wrote this thought-provoking poem about it. It says-
Sturm: Please don't read it to me.
Flak: Why?
Sturm: Did you ever read The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy? It mentions the worst three kinds of poetry. Now, had they heard YOUR poetry, it would have been in front place in terms of badness.
Flak: That's good, right?
Sturm: No it isn't! Just because we're evil doesn't mean we can stand bad poetry!
Flak: Sigh. If only there was some way to somehow make use of this poetry and also harm our enemies...
Sturm: Yeah. I guess we'll never manage to figure out a way. What a shame.
Flak: Yep.
Now that they're free, what will happen to DM, E. Gadd, Grit, and Max? Where are the "real" Grit and Max? Is this crossover stuff a good idea? Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.875!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 133
(a.k.a. )
NOTE: Our market research shows that readers like really short part names so we made this part to have the absolute shortest part name ever, or "There is actually no freaking part name" in more simple terms.
Grit: Okay, now we just need to figure out how to escape from this room.
Our heroes suddenly are transported to someplace else.
Grit: That was weird.
E. Gadd: It was a random transporter! They pop up occasionally, but are very rare. The odds of that happening were...low, but within 1 in 10 to the 50th power, because otherwise it would be impossible by the scientific standard.
Max: Ooh! Ooh! I think we should-
DM: -do something extraordinarily stupid?
Max: Well, that's a good idea, but I was going to suggest doing something really smart.
Grit: We should just stay here and relax. A solution will present itself eventually.
DM: And if it doesn't?
Grit: In the event that our relaxing was not justified, at any rate we will have relaxed.
Max: But relaxing just isn't relaxing unless there are tanks involved.
E. Gadd: Or ghosts or D&D involved.
DM: Or...or...what do I like again?
Grit: Beats me. You're the pessimist of the group.
DM: I'm not a pessimist! Sure, I think of those half glasses as half empty, and I think that there will be a nuclear war-
Max: No there won't. They already did that story line.
DM: Don't interrupt! As I was saying, sure, I do always see the negative side of things, but does that make me a pessimist?
Grit: Actually, yes.
DM: I hate you.
Grit: Exactly.
DM: What I said before still stands. After we get back to Weird Figure I'm leaving this stupid expedition.
Max: Gee, DM, you used to be such a cheerful guy. What happened?
DM: Reality.
Max: Ah.
Grit: So I say we just relax.
A fair amount of relaxing later...
Max: Phew! Who ever knew that relaxing could be so exhausting?
Grit: You just have to practice to get it right. Try wearing sunglasses.
Max: But if I wear sunglasses, I'll look exactly like I do wearing sunglasses!
DM: This "relaxing" is rather unrelaxing. When will this "solution" appear?
Grit: Oh, it'll be here.
A person walks by them.
Person: Hello. I found this piece of paper that will completely solve your problems. But I don't really know what to do with it. Would you guys take it off my hands?
Grit: Sure.
So the person gives it to Grit, then leaves. Grit looks at it.
Grit: Hmm...this could be the answer to all our problems.
Max: Well, that's what the person said, wasn't it?
Grit: Apparently, we have to prevent Black Hole from conquering Orange Star. It seems we didn't have to do anything about Yellow Comet after all. So let's GET OVER THERE AND STOP BLACK HOLE!
Max: Where are we, though?
Grit: Hmmm. Good point. We'll need to know if we want to get to Orange Star.
E. Gadd: Because I succeeded in my Perception check, look over there!
E. Gadd points to a sign in front of our heroes. It says "This Is Orange Star. Yes, Orange Star. Now A Sign That Said Blue Moon Because After Advance Wars They Didn't Take It Down. That Gag Was Done In Advance Wars 2.5"
Grit: How did we miss that?
Max: It doesn't matter! All we have to do is get some tanks, and then pulverize Black Hole!
Grit: It might not be that simple. We-
Max: TANKS!!!
Grit: No, no. You got it wrong. It was �Tanks!!!�. The whole thing wasn�t capitalized.
Max: Oh.
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 134
(a.k.a. Just Another Part)
Grit: Well, better go and help Orange Star out before Black Hole conquers them.
Max: SO LET'S GO GET SOME TANKS!
Max runs off.
Grit: Where does he think he's going to get some tanks?
Max runs back.
Max: That's a good point. Maybe we should get some Tanks.
Grit: Hmmm. Maybe I could get Blue Moon to help. They do owe Orange Star after their previous invasion in Advance Wars. But then again, Blue Moon DID help them out against Sturm, so maybe that makes up for it.
E. Gadd: You don't think they'd just help Orange Star out of the goodness of their heart?
Grit: I'd burst out laughing at that, if that weren't so out of character.
Max: Well, we're in Orange Star, so we at least know Blue Moon is next door.
Our heroes suddenly notice a sign saying "The other sign is lying. But we were too lazy to correct it, so we made this new one. This is Blue Moon."
DM: Um, a sign can't "say" something. It doesn't speak. It can have things written on it, but never "says" anything.
Your point?
DM: It's a mistake! And, signs can't "lie", as they aren't sentient.
Hey, sentences aren't supposed to start with "And"!
DM: Well, maybe. But I was saying that out loud. You see, dialogue can frequently bypass some of the more formal rules of the English language. Now, double negatives, for example, are still considered incorrect, or at least I think so, but there are some things people can get away with. People can more commonly use sentence fragments in speech, for example.
Okay, okay! I don't need a lecture!
DM: Yes you do!
No I don't!
DM: Yes you do!
No I don't!
Grit: Who are you talking to, DM?
DM: The narrator! Didn't you hear him/her/it talking?
Him/her/it?
DM: I don't know your gender!
Grit: Uh, DM, you're talking to people who aren't there and hearing voices no one else does. Don't you think it's likely that you're going insane?
DM: I went insane a LONG time ago. And I blame you guys for it, by the way.
Max: But if it was a long time ago, doesn't that imply it was a long time ago, i.e. before this adventure started? It started a while ago, but not so long ago it would qualify as being a "long time".
DM: Hey! I'M the literalist here!
Max: You WERE the literalist. Now you're the bitter pessimist.
Grit: Well, I'm a Blue Moon CO. Maybe I can convince the Olaf of this universe, er, dimension, to help us out.
E. Gadd: And let's try not to talk on the way, okay? When we talk, we get nowhere fast. Just like on 8-bit theater.
DM: I thought it was "theatre".
E. Gadd: Hey, I'm just the D&D-obsessed guy. Don't ask me about the real world.
There is a pause.
Max: ANOTHER perfect place to end the part! And, once again, we blew it! Argh.
Grit: Would you stop doing that EVERY time there's a decent line to end the part on?
There is a pause.
Max: See? There it is again!
E. Gadd: See, this is what I said about why we should all be quiet. Now stop it or I'll have to cast a Silence spell on all of us.
And so our heroes walk in semi-silence to wherever it is they're going.
Grit: Ah, there it is. The Blue Moon base. Uh, its location is top-secret. None of you guys will tell, right?
DM: Depends. How much money is the information worth?
Max slaps DM.
DM: Uh, I mean, sure.
And so our heroes enter the base. And that's the end of this part.
Max: See, now THAT'S what I'm talking about.
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 135
Previously, something attacked something.
-Blue Moon-
Olaf: Ah, there you are, Grit! I was wondering what had happened to you!
Grit: Um, yeah. I was hoping we could help Orange Star out against Black Hole.
Olaf: Hmmm! Ordinarily I'd say no, but ever since I got hit in the head a few dozen times, I've been more agreeable than normal.
-Black Hole-
Lash: Bad news! Blue Moon has decided to aid Orange Star and is helping beat back our forces!
Sturm: Argh! An unexpected factor!
Lash: That Blue Moon would help Orange Star?
Sturm: That some other random thing happened.
Lash: Huh?
Sturm: Our Market Research Shows That Readers Like Really Long Part Names So We Made This Part To Have The Absolute Longest Part Name Ever, Or OMRSTRLRLPNSWMTPTHTALPNM For Short.
Lash: Huh?
Sturm: Oh, drat. Lord Seth must've forgotten to remove that from his clipboard. You see, usually he has "Lord Seth" on the clipboard. The clipboard is where text that was cut or copied goes, and when you try to "paste" text in, it pastes what's on the clipboard. I was about to say Lord Seth, and he must have wanted to paste it in so he wouldn't have to type the whole thing. But he forgot that there was something else on his clipboard.
Lash: That isn't funny at all.
Sturm: It's not funny if I have to explain it.
Lash: I understood it. You didn't have to explain it.
Sturm: ...Touch�.
Lash: So what are we planning to do?
Sturm: I don't know! Who do I look like, Hawke?
Lash: Good point.
A while later...
Hawke: Well, it's over. We've been driven from Orange Star.
Adder: We should've just gone for Green Earth first. They had the most trouble fighting us off in Advance Wars 2. Hey, why didn't we attack them?
Flak: We did. But all our troops got sucked into a black hole that showed up spontaneously. Man, even I knew that.
Lash: Well, what happened to the black hole?
Flak: Well, either it got sucked into itself, or a new black hole appeared and the two got sucked up into each other.
Lash: Neither of those makes sense.
Flak: They make sense to me!
Lash: That's because you're an idiot who has no grasp of science.
Flak: Yeah, well...your science is so fat, it needs two watches; one for each time zone!
Lash: That makes no sense.
Flak: Oh yeah? Well your sense is so poor that...uh...let me think here...it had something to do with being poor...
Lash: Can I PLEASE use him for my next experiment?
Hawke: Will it make him smarter?
Lash: If it works.
Hawke: And if it doesn't?
Lash: He'll die.
Hawke: Good. It's win-win.
-Orange Star-
Nell: We are victorious! And we did it all ourselves.
Sami: It was only because of Blue Moon we won.
Nell: Oh yeah? Well...uh...oh, forget it. I've got nothing.
-Blue Moon-
Grit: Well, we've accomplished our mission. Should we not be transported back?
DM: After which I am TOTALLY out of this stupid adventure.
Max: Great. Another cast change.
Was that a good ending line? Will there be another cast change? When will Weird Figure bring our heroes back? Are too many of these questions related to Zany Insanity and not Classic? Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.875!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 136
(a.k.a. Interlude)
This has nothing to do with either story line. It's just a bunch of random skits. If you wish to not destroy the remaining intelligence you have, do not read this.
-Some Random House-
A knock is heard on the door. The person in the house answers it.
Person: Yes?
Salesman: Hello! I'm here to sell you insurance!
Person: I already have insurance.
Salesman: Aha! But I don't think you have insurance against people who SELL insurance!
Person: What?
Salesman: You know, those really annoying guys who go door to door asking people to buy insurance that you don't need. But if you buy our insurance against insurance agents, then you will be insured against them. We really hate those insurance sellers, so we're offering you a way to stop them!
The person stares at the insurance agent, then slowly closes the door.
Salesman: You'll be sorry when those insurance agents come! YOU'LL BE SORRY!
Meanwhile, in another insurance-related topic...
Mafia Boss: Isn't this great? We threaten people with fires, so they buy our top-of-the-line fire insurance for three times the rate of our leading competitors. It's great!
An Insurance Agent enters wherever they are.
Insurance Agent: Greetings! Could I interest you in some insurance?
Mafia Boss: We SELL insurance. We don't BUY it.
Insurance Agent: You never know what might happen. You might spontaneously catch on fire and burn to death. You'd want fire insurance then, wouldn't you? You might drown in a flood. You'd want flood insurance then, wouldn't you? You might die in other sort of horrible ways. You'd want insurance to cover that, wouldn't you?
Mafia Boss: If you don't leave right now, you'll need all kinds of insurance.
Insurance Agent: Ooh, good point.
Meanwhile, in something that has nothing to do with insurance...
The burglar alarm goes off in a house. In the basement...
Person: What are you doing?
Person 2: Testing the burglar alarm!
Person: And why, pray tell, would you do that IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT?!
Person 2: Hey, when do you THINK we'd have a burglary?
Meanwhile, in the ending questions...
When would they have a burglary? Should we actually have ending questions here? Was this just recycling of a gag from Advance Wars 2.5? Will the story ever get anywhere? Will I ever run out of questions? Will I stop using questions that start with "will"? Tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.875! No, that's too typical an ending. Hey, how's this? Don't forget to tune in next time, to Advance Wars 2.875! Ah, that's much better. Or is it?
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 137
(a.k.a. The Beginning Of The Middle)
DM: I'm waiting, Weird Figure! Will you transport us back?
E. Gadd: Yeah! Beam us up, Weirdy!
Everyone stares at E. Gadd.
E. Gadd: What? Am I the only one here that's a fan of Star Trek?
Max: Now, see, if that were at the end of a part-
Everyone: SHUT UP, MAX!
Grit: We still haven't been transported back.
Max: Aha! It must be because...uh...well, something about not doing what we really had to yet.
Grit: Joy. Now we have to, all over again, figure out what it is Weird Figure wants us to do, and then do it. It's so exhausting and not relaxing.
DM: Or, alternatively, we could just stand here like morons and do nothing but talk.
Max: I like it!
There is a pause.
DM: Uh, E. Gadd? Isn't this normally the time you burst in with one of your annoying "Checks"?
E. Gadd: What do you mean?
DM: You know, like a "Talking Check" or an "Intelligence Check" or something.
E. Gadd: Oh, please. Only some weirdo who's totally out of touch with reality would do THAT kind of thing. And, because I'm not some weirdo that's totally out of touch with reality, I clearly wouldn't do such a thing, as I am not some weirdo that's totally out of touch with reality. It's just what people who aren't weirdos that are totally out of touch with reality do.
Grit: Ah, talking. Much nicer than having to go around and stop wars. Not to mention it lets me finally act in character. Like this. Or at least I think this is in character. With Lord Seth, anything goes.
Max: What is it I'm supposed to say to statements like that?
Grit: Probably something along the lines of "I'd say something that's something along the lines of "I'd say something that's something along the lines of "I'd say something that's something along the lines of...
Much, much later...
Grit: ..."""". That's what you'd probably say.
DM: While you were busy talking in that weird infinite thing of yours, I think I finally figured out what it was Weird Figure wants us to do.
Grit: Oh?
DM: We probably have to go in and crush Black Hole.
Grit: Aw, man! I was hoping it would be something nice and easy.
E. Gadd: Why are you so uncaring?
Grit: I'm not uncaring. I'm just laidback. And if I can say I don't caer about Black Hole "setting up shop" in Blue Moon in Advance Wars 2, I think it's in character for me to say I don't want to bother going over there.
DM: Well, if it gets us out of this stupid place, we should do it!
Suddenly, all our heroes disappear. They reappear in a cave. Weird Figure is there.
Weird Figure: Well, you did manage to do what you were supposed to.
DM: And why didn't you bring us back immediately?
Weird Figure: My transporter was broken, okay? You think it's easy to beam people across realities?
Grit: Regardless. Now you're supposed to tell us where we find all of the captured people.
DM: Not to mention finally set me free of this insane adventure.
Weird Figure: Maybe, but first I have to say something. Ancient prophecies speak of-
Max: And what are these "ancient prophecies"?
Weird Figure: Writings on a public bathroom stall I saw. Oh, and a fortune cookie.
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 138
Previously, Orange Star fended off Black Hole's attack.
-Blue Moon-
Olaf: Ah, Grit! There you are! Where were you?
Grit: Well, it was pretty weird. I-
Olaf: Sorry, but you've exceeded my attention span.
Grit: I've seen you pay attention for things longer than that.
Olaf: Yeah, but those were things I was interested in.
Grit: It was a presentation on the advantages of using the terrain of forests against units, except with a lot more complicated-sounding words.
Olaf: Oh, that? I wasn't really paying attention. I was just pretending! Just like I am right now.
Grit: Oh.
Olaf: Now excuse me while I go do something that will keep my attention span paying attention. You know, like rambling on like this.
Olaf leaves. Or Olaf exits. Take your pick.
-Black Hole-
Sturm: Another excellent plan ruined by something completely unexpected.
Hawke: Well, the lesson here is clearly to expect the unexpected.
Adder: But if we expect the unexpected, doesn't the unexpected become the expected, and thus we wouldn't expect it?
Hawke: No. You're assuming we can't expect the expected. We will.
Flak: Yeah, but it just seems a contradiction to expect something you're not expecting. You know, kinda like how if I were to say "All Black Hole COs are liars."
Lash: That's actually not really a contradiction. You see, "liar" is a bit loosely defined. Suppose we define it as someone who has lied at least once. That's all of us. Thus, the statement is true. But just because you HAVE lied doing mean you ARE lying. Thus there is no contradiction. Another definition for "liar" is someone who chronically lies. Again, no contradiction. Chronic liars and tell the truth. However, the definition "liar" here seems to be someone that ALWAYS lies. But that's still not a paradox. What if it's only SOME that are liars? Saying that all are liars when only some are liars is a lie, isn't it? That means the person stating it could be one of the truth-tellers, or at least one of the people who doesn't only lie. Thus, no actual paradox.
Lash notices everyone is staring at her.
Lash: What? I'm just trying to solve the mysteries of the universe here!
Adder: How about you start with what goes on in that head of yours?
Sturm: Ooh, good comeback. Almost as good as the comeback I thought of.
Adder: And what was that?
Sturm: Aha!
Adder: THAT'S your comeback?
Sturm: You don't like it?
Adder: No.
Sturm: Aha!
-Green Earth-
Green Earth Citizen: Man, having all your COs away having zany adventures REALLY lowers your amount of camera time.
Does that lower your amount of camera time? What will Black Hole's next nefarious plot be? Where was Grit anyway? And why the heck do I waste time with all these questions anyway? Well, come by next time, to Advance Wars 2.875!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 139
(a.k.a. Boring Prophecies)
Weird Figure: Anyway, the prophecies say that four legendary heroes shall emerge to combat evil and do other good stuff.
Grit: Wow! Are we the four?
Weird Figure: No.
Grit: Oh.
Weird Figure: Well, maybe. But I'm not sure. You might be after all. So it's time to send you on another-
DM: Oh, no you're not. I am NOT staying with these guys any longer.
Weird Figure: What a shame. That means we need to have a character to take your place.
Max: Wait! We need to wait to see the fan's reaction to whether or not DM should exit! I mean, if fans like him, then he should stay. Because then they'd get angry if he left.
DM: And I care about that because?
Max: You don't want to disappoint readers! They're a fickle bunch!
DM: Oh, joy. This whole part will be filler just so that we can see the reaction of the readers after it's posted, right?
Max: More or less.
Meanwhile, somewhere else...
Eagle: Wow! These zany adventures sure are fun!
Drake: Aren't you worried about what's happening back on Green Earth while we're away?
Eagle: Not particularly. The worst that's happened is that they're not getting any screen time.
Drake: You're not worried about Black Hole attacking them?
Eagle: Nope. Not at all.
Jess: I hate to come in and cut in, especially when it didn't even say I came in-
Eagle: Wait. What's this "it" that didn't say you came in?
Jess: Uh...
Eagle: Ah, that's what I thought. And now, to the next zany adventure!
Drake: Joy. We never go into detail about what these adventures actually are.
Eagle: Why does it matter? It's not like there's a bunch of people watching us right now.
Meanwhile, in more filler...
Lord Seth: It's time for me to shamelessly use this story to further my political agenda. You know, where I say what I think should be done. It's all rather shameful and ends up offending everyone who disagrees. Well, here it goes. I think Sierra needs to bring out more games in the The Incredible Machine series, or at the very least a "treasury" set that includes all of them. And Cartoon Network should renew Megas XLR. And now back to the story which has no hidden messages.
In still more filler...
One day tHEre was a boy who was supposed to warn the viLlage if there was a wolf that was going to attack. He was supPosed to tell theM bY Screaming at the toP of his lungs "A WOLF IS HERE!" rather than use a mEgaphone, which I guess is a bit understandabLe, as they weren�t INvented yet. As a prank, he did so, so all of the villaGers got out of their beds, took out weapons, and went to attack the imagiNary wolf, which is strangE as you really don't nEeD that much to kill a wolf. Anyway, they all got annoyed when they realized there waS no WOlf. So they told the boy to stop it and went back. The next night, the boy did it again and they got even more angRy. The night after that, the boy, who was too uncreative to think up new pranKs, did it again. The villagers, rather than put someone competent in charge of watching for wolves, just got more annoyed. The next night, the boy saw a real wolf and screamed to the village that there was a wolf. But the villagers didn't believe him. Then The boy screamed "THERE'S A DANGEROUS ANIMAL HERE THAT ISN'T A WOLF!". Despite the fact the boy was only supposed to be looking for wolves and not other animaLs, the villagers all went out to fight the strange beast the boy (who we really need to think up a name for) had screamed about. But they saw it was just a wolf, not something that wasn't a wolf, and all went home grumbling because the boy didn't tell them the truth. The boy was then eaten by the wolf, and they all lived haPpily ever after.
Moral: Wolves are people, too!
Advance Wars 2.875, Part 140
(a.k.a. Fractured Fractured Fairy Tales)
Lord Seth: Okay! It's time for another part that has nothing to do with the story! This is NOT because of writer's block. It's because of writer's cramp, okay? If you have trouble remembering that, just remember "The cramp comes before the block". If you have trouble remembering THAT, just remember "TCCBTB". If you have trouble remembering THAT, then welcome to the club. The "We Can't Remember That Lord Seth Is Suffering From Writer's Cramp, Not Writer's Block" club, to be exact, or "WCRTLSISFWCNWB" for those that have trouble remembering.
Once upon a time there were three pigs. They went for a walk in the forest one day (as their house, which had still not been paid off, was in the forest). Then along came Little Red Riding Hood, or Red Hood for short, as I don't want to bother typing "Little Red Riding Hood" over and over.
Red Hood: Wow! A house! Must enter for no reason!
So Red Hood entered the house only to find Goldilocks already eating the porridge and sitting in the chairs.
Red Hood: What are you doing here?
Goldilocks: Eating porridge and sitting in chairs.
Red Hood: WHY?
Goldilocks: It's an expression of my inner rage towards the upbringing my parents gave me and society as a whole.
Red Hood: Uh, I'm looking for my grandmother's house. Could you-
Goldilocks: It's over there, next door. It's just a mile or so down the road.
So Red Hood left. Just then, a beanstalk spontaneously appeared next to the house and a giant climbed down.
Giant: Fe Fi Fo Fum! Me hungry and unable to use correct English!
The Giant grabbed Goldilocks, who had just eaten some porridge, out of the house. The giant smells her.
Giant: Ooh! Porridge-flavored! My favorite!
Goldilocks: Uh-oh.
So the Giant went back up the beanstalk and ate Goldilocks. Then the pigs returned.
Pig 1: Hey! Someone's been eating MY porridge!
Pig 2: Hey! Someone's been eating MY porridge!
Pig 3: Hey! Someone's been eating MY porridge. Oh, and there's a wolf here.
The wolf, which was annoyed because it took a wrong turn on the way to granny's house, ate all of the pigs and left. Meanwhile, Red Hood reached her grandmother's house and found her in bed.
Red Hood: My, what big eyes you have.
Grandmother: All the better to see you with!
Red Hood: My, what big ears you have!
Grandmother: All the better to hear you with!
And this went on for a while until Red Hood had listed every body part, except for a few the editors made us not mention.
Red Hood: I hate to say this to you, grandmother, but I think you're fat.
Upon hearing the word "fat", the wolf ran in and saw the fat grandmother.
Wolf: Yum! Yum! Yum!
The wolf promptly ate the grandmother, which is a bit creepy, but right now we're more weirded out by how the wolf is managing to talk, despite the fact we took the fact the pigs talked in stride. Unfortunately, the grandmother had too much cholesterol in her and the wolf suffers a fatal heart attack.
A woodchopper person runs in.
Woodchopper: I'm here to kill the wolf!
Red Hood: It's already dead.
Woodchopper: Drat! I have GOT to stop setting my clock a few seconds late.
The woodchopper person leaves.
Red Hood: What a weird day this has been. Well, better get home.
So Weird Hood, um, I mean Red Hood, left for home but got lost in the woods. She met up with two kids named Hansel and Gretl, and they all found a gingerbread house.
Weird Lady Who Owns Gingerbread House: Hey, kids! Come into my house!
The kids, who apparently had parents who never told them "Never go into a gingerbread house with a strange-looking woman", all did so. Then the woman turned out to be the Wicked Witch of the West and put all the kids in the oven. However, realizing they would taste better raw, she removed them and ate them all. However, she was brought to justice by the mighty superhero Pinocchio and his sidekick The Gingerbread Man. The two went on to battle many more evils, like the troll under the bridge, the Legion Of Evil Stepmothers And Stepsisters, and Jar Jar Binks. But none of it matters anyway because it turns out it was just a dream of Sleeping Beauty. And here's where we would ordinarily bother to put the witty end sentence.
Read on!