MY CHILDHOOD & TEEN YEARS
a lonely, hurting child & teen.
I had times of laughter & momentary happiness ,
but true lasting joy always seemed to be out of reach.
Somewhere in our ancestry was conceived a line of
distant, unaffectionate relatives.
The enemy used this to create
dysfunction in my family.
God however is healing
that generational curse.
It was this lack of affection in my life
that plagued me with a deep & epmty loneliness.
I desperately needed even one close relationship.
I had none.
When I was a kid, I used to watch Little House.
I loved that show because I wanted to be just like
Laura Ingalls. I so desperately wanted to have
a dad like hers.
I used to sit & watch Mr. Ingalls being
loving, nurturing & understanding to his kids
& it tore my heart out because I did not have that in my life.
One of my favorite episodes is called
The Lord Is My Shepherd
Where Laura goes to the mountain
to ask God to bring her baby brother back
taking her to Heaven with Him instead,
so her pa will have the son he's always wanted.
On the mountain Laura meets Jonathan
No doubt an angel to protect Laura
till Mr. Ingalls can find her.
When he finally finds her
& they run to each other in tears,
Mr. Ingalls takes his little girl
in his arms, & his love for Laura is quite
overwhelming & heart tugging.
I never watched episodes like that, that tears
weren't streaming down my face.
I had NO doubts Mr. Ingalls loved Laura.
I ached to have an earthly dad that could show his love
just like that.
Unfortunately, I never would have.
My dad simply wasn't capable of giving us love like that.
I never heard the words I LOVE YOU'
or I'M PLEASED WITH YOU' from my dad. To this day,
I find communication with my dad difficult
other than casual conversation.
I assume it's because I still fear rejection.
With my mom it was different than my dad,
She did show amounts of attention whenever I was sick.
It's no wonder I found it almost nice being ill
because it brought the little attention I did get.
One special memory I must share
is a most intimate time I had with my Mom.
It was when I was in labor with my firstborn son.
She was there with me all night long,
holding my hand, supporting me.
That memory is such a treasure to me. "Thanks, Mom".
On a side note, mom has been here for me many other times
She was there when my late husband Issie was dying.
She was there when I was in difficult marriage problems,
Every time it seems throughout my years when life was hard,
She made it a point to be there. She has been a real support,
Not just to me, but to many over the years.
In my 1st year of 7th grade was when I really
went through some crushing blows in my life.
I was 13 years old.
I recall it was mom who decided
since I'd made F's in 6th grade,
if I made F's in 7th grade, I would get punished.
The punishments I got were always a beating with a belt
from my dad & unfortunately for me, I failed the 7th grade.
Every 6 weeks that I had an F', I got another beating.
WHAT I HAVE LEARNED:
For those of you who train up your children by God's word
& give them spankings as instructed in Proverbs,
"NEVER" remove the belt from around your waist
to spank your child. Get a paddle of some kind,
but NEVER spank your child with a part of yourself!
& never EVER punish your child for failures.
You can do devastating emotional damage to your child.
Once the spankings are over, in a short while, go to your kids.
Reassure them that though they had to be disciplined,
you still love them.
You may not approve of wrong choices they make
but let them know that no matter what,
you will always love & accept them.
The discipline I received at home
crossed the line & bordered into abuse.
The way my dad punished me resulted
in my being very afraid of him.
It also produced in me a fear of failure
to the point I was afraid to try at anything.
It was a crippling fear for me for many years.
In my young mind, the message I learned is if I failed,
devastation would follow.
Sadly, that carried over into many aspects of my adult life.
I feared trying to learn anything.
It would be an extremely difficult obstacle to overcome.
Two punishments in particular that I got
will always stand out in my memory.
In the one, I was punished for being
verbally disrespectful to relatives. To this day,
& even then, I don't know what I said
that offended them.
This day was one of the 2 worst days of my life.
I was wearing only a bathing suit & my dad
beat me in our living room in front of everybody there.
He beat me so hard that day I wet the floor.
I was utterly humiliated & ashamed.
When it was over, I had red blood welts
all over the back of my legs.
My mom soaked me in ice water,
but I had bruises anyway.
WHAT I HAVE LEARNED:
Parents, NEVER spank your children in front of others,
especially not in front of their friends.
Punishments should be done privately,
with the only exception being if children
'insist' on misbehaving in public.
They sometimes will test you on this.
And punishments should never leave
any kind of marks, welts, or bruises.
This is NOT what God instructs in Proverbs.
Lastly, NEVER EVER spank your kids when you're angry!
The 2nd worst day for me, was
when report cards had again come out at school.
Sure enough, I had another F.
I walked home slowly that day,
agonizing what I knew was would come.
I simply could not face another beating!
Fear & dread overwhelmed me deeply.
Finally,....I had an idea.
I would beg my dad not to punish me again.
Surely he would listen & be merciful.
I just knew he would understand.
I had to make him understand.
I arrived home & he wasn't there.
I was sent to my parents room to wait.
The time waiting only shredded my spirit.
I don't remember all I said to my dad when he came in.
I do know that I pleaded in utter humility.
My pleas went unheard.......my dad pulled off his belt,
beat me in a fury, & then walked out & "left me".
I was always left feeling such deep abandon & rejection
There I was, alone, totally crushed in spirit,
& feeling very unloved & unwanted.
My dad for some reason, during every beating,
was always angry. I always sensed that
underlying anger coming from him.
It utterly terrified me!
The next grading period when report cards came out,
I got a pen & changed the F to a B.
Let me just say that doing that was very wrong!!!
However, at the time I'd found that pleading was useless
because my dad never even listened.
(Just like I am so sure his dad never listened to him.)
I honestly didn't know what else to do.
I didn't have a mentor, or counselor,
not even my few friends knew what I was going through.
The good thing is that my 2nd year in 7th grade
was much better because I was placed
in a special learning class
& my grades improved to a C average. :o)
WHAT I HAVE LEARNED:
Parents, about discipline.
When your children have done wrong or disobeyed,
sit down & talk to them about it first,
NOT yelling or screaming, but EXPLAIN to them
'WHY' what they have done is wrong.
Kids DO need to understand why.
It's part of their learning process.
It also gives you time to calm down.
Then when they understand, & YOU are calm,
then you discipline.
Shortly after & even beforehand,
remind your kids that you don't like to punish them,
but do so because you are trying to teach them
right from wrong & because you love them.
'ALWAYS WITHOUT FAIL' hug your kids not long after discipline
with loving reassurance.
This gives them a healthy mental balance,
& contrary to what some people believe,
your children WILL love you for even the discipline
as long as they KNOW they are loved.
"Just ask either of my boys".
During those young years of my life
& also through my first two marriages
loneliness overwhelmed me.
It was a black cloud that engulfed my life,
a deep, burning, emptiness. I felt worthless,
like I was no one, & I had no one.
But there was Someone.
Although I didn't always realize it,
GOD was always there, watching over me
& taking special care of me.
The same way God can heal hurts in our lives through people,
He can do the same through any source.
And God was there ministering to me
through the greatest friend I ever had on this earth.
That friend was my dog Gopher.
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Gopher was a stray that showed up at our house one day,
& after repeated visits he chose us to be his' family.
In the 10 plus years he was with us,
he became my best & only real friend.
Many nights when my parents were gone out evenings,
I would sit on our porch steps.
Gopher would faithfully be right by my side.
I would sit there crying my heart out
trying to understand why my parents showed no
loving affection to me like I'd seen other families do.
Sitting there sobbing, Gopher would look me in the eyes
& gently lick my face.
always nuzzling his nose under my arm
causing me to put my arm around him.
At that time in my life,
the Lord through Gopher was my only support
& I thank God today that He put Gopher there for me.
As for my parents,
the heart wrenching question that constantly
replayed itself in my mind was, "what is wrong with me
that they don't love me ? I see OTHER parents LOVE their kids.
Why 'don't' they love ME"?
I certainly had no valid evidence that they did.
At least not in my child's view of life.
And most of all,
nothing in the amount of time
they chose to spend with me
said I love you'.
It was during this time in my life that
in my young heart I began to
draw conclusions from these things.
Truly, I wanted to doubt my feelings,
but things like the lack of affection,
& a visit we once
had from some relatives
only cemented my doubts.
One of my mom's sisters visited
with her husband & 2 children. My dad probably
doesn't even remember this day,
but I was not able to forget it.
My dad was sitting in a chair &
had taken one of my 2 cousins up in his lap.
I'm sitting nearby watching MY dad
holding someone else's child,
& he is tickling them & playing with them.
I was beside myself with disbelief.
I was dumbfounded & unable
to make any sense of seeing my own dad
playing with other children in a way
he had NEVER done with me or my siblings.
The fact that he even held them in his lap
had me stunned.
I was painfully confused.
I could not deny the revolving
door of questions in my head.
"Why don't daddy tickle me that way"?
"Why don't he play with me"?
"Why don't my daddy 'EVER' spend any time with me"?
Questions like these only served to reinforce
my self-drawn conclusions that something
had to be wrong with 'ME'.
Little by little, my doubts
began to surrender to one solid conclusion.
I decided my parents couldn't possibly love me.
Of course I was WRONG about that! Deeply wrong.
But children do not always understand.
I would not see this until much later on.
Since I could not get any visible love & affection
WHAT I HAVE LEARNED:
If 'YOU' don't show love
Art is copyright � Greg Olsen
from my parents, my heart began to search
in other people, and other things.
My search led me into relationships
that were deadly wrong for me.
before it would get better.
"Fathers, Mothers, if you love your sons & your daughters,
NEVER neglect to show them with hugs,
kisses,& TIME spent with them.
Play games with your children.
And those 3 important words, "I love you",
say them each & everyday.
I know for some of you it 'IS' hard
to show to your children things
that YOUR childhood was void of,
but with Jesus you CAN do it.
Make the effort!
to your sons & daughters,
BE SURE they will eventually give up
hope of having any love from you,
& will look for it in 'another' man or woman
and trust me it won't be your choice for them,
& in some cases a very deadly choice for them.
Give them the gift of "YOU",
& you won't have deep regrets later".