CHAPTER 3 - ONGOING CHAPTERS
I have been through untold hardships and sorrows,
including my running away from home
& breaking my parents hearts.
I ran away with a man who was a friend
of my parents & married him.
At a very immature 16, he was 23 years my senior.
In essence I'd married a father figure to fix my past.
But, God's truth is this:
WE cannot 'fix' our past.
We must find healing through God & overcome our past.
That can only be done through Christ.
For me that was a long process.
I was totally unaware he was 40,
because he wasn't honest about his age.
He later confessed his real age, but by then
I was deeply, emotionally, attached to him
& I'd just left an unhappy home, & we were in Texas.
I figured nothing could be lonelier than where I'd come from.
I would eventually find out how VERY wrong I was.
We were married with a false ID & during the 5 1/2
years of marriage I experienced a deeper loneliness
than I care to ever again.
My husband was like my dad in many ways,
which didn't help me at all.
There were times I was so lonely 'I wanted to die'!
I would sit outside many nights talking to God,
weeping & asking Him to just LET me die.
I knew I'd made a horrible mistake, but,
church doctrine', NOT JESUS, said if I divorced,
I was going to hell!
The pain & emptiness finally
overrode the fear of hell & I divorced.
I had learned NOTHING however,
because I'd met another man during that time.
In trying to 'fix' my messed up life,
in less than 2 months, I'd left one marriage
& bad situation & begun another!
It would take those 2 rocky marriages,
one 2 and a half year adulterous, abusive, affair
nearly stripping me of all moral character & dignity,
before I would come to the end of me.
I didn't know it then, but God
was using these things in my life.
I was in the POTTER'S kiln
The fires were purifying but painful.
The chaff was slowly being burned away,
and I was being broken.
Then, & only then, when I had come
to the end of me, I really began to SEE.
I began to see that MY choices,...
MY ideas,...& MY ways,...were crashing me headlong
into brick walls of misery & ungodly dead ends.
Finally, I threw up the white flag of surrender.
Then God, the Master Potter,
took my 'broken & useless life
& with His tender, loving compassion
began to rebuild it.
Since I gave my life to Jesus,
My deepest desire has "ALWAYS" been to please HIM!
It is my sin cursed flesh that causes so many problems.
I 'SO' love God deeply with ALL my heart!
HE is the loving Father I spent ALL my life searching for!
Though I didn't always know HIM,
He's known me before the foundations of the world. Psalm 139.
During the hard times, though I stumbled & fell repeatedly,
& was many times off track & in sin again,
I never lost hope in God.
Satan put up a fight to keep me in sin
But a loving God never gave up on me!
It's not in HIS Character! :o)
With all my heart I praise Him!
I repeatedly called Him to help me
& rescue me, & turn my life around.
I didn't think He was answering my prayers,
but HE WAS! I don't care WHAT we may do,
God is ALWAYS FAITHFUL from everlasting to everlasting!
During the 2 1/2 years that I was involved
in the tumultuous affair following my 2nd marriage,
I began to do something I'd never done.
I prayed time after time in detail
sharing with God I didn't wish to be alone,
not if He didn't require it of me.
And time after time God heard my prayers.
God sent me a wonderful man.
His name was Issie Pineiro
& we were married for 6 years.
For the 1st time, I had a good marriage.
During that time however, tragedy would hit again.
Issie was a military veteran.
He'd served in two wars.
In the Vietnam war he was wounded & nearly killed,
& in the Gulf war he became disabled in an accident.
During a routine medical check,
we learned he had hepatitis C.
He'd had blood transfusions in both
wars & the hep C was discovered in March of 1999.
On July 9th, 2002, just before midnight,
Issie went home to be with the Lord.
The doctor @ the VA hospital
didn't arrive till after midnight,
so Issie's death was logged as July 10.
At least here I can correct that error.
As prepared as I tried to be, I was not
prepared for the depression that
hit a few months after his death.
Badly burned out & run down after
caring for Issie for the 5 months
hepatitis ravaged his body, I sank
into a cruel & relentless depression.
I withdrew from everyone.
For a person as communicative &
talkative as myself, depression
engulfed me & for months I barely spoke.
I couldn't laugh. I couldn't cry.
I finally came to a point
where I lost hope.
Without hope, it sure 'feels' like you
you have nothing to live for.
BUT, the TRUTH is Satan was beating me down
relentlessly with lie upon lie of hopelessness, but
As long as there is GOD, there is always hope!
Five times I tried ending my life.
Four overdoses, the first & last one was close.
I also ended up with 7 stitches to my wrist.
Satan thought he'd destroyed me.
Destruction however, was NEVER in God's plan for me.
It is also NOT in God's plan for YOU!
A loving God kept my life steadfast in His hand.
I'd always been very anti-suicide
& considered it to be like
slapping God in the face. It was just
always unthinkable to me.
When I fully realized I'd done exactly
that to God, my heart was broken.
Let me say something to you.
Don't LET Satan use you to destroy your life!
"If you're reading this & you feel suicidal
then I am talking to YOU!
You fight him with EVERY BREATH you've got!!!
If you feel like ending your life
THAT is Satan speaking to you!!
It is NOT natural for us to want to take our lives.
Satan is out to destroy you, me, & anyone he can!
DON'T let him do this to you, TELL anyone,
Tell EVERYONE you feel like killing yourself
until someone takes you seriously
& gets you into a safe place long enough
to get things corrected & get Satan off your back.
Do whatever it takes!
Slap Satan in the face, not God, by
calling anyone you know & get them praying!
You can EVEN talk to the Holy Spirit yourself,
& just ASK Him to get Satan off your back.
If you don't realize anything else
when you're feeling like dying, REALIZE
IT - IS - SATAN doing that!!!!!!
STOP him by asking someone to help you!!!
That way you will DEFEAT him!!
After my 3rd attempt, my best friend
Steve in Canada talked to my sister &
they agreed I should not go back to
my parents where I'd been staying
for several months.
The depression had only worsened while there.
Steve & I had met online @ Child of God
Christian chat in 2000. Very few times in life
does one find more than one best friend.
Steve & I became BEST of friends easily.
But when in the depression I was so withdrawn,
I would barely even talk to him.
But Steve was devoted to our
friendship. From 1100 miles away,
he called me everyday.
Steve also had people praying for me,
"Thank YOU God"! And thank you Steve!
Though I must have kept Steve
very worried for some time,
he never gave up on me.
He & my sister gave me two options,
upon leaving the hospital the 3rd time.
I could either go to my sister's
or come to Canada to Steve's.
In either case there would be
someone to watch over me & keep me
from recurrent attempts of suicide.
I opted to go to my sister's.
My sister lived in Mississippi @ the time
& I remained there for 6 weeks.
The depression began to fade while staying
with my sister & I began returning to
my old self. Steve still called me
faithfully every day.
To make a long story shorter,
I eventually came to Canada &
stayed for a few years.
& I am finally, fully recovered from
that nightmare of Satan's depression.
It's taken some time, but I'm
learning to trust life & God again.
I'd been very UNJUSTLY angry @ God.
As prepared as I felt I was when
Issie died, the event was devastating.
Learning to trust God again with my life
has taken a while. I had blamed Him
because I felt He'd pulled the rug
out from under me.
I was so wrong!! God was NEVER to blame.
Satan was out to destroy me, but
God meant this trial for His
glory & He's made me stronger because of it.
My heart remains steadfast to
fully give my life to God's use
& to lead others to Jesus
& the abundant life He gives.
Jesus has set me free from the death-grip of sin,
from bondage, & tons of emotional baggage,
things I carried around WAY too long.
In fact, in some very significant ways,
I'm still being set free of things
over the course of my remaining life here.
I truly believe God's healing is an ongoing process for many,
if not for all of us.
Not because He can't heal us instantly,
but because we couldn't handle it.
No longer burdened by the emotional dependency
that once ruled my every step,
I am now FREE to live life more fully for Jesus.
I forever owe Him my life,
for that is what 'HE' gave up for me.
How COULD I possibly offer Him anything less?
Because of HIM, & the loving acceptance
He's revealed through His precious Holy Spirit,
& wonderful, supportive, Christian families,
I am at last truly living a joy-filled life.
I finally LOVE me!!
I no longer feel worthless or unloved.
I know God has "FILLED" my heart
with HIMSELF & HIS unconditional love!
It no longer matters if no one else loves me,
I KNOW without a doubt that the Sovereign
Creator of the universe loves & fully accepts ME!
I no longer feel ruined by sin
because I know who I am 'IN HIM'!
I no longer identify with the events of my past.
God has adopted me & all believers into HIS family.
Now I am HIS! :o)
HE is my Father & I am HIS daughter,
adopted into HIM by the Holy Spirit.
His word is TRUE no one, not Satan, not ANYBODY
can EVER separate us from Him & His love!(ROMANS 8:38, 39)
Today I also understand that my parents did love me.
And, I love them too even though
we still have difficulty showing it sometimes.
They too suffered through childhoods
that were hard & not always great,
& there were things their parents didn't
or couldn't give to them for whatever reasons.
My parents made mistakes raising me
just as I made mistakes raising my sons.
Yet, just as God & my sons have forgiven me
for missing the mark,
I too forgive my dad & mom
for when they missed the mark.
NO ONE is born a perfect mother or father.
That is a learned process with time & experience.
If we haven't been taught parenting skills
then it's likely, we too
will really make some major blunders.
That's why it's so important
that we learn from our mistakes
& work at being better.
The best way to learn from our mistakes
is go to God & find out in His word the right way to live.
He DOES have ALL the answers, as so many have found.
You know,........I have lost many things in my life,
but ONE thing I haven't lost & NEVER will lose
is Jesus & the love HE has for me!
Nothing & no one, not even Satan
can take Him or His love away from me.
Not even death. In fact, to die is "GAIN",
for that's when at last, I shall behold HIM!!!!
"I truly long & yearn for that day!"
"Jesus, KING of MY heart, King of Glory,
& the ONE TRUE Love of my life!
I eagerly await the day when I'll see YOU face to face!
At last I'll be perfect & complete 'IN YOU'
You gave Your life for me!
And I'm FOREVER grateful to live, & to give
my life away, for YOU!"
of God's grace and loving mercy.
If you would like some support on your journey toward wholeness,
I am here to talk to at any time. Please email me.
Background Art On This Page - Copyright� Greg Olsen