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Boy did we have some hilarious talks! I really felt like we were argueing over different beliefs after a while. The sessions started being lame. He would ask me why I wouldn't act out my sexual fantasy, saying I was afraid of sex and I was argueing that if I felt like killing someone he wouldn't tell me to act out my fantasy so why this one was calling more for actions than any other bad impulses that would only add pain to sorrow?? |
| I have determined then the partners I was attracted to were simply unsuited to fullfill my other needs and really didn't feel like jumping into something based upon sex. It sounded pretty normal to me. I'm weird this way. After three years of those lovely talks, we hit a bump when I walked in one day saying : 'Dude! We have a problem, after looking up all your books, what you have to offer me is based on beliefs not facts. I already have a religion! So where do we go from here? You are telling me I'm sick cuz of some invisible reasons, I believe it's possible that I might have problems cuz of the Devil being on my case. Neither one of us can proove we are right so what do we do?' I told him I stopped taking the Xanax cold turkey, he almost had a seizure! Supposedly it was dangerous and was meant to be reduced progressevly. I personally reduced it straight to the garbage can and was fine, at least not worse than with it, so who knows. Then he explained to me that for a therapy to work he needs me to believe in it and 'play the game'. To me, those words sounded like a clear admission that psychiatry was an alternative to religion and mine was just as good as his. Great guy though, I'm sure he was able to perform miracles... among those who believed..... |
| I have training in the art of introspection and sorting out emotional garbage. I don't pile up trash, I go over it every day and discard what needs to go instead of stacking up shit and ending up so messed up, I don't know how I feel. And I don't need someone to tell me what I should feel or not. And that's where it comes handy, when you are facing the ever fascinating subject of love. It's important to determine from the start if you are in love with someone, with what you are feeling, with the moments and try to recreate it, with what this person is giving you etc.... We get that compulsive/obsessive type of love for someone unavailable for many different reasons. We have something to learn from it and it's about us. The person don't have any answer but if we look within ourselves, we can find what is it that we get out of the situation that make us want to hang to it. Lots of time, the situation we are in is more satisfying for twisted reasons than the person really is with their presence. Lots of time we hang on to someone cuz we haven't found anyone yet and it gives us a feeling that we have something to look for instead of this unknown, uncertain future and fear that we will never meet anyone to replace the fantasy with reality. |
| Of course, it's frightening to not know what the future holds us for us. Of course, it's scarry and we often take the today and our past as a referrence of what the future will be like. I always said to people who doubt they will meet someone based up on their past experience : 'You never died so I guess you won't!' When I panick over the feeling like of being stuck in my life, I try to project myself in a broader picture to trick myself and get off the pressure of having to do everything now, now, now! There is no missing the boat concept. Just because you see a boat coming in the shore and you recognize the boat as the one you were waiting for and missed it doesn't mean that what you wanted was on board! Me and Angela had that conversation a long time ago, when we were still friends. I'm learning to look into things. The Bible is fullof metaphores, Jesus spoke in Parabola. He is the same God now that He was back then and address in the same manner. He said that the light will be shed by the Holy Ghost in time and we don't always understand things right away. My spiritual advisers always told me to remember that we know God and to use this knowledge to discern how He works in our heart. One day, I was told to go out in my dream and it was said thatI would see Stevie before Easter! I was told as well that it was no longer time for 's' as solution but for 'k' as keys in my life. So I've made a list of the people with a name starting with an 's' and the people starting with a 'k' and went out to see what the dream was all about and meditating the coming up events. I walked into one of my favorite store on the Third street, a Native American store. There was THE most gorgeous manchild I have ever seen in my life with the most gorgeous slanted worf like green eyes. I asked him about dream catchers cuz I wanted to catch a vision to get me to the next level. He told me he would pray for me, such wisdom in his soul for such a young life. |
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