January 20th 2002
Butterfly Catcher.
I'm not even sure I didn't talk myself into it every time I was, well, aside from with Serge.
Sometimes, you want to be in love and the first person crossing your path who fits
the profile, even somewhat, gets it. And I believe that might just be the reason why
I don't fall in love and I haven't since december 31st 1997.
Every time I've been in love with someone, after about 6 months, I woke up
and realise I've been carrying the whole bloody relationship in my head.
We dated, got married, didn't have babies but I've done it all by myself in my head
and that's when I know it's time to break up!
Things always get out of whack from the start. Somehow I have a radar
to pick people who are about to enter some majorly traumatic and dramatic
periods of their lives. I really think, that's some kind of pre-rescueing syndrom.
Since, what happened to them is a few weeks down the road, it's not like I pick
up on some invisible signals but the Big Guy upthere knows what's up so I guess
I make for a great emotional tampon for the soon to be bleeding sucker.
doctor in Monaco with a super duper famous clientele so he passed on to me
all the medical books off his own shelves.
I think it's very important to sort out your feelings and be honest.
I turned Catholic pretty much the year where I started my 3 years of intensive
therapy twice a week cuz I refused to get out of the house.
Both are very similar and are based upon self examination and introspection.
They propose you to reflect on your thoughts and actions to find the roots
of your limitations and push them further or bomb them out once and for all.
sort out our everyday life sorrows. Psychology gave new names to sins
and psychiatrists help you understand the source of your own evil and
find reasons why you are dysfunctional and forgive yourself.
That's exactly what confession was doing until some idiots decided they
could not be judged by a Priest (like we are) cuz he is not perfect so confession
was bullcrap. Why? Psychology is a precise science? And your psy is perfect??
One of fundamental principle of confession is to go somewhere to voice out loud your
sorrows/sins. We all know stating outl loud things make us face things by making them
real and that's what talking on a sofa is known for doing. You could talk to your plant
and have the same results, it's all about you, you with yourself and noone else is needed
if you really want to validate picking a psy over a Priest from this point of view!
It's so hard to be a Priest. It's not like you decide one day, "Hey, I'm going to be
a Priest, go shopping for some cool robe and a white collar then rent a room at
Church!! It's not like with the robe comes an instant perfection where you turn
into some suprahuman being and don't feel any of the sting we all feel, being either
sexual inpulses, greed and all the uncanny wants we are all plagued with.
Jesus said it from the beginning He has come to heal the sick and the poor and
that's why He was hanging with whores and tax collectors! He was the first
to call a sin a desease so it's no surprise to see the Devil copying by coming
up with His own piagat of Priesthood : Psychiatry!
He would give me Xanax to come down what he thought was asocial behavior
based upon phobias. Well, when I looked around me, hearing rumours of war,
people getting rapped, mugged and murdered, noone being able to tell me I was
safe and won't have to look at this ever again, I didn't feel like Xanax was
that efficient against crime rate or my fear being that irrational either!
So the whole therapy is about to sit down, spit out your sorrows, figure out the roots
of them, forgive the ones who hurt you by recognizing their own dyfunctios and,
let go of the pain, forgive yourself for not being perfect, Gee! It almost
sound like the commandments or is it just me??
After all, if you can't love yourself, how can you love someone else?
(Is that a commandment or I'm still high??) and you need to look at the ones
who harmed you own dysfunctions to forgive them and let go fo the pain to heal
and forgive yourself with the unfamous "It was not my fault!" (that love one another and
forgiveness kick sound sooo familiar....).
Face it we are all fucked up. The faster we come to this self realisation the faster
we can come up with a contructive solutions instead of pointing fingers.
