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| A cat's a cat and that's that. - U. S. folk saying ANONYMOUS: There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast. There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats. Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God. We humans are indeed fortunate if we happen to be chosen to be owned by a cat. No Heaven will ever Heaven be Unless my cats are there to welcome me. Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this. If you take even one of a cat's nine lives, it will haunt you forever. My husband said it was him or the cat. I miss him sometimes. Curiosity was framed. Ignorance killed the cat. Never feed your cat anything that doesn't match the carpet. Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look as if the dog did it. To respect a cat is the beginning of the aesthetic sense. The visionary chooses a cat; the man of concrete a dog. Hamlet must have kept a cat. Platonists, or cat lovers, include sailors, painters, poets, and pickpockets. Aristotelians, or dog lovers, include soldiers, football players, and burglars. Free to a good home - female cat or husband. Husband says either he goes or cat goes. Cat fixed, husband isn't. - Ad in the Flint, Michigan Weekly World News Don't use cats - they'll screw up your data. - Anonymous science professor to student Forward women were made from cats, just as most virtuous, industrious matrons were developed from beer. I would have in my house - a reasonable woman - a cat moving among the books. Of all the creatures in the world, cats an' women has the hardest time. A cat knows you are the key to his happiness... a man thinks he is. If to her share some feline errors fall, Look in her face, and you'll forgive them all. Here lies a pretty cat: Its mistress, who never loved anyone, Loved it madly; Why bother to say so? Everyone can see it. - Epitaph on tombstone of cat, with full-relief detail of the deceased Outside of a cat, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a cat, it's too dark to read. - Sign at Lilac Hedge Bookshop, Norwich, VT Dogs have owners, cats have staff. Avoid dogs whenever you can. Remember... Cats are poetry in motion. Dogs are gibberish in neutral. Cat: a pygmy lion who loves mice, hates dogs, and patronizes human beings. All children left unattended will be given a free kitten. - Sign in a veterinarian's office Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. - from Advice from Kids There was an old bulldog named Caesar, Who went for a cat just to tease her; But she spat and she spit, Till the old bulldog quit. Now when poor Caesar sees her, he flees her. You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!" Humans: No fur, no paws, no tail. They run away from mice. They never get enough sleep. How can you help but love such an absurd animal? - An anonymous cat on Homo sapiens The purity of a person's heart can be quickly measured by how they regard cats. Blessed are those who love cats, for they shall never be lonely. When I'm in the doghouse, my cats still come to visit. A rose has thorns, a cat has claws; certainly both are worth the risk. There are hundreds of good reasons for having a cat, but all you need is one. A cat is always at the wrong side of the door. A person who manages to understand a cat is qualified to understand most anything else. Buy a dog a toy, and he'll play with it forever. Buy a cat a present, and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes. Anything on the ground is a cat toy. Anything not there yet, will be. Cats have amazingly keen hearing but go conveniently deaf when you call. If human, cats might play solitaire, but they would never sit around with the gang and a few six-packs watching Monday Night Football. from Time Magazine, Dec. 7, 1981 Cats have incredible vision - but they never see your flaws. Cats are better than any vice. They're not fattening, dangerous, or expensive. However, they can be addictive. A cat makes all the difference between coming home to an empty house and coming home. Owning a cat is a good forerunner of marriage. You learn that you cannot control another living being, or expect him/her to do everything you want. I'm not much of a cook. My favorite thing to make from scratch is a purr. Nine lives added to my one life makes a perfect 10. If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. - from Advice from Kids Cats always land on their feet. Dogs won't even let you throw them. A cat will wait until you've read your morning paper before tearing it to shreds. Some people see the glass as half empty, some as half full. I look for the cat who drank the water. Life is hard. Soften yours with a cat. Happiness does not light gently on my shoulder like a butterfly. She pounces on my lap, demanding that I scratch behind her ears. The cat stands alone, distinct � outindividualizing every individual. from A Ship of Solace Owning a cat is like reading a good novel - just when you think you know the main character, she'll surprise you on the very next page. A thing of beauty, strength, and grace lies behind that whiskered face. Cats are like music. It's foolish to try to explain their worth to those who don't appreciate them. Cats whiskers are so sensitive, they can find their way through the narrowest crack in a broken heart. If you want to know the character of a man, find out what his cat thinks of him Every life should have nine cats. It's really the cat's house. I just pay the mortgage. A cat which is kept as a household pet may properly be considered a thing of value. It ministers to the pleasures of its owner and serves with honor. Cats know how we feel; they just don't give a damn. For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a cat. It's always blackest just before you step on the cat. If you can remember how many cats you have, you don't have enough. Never underestimate the power of a purr. ***************************************** A Bitter Pill to Swallow From your dog's point of view, ANY pill is a bitter pill! In the veterinary profession, the bulk of the responsibility for actual treatment falls on the shoulders of the owner. I can make the most fabulous diagnosis, prescribe the latest miracle drug, and treatment will be an abject failure unless you can get Ol' Ironjaws to choke down that pill! Now, your average canine patient will gleefully wolf down an entire rump roast in approximately 1.2 seconds. This is the same dog that when offered a bit of bread wrapped around a pill will suddenly morph into the inspector general of the FDA! He sniffs, he paws, he circles around. Of course he finally turns around as if to say, "nope silly human, not this time". What is a frustrated owner to do? The obvious alternative to disguising the medicine in food is to simply administer it directly to the reluctant pooch. Sounds easy enough right? Veterinarians know that all dogs fall into one of three classifications based on their reaction to being "pilled". Caninus lockjawus is a commonly encountered creature. This beast is known to resist any and all attempts to open his mouth with steely resolve and rippling jaw muscles. Even the tiniest of these dogs is capable of resisting Herculean attempts to open the mouth, usually with an infuriatingly calm and placid demeanor. As frustrating as lockjawus is, he pales in comparison with his appalling relative, Caninus backatya. Backatya is characterized by his ability to summon an administered pill up from the very bowels of, well, his bowels and deposit it on your shirtfront. Backatya actually exists in two forms, backatya reflexus and backatya clandestinus. B. reflexus makes no attempt to hide his nature. After administering a pill to this species, the unfortunate owner is treated to a remarkable display of reverse muscular activity in the dog's tongue and throat. A soggy, partially dissolved pill is then gracefully expelled. This activity continues until the entire two weeks worth of pills has been tried or the owner is reduced to a quivering wreck. B. clandestinus is by far the most sinister and devious of dogs. He will appear perfectly willing to swallow even the bitterest of pills. He faithfully sits for his master to give the medicine, then trots off with a wag in his tail and a bounce in his step. The owner of such a treasonous creature is blissfully unaware of his pet's true nature. Indeed, the owner takes great pride in being able to administer pills "better than Doc Wayman ever could". Some time after the two week course of antibiotics is "completed", the human gets the idea of moving the sofa, perhaps to clean under it. Only then does the extent of B. clandestinus's treachery become evident. For there behind the couch the owner will find each and every pill he gave the fiendish creature, arranged in a mockingly neat and symmetrical pile. Really then, what is the answer to the problem of administering medications? After decades of research into this question, scientists have developed a compound that is irresistible to even the most obstinate of dogs. A pill coated with a thin layer of this magical goop is swallowed with nary a concern by virtually all canine patients. Not only that, but this fabulous formula makes a darn good plate of nachos. Folks, the answer is Velveeta. Just enough to cover the tablet, and you will be on your way to a successful course of treatment for the most finicky of Fidos! ******************************** Things Cats Must Try To Remember Screaming at the can of food will not make it open. I should not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves. If I put a live mouse in my food bowl, I should not expect it to stay there until I get hungry. The guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while. I will not watch him constantly. If I bite the cactus, it will bite back. I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at nothing right after my human has finished watching "The X-Files". Television and computer screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail. No matter how dangly and attractive they are, my human's earrings are not cat toys. If I play 'dead cat on the stairs' while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, one of these days it will really come true. My human is capable of cooking bacon and eggs without my help. The canned cat food is already dead. I do not need to kill it by swatting bits of it all over the floor. I am a carnivore. Potted plants are not meat. I will never be able to walk on the ceiling, and staring up the wall and screaming at it will not bring it any closer. It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it all dissolves in the boiling coffee. The goldfish likes living in water and must be allowed to remain in its bowl. If my human wants to share her sandwich with me, she will give me a piece. She will notice if I start eating it from the other end. I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. The large dog in the back yard has lived there for six years. I will not freak out every time I see it. I am a neutered cat, not a peacock, and prancing around with my tail fluffed up will not make my balls grow back. If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty. Just because I hear voices in my head, I do not have to answer them! ******************************************* DOG PROPERTY LAWS 1. If I like it, it's mine. 2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine. 3. If I can take it from you, it's mine. 4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine. 5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way. 6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine. 7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine. 8. If I saw it first, it's mine. 9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine. 10. If it's broken, it's yours. ************************************** |
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