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CHANGING BED LINENS

Remove dog from bed. Put dog on floor and give one treat.
Remove comforter from bed and place on chair. Lift up comforter and remove dog. Put dog on floor and give one treat.
Remove blanket from bed and place on chair. Lift up blanket and remove dog. Put dog on floor and give one treat.
Take pillows out of pillowcases and shams. Remove pillows from bed and place on chair. Lift up pillow and remove dog. Put dog on floor and give one treat.
Remove sheets and pillowcases from bed. Open hamper and place sheets and pillowcases inside.
Close hamper.
Open hamper. Retrieve sheets and pillowcases. Unroll on floor. Take dog out of sheets and place on floor. Give one treat.
Return sheets to hamper. Close hamper.
Go to linen closet. Open linen closet and get clean sheets and pillowcases. Close door to linen closet.
Return to bedroom and place sheets on bed.
Return to linen closet. Open door and let dog out. Put dog on floor and give one treat.
Return to bedroom. Unfold fitted sheet on bed and tuck in all four corners.
Release corners 2 and 3 and release dog from under sheet. Place dog on floor and give one treat.
Unfold top sheet and place on fitted sheet. Remove dog from between two sheets. Place dog on floor and give one treat.
Tuck in bottom of top sheet at foot of bed. Make hospital corners for top sheet. Release hospital corners to let dog out of foot of bed. Place dog on floor and give one treat.
Place blanket on bed. Remove dog from blanket. Repeat as needed. Don't forget treats.
Get lint brush from drawer. Remove dog from blanket. Place dog on floor and give one treat. Brush blanket. Note: this works best when you have contrasting colors;
i.e., black dog and white or pink blankets, white dog with darker colors such as navy or green.
Put lint brush back in drawer. Go back to bed and remove dog from blanket. Place dog on floor and give one treat.
Very quickly place comforter on bed. Repeat steps 15 and 16 above as needed. Remember to use contrasting colors again.
Place pillows in pillowcases and shams. Fluff pillows on bed. Notice pillow two is fluffing itself. Remove pillow from bed. Take pillow out of pillowcase and sham to release dog. Place dog on floor and give one treat.
Fluff pillows on bed. Notice dog's tail sticking out of bottom of pillows. Remove dog. Place dog on floor and give one treat.
You may need to use the lint brush on the pillows at this point. Follow steps 15 and 16 above.

When finished, notice dog is now lying in center of bed. Open curtains and watch dog curl up as the sun comes in. Tiptoe out of room as dog settles in for nap. Treat at this point is optional.
Total time required:
With dog- 30 minutes plus treats
Without dog- 7 minutes

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How to Photograph Your Puppy
1. Remove film from box and load camera.
2. Remove film box from puppy's month and throw in trash.
3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
4. Choose a suitable background for photo.
5. Mount camera on tripod, check flash and focus.
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
9. Focus with one hand while fending off puppy with other hand.
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
11. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
12. Put magazines back on coffee table.
13. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.
14. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
15. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say- "No, no outside!"
16. Call spouse to help clean up the mess.
17. Fix a drink.
18. Sit back in chair, put your feet up, sip your drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.

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-Dog Rules
1. The dog is not allowed in the house.
2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.
5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only
9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.

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Top 10 Reasons Why Kittens are Better Than Babies:
1. Veterinarians have evening hours.
2. Your kitten won't be able to disturb the whole movie theater with its crying. Hell, you don't even have to take the kitten with you, and if you don't, you don't even have to worry about whether or not the sitter is available tonight.
3. Your kitten won't grow out of those cute but expensive clothes within three months.
4. Kittens look cute if they haven't had a bath this month.
5. You probably don't have to lie awake nights wondering how you are going to finance your kitten's college (or high school) education.
6. No one will accuse you of being an unfit mother if you don't want to breast feed your kitten.
7. No one will accuse you of perversion or sexual abuse if you fondle your kitten.
8. Dan Quayle can't accuse you of destroying the moral fabric of the country if you aren't married to the father of your kitten. In fact, nobody will ever ask you if you know who the father is.
9. No one will question your abilities to function normally at your job when they hear you just got
a kitten.
And the BEST reason:
10. You only have to change a litter box once a day.

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All I Really Need to Know I Learned from my Dog
� Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.
� Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
� When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
� Take naps and stretch before rising.
� Run, romp, and play daily.
� Be loyal.
� Never pretend to be something you're not.
� Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
� If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
� When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
� Thrive on affection and let people touch you - enjoy back rubs and pats on your neck.
� When you leave your yard, make it an adventure.
� Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
� No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout - run right back and make friends.
� Bond with your pack.
� On cold nights, curl up in front of a crackling fire.
� When you're excited, speak up.
� When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
� Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

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Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying.

On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.

The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb,
call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed! The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it."

"You know where the button is." I protested through the shower pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!"
"I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"
(Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence. I crouched down and
stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and
snagged them with her needle-like claws.

I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing straight up, the sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing hysterical laughter.

At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?" If they had only known.

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Daily Routine of a Cat
Source: Humor Space

The day is divided into two important sections. Mealtime. And everything else.
A) Mealtime
1. Just because there does not seem to be anything visible around to eat certainly does not mean there is nothing around to eat. The act of staring at the underside of a table or chair on which someone else is eating sets in motion a chain of events that eventually results in food.
2. It goes without saying that you should carefully check the lower third of any space for edibles. Mouth-sized things which cannot be identified by sight or smell are considered gum.
3. When you actually receive a meal, submerge your head into it as you would a shower. Never, never look up again until a minimum of at least fifteen minutes after the obvious food is gone. This is important.
Just because your dish is empty does not mean that it is time to stop eating.
4. Remember that all food is potentially yours up until the time that it is actually swallowed by another. The lengthy path a piece of food will take from a plate to a mouth via a hand is as good a time as any to stake your claim to it.
5. When it comes to selecting an appropriate beverage, location and packaging mean nothing. There are absolutely no exceptions to this rule.
6. If you really see something you want, and all your other attempts at getting it have failed, it is only right to grovel shamelessly. As a second tactic, stare intently at the object of your desire, allowing long gelatinous drools to leak like icicles from your lower lip.

B) Everything Else
1. There are really only two important facial expressions to bother with: complete and overwhelming joy and nothing at all.
2. Any time that is not meal time is potentially nap time. The best time to take a nap is when you hear your name being called repeatedly. The best location for a nap is dead center of any street or driveway. The most relaxing position is on your side, all four limbs parallel.
3. The most practical way to get dry is to shake violently near a fully clothed person. A second effective method is to stand on a light-colored piece of furniture.
4. Personal Safety
a. At the first hint of any irregular noise, run from room to room yelling loudly. If someone actually comes into the house, rush over to them whether you know them or not. Then kiss them so violently that they lose their balance or have to force you away physically.
b. The greatest unacknowledged threat to life as we have come to know it is squirrels. No matter what you must do, make sure there are none in your yard.
5. Recreation and Leisure
a. Ball: There are two equally amusing sets of rules you will want to know.
i. The Common Form, in which you receive a thrown ball and return it.
ii. The Preferred Form, in which you receive a thrown ball and eat it.
b. Car: As you know, any open car door is an invitation to get in. Once inside, your only goal is to try to get out.
6. Health
a. In the event of a trip to the doctor, always be on your guard. If you are vaccinated, urinate on the physician.

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Six wise, blind elephants were discussing what humans were like. Failing to agree, they decided to determine what humans were like by direct experience. The first wise, blind elephant felt the human, and declared, "Humans are flat." The other wise, blind elephants, after similarly feeling the human, agreed.

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Dogs New Year's Resolutions
Even though I'm a Springer, I will not spring through the open car window and into the fast food restaurant, no matter how good it smells.

The computer's mouse is, unlike a real mouse, inedible.

I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.

I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.

I will not eat other animals' poop.

I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.

I will not eat my own vomit.

"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.

I will not eat any more socks and then re-deposit them in the backyard after processing.

The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. I will not eat the disposable diapers, especially the dirty ones.

I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

I will not chew crayons or pens, specially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the toilet.

We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

I will not walk under the big dog when he is peeing.

I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.

The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.

My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.

I will not play tug-o'-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.

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Dogs and Light Bulbs
These are the answers from dogs when asked
"How many dogs does it take to put in a light bulb?"

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!

Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Rottweiler: Make me.

Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants di it.

Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb?

Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got a hangover.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, there it is right there........

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
Pomeranian: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs, I am not one of them, so the question is: how long will it be before I can expect light?

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Wrapping Presents (With a Cat)

1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.
2. Go to wardrobe and collect bag in which present is contained, and
close door.
3. Open door and remove cat from wardrobe.
4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.
5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.
6. Go to drawer and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors,
labels, etc.
7. Lay out present and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping
strategy to be formed.
8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the
drawer since last visit, and collect string.
9. Remove present from bag.
10. Remove cat from bag.
11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.
12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.
13. Cut the paper to size, trying to keep the cutting line straight.
14. Throw away first sheet because cat tried to chase the scissors and
tore paper.
15. Cut second sheet of paper to size by putting cat in the bag the
present came out of.
16. Place present on cut-to-size paper.
17. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present, wonder why edges now
don't reach, and find cat between present and paper. Remove cat and
retry.
18. Place object on paper, to hold in place, while cutting transparent
sticky tape.
19. Spend next 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky
tape from cat with pair of nail scissors.
20. Seal paper down with transparent sticky tape, making corners as neat
as possible.
21. Look for roll of ribbon; chase cat down hall and retrieve ribbon.
22. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.
23. Re-roll up ribbon and remove paper that is now torn, due to cat's
enthusiasm in chasing ribbon end.
24. Repeat steps 12-22 until down to last sheet of paper.
25. Decide to skip steps 12-16 in order to save time and reduce risk of
losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that you know is
right size for sheet of paper.
26. Put present in box, and tie down with string.
27. Remove string, open box and remove cat.
28. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for lockable
room.
29. Once inside room, lock door and start to re-lay out packing
materials.
30. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close door
and re-lock.
31. Lay out last sheet of paper. (Admittedly this is difficult in the
small area of the toilet, but try your best!)
32. Seal box, wrap with paper and start repairs by very carefully
sealing down tears with transparent sticky tape. Now tie up with ribbon
and decorate with bows to hide worst affected areas.
33. Label, then sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulating
yourself on making good of a bad job.
34. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat.
35. Spend next 15 minutes looking for cat, before coming to obvious
conclusion.
36. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.
37. Retrieve all discarded sheets of wrapping paper, feed cat and retire
to lockable room for last attempt, making certain you are alone and the
door is locked.
38. At time of handing over present, smile sweetly at receiver's face,
as they try and hide their contempt at being handed such a badly wrapped
present.
39. Swear to yourself that next year, you will get the store to wrap the
darn thing for you.

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