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| TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR CAT HAS LEARNED YOUR INTERNET PASSWORD 10. E-Mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy." 9. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard. 8. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt. recreational. catnip. 7. Your web browser has a new home page: www. feline. com. 6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it... and a strange aroma of tuna. 5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of "CyberDog." 4 Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it. 3. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II. 2. On IRC you're known as the IronMouser. 1. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post. ***************************************** BASIC RULES FOR CATS WHO HAVE A HOUSE TO RUIN 1. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If no Oriental rug is available, shag is good. 2. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things, This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, and mosquito season. 3. GUESTS: Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that human's lap. If you can, arrange to have "Friskies Fish n' Glop" on your breath. For sitting on laps or rubbing against clothing, select fabric color which contrasts well with your fur. For example: white furred cats go to black wool clothing. For the guest who claims, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain; apply claws to stockings or use a quick nip on the ankle. When walking among the dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to convey, "But you always allow me on the table when company isn't here." Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It isn't necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare. 4. WORK: If one of your humans is sewing or writing and another is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping, otherwise known as hampering. Following are the rules for hampering: A. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You can't be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on, picked up and consoled. B. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between the human's eyes and the book, unless you can lie across the book itself. If it is a news paper, claw at it until shredded. Your human will appreciate a home-made toy! C. For knitting projects, curl up quietly onto the lap of the knitter and pretend to doz. Occasionally reach out and slap the knitting needles or split yarn. The knitter may try to distract you with a scrap ball of yarn. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. 5. PLAY: It is important. Get enough sleep in the day time so you are fresh for playing catch mouse or king-o-the-hill on their bed between 2am and 4am. MOST IMPORTANT: Begin people training early. You will then have a smooth-running household. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent. *********************************** EVERYTHING I NEED TO KNOW IN LIFE I LEARNED FROM MY CAT * Life is hard, then you nap. * Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours. * When in doubt, cop an attitude. * Variety is the spice of life: one day ignore people, the next day annoy them. * Climb your way to the top--that's why drapes are there. * Never sleep alone when you can sleep on someone's face. * Find your place in the sun--especially if it happens to be on that nice pile of warm, clean laundry. * Make your mark in the world--or at least spray in each corner. * When eating out think nothing of sending back your meal twenty or thirty times. * If you're not receiving enough attention, try knocking over several expensive antique lamps. * Always give generously--a small bird or rodent left on the bed tells them, "I care." * When you go out into the world, remember: being placed on a pedestal is a right, not a privilege. ********************************************* LITTLE KNOWN FELINE AILMENTS Having conquered cat flu, triumphed over tapeworm and braved behavioral quirks, it is time to focus attention on some oft-observed, but little-documented, afflictions of cats. COLLAPSIBLE LEGS Symptoms: The affected cat places one side of its head on the ground as though cheek-marking the concrete, carpet etc. After several such maneuvers, the legs on that side of the cat suddenly collapse, leaving the cat waggling its feet in the air. Treatment: This involves placing the palm of one hand on the exposed belly and rubbing gently. There are side-effects though - some feline sufferers attack the rubbing hand while others recover spontaneously, often after prolonged treatment. This condition is probably incurable and any cat which requires prolonged treatment after an attack will most likely suffer repeated attacks of collapsible legs throughout its lifetime. SNUDGING Symptoms: The affected cat repeatedly head butts any available part of a readily available human and turns its head slightly so that the lips and cheek are rubbed against legs, arms, clothing etc. This condition gets its name from a contraction of the phrase "soggy nudging." Snudging may well be a form of excessive scent-marking. A bad attack can result in soggy clothing. Treatment: Give the sufferer lavish affection. Most attacks subside between 10 minutes to 1 hour after onset of symptoms. You may need to dry off snudged clothing or skin. Attacks recur frequently, usually when the most readily available human is engrossed in a TV program, book or telephone call. BED-HOGGING Symptoms: The cat spreads to take up all available free bed space at night. It then expands a bit more until any human occupants occupy the smallest possible area of bed. It may do this on top or underneath the covers or on the pillow. It is highly contagious - any other cats on the bed will also develop symptoms of bed-hogging. Treatment: The most obvious solution is to evict the cat from the bed. If this is morally unfeasible, train yourself not to give way as the cat expands. Buying a bigger bed is probably pointless as most affected cats can easily expand to fill standard, queen-sized and king-sized beds. Otherwise, simply train yourself to sleep while hanging precariously off the side of the bed. Attacks of bed-hogging have been known to last up to 23 hours (in one case a 3-day attack was noted by a cat-owner who was confined to bed with flu; the cat thoughtfully kept her company during this time). NONSPECIFIC INSECT INFESTATION (also NONSPECIFIC SPIDER INFESTATION) Symptoms: A disorder more prevalent among outdoor-going cats and cats with access to conservatories and garden rooms. Symptoms range from minor (the odd greenfly in tail, money-spider on fur) to severe (entire ecosystems of insects living on cat, spider webs spun between ears/whiskers, cat so weighed down with spider webs that it has difficulty walking). Treatment: Minor symptoms can be treated by simply removing the infesting agent (aphid, ladybug, spider, etc.) and combing webs out of fur. If the cat suffers recurrent or severe symptoms an exercise regime is highly recommended since highly mobile cats appear to attract fewer greenfly (research into this factor continues). IRRITABLE LAP SYNDROME Symptoms: The cat appears unable to settle comfortably on laps, instead treading, kneading, rearranging itself, fidgeting, vocalizing, getting up and turning around, falling off lap and getting back on again, attacking magazines, needlework, computer keyboard, telephone etc. Treatment: Immediate treatment is essential. Drop whatever you are doing (literally if need be) and give 100% attention to the sufferer otherwise symptoms may escalate and become quite distressing to the lap-owner. Only prolonged attention will cure an attack of Irritable Lap Syndrome. Like Collapsible Legs this syndrome is incurable, although attacks may be effectively treated as and when they occur. LAP FUNGUS DISORDER Symptoms: Having taken over a human lap, the cat proceeds to spread in all planes. This may be accompanied by secondary symptoms such as high volume purring, dribbling, kneading and snoring. The condition is highly contagious and several fungoid cats may infest a lap simultaneously. Treatment: Topical treatment with proprietary anti-fungals is ineffective. Prompt treatment (as per Irritable Lap Syndrome) is required to alleviate the worst symptoms although in a number of cats, such treatment actually exasperates the condition. This disorder manifests itself periodically through the affected cat's life and there is no long-term cure. SMURGLING Symptoms: Varied: sucking at clothing, owners earlobes/nose/fingers/skin, drooling, glazed expression. Often accompanied by kneading and high volume purring. Treatment: Ultimately incurable. It is possible to remove smurglable items from around the cat. The ailment may be transmitted to humans in the form of large laundry bills, misshapen clothing and chapped skin. GREEBLINGZ Symptoms: Random dashes through to helter-skelter running through house in pursuit of unseen prey. Greeblingz are believed to be non-visible entities and some authorities have linked them to UFO sightings or feel that they may be diminutive other-dimensional beings. Cats suffering from greeblingz typically have wild-eyed expressions. There is a minor danger of greeblingz attaching themselves to humans; if a cat tackles such greeblingz, injury to humans may result. A very few cats are naturally immune. Treatment: None known. Anti-epileptics are ineffective as the condition appears unrelated to other forms of seizure. Avoid getting in the way of a cat engaged in greebling hunting. Attacks usually subside spontaneously, perhaps as greeblingz return to their own dimension. These irritating creatures are not visible to human eyes, but no doubt the superior sight and hearing of cats enables them to see them. ******************************************* NEW BREEDS OF DOGS Collie + Lhasa Apso Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport Spitz + Chow Chow Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot Pointer + Setter Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet Great Pyrenees + Dachshund Pyradachs, a puzzling breed Pekingese + Lhasa Apso Peekasso, an abstract dog Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists Newfoundland + Basset Hound Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors Terrier + Bulldog Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes Bloodhound + Labrador Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly Malamute + Pointer Moot Point, owned by... oh well, it doesn't matter anyway Collie + Malamute Commute, a dog that travels to work Deerhound + Terrier Derriere, a dog that's true to the end Bull Terrier + Shitzu Bull Shitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed **************************************** CAT RESOLUTIONS: I start every day with the intention of being a well behaved, perfect pet. A joy to have around, a cat to be proud of ........... every day it all goes wrong. So here is my list of resolutions for those of you who, like me, aspire to be better cats ... I normally manage to keep to one a day but you may do better! I will not run through the house with a condom wrapper in my mouth, especially when my human's grandmother is over. I will not leap into my human's chair which she has temporarily vacated, and then bite my human on the bum when she sits back down. I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has finished watching a horror movie. I will not sniff at my male human's feet after he takes his shoes off, freeze my mouth open in disgust and then sniff my private parts to compare odours. My female human might find it amusing, but my male human does not appreciate it, especially in front of company. I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium. I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly not proceed to stuff them down the sink's drain. I will not bite my human on the rear while she is sitting on the Big White Drinking Bowl. I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and puke them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage. I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.) I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has finished watching The X-Files. When my human is taking a bubble bath, the two pinkish-brown things sticking up out of the bubbles in her chest region are NOT to be played with! I will not fish out my human's partial plate from the glass so that the dog can "wear" it and pretend to be my human. (It is somewhat unnerving to wake up, roll over in bed, and see the dog grinning at you with your own teeth.) I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks. I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in the middle of the night, deposit them on the bed and yell at the top of my lungs (Burmese LOUD yowling) so that my human can admire my "kill." I will not knead my male human's groin at 2 a.m. with claws extended. It seems to cause him some discomfort and he wakes up all grumpy. I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up. We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti over my humans' bed while they're trying to sleep. Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself. I am a (neutered) cat, not a peacock, and prancing around with my tail fluffed up will not make my balls grow back. I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again. I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves. I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the bushes just as my human is explaining to his girlfriend how graceful I am. I will not complain that my butt is wet and that I am thirsty after sitting in my water bowl. I will not intrude on my human's candle-lit bubble bath and singe my butt. I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur. If I bite the cactus, it will bite back. It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it dissolves in boiling coffee. Just because I hear voices in my head, I do not have to answer them. When I am chasing my tail and catch my back leg instead, I will not bite on my foot. This hurts, and my scream scares my human. When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check every door. Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock it down and try to open it up to get the birds out. I will not stuff my rather large self into the rather small bird feeder (with my tail hanging out one side) and expect the birds to just fly in. I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner. The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me and will move out of the way when I pounce, letting me smash into floors and walls. That does not mean I should take it as a personal insult when my humans sit there and laugh. Yes, there are still two very large dogs in the backyard. There have been for several years. I don't have to act as if I've just discovered the Demon Horror of the Universe each time one of them appears in my window. I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true. When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them. I will cease my obsession with the box my humans keep their condoms in. This box is not for me. I will not knock it on the ground, I will not sit on it, I will not try to scratch it open. Especially when my humans are using the condoms. I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the family room floor trying to do sit ups. When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are *not* a hammock. Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail. I am a walking static generator. My human doesn't need my help installing a new board in her computer. I will not bring the police to the front door by stepping on the speaker phone button and then the automatic 999 dial button. I will not speed dial overseas numbers. I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is writing important emio gnaioerp ga3qi4 taija3tgv aa35 a. I will not watch the guinea pig constantly as the guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while. The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in its bowl. I will not put a live vole in my food bowl and expect it to stay there until I get hungry. I will not eat spider plants and hallucinate behind the toilet. I will not drag the magnets (and the papers they are holding up) off the refrigerator and then bat them underneath it so that they adhere to the underside. I will learn to relax at the vet's office so they will start writing things in my records like "Good Kitty" and "Sweet Kitty" instead of the stuff that's there now like "MEAN!!", "BITER!!!", and "GET HELP!!!!!" I promise I will meditate more closely upon the causal relationship between going dumpster diving on Sunday afternoon and projectile vomiting Monday, and being brought to the Evil Place Where They Stick Things Up My Butt on Tuesday evening. I realize that if I hadn't done the first, none of the other things would have happened. I don't need to check my male human's aim in the bathroom. I will not bat at my male human's family jewels while he is engaged in the act of mating with my female human, no matter how tempting the danglies are. My humans get mad and I might get free flying lessons. I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss her on the nose at 2:00 a.m. to tell her that she is forgiven and can now pet me. I will not scratch the children of lawyers, no matter how much they chase me or how hard they pull my tail. If I MUST claw my human, I will not do it in such a fashion that the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt. If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty. I will not soak my catnip toy in the water bowl to make tea. I will not get high and sit there drinking my tea and kneading the floor afterwards. I will not then get delusions of grandeur and make tea in the toilet bowl or the tub. And I will not try to make tea with used socks, dirty panties or hair scrunchies when my humans take the catnip toy away from me. After my (female) human has enjoyed the company of a larger, but equally gorgeous, hairy animal, I will not leap onto the bed, smell where he's been, and then jealously pee there to eradicate his traces. A warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap. Blimey, there you go then .... not much left for me to do if I follow all that lot. Hmmm ... off for a sleep .... *************************************** DOGS My dogs live here, they're here to stay. You don't like pets, be on your way. They share my home, and my food, my space. This is their home, this is their space. You will find dog hair on the floor. They will alert when you're at our door. They may request a little pet. A simple "wait" will settle that. It gripes me when I hear you say. "just how can you live this way? they smell, they shed, they're in the way..." WHO ASKED YOU? Is all I can say. Then tails wag and faces grin. They bounce and hop and do a spin. They never say "no time for you", They're always there, to GO and DO. They love me more then anyone. My voice is like the rising sun. They merely have to hear me say "C'mon kids, time to go and play" And if I'm sad? They're by my side. And if I'm mad? they circle wide. And if I laugh, they laugh with me They understand, they always see. So once again, I say to you Come visit me, but know this too... My dogs live here, they're here to stay You don't like pets? Be on your way. They share my home, my food , my space This is their home, this is their place. ********************** *************************** |
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