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| ----Rules for Cats who have a house to run: Submitted by Toni Palmer 1. Doors: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swing doors are to be avoided at all costs. 2. Chairs and rugs: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an oriental rug. If there is no oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot. 3. Bathrooms: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything---just sit and stare. 4. Hampering: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering". Following are the rules for "hampering". a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted. b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you lie across the book itself. c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity) keep in mind the aim---to hamper!! First sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time. e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump. 5. Walking: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills. 6. Bedtime: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around. ************************************************************** TO BATHE A CAT 1) Thoroughly clean the toilet 2) Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted. 3) Catch the cat and soothe her while carrying her towards the toilet. 4) In a single, smooth movement, put cat into toilet, close both lids quickly and leap to top of lid so she cannot escape. CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to edge of lid as her claws will reach out for any purchase they can find. Never mind the noise that comes from the toilet. The cat is actually enjoying this. 5) Flush toilet 3-4 times to provide "Power Wash" and "Rinse". I have found this to be quite effective. 6) Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people or animals between the bathroom and the outside door. 7) Stand as far behind the toilet as you can and quickly lift both lids. 8) The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where she will dry herself. Sincerely, The Dog *************************** ************* DOG LETTERS TO GOD Dear God, How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are their priorities? Dear God, When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story? Dear God, Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle! Dear God, If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog? Dear God, When my foster mom's friend comes over to our house, he smells like musk! What's he been rolling around in? Dear God, Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps? Dear God, If we come back as humans, is that good or bad? Dear God, More meatballs, less spaghetti, please. Dear God, When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in? Dear God, We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand? Dear God, Are there dogs on other planets, or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street. Dear God, Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize? Dear God, Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpets again? Dear God, When my family eats dinner they always bless their food. But they never bless mine. So, I've been wagging my tail extra fast when they fill my bowl. Have you noticed my own blessing? Dear God, I've always lived at the shelter and I have everything I need. But many of the cats here have names and I don't. Could you give me a name please? It would be good for my self-esteem. Dear God, The new terrier I live with just peed on the Oriental rug and I have a feeling my family might blame me 'cuz they think I'm jealous of this stupid dog. Since they have no sense of smell, how can I convince them I'm innocent? Does PetsMart sell lie detectors? ***************************************** How to Photograph Your Puppy 1. Remove film from box and load camera. 2. Remove film box from puppy's month and throw in trash. 3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle. 4. Choose a suitable background for photo. 5. Mount camera on tripod, check flash and focus. 6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth. 7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera. 8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees. 9. Focus with one hand while fending off puppy with other hand. 10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens. 11. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose. 12. Put magazines back on coffee table. 13. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head. 14. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage. 15. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say- "No, no outside!" 16. Call spouse to help clean up the mess. 17. Fix a drink. 18. Sit back in chair, put your feet up, sip your drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning. *************************************** How to Give Your Cat a Pill in 10 Easy Steps 1. Sit on sofa. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your elbow as though you were going to give a bottle to a baby. Talk softly to it. 2. With right hand, stroke cat's throat until it opens its mouth (be patient). Drop pill into mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs. 3. Pick the pill up off the floor and go get the cat. Sit on floor in kitchen, wrap arm around cat as before, drop pill in mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs. 4. Scoot across floor to pick up pill, and go find the cat. Bring it back into the kitchen. Hold cat as before, but hold down its front paws with forearm. Drop pill into mouth. 5. Pry claws from back legs out of your arm. Go get the cat, pick up half-dissolved pill from floor and drop it into garbage can. 6. Get new pill from bottle. Go into bathroom and get a fluffy towel. Stay in the bathroom with the cat, and close the door. 7. Sit on bathroom floor, wrap towel around kitty, leaving only his head exposed. Cradle kitty in the crook of your arm, and pick up pill off of counter. 8. Retrieve cat from top of shower door (you didn't know that cats can jump 5 feet straight up in the air, did you?), and wrap towel around it a little tighter, making sure its paws can't come out this time. With fingers at either side of its jaw, pry it open and pop pill into mouth. Quickly close mouth (his, not yours). 9. Sit on floor with cat in your lap, stroking it under the chin and talking gently to it for at least a half hour, while the pill dissolves. 10. Unwrap towel, open bathroom door. Wash off scratches in warm soapy water, comb your hair, and go find something to occupy your time for 7-1/2 hours, then repeat. ***************************************** PET POEMS Old Dogs Never Die We have a secret, you and I, That no one else shall know, For who, but I can see you lie, Each night, in fire glow? And who but I can reach my hand Before we go to bed, And feel the living warmth of you And touch your silken head? And only I walk woodland paths, And see, ahead of me, Your small form racing with the wind, So young again, and free. And only I can see you swim In every brook I pass. And, when I call, no one but I Can see the bending grass. Author Unknown *********************************** Lend Me A Cat I will lend a cat to you for awhile, God said. For you to love her while she lives, and mourn her when she's dead. Maybe for twelve or fourteen years, or maybe two or three. But will you, 'til I call her back, take care of her for me? She'll bring her charms to gladden you; and should her stay be brief, you'll always have her memories, as solace for your grief. I cannot promise she will stay, since all from earth, return. But there are lessons taught below, I want this cat to learn. I've looked the whole world over, in search of teachers true. And from the folk that crowd life's land, I have chosen you. Now will you give her all your love, nor think the labor vain, nor hate me when I come to take my cat back again? It was then that we said 'Dear Lord, thy will be done.' For all the joys this cat will bring, the risk of grief we'll run. We'll shelter her with tenderness, we'll love her while we may. And for the happiness we've known, forever grateful stay. But should you call her back, much sooner than we'd planned, we'll brave the bitter grief that comes, and try to understand. When our faithful bundle departs this world of strife, We'll have yet another cat, and love her all her life. ||Author Unknown|| ******************************** Like God keeps His eye upon the sparrow, I keep my eye upon the cat, For unlike the little sparrow, I'm not sure just where she's at. She knows the couch is out of bounds, Yet invariably she goes there, She ignores the yellow warning tape, I've wound around it, in despair. I know she likes electric cords, She pulls them from the wall, I've told her fifty million times, THAT'S NOT ALLOWED AT ALL! The wires are rewired now, To shriek like fire sirens, If she so much as puts a paw Anywhere near their environs. She treats the kitchen counter, As a fun place on which to glide, Though it's purposely lubricated To make her slip and slide. When I booby-trapped the cupboards, I thought, "A-ha! I've stopped her now!" But fearlessly she enters, And does not blow up, somehow. Some cat owners keep baskets Of balls of yarn upon the floor, My basket's filled with hand grenades, Which she bats around 'til she gets bored. Alternate pencils on my desktop, On impact will explode, She always kicks the safe ones off, How ever does she know? When I open up the door a crack, She manages to flee, It does no good to shut her in, I may as well give her the key. There's nothing wrong with cat food, It's made special, just for cats, But she wants steak and baked potato, GET DOWN! GET OFF MY TABLEMAT! Just once I'd like to wear a dress, Not accessorized with cat hair, But plastic bags do not protect, How does she get inside there? I firmly speak; my voice is loud, Sometimes I fairly SHOUT! But, somehow her cat meows, Are loud enough to drown me out. I tell her time and time again, CUT OUT THAT LOOKING CUTE! It would help so much when I yell at her, If she looked more like a brute. Her attention span is not too long, Just long enough to drive me wild, I'm convinced she had some lessons, From a clever, spoiled child. I have a knife. I have a gun, I can even wear disguise, But I am disarmed by her feline charm, When I meet her big cat eyes. I doubt God's little sparrows, Give Him trouble quite like mine, But He can't hold them in His lap, Or hug them any time. Oh, I suppose it is a tradeoff, And I do get some relief, Like when she's curled up on the couch Behind the yellow tape, asleep. I think to master cat control, Is a fine, accomplished art, I've learned I can cat-proof my house, But I can't cat-proof my heart. ******************************************** The Life of a Puppy This morning, I woke up & kissed my dad's head. I peed on the carpet, then went back to bed. "The life of a puppy, oh my, this is great." Then I thought about breakfast," I hope it's not late." Mom took me outside, we walked for a while. This never fails to make Mama smile. I sniffed of everything, that we did pass, I ate something weird - it gave me gas. I'm sure God loves me, I know that is true. He gave me so many great things to chew. Rugs, plants or rocks, I really don't care. What I truly like best, is Dad's underwear. That obedience book, was sort of yummy. Though it didn't sit well on my poor puppy tummy. I threw up a bit, but that was all right, When Mom found it later, I was well out of sight. I made streamers of T. P., while running at full speed. Mom is pretty quick -- but I was still in the lead. I flew under the bed, and Mom flew past, She stopped-shook her head, and breathed, "You're too fast." Mama later phoned Daddy, and said, "It was frightening!" That afternoon, she was sure I'd pooped lightning. She'd sat at the computer, while I chewed the cord, She thought I was mad, but I was just bored. When Mama had enough, couldn't take anymore, That's when my tushy got shoved out the door. I love it inside, but outside is best. Lay in the cool grass, and had a good rest. That didn't last long, there was too much to do-- Can't quite remember where I hid Daddy's shoe. I found an old bone, and scratched at a flea, I watched the dumb squirrels as they jumped in a tree. I barked at the kids, when they got off the bus. I can't figure out why this makes Mama fuss. I barked at the neighbor, I barked at the wind. I barked and barked, till Mom yelled, "COME IN." The sun dipped in the west- soon Daddy would come! I sure love my daddy: we always have fun. I barked at my daddy, then turned on my charms, I woo-wooed, "Hello," then jumped in his arms. Sitting under the table -- it's sooo hard to wait. Daddy slipped me a goodie right off his plate. I raced through the house, and scattered my toys, Ricocheted off the furniture, and made lots of noise. Mom found her purse - the one I abused. Daddy let loose a chuckle. Mom asked "Amused??" I cowered down low, I must be in trouble. Dad said, "Wasn't MY boy, it must be his double!" Mom turned off the TV, and said, "Time for bed." Dad said "Let's go boy," and patted my head. I got in my spot, between Mom and Dad, I thought 'bout my day and what fun I had. Mama kicked out my bone from the covers below, Then let loose a sigh -- a sigh deep and low. She gave me a kiss, and snuggled me tight, And whispered so softly, 'My darling goodnight'. Author Unknown ************* ***************** LITTLE PAWS PRAYER This is a prayer for little paws All up and down the land Driven away, no friendly voice Never an outstretched hand. For weary paws of little beasts Torn and stained with red, And never a home and never a rest Till little beasts are dead. Oh God of homeless things look down And try to ease the way Of all the little weary paws That walk the world today. ******************************** "Grieve not, nor speak of me with tears but laugh and talk of me as if I were beside you.. I loved you so--- 'twas Heaven here with you." Isla Paschal Richardson ****************************************************** Stray Cat by Francis Witham Oh, what unhappy twist of fate Has brought you, homeless to my gate? The gate where once another stood To beg for shelter, warmth and food For from that day I ceased to be The master of my destiny. While he, with purr and velvet paw Became within my house, the Law. He scratched the furniture and shed And claimed the middle of my bed. He ruled in arrogance and pride And broke my heart the day he died. So, if you really think, oh cat I'd willingly relive all that Because you come, forlorn and thin Well, don't just stand there ... come on in!!!! Now I lay me down to sleep, the king sized bed is soft and deep. I sleep right in the center groove, my human being can hardly move. I've trapped his legs, he's tucked in tight, and here is where I pass the night. No one disturbs me or dares intrude, till morning comes and "I want food!" I sneak up slowly to begin, and nibble on my human's chin. For the morning's here, and it's time to play... I always seem to get my way. So thank you Lord for giving me, this human person that I see. The one who hugs, and holds me tight, and shares his bed with me at night ******************************** |
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