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THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A DOG AND A CAT

A dog lives in your house and sees that you give it food and water and care, and says to itself, "Wow, these beings give me food and water and see to my every need. They must be gods!"

A cat lives in your house and sees that you give it food and water and care, and says to itself, "Wow, these beings give me food and water and see to my every need. I must be a god!"

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THE CREATION OF CAT
On the first day of creation, God created the cat.
On the second day, God created man to serve the cat.
On the third, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the cat.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the cat.
On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the cat might or might not play with it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cat healthy and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but he had to scoop the litterbox.

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Creation
(According To Canine Historians)
Author Unknown

On the first day God created the dog.

On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.

On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the dog.

On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.

On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.

On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy & the man broke.

On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but he had to walk the dog

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THE TALKING BIRD
A rich little old lady went to the grocery store one day to buy her groceries. As she entered the doors there was a talking bird to her right.
The bird said, "You are the ugliest woman I have ever seen!"
The woman was very offended and went to tell the store manager what had happened.
"If you don't stop that bird from talking to me like that I will never come back to this store again, and you do know that I am one of your biggest customers," she ranted.
The manager promised her this would never happen again.
A few days later the little old lady went back to the store and the very same thing happened.
The bird said, "You are the ugliest woman I have ever seen!"
The little old lady went and told the manager that the very same thing had happened.
"I will tell everyone I see not to shop at this store," she threatened.
The manager promised her again that it would stop this time.
He went up to the bird and said, "If you ever tell that lady that she is the ugliest woman you ever saw, I will pluck out your feathers and throw you in the street. Now do you understand?"
The talking bird replied, "Yes!"
A few days later the little lady entered the store, stopped, looked up at the bird to see if he would make that remark again. The bird just looked down at her.
As she started to walk away, the bird said, "I can't say it, but you know you are!"

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Once upon a time there were two canaries in a cage. Naturally, one was male and the other female. After many months, the male decided to meet the female. So he scooted over to her side of the cage and said, "Since we're in this together, why don't I move over to your side of the cage!"
The female canary replied, "No, thanks!!"
So he went back to his side but found he could stay there no longer. Once again, he moved to her side of the cage. This time he asked, "I am sorry I was to forward the first time. Why don't we get to know each other first."
To which she replied again, "No, thanks!"
Resigning himself to return to his side of the cage, he languished about for a bit then made one final effort. He went halfway across the cage and stated, "Well, could we at least talk?"
This time she replied, "Oh, I am so sorry I have been so mean. You see I just learned I have a canarial disease called "Chirpies" and I hear it is untweetable."

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CLARENCE THE PARROT
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes," said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus."

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You KNOW You Are A Cat Lover When.......
by Katey Mallory

... you refer to going to the bathroom as "using the litterbox."
... you do not consider an outfit complete without some cat hair.
... you consider cat hair in your food as extra fiber.
... you apologize when you step on a fuzzy cat toy in the dark.
... you snap your fingers & pat the sofa beside you to invite your guests to sit down.
... you sleep on one edge of the bed because the cat sleeping in the middle looks so CUTE!
... you accidentally put your child's dinner plate on the floor.
... you spend more money on cat toys than on the kids or grandkids.
... you decorate your Christmas tree with dangly cat toys.
... your neighbors refer to you as "the crazy one with all the cats."
... you have more pictures of your cats than your kids in your wallet.
... you refer to your cat as your furry child.
... your parents wind up with a four-footed, furry "grandchild."
... you plan your vacation around the cat show schedule.
... you accidentally call your spouse by your cat's name!
... you set a place at the dinner table for your cat.
... you have a set of towels with "His" "Hers" and "Kitty's."
... you call home & leave a message on the answering machine for your cat.
... you have the cat meow on the outgoing message of the answering machine.
... you and kitty have matching outfits.
... your spouse says, "Me or the cat!," and there's no hesitation.
... you never go to the door unless it's to let a cat out.
... your favorite friends have fleas.
... you buy a house based on it having a good location for the catbox.
... you think cat fur makes a wonderful garnish to any meal.
... you own 17 varieties of kitty-nail-clippers.
... you are lost for conversation with non-cat people.
... you meow so well, you confuse the cats.
... you bore the neighbors with discussions on the exact nutritional differences between Fancy Feast and Amore - at length.
... you hiss at the neighbor's dog more than the cats do.

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The 12 Days of Catmas

On the first day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... A carpeted, cheaply
homemade cat tree.
I think it was a feeble attempt by the Big Owner to
get me off his bed where I take up most of his space. Sorry, no go.

On the second day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... Two catnip toys.
They were destroyed within minutes. Next...

On the third day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... Three nuggets of
Pounce.
Stingy humans. After they went to bed I knocked the can over,
ripped off the lid, and ate the rest.

On the fourth day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... Four furry mice.
They were fake. What a disappointment.

On the fifth day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... Five small lattice
balls.
They made such an irritating noise on the hardwood floor the Big
Owner took them away the next day.

On the sixth day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... Six floppy stuffed
Beanie Dalmatians.
95 to go. Big whoop.

On the seventh day of Catmas my human gave to me ... Seven Pet Food
Covers.
Hold on here, buckaroo. I eat a whole can of that stuff at one
sitting. Covers suggest I won't be doing that anymore? Over your inert
body.

On the eighth day of Catmas my human gave to me ... Eight Hairball Toys.
Looks just like the real thing.

On the ninth day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... Nine humans dancing.
Trying to not step on the fake hairballs.

On the tenth day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... Ten balls of twine.
Old reliable. Boring. I may fashion a noose for the Big Owner out of it.

On the eleventh day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... Eleven minutes of
scratching.
It's about all the Big Owner (or I) can handle before
strands of hair fly up into his nose and make him sneeze all over me.

On the twelfth day of Catmas my humans gave to me ... Twelve human hugs
and kisses.
It makes up for all the rest.

It was a good day.

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Cat Diary

DAY 659 My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh
meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and
the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another
houseplant.

DAY 662 Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking
almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile
oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair... must try this on their bed.

DAY 669 Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at
ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 681 Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of
what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about
what a good little cat I was... Hmmm Not working according to plan

DAY 688 I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water
torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds
could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 690 There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the
event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More
importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is
and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 699 I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and may be snitches. The dog is routinely
released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand
has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue something akin to mole speak) and
speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the
metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

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